DD(12) has been inappropriate towards DH.

[Wickford55]

I have posted before, but just changed my username.

We have 2 gorgeous DDs. DD1 is ours, biologically. DD2 is adopted (I wasn't sure if I should post here or on the adoption board). I'm talking 8 years ago now though. We haven't had any other behaviour of this nature, only when she was really young and she first came into our home, but that wasn't towards any family members only herself. She has had some behavioural difficulties, but nothing too extreme, just occasional violence at school and bad language.

I do think she is testing her boundaries, but it isn't appropriate. We have tried telling her and spoken to some support networks but tbh, in a way, it's making her worse, as she is seeing this as us not loving her which is exactly what we don't want, as it has taken so long to build that relationship up. We provide her with lots of kisses and cuddles and have been advised to stop that for a short while so it doesn't encourage the pushing of the boundaries, which we tried for a couple of days and also explained to DD1 (who is a couple of years older) that we won't be providing her with them as it's unfair but it will only be temporary for her to then get stroppy with DD2 and us, so that really isn't working.

I'm at my wits end, never had anything like this.

Hi, I think you should post in the adoption board as you will get more relevant and non judgemental advice from people who have possibly experienced something similar. This does not sound normal and I think is putting your Dh in a vulnerable situation and needs addressing possibly
by post adoption support.

Who advised you to stop kissing and cuddling her? It's just you mention she has had counselling but your DH hasn't so I'm wondering why it's being approached in isolation; and why you have been so quick to conclude that she knows exactly what she is doing when you haven't even witnessed the behaviour.

Have you ever seen her be like this in front of him?

She has completely admitted to the behaviour, she isn't shy about admitting to it when we have spoken to her. I also trust my DH? Why wouldn't I? One of the workshops we attended advised it, it was a really expensive workshop and I wish I hadn't bothered.

Sorry, massive x-post. I see you clarified your statement about her knowing what she's doing. The suggestion to seek post-adoption support seems a good one.

I think she's just testing boundaries. Every time something like this happens, your dh needs to calmly leave the room. That way she doesn't get a reaction from him (or anyone else) and will hopefully give up on it. She's obviously starting to have some sexual feelings and testing them out on the only man available - just as well it's your dh and not someone else's dad, for example.....

You're going to need to keep vigilant about this for a while to make sure a) it stops with your dh and b) it doesn't start up elsewhere.

But above all else, remember, she is still a child and she needs your guidance to move through this, and any other challenges that come along in life.

I personally have no experience but have a friend who adopted a 3yo girl (now 23) She was sexually abused by her father and thought that that was love. She was very sexually inappropriate in her teens towards her adoptive father but she thought this was how you showed you loved someone. I know my friend contacted her SW and there was a few years of counselling. She is fine now and they have a great relationship but her teens were rocky.

another to say move this to adoption, and they can advise someone more experienced to help you here

in the meantime I agree with whoever said that your DH needs to silently and gently remove himself from the situation, but you 1000% need expert advice for tactics here

good luck

lilac sorry, at 12 you know right from wrong. you are legally criminally responsible from the age of 10.

Completely disagree that this is 'testing boundaries'. Your DH is in a terribly vulnerable position and it needs to be sorted by post-adoption SS support immediately. The fact that she gets naked with him and then 'huffs off moaning about how he doesn't love her' sounds like a frankly horrifying indication of her early life and needs addressing with SS and as much theraputic support as you can get as a family ASAP.

I wasn't implying you shouldn't trust your DH just that if it happened in front of you then you might assess the dynamic/incident differently because her attention isn't directed at you.

OP hasn't said how old the AC is, it was another poster who said her DD is 12.

It does sound possible (not certain) that pre-adoption she has been made to do certain things by someone telling her 'you do it to show you love me' or 'I'm doing this because I love you'. Or that she's witnessed sexual behaviour and heard those things said even if she wasn't directly involved.

Therapy of any kind is only likely to work if you can unravel why she's doing it. Simply trying to train her out of it, as CBT will have done, isn't going to help. It needs to address why she thinks that this is the way you prove you love someone, as this could be deep seated behaviour learned from much earlier that has to be unlearned, as well as trying to introduce new patterns of thinking and behaviour about more appropriate ways to show love and affection.

FWIW I'm only being 'urgent, urgent' that because I know someone who adopted a child in who exhibited this kind of behaviour as she hit puberty and she went on to accuse the DH of assualting her when he didn't 'love her back'.

Apologies, have realised that the OP gave her DD's age in the title - I'd been reading through the posts.

You need to tell SS, I dread to think why she thinks it is acceptable behaviour.

CHrist almighty, the workshop sounds like nonsense if they've told you to STOP showing her affection...

I agree that you need professional post-adoption support. This poor child. She is almost certainly acting out based on events that she experienced or witnessed in her early life. This isn't just boundary testing. IMO she's showing your DH the boundaries she's already been taught in her earliest years, and because she's only 12 she can't look at those boundaries critically and decide that they're inappropriate, all she has is her feelings which at 12 are just as unreliable and confused as you'd expect.

She needs lots of love and support, not to have non-sexual affection withdrawn from her. Poor thing. Please please get proper professional, adoption-focused support. I'm not a therapist but I feel sick thinking how she must feel, having had non-sexual affection withdrawn when she is so vulnerable.

That poor girl.
Lots of good advice here OP.
Reassure her you both love her and you always will, she must be going through hell, she needs your absolute unwavering support.

Ring LA or agency and get some post adoption support. You'll probably have to push hard for it. So many cuts these days. I'd post in adoption too.

Yes, won't be posting anymore about it, as absolutely don't want to attract the wrong kind of attention. Thank you for the advice, trust me after those 2 days we of course stopped that advice as we realised it was a terrible approach.

Very difficult for you as you have not even seen the behaviour your H describes.
If she is being 'inappropriate' it is learned behaviour from something that has gone wrong in her past.
She needs help to deal with that, and you need help as to how best to support her.
Withdrawing affection is not right.
But you need to make sure you are all clothed and that your bedroom is 'off limits'.
Chat to her about what is appropriate affection in families.
and get some more advice if it continues.