Dumped out of the blue, 2 year old kid

[seefeld]

This evening my boyfriend of 3.5 years told me he didn't feel like there is any future for us and wants to break up. We have a two year old DS and I moved country to be with him.
I have had no prior warning that the break up was imminent and I just don't know what to do next. He said he had been thinking things through for months but I had no idea. What to do next? He doesn't give any reason othe than we "have no future" together. I guess I can't argue but I do think "why didn't you talk to me before?" What now? I can't believe he has blind sided me like this. I thought we were happy

Sorry this is happening to you Op.

Unfortunately I have a friend who is in the situation exactly as Thelying describes (although she's Turkish & stuck in the UK). If I were you, I'd go home on holiday - gives you headspace to think & allows you help & support from your family. You can also get a lot of things agreed from a distance & can then decide what you want to do longer term.

He's being very selfish & you need to put yourself first right now too - if you are planning to go home, don't tell anyone, just book it & go.

Good luck.

Op, I was physically assaulted by my DD's father for which he received a custodial sentence and even given those circumstances, my lawyer advised me not to leave the country where DD was habitually resident without permission. If your partner challenged the removal of his child from the country where his child was habitually resident (and there's nothing from your posts that suggest he isn't) leaving would be viewed as child abduction and the return of your child (with or without you) would be a formality because the UK would have no jurisdiction on custody matters.

For posters suggesting that the OP just return to the UK, no matter how well intended the advice, it could make matters a whole lot worse for her

Im not suggesting it permanently but for a holiday & to give herself space to think / breathe & have people around her who love her.

Just to make it clear, even if the OP classed her return to the UK as just a 'holiday' and then failed to return after a short period, it would (if challenged by her son's father) be viewed as child abduction.

Please get legal advice before you go anywhere. I know a family where the mother left a EU country and returned to the USA with the children without a court order or her Exs permission.

A few months later the police arrived at the door one morning, removed the children and returned them to the father.

Apologies for my misinterpretation that you are currently in the UK.

However the advice still stands. The UK is signed up to the Hague convention and coming here, whether for a holiday or with the intention to remain, without permission from everyone with whatever the definition of Parental Responsibility is in the country where you are living is going to possibly open up all sorts of trouble for you.

I agree come tell with zźzz if anyone says you are abducting your child you can answer that your husband has left you and you have no support. You have to be near family for support. When it does go to court you can argue that it's easier for you to get work and support your child in your home country.

Go now, tell your husband that you need family support, and then you need to contact the courts as soon as you get there.

Is he named as father on the birth certificate?

You're both British but live in another country for his work?
I think as he's dumped you it's not unreasonable to come home to the UK, surely he would expect that you would?

Just seen that your child has a British passport and that you would be returning to Britain. I think that works in your favour. I think you should go on a 'holiday' and see what the legal side is as soon as you get there.

While he wants you to stay in that country, you can tell him you cannot afford to live there as a single parent and as such you would need to return to the UK.

He should have had the guts and decency to discuss how he felt. He probably expected you to pick up on things like changes in level of intimacy, his affection towards you etc.

It's a very cowardly thing to do, but at least you know now and can look towards the future.

As much as you must be angry, try not to outwardly express it to him and if you can just ascertain exactly what it is (out of curiosity) that he wasn't happy about within the relationship. I'd express disappointment that he didn't tell you what was going on earlier.

Focus the rest of your discussions on your son and what's in his best interest.

There's a good possibility he has someone else, but you can't dwell on that. Focus on you and DS and maintain a calm exterior. He'll be wondering why you aren't a blubbering mess. Don't give a man that kind of power.

Thelyingbitchandthewardrobe Did you not read my post about being the victim of DV and that not being a valid reason to leave without the permission of my ex or the courts?

When it comes to custody and residency of the OP's child, the U.K has no jurisdiction and therefore she will need to get the permission from the country that does.

Does things change as they aren't married?

Start getting papers together - this is a window to sort what you need quickly -

Do play the long game rather than the short game - it's over - but you need to buy some time to know your rights

Citizenship and residency are two different things and no, citizenship does not work in the Op's favour. Remember, it works both ways and the OP's bf wouldn't be allowed to remove her child to another country without her permission either.

OP, if the country you are resident in is a signatory to The Hague Convention then you need to seek legal advice.

Does things change as they aren't married?

No, it doesn't. If the father of the child has PR then he has every right (even if he's an arsehole) to stop his child being taken out of the country beyond a reasonable time. In this case, the return of a child to the country which has jurisdiction, would be a formality and obviously, the courts would take a very dim view of the removal of a child from their jurisdiction without prior approval.

Istan so the OP could be left with no money and no home struggling to look after a 2 year old in a country where she has no support and no entitlement to help?

OP speak to a lawyer today. Take your child and their passports with you.

The Op would have to argue her case with the courts and demonstrate that she would be left with no home and income. The information provided by the OP in this thread doesn't suggest either, the OP said she would struggle financially but that's not the same as being homeless and destitute.

The courts (rightly in my opinion) are concerned with the best interests of the child. In my case, I had to play the long game and I first sought sole custody, which I won because I could demonstrate that it wasn't in DD best interest to have her primary carer fearing for her life. I could also demonstrate that I had put DD first by trying to maintain contact between DD and her father (even while he was in prison). My lawyer was pessimistic (but still kick arse) about my chances but in the end the judge said that my actions spoke a louder than Ex's words.

On the information provided, I think it would be unlikely for the courts to give permission for the OP's return to the UK with her son but she should seek legal counsel. The OP's best bet would be to seek her bf's permission and I don't mean misrepresenting her return to the UK as temporary.

Agree with PP. As far as I am aware, only Liechenstein and Macedonia are not in the EU and also not in Hague convention. Other than these, OP will not be able to leave the country she is in without her partners express permission. This would be seen as child abduction.

I also know someone who fled, and had her two year old dragged off back to the fathers country as she had taken him illegally. She spent thousands of pounds trying to fight it, but eventually had to return to the country her ex was living in, and where her son had been habitually resident all his life.

Your best bet, and I know this sounds hard, is to appeal to his better nature. Explain that if you have support you will be able to work more and be less financially dependent on him. Try to make it sounds better for him. Good luck.

Thanks everyone, some good advice here. I'm in Switzerland (outs self!). A friend is going to give me the contact details of a lawyer and I will be speaking to them as soon as possible. I have also started sending text messages outlining what we have agreed for the short term so there's no confusion over what has been decided.

I have been a SAHM since DS was born but have recently started to take on some freelance work. I will struggle enormously to support myself and my son in this country on the money I earn doing that. It's extremely expensive here - rent, food, health insurance etc - and my UK based income doesn't transfer well.

I am torn between thinking this is a cold calculated move on his part and thinking that he's depressed/had some sort of breakdown. He says that he has been feeling disengaged and unhappy and that I should've have noticed. His extremely messed up and toxic controlling mother was here last weekend, while I took a break, and I also wonder what poison she might have been whispering in his ear. The friends I have told are extremely shocked as on the outside - and from my perspective - we get on brilliantly and had a good, strong relationship. A couple of years ago he got depressed - there was a redundancy, death of a family member he was very close too, and his DF had a cancer scare - but he had some counseling and felt better. His DF has recently been diagnosed with cancer and so I wonder whether it's too do with that.

He said he'd been thinking about this for months but I've asked him whether he thought about it before we had a holiday 7 weeks ago and he said no. He also seems completely clueless about what happens next so doesn't seem to have forward planned anything. He seems to think he will continue to live in our flat for example.

I just think wtf and why wouldn't you even try? We are not teenagers, we are adults with responsibilities to our DS.

I think it's highly unlikely he has had an affair as he's not really out without me very often. A one night stand could be plausible I guess. I have been through his emails and nothing there.

Sounds like depression has he seen a doctor

Could it be that he is one of those people who bottle all their tiny niggles up until they suddenly explode? Add into the mix and a toxic mother...

Has he said what plans he has for seeing his child? It doesn't sound like he has thought this through at all. Maybe he is perfectly happy about you taking dc out of the country.

He wants to see our son. But it seems like he thinks it will be all the time - every day - like before but without us being in a relationship together.

We had planned to talk tomorrow evening but he has changed his mind and thinks we should leave it a week.

I strongly suggest that you discuss/agree on nothing until you've taken legal advice with an attorney where you're living. And that, if possible, someone you know and trust seeks legal advice on your behalf in the UK.

If you do decide to talk to him, your response to any suggestions he makes should be "I'll have to think about that and get back to you". And again, on no account should you mention that you are even thinking about moving home.

Hmm, back-tracking now he's realised that you are not just going to comply with his fantasy of you moving out of your flat but staying nearby so that he gets to have his cake and eat it.

A bit of thinking time is no bad thing and it does give you time to research your legal options etc but if it's too much like torture to wait a week while he ponders his options, you could insist on talking sooner. You could also suggest that he moves out to a hotel for the week to give you both space to think. After all, it's him who claims to want to live separately.