DD(12) has been inappropriate towards DH.

[Wickford55]

I have posted before, but just changed my username.

We have 2 gorgeous DDs. DD1 is ours, biologically. DD2 is adopted (I wasn't sure if I should post here or on the adoption board). I'm talking 8 years ago now though. We haven't had any other behaviour of this nature, only when she was really young and she first came into our home, but that wasn't towards any family members only herself. She has had some behavioural difficulties, but nothing too extreme, just occasional violence at school and bad language.

I do think she is testing her boundaries, but it isn't appropriate. We have tried telling her and spoken to some support networks but tbh, in a way, it's making her worse, as she is seeing this as us not loving her which is exactly what we don't want, as it has taken so long to build that relationship up. We provide her with lots of kisses and cuddles and have been advised to stop that for a short while so it doesn't encourage the pushing of the boundaries, which we tried for a couple of days and also explained to DD1 (who is a couple of years older) that we won't be providing her with them as it's unfair but it will only be temporary for her to then get stroppy with DD2 and us, so that really isn't working.

I'm at my wits end, never had anything like this.

I think she's just testing boundaries. Every time something like this happens, your dh needs to calmly leave the room. That way she doesn't get a reaction from him (or anyone else) and will hopefully give up on it. She's obviously starting to have some sexual feelings and testing them out on the only man available - just as well it's your dh and not someone else's dad, for example

Totally agree with this.
Advising you to stop the kisses/cuddles? Ridiculous! Surely she needs more cuddles at this time? It seems she is looking for love from your DH but obviously the wrong kind of love,

I would also check your DD's tablet/laptop and phone and see what sorts of things she has been watching.

You must get social services involved in this. You are all in a very precarious position and it could get worse very quickly.

I am sure CAMHS will be well used to this sort of story OP, go to them, even if they dont see her they may recommend the right support.

Definitely speak with social worker, ask for support. As well as the behaviour at home, I'd worry about the risk of her being vulnerable to CSE and harmful relationship. They should be able to offer guidance and support.

it is all about emerging sexuality and I am sure is well documented and help will be there op.

Social services, adoption agency social worker, you really need help on this one.

You're not very clever are you?

I think it's more that she is doing this deliberately- it's not the same as if a 4-year old innocently takes her clothes off to play. She knows that removing her clothes will have a certain effect on those around her and she is doing it in order to provoke a reaction or to test boundaries. There are probably of course troubling reasons behind her behaviour that may well point to child sexual abuse. Nobody is in any way blaming this girl- I think the OP was just trying to make the distinction between her DD being aware of her behaviour (which she is) and a younger child being completely oblivious.

Thanks all, big help

that may well point to child sexual abuse

Oh and I should have clarified that I meant sexual (or other) abuse that took place in her past, before she was adopted. Not something that is going on now.

Note however that stopping kissing and cuddles would to some extent protect your DH from false allegations. I don't know enough to know what to advise, but no kissing/cuddling and not being alone in room together would protect your DH. Though whether the situation is currently that serious, I don't know.

Hi, could it not be that she's starting to feel sexually curious? My boy is only 8, but he does plenty of inappropriate stuff, like sneaking into my room to try and see me naked, feeling my books, etc. This is all done as a giggle but I can see how he's simply starting to be curious about women's bodies. Couldn't it be something like that, but more blatant because she's older? I vaguely remember doing stuff at 12 or so that was probably quite inappropriate- things like wanting my dad to think I was attractive, that I had boobs, things like that. God, it sounds shocking as I type it! But I never had sexual feelings for him (obviously!). I think I did it because my dad was not remotely sexual in my eyes, yet still a man, so his opinion on my "sexyness" was important information. This does sound very twisted but honestly, I was so naive it was ridiculous (but definitively had sex on my mind very often at that age). So could it not be that, a mixture of naivety and sexual impulses, that you channel to the people you know won't be sexual with you?

Does this even make any sense? I just wonder, if because your DD is adopted, you read more into her behavior than if she was not? It's easily done x

Pearlman Sorry, but I have read on online adoption forums of families being ripped apart due to traumatised adoptees making false allegations.

I didn't say they should stop kisses etc, only that there is an argument in favour of doing so. Only the OP truly knows what is going on, they need to find the best course of action. But protecting the DH should be a consideration.

When we adopted we were not allowed to have AD1 come in to our bed, even though it is something many families do. This was to protect my DH.

OP - A method I have come across is 'side along hugs' as opposed to facing hugs, maybe this could be a middle course of action for a while?

I would disagree that this is just 'testing boundaries' and being 'sexually curious'. It's actually quite concerning behaviour given she is aiming it at her dad, a family member, an adult man - you are right to be worried. She is twelve, this is not ordinary testing of boundaries for a child.
Definitely seek some professional guidance on what to do next and how to deal with everything. Best of luck OP.

If you have post adoption already involved, then I would be putting pressure on them to allow you to read your DD's file.....you may find that it will explain this sexualised behaviour. Remember, some reports of abuse do not lead to a prosecution etc.

If post adoption try the data protection argument, then ask that all names be blacked out or that a trusted SW looks through this file and take notes.