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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Im in such a mess

37 replies

needresolution · 03/08/2016 10:21

Well where do I start? Been seeing someone for a year, everything was lovely etc I decided to buy a house and thought maybe we could start a life together, the house process was long and needed a lot of work doing to it before moving in which he helped me with and I was grateful, we had touched on him moving in but with the stress of the renovations and little time my anxieties got worse, on the day of me moving in I said Ok lets get your stuff too (thought should give it a try) a week on Im bitterly regretting that. I went to yoga last night and he had been drinking and said some quite nasty things when I got back (I was 30mins later than I said)
I said thank you for some things he had done and he said 'at least I am good enough for something' (my kids were there) I said excuse me?

I put kids to bed and went to bed myself, I said I think you should move back to your flat (hes handed notice in this week)
Couldn't sleep all night worrying - we are meant to be going on holiday next week, Im sick with worry..
I said again this morning I think you should go but hes trying to talk me round, what do I do??

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 03/08/2016 10:26

What were the nasty things he said?

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/08/2016 10:27

Sounds like you're doing the right thing, stick to your guns and get him out.

VioletBam · 03/08/2016 10:28

DON'T let him move in! You have children.

He's trying it on now he thinks he's got his feet under the table.

Next thing you know, he'll have been there 5 years and be trying to claim half of your house.

MissMargie · 03/08/2016 10:29

Get him out. Say you moved too fast there, you want to rethink the situation in 6 months/ a year's time, once you have properly got moved in and your life on track.
Don't change your mind. You need a break from this as the stress stops you from being able to think clearly and make proper decisions.

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2016 10:30

Oh god, no, you don't want to live with him!

What's the holiday? Is it for the children, too?

Original poster
needresolution · 03/08/2016 10:34

I spoke to him this morning and said its not working, theres something not right about everything I asked him to go back to his flat. He just keeps asking me 'what are we doing'?!

He seemed really spiteful last night, I could tell by his face he'd had a few glasses of wine.

OP posts:
icouldabeenacontender · 03/08/2016 10:35

You stick to your guns is what you do.
Don't compromise your gut feeling for a holiday.

Original poster
needresolution · 03/08/2016 10:36

The holiday was for all of us kids too, I said why doesn't he go - he said he doesn't know where hes going?!

OP posts:
Original poster
needresolution · 03/08/2016 10:37

Im feeling sick with worry had no sleep last night, forced down breakfast this morning. Ive tried ending it before but I get sucked back in

OP posts:
icouldabeenacontender · 03/08/2016 10:39

Could you still go without him?
Please don't get sucked back in again.
Just think about the sick feeling going away once he's gone.

Original poster
needresolution · 03/08/2016 10:42

I don't know if I could go alone hes paid for everything and its driving through europe

OP posts:
icouldabeenacontender · 03/08/2016 10:48

Ah, I see.
I don't think you have much choice either to forgo the holiday, or brave it yourself.
To continue seeing him when you know something isn't right is madness, but you already know that.

Original poster
needresolution · 03/08/2016 10:52

He just doesn't seem to want to take 'no its not working' for an answer

OP posts:
icouldabeenacontender · 03/08/2016 10:55

Do you mean he won't physically leave?
Could you go out for an hour and tell hime he is to be packed and gone when you return? do you have someone who could be with you for back up?

SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies · 03/08/2016 10:57

The holiday is the last thing you should worry about right now. You don't owe him anything with regards to going, you don't need that stress. A happy week in a caravan with your DC's is infinitely preferable to being trapped in a car in a strange country with a man whose behaviour is unpredictable.

Think of how you felt when he was drunk and said those spiteful things - his mask has begun to slip already and he's only been there a week. Think what he will be like after a month - or a year!.....and believe me, it will get worse, no matter how many times he's nice to you afterwards, promises never to do it again, he will.
Having a drink is no excuse for mean behaviour....EVER!

Send him back to his flat. Change your door locks and don't ever give him a new key.
Don't say that you THINK he should go, that's giving him a leeway. Say quite strongly that he HAS to go, if he tries to argue and convince you otherwise, just repeat he HAS to go, and keep saying it until you see his backside leaving through the door.

VioletBam has it re your house - he will be so much harder to get rid of the longer he's there.

You need to do this not only for yourself, but just as importantly for your children. They need positive role models in their lives, his behaviour is not positive, but on making him leave and showing them that you cannot ever tolerate that kind of behaviour, you will demonstrate positivity.

Good luck and ((hugs)). Flowers

Original poster
needresolution · 03/08/2016 10:59

He keeps trying to talk me round, saying its stress and we'll be ok after the holiday, it makes me think maybe it will be but I keep coming to this conclusion

OP posts:
Missgraeme · 03/08/2016 10:59

Get the kids out of the way and ask him to leave. If he won't then phone the police. Then take your kids away yourself - camping or even a nice day out. Seeing u less stressed will do them good even if they miss out on the holiday u planned!

icouldabeenacontender · 03/08/2016 11:02

Then just tell him No and to get out!
Why might it be ok? It's only been a week and you know it's not working.
Forget the holiday and get rid.

inlectorecumbit · 03/08/2016 11:02

No it will just get worse.
You have had a quick glimpse of what your future will be like if you don't act now.
Stuff the holiday he can go on his own.

Ballysbabe · 03/08/2016 11:13

He sounds like he has seen a brilliant opportunity and is obviously a chancer! Ask yourself this ,that feeling you had when you came home the other night ,do you want that every time you come in a couple of minutes late . Do yourself and your children a favour and get rid quick . No holiday is worth possibly years of misery!

smilingeyes11 · 03/08/2016 11:30

no it is not stress - drinking and outbursts sounds like an abuser to me. You don't need his permission to end this relationship. I think the Freedom Programme would be a v good idea for you, even online version.

Tried to end before but he wouldn't accept it. What did he say when drunk last night? I would put his stuff outside and change the locks if needed. And if he kicks off call the police. Your kids don't need this and nor do you.

Tiggeryoubastard · 03/08/2016 11:37

You've only been with him a year and you moved him in with your kids? You don't really know him. Why would you do that?

tipsytrifle · 03/08/2016 12:38

I think it was a mistake to install him in your home so soon. We all make mistakes but the easier they are undone the better. I hope you find the strength to send him on his way.

I would end the relationship too, not just the living arrangements. I certainly wouldn't be driving round Europe with dc and him. He doesn't really sound responsible enough in the first instance. There seems to have been no planning for his move-in and he doesn't know where you're all going to travel either? No route planned?

You've moved into a new home which should be sanctuary for you and dc. You had the strength to see through all the admin nightmare that is a house move so getting him out should be easy compared to that! Why do you keep getting drawn back in? Look at what you've achieved and be proud of yourself. Then clear him out of your precious space. That would be my advice and opinion.

tipsytrifle · 03/08/2016 12:40

the sooner mistakes are undone the better (obv)

SandyY2K · 03/08/2016 12:51

Forget the holiday and get him out. This will only get worse. You don't need a mean and nasty drunk. Plus he was drinking around your kids too.

He must leave.