Should I marry him?

[Anna6567]

Have posted on other boards about this and had some good advice but still floundering - background is im due to get married in just over 4 weeks and I'm having major doubts. Been with FI for 8 years and he's a lovely man - works hard, pulls his weight about the house, is respectful of me...but he also drains me, he relies on me to organise all holidays and weekend plans etc, he's not very sociable - I constantly watch him when we are in social gatherings and jump in if I see him struggling to make conversation etc - I really love him as a person and want the best for him but lately I've just wondered if I can do this forever? Why do I feel the need to protect him and put his needs first? I want to be able to relax when in company and wish he was more outgoing and suggested meeting people and doing things. He doesn't have many friends and I think it's mainly because he doesn't make effort to make conversation and also doesn't make the effort to keep in touch and do things with his friends. He only has one hobby and makes no effort to do other things or explore other potential hobbies. I get upset when I think about leaving and him being on his own.

None of these things make him a bad person - they just make me feel suffocated but I think he's actually ok being the way he is - it's maybe just me who almost pities him and that's such a horrible thing to say.
I've started to pay more attention lately to the things he says and at times find myself cringing - he's just very naive sounding and lacks a lot of general knowledge but I've always just thought that doesn't matter but now i worry what we will have to speak about for the rest of our lives and what he will have to teach our children etc.

I sound very unfair - I feel terrible for feeling and thinking this way - it's like a switch has been flicked and I can't flick it back.

He deserves someone who accepts him for him and doesn't think this way. I feel so bad and don't know what to do. Is this just normal cold feet/jitters? Doesn't seem that bad compared to some relationships so maybe I'm just panicking as I'm not a very decisive person and this is a big commitment.

Any experience of these types of jitters or advice from anyone who has cancelled a wedding?

Longer term you would be better suited to someone who you can respect more and who you regard as on your own level. Consider speaking to a therapist about co-dependency and your tendency to 'fix'. Have you ever wondered what this type of relationship does for you?

Thank you all. I will postpone the wedding and have sought the services of a counsellor to help me work through my thoughts and behaviour.

Attilla I appreciate the points you have made and it's certainly given me a lot to consider. I had only heard of codependency in recent weeks and very much identify with some of the traits.

I don't want to mother him and want nothing more than for him to find some confidence and be happy. I do often put others needs before my own - this stems from my childhood - but not in all my relationships.

I hope the counsellor is able to help me untangle some of my thoughts and see what I need from a relationship because to be honest, I've never thought about that. I just see myself as self sufficient and think more about what I can do for others and expect little in return.

That's not to say FI wouldn't help me if I was in need - he absolutely would try his best and he cares deeply for me - he is not a bad partner at all - as has been pointed out, the areas of his personality and behaviours that I've mentioned are not necessarily a problem for him (although I know he would like to be more friendly and outgoing) but a bigger issue for me. I sometimes feel guilty for arranging weekends away or nights out if I know he doesn't have plans as I feel guilty and I've been close to tears before when he's told me that a group of his friends are out doing something and he hasn't gone or perhaps didn't know etc. I know he feels lonely at times and it just hurts me - I'd never not be his friend, and he does have friends and colleagues etc so it's not like there is no one in his life at all.

Sounds like he is an introvert with some social anxiety. I am like this and if I found out my DH thought (and had always thought) that I am embarrassing him with this I would be gutted. I am shy and struggle in big groups but I have a good bit small group of friends and I try not to worry about those beyond that.

Your op reads like you are ashamed of him because he isn't the greatest at socialising. He isn't likely to change, most of us don't. I can manage better in groups these days due to the help and support of my DH but I'm still uncomfortable in social situations.

You need to figure out if you can support and accept him or if you need to leave.

Anna,

Re your comment:-
"I just see myself as self sufficient and think more about what I can do for others and expect little in return".

Now why is that?. You do not of course have to answer that here but you need to give the above serious thought. I think it did start in childhood. That needs addressing in counselling, those thoughts came from somewhere and you were likely taught by one or even both parents to be co-dependent. You are perhaps a people pleaser and or rescuer. It makes you feel good to be like that but it does not help you in the long run.

BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

I congratulate you for being this honest with your own self about these important issues now rather than after the wedding. These need addressing. You are not a bad person and neither is he, your reasons for doubting marriage to him are sound ones.

Haven't read your op. If you're asking this question, details are irrelevant, the answer is no.

well he could just be 'introverted' or 'anxious' but just as easily he could be on the spectrum. i am. i'm happy with spending most of my evening listening to others or lost in my own world if i'm out. i can dip in and out of conversations when i want. the 'neurotypicals' find this 'unsociable', 'introverted', 'boring', 'hard work' etc

i also went out with a guy who was further along than me on that particular part of the spectrum, and yes - it IS hard work and drains your energy. I used to feel like it was my job/responsibility to bring the world to his door otherwise it would pass him all by. I found it suffocating, too 'needy' and don't like that. i also felt more like his 'mother' than his gf because of the nature of the 'caring/rescuing/organising'.

Your needs are very different. you can chug along for the time being like this but not for the long term. you can't make him change, especially if he is happy in himself. if you feel this doesn't work for you now then it's wise to postpone until you've resolved it one way or the other.

After the first few posts I thought you sound more like little brother and big sis than a couple in love. How does that make you feel?

I agree with TheNewShmoo

Let me start by saying I have aspergers. I find social interaction difficult. I don't enjoy it, I do it when I have to buy not very well. I Have one hobby, not interested in doing anymore or exploring different ones. Eventually I might, but I am happy with what I do.

Dh does a lot of organising of trips because I don't like them so it's not something I think to do. Holidays are pretty painful for me, but I go because once I am there and settled I enjoy it.

Reading your posts it's difficult to tell where the problem is. I think it's compatibility.

I would be devastated if dh was embarrassed by me, was sat thinking I should broaden my horizons by doing new hobbies and generally felt pity for me. Dh knows who I am and let's me be me. I let him be him.

Not everyone wants to socialise or have lots of friends. Not everyone enjoys it. And those of us that don't, don't need to someone to 'save' us from ourselves. And people trying to 'save' us actually makes it worse.

That said, you don't have to be with him if this is something that bothers you.

I think that if you are having doubts it is correct to postpone or cancel the wedding

However, none of us are perfect !

You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you

You have to decide if you could spend 50 more years with your partner with all their good and bad points

I get upset when I think about leaving and him being on his own.
Davos has expressed very well what I wanted to say, but just to add another voice ...

If he knew you were staying with him because you felt sorry for him as he had no friends, how would that make him feel?

My ex had an affair because he thought that was kinder to me and the children than splitting up. In his mind, he had the affair for our sake ... When I found out, it was horrible for me. The comments my ex made left me feeling like the world's most crap person. I wanted to throw myself under a lorry. As a result, I got counselling and medication against depression. The counselling has cleared up some problems I had since childhood and I feel better about myself than ever before. The medication has shown me the kind of person I can be when not suffering from the constant low-level depression I had living with a man who was bored with me. I've made new friends and started new hobbies.

If my ex had stuck with me forever because he felt sorry for me, I'd still be wondering why I had no friends. Don't hang around this man because you don't want to be the baddie. Allow him to let go of you and find his own feet.

I called off a wedding. Nothing 'wrong' with the guy- nice bloke, no cheating, emotional abuse or bad behaviour. I just had this terrible sense of dread that it'd be a huge mistake and we'd make each other miserable

Calling it off was a big deal - we had rings and dress etc. But I never regretted it. Not for a second. I mourned what we should have had, was single for a year or two then met my current dh.
Crucially, my ex is happier too he met someone perfect for him and tgey are happy.
do not marry if you have doubts.

If you are asking a bunch of strangers on the internet whether you should marry this man, then the answer's no.

If you were a therapist and you were getting paid to help this man, that's fine. You'd have professional detachment and boundaries. But you're walking into a 24/7 care role - it's exhausting.

You're here because you know that something is fundamentally not right. So trust your instincts.

Thanks all - I've made my decision and that's to postpone. FI agrees and doesn't want me to feel pressured into getting married just now - he would rather I was sure and had dealt with any questions I have. Another example of his good nature.

Haworthiia your situation sounds similar in that there was ok significant bad element to your relationship but gut feeling that it's not right. The process of cancelling the wedding will be painful but what about afterwards? its not as simple as cancelling the wedding and forgetting, I think this will take a long time to come to terms with and I feel guilty for all the inconvenience to suppliers and guests etc. But mostly the guilt for what I'm doing to FI. I feel so ashamed of myself.

I think postponing is a good thing.
No it's not as simple as cancelling and forgetting. But it was t the catastrophe I thought it'd be either, for either of us.
My fiancé is a shy bloke, I really worried about impacting him terribly. He was of course terribly upset and shocked at first but if I'm honest he got over it faster than I did. He was seeing someone else within months whereas it took me years.
I was very close to his family and actually it's them I miss. His mum in particular was wonderful.
Don't feel ashamed- there's no shame here. I bet you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who regrets backing out of a wedding but you'll find an awful lot who regret going ahead with it.

I was single for a couple of years then I met and married my dh and had a baby (all rather fast!) it felt so so different - totally right.
The actual process of cancelling and possibly splitting up isn't going to be fun, but then that sort of thing never is. I can only tell you that my life, and my ex's life, are vastly better now.
Be kind to yourself

Sounds like you are either an extrovert or a people pleaser, you seek a lot of validation from social activities and other people and care too much what "other people" think.

He sounds like a more introverted person and doesn't want/need all that "external" activity.

I know couples where this works as they respect each other's different personalities and needs, and don't mind if e.g. the sociable one goes on night out with friends every week while the quiet one stays home to catch up on reading/hobby etc.

The crucial difference here is that you seem to feel his innate character is "wrong" and you need to "fix" him. This is quite insulting and disrespectful to him as a person for a start and also means you're not compatible. He's not a project to take on to "improve". Let him find someone much more understanding and less judgemental and you'll both be happier is my guess.

I was also going to say you sound like you are describing a sibling or a good friend, you want the best for him, he's lovely etc.

Is there any wild passion there? Or any really fun times?

It all sounds a bit dull, find if you are both happy with that, forever, but if you are'nt, walk away rather than postpone.

Both I and my fiancé were very introverted- for me there was certainly no disrespect of his personality.
I think if you're not sure then you shouldn't marry him. He deserves someone who loves him wildly, as do you.

I think it's much better to thrash everything out in your head before you get married. I had doubts that only I could answer. Friends have told me that they felt the same way. It's a massive lifestyle change, to be married.
I had to know if, A. I wanted to get married? and B. If I wanted to be married to him? And I didn't decide until quite close to our wedding day... On which day I felt 100%.

My two pennies worth... I don't think you should be having major doubts. I knew I was marrying the right person when I got married and wasn't nervous..so I would say major doubts are a warning not to go through with it.

Thank you all - I've had some very fair and good advice on this thread which I haven't been able to get from friends and family - they all think this is normal jitters and see our relationship as 'perfect' and it's exhausting trying to explain when nothing is 'bad' but something just doesn't feel right.

We are postponing/cancelling this wedding. Will notify all suppliers tomorrow followed by all guests.

I'm going to meet with a counsellor to hopefully help me sort out whatever codependency or other unhealthy behaviours I have.

I'm 33 and will just be starting over. My parents think I'm giving up my chance at being a mother. They don't understand what I'm trying to say or what the problem is. I'm so drained I can't even think about that, I'm trying to stay focussed on the here and now and getting through the practicalities and emotional shit storm I'm walking into.

Thanks

If you are asking a bunch of strangers on the internet whether you should marry this man, then the answer's no.

+1 to GloriaGaynor's comment above.

It's really obvious. If you need to ask strangers on the internet, it means you have a gut reaction that is bothering you significantly. So the answer must be no.

It's not like the question is "should I paint my bedroom bright pink?". If you get it wrong, it's easy to correct with few consequences. This is marriage so if you have serious doubts don't do it.

I was 32 :)
I'm now married to someone and have a baby. Don't think along those lines - you can have a baby on your own if you don't meet someone but don't marry someone unless you truly love them.
Good luck. I think you'll look back in a year or so and be grateful you did this. Counselling and self reflection sounds a good idea too

Good luck Anna. Making your mind up either way is the main thing. Being unsure and actually married would be terrible. I know a few girls, when they were your age, who ended it with a long term boyfriend & went on to marry & have kids with a different guy. It's gotta be the right man when it comes to marriage. Hope you sort out your feelings, on your own time x

You are doing exactly the right thing in postponing the wedding, and in taking your doubts seriously. FWIW, I think that you want 'permission' to leave your relationship. As you say, your DP is a nice man, treats you well, loves you, etc, and it sounds like you would feel guilty leaving him. You stress how you would 'always be his friend' and 'never let him be lonely'.

How would you feel if you could be guaranteed that, after you split up, he would find someone else reasonably fast? My bet is that you would feel relieved not to have to worry about him any more. I think you are staying in the relationship not because it is what YOU want, but because it feels cruel/ungrateful/unjustifiable to leave it.

Can you tell I was in a similar position to you? (minus the looming wedding.) I ended it, and although I still have pangs of guilt, I would not change my decision ever.