Should I marry him?

[Anna6567]

Have posted on other boards about this and had some good advice but still floundering - background is im due to get married in just over 4 weeks and I'm having major doubts. Been with FI for 8 years and he's a lovely man - works hard, pulls his weight about the house, is respectful of me...but he also drains me, he relies on me to organise all holidays and weekend plans etc, he's not very sociable - I constantly watch him when we are in social gatherings and jump in if I see him struggling to make conversation etc - I really love him as a person and want the best for him but lately I've just wondered if I can do this forever? Why do I feel the need to protect him and put his needs first? I want to be able to relax when in company and wish he was more outgoing and suggested meeting people and doing things. He doesn't have many friends and I think it's mainly because he doesn't make effort to make conversation and also doesn't make the effort to keep in touch and do things with his friends. He only has one hobby and makes no effort to do other things or explore other potential hobbies. I get upset when I think about leaving and him being on his own.

None of these things make him a bad person - they just make me feel suffocated but I think he's actually ok being the way he is - it's maybe just me who almost pities him and that's such a horrible thing to say.
I've started to pay more attention lately to the things he says and at times find myself cringing - he's just very naive sounding and lacks a lot of general knowledge but I've always just thought that doesn't matter but now i worry what we will have to speak about for the rest of our lives and what he will have to teach our children etc.

I sound very unfair - I feel terrible for feeling and thinking this way - it's like a switch has been flicked and I can't flick it back.

He deserves someone who accepts him for him and doesn't think this way. I feel so bad and don't know what to do. Is this just normal cold feet/jitters? Doesn't seem that bad compared to some relationships so maybe I'm just panicking as I'm not a very decisive person and this is a big commitment.

Any experience of these types of jitters or advice from anyone who has cancelled a wedding?

You don't sound like a woman in love, and to me, at the heart of a marriage has to be a deep love that will pretty much survive everything that life is then going to throw at you.

You sound, like others have said, like a carer, like his sister, like someone who wants him to be happy, but isn't really made happy by him.

At 33, I can see why you might waver and feel it's last chance time, but it really isn't. You have a decade to get out there and find someone who inspires you to be the best you can be, who loves you and you love very deeply, and who really thrills you with being alive, this all sounds deadly dull, if I'm honest.

I wouldn't keep in limbo longer than you have to, I think you know that you want to leave him, but can't actually face telling him, like tigermoll says. Having therapy is like trying to talk yourself into it, I would be looking at how to let go and move on (as if you are concerned about the ticking clock of marriage and children, don't waste another few years here when the basic decision is made).

Also, don't be surprised if he moves on, I've seen it happen quite often that women stay with Mr Not-Quite -Right feeling sorry for them and imagine them all alone, few friends, and in the cases I've known, they move on extremely quickly. This man will be Mr Right for someone, you aren't letting him find out who, and I think for his sake, I would let him get on with it too.

Well done for telling him.

I know that if my fiancé had doubts and wanted or needed to postpone the wedding, that would definetly tell me I'm not the one for him. Or more so, he's not the one for me.

So a postponement would signify the end of the relationship in my book.

Well done for cancelling a wedding you're not sure about. People think getting married is easy and so therefore will getting divorced - its not even these days. Divorce is expensive and time-consuming, even the most straight-forward ones. Marriage is a big legal commitment even without children. You've been fair to yourself and him and I think you should give yourself credit for that and look to a brighter future.

You don't mention fun, excitement, romance or passion and I think a happy marriage needs those elements.

My exh was much like yours in that he didn't bother with conversation. I did all the social organising and he just went along with it. Your man sounds like a decent guy tbh if a bit boring whereas mine just didn't put the effort in out of selfishness and it led to resentment.

I think you have made a courageous decision.

It's done. All cancelled.

I feel bereft. I have no right to but I do. FI being wonderful and saying I need to work on myself and feel certain of my choice. I've been to see my GP who says I'm scoring high on depression scale.

I feel like it's all falling apart. Was it the right thing to do, I'll never know.

No idea how to move forward from here. Does this mean I should leave? Am I still engaged if I have no wedding? And more importantly I'm not certain i want one or maybe just not with him. Even though I don't deserve him.

Feeling utterly horrible and very confused what the next steps are.

Just be kind to yourself... You've been incredibly brave

Thanks Peppa, I've been told that by others but I don't feel brave. I feel wretched and so confused by it all. Like I'm an alien and don't relate to my life anymore.

Have been told this happens more than people realise but I feel very exposed and vulnerable TBH and wishing so much I could be normal

It's like any major life changing event - takes time to sort it all out both practically and emotionally.

I just feel so bad I'm starting to think I've not made the right decision even if I know that's not true, the hurt and emotional torment and not knowing what this means and what I can do to make it better. I'm so confused

No.
Lots of people say everyone gets pre wedding nerves. Maybe they're the ones who get divorced etc.
If you're not 100% sure and excited don't do it. He should be your heart's desire. Don't settle.

Sorry. Read the page. Well done you brave and sensible woman.

It's understandable to feel disconnection because your life will go down a different leg of the trousers to the leg you planned. Don't worry, that feeling will settle.

Thanks Runny - that's exactly it, my life is taking a different path than the one I thought and it's very unsettling. If I was giving advice to someone else in this situation I would tell them not to go through with it if they weren't certain but i just feel like something may not be right but nothing is terribly wrong either. What if I'm not making the right choice here? I'm terrified

I haven't read the whole thread so hopefully not repeating anyone.
If you have children it will be 100 times worse, because you will be burdened even more with ALL the overall teaching/explaining/parent's evenings/dealings with other parents etc etc etc., and what you think he is lacking now will be significantly magnified and worse.

Resentment will grow because essentially he is ignorant/intellectually lazy and leopards do not change their spots.
(He's probably quite boring too?).

Do you live with him? If so then moving out might be a good idea to take some time to take care of yourself.

Yes we live together. We haven't officially split up which is adding to the feeling of being in limbo. I have told him how I feel and friends but they all think it's the stress of the wedding and now with the GP mentioning depression I'm just being told not to make serious decisions but I'm screaming inside because I've just made a major decision and of course I'm in turmoil and may seem depressed. I'm so torn now, they're making me doubt my feelings etc. I need some time, I'm going to have to get away, get some headspace. Our lives are so intertwined, I don't know how to move forwards/onwards

It depends why you're depressed really: it could well be that you're depressed because you're unhappy in your relationship.

Lord knows I had a LOT of wedding related (family, relationship) stress but I doubt wedding stress is often sufficient to bring on depression! Expect your boyfriend is hoping this is about your mental health and that you won't dump him!

With respect to your lives being "entwined", do you co own your home? Hope not, as that's bigger commitment than marriage anyway IMO! But there are still short term options. If you rent it'd probably make sense to move out asap.

Did you book the counselling? That might help - get someone BACP registered.