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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i need a bit of a hug

32 replies

Peonylass · 31/07/2016 12:06

I have put on previous threads about my passive aggressive husband, and wanting to end the relationship as I can't cope with things any more.

Things came to a head yesterday. He is no longer being paid at work (he is off sick with depression, for months now, and not contacting them) he refused to come to an event with me so I went alone, then realized that I had last been to that venue on our honeymoon nearly 10 years ago. I was randomly bursting into tears. Made a tit of myself crying in front of male friends, even.

This morning I still felt awful and decided to let it all out. I haven't asked him to leave but have told him that I can't be in this relationship any more. Not as it stands. I am utterly wrung out and he is quite clearly gobsmacked. Urgh..

OP posts:
NoahVale · 31/07/2016 12:08

much sympathy Sad

Original poster
Peonylass · 31/07/2016 12:36

Thanks I actually feel a little bit sick.

OP posts:
timelytess · 31/07/2016 12:40
Flowers
timeforheroes · 31/07/2016 13:11

Flowers sending hugs. For what it's worth I think you've done the right thing by opening up and telling him how you feel.

toadgirl · 31/07/2016 13:16
Flowers

Oh, Peony!

How awful for you Sad

Where to start? Just some questions:

(1) Do you still love your husband at all?
(2) Is your husband taking treatment for his depression?
(3) If your husband is getting treatment/willing to get treatment would you be interested in counselling together?
(4) You say your husband is gobsmacked, so I am assuming he would prefer not to split. If he agreed there was a problem and was willing to work on it, would you be interested?

You are right though, this situation cannot possibly go on the way it has been.

Original poster
Peonylass · 31/07/2016 14:28

toadgirl

I do love the guy but I recognize that he is unlikely to ever meet me half way in the relationship. He hasn't so far, in 15 years. I think I have been massively confused between being loved and being wanted. I have been a bit like his 2nd mummy, and focused on a fictional future when he will be affectionate and proactive.

He's on meds, not sure if he'll go for talk therapy.

We went to couples counseling 6 months ago. He promised to join with me in finances and I needed to talk to him less (like pretty much never). It got slightly better for a bit, but not for very long.

I don't know what he wants. He needs time to think. But at first he seemed to say he wants to stay for the kids. He has nowhere to go anyway and no money either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peonylass · 31/07/2016 17:52

Thanks for the hugs by the way xxx

OP posts:
coco1810 · 31/07/2016 19:38

Hugs from me too Flowers

Original poster
Peonylass · 01/08/2016 20:17

Thanks.

Today he is acting like nothing has happened. Argh. Who knows what is going on inside his head

OP posts:
Original poster
Peonylass · 02/08/2016 19:15

I found a letter I had written to him 3 years ago saying I was going to be ill or leave him if things didn't change. It's a fair bit kinder than what I would say now. I got ill, got very depressed a year later, having given myself an overhaul in order to rekindle things.

I am such an stupid fool.

He's playing the wounded soldier at home. Wanted me to buy him tea, I refused but did cook for the kids as he's "doing diy" which he had clearly only just started when I finished work. I have gone for a drive and am parked up outside the supermarket with the radio on, just to get some space.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peonylass · 04/08/2016 14:02

I am still behaving like a complete cow. I find myself getting very wound up by his behaviour. He's being quite helpless and martyrish, and I am finding myself reacting to it.

How do I check myself? I am really struggling to disengage.

OP posts:
adora1 · 04/08/2016 14:10

So he goes off sick from work, doesn't inform them and has not been getting paid and you think you are a cow - wow, he sounds pathetic OP, ok, I get that he is depressed but I have depressed friends and none of them shirk their responsibilities and expect someone else to pick up their mess, sorry but I think you need to really call it a day.

I think you sound extremely nice and too tolerant of a person who knows his crap choices are affecting you terribly. Perhaps time for you to start looking after no 1 and get yourself some sound advice.

Original poster
Peonylass · 04/08/2016 14:33

Well he's sent in sick notes, late, but otherwise no he's not communicating.

I am taking up phone counseling, a couple of sessions through work, and spoke to the free legal advice line too, who suggested mediation.

I do need to gather the paperwork together and go see a solicitor properly.

My biggest issue right now is that I keep letting myself get sucked into a mum/son dynamic, either nagging or caretaking him. I want to be able to disengage, let him stand on his own, sink or swim, but I am not achieving it.

OP posts:
adora1 · 04/08/2016 14:46

Well you won't achieve it whilst the status quo dominates.

I bet if he was sitting in his single flat he'd have made sure he put in his sick notes eh, he knows you will carry him as it sounds like you always have, fuck that OP, you are not his mother, you are meant to be equals, partners, a team, sounds like he's just using you for an easy ride.

Original poster
Peonylass · 04/08/2016 14:47

Thanks toadgirl, useful article. I kinda knew that was the case but it's so useful to see it in black and white.

OP posts:
toadgirl · 04/08/2016 14:51

You need to concentrate on YOU, from now on Peony.

Sounds like you've gone as far as you can carrying this man. If he won't help himself, there's nothing you can do.

You sound like the kind and conscientious type (likely why he was drawn to you in the first place). It's hard to stop picking up the slack if it's part of your make-up, but when you think about it, who deserves your kindness and consideration more than YOU?

Post away and we'll all try and help you/hand-hold, whatever you need :)

Missgraeme · 04/08/2016 14:55

Imagine u are helping a friend in your situation. Take a step back and be a bit toughwr than u usually are. . Sounds like a typical man and it hearing the bita he wants to hear. I told my ex I wanted to move out when he was in the bath. He told me the soap was lovely and carried on washing!! I did leave tho. .

Original poster
Peonylass · 04/08/2016 15:03

Adora1 I know I have carried him for years. Somehow I still manage to get sucked into having to make it up to him.

He contributes just enough and no more. At the moment it's childcare, though the house is trashed and the kids are mainly running free whilst he sits about. He has started doing diy just recently, having left me to decorate much of the house on my own, after work, but his dad is here so it's incentivised him.

I can just cover the bills on my own, if I am very tight. I have been looking for an au pair to start next month, but for some reason the agency haven't found anyone. With an au pair and me covering the bills, then his continued involvement would be unnecessary.

OP posts:
TanteJeanne · 04/08/2016 15:12

You have tried hard for many years. He does not appear to be serious about seeking help. He needs to go before he takes you down with him.

toadgirl · 04/08/2016 15:25

I have been looking for an au pair to start next month, but for some reason the agency haven't found anyone

Take your energy and attention away from your husband and put it towards finding that au pair. Keep pushing the agency. Try several agencies. Whatever it takes.

Original poster
Peonylass · 04/08/2016 16:17

Argh that's all true.

I am a bit scared of going it alone and also concerned that he might not go quietly. I put him on the deeds to my house just before we married and couldn't afford to buy him out for a start.

OP posts:
toadgirl · 04/08/2016 18:30

Of course it's scary, the thought of going it alone, but if you analyse it, you're pretty much on your own already aren't you? It's amazing how lonely a bad marriage can be.

He might not go quietly. He must surprise you. As a PA, he will likely be as difficult as possible. I think there have been other MNers who have extricated themselves from this type of relationship.

I don't know how splitting houses works, but as as well as being on the deeds, wouldn't he have to show how much contribution he has made to the mortgage as well? You need to get advice on that from a reliable source.

Why don't you spend the next few weeks on an information-gathering mission? Make a secret file on your computer (password it) and put stuff in there. Arrange a meeting with an advisor. Push for that au pair. You can't make plans until you know what's what. You might be pleasantly surprised in the end.

At least you will be kept busy and have less time to focus on your husband. You will also be moving forward which will make you feel so much better about life.

toadgirl · 06/08/2016 10:48

Peony

How are things today?

Can you see your way any clearer regarding what you want to do?

Original poster
Peonylass · 07/08/2016 12:58

My DH and I are coexisting. He thinks he might try to go back to work in a couple of weeks. We'll see what happens.. I am still not getting very far with the au pair search.

Nothing is urgent right now. I am doing my best to disengage and will need to gather the paperwork. I am also dieting, with a bit of success.

OP posts: