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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help re 18 yr old daughter

27 replies

maryni · 31/07/2016 11:22

Dd turned 18 this week just done a levels but wants to go to university but having to go through clearing as didn't get a place had 3 interviews.has the boyfriend from hell for last 2 years.He has no qualifications and basically does very little.As usual they know everything and we know nothing! She hasn't got a job over the summer and now no prospects of one as she's left it too late.Announced after her birthday that despite house rules she intends to spend weekends at her boyfriends and then come home but may also be out during the week.Rows ++ about it but just got text she's coming back this evening after going out yesterday morning and probably going out again Tuesday.At my wits end.Boyfriend has his own house as his father died years ago.Advice would be welcome.

OP posts:

Pearlman · 31/07/2016 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

maryni · 31/07/2016 11:44

House rules are to respect everyone else in the house and to come in at night.I don't expect early curfew but 1-2am would be ok but the norm is now to come in anytime raid the fridge or expect meals as normal and just slouch around the house

OP posts:

attsca · 31/07/2016 11:45

Why hasn't she moved in with him full time?

Original poster

maryni · 31/07/2016 11:46

No incentive on his part he'd have to pay more council tax and keep her.Hes 21

OP posts:

2largeglasses · 31/07/2016 11:47

I don't think its massively reasonable to expect an 18 year old home every night.

Pearlman · 31/07/2016 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeforaNNChange · 31/07/2016 11:52

I think you might have to "lose" your key on Tues after she's gone out and send her a text explaining that you've had to change the locks, so she'll need to come back and collect a new key while you're at home.
Then, once she's home, make it clear you'll only give her a new key once she's proved that she respects the house rules.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of your house rules. It's up to you. Your DD has a choice whether to live with you or not.

Cabrinha · 31/07/2016 11:54

She's 18 and you want her to go away to university. You're unnecessarily strict and setting yourself up for confrontation - presumably because you don't like her boyfriend.

At 18, I would say that the rule is if you live here and you're not coming home one night, you let parent know by so that they don't worry about you.

Slouching round the house: my rule would be not to create any work (so - she does her own washing) but otherwise her time is her own. If she doesn't have a job then it's her without any money - no skin off your nose, really.

As to meals: if she has told you she's in, you feed her. If occasionally she then changes her plans, I'd plate up her food and stick it in the fridge for her. But no confirmation she's in, no dinner made. And if it was a constant change of plans AND the plated up meal wasn't eaten by her next day and wasted, then I'd stop including her in the meal.

She can "expect" all she likes.

I wouldn't fight her staying with her boyfriend - I don't see why that has to be a problem.

I would expect to feed my own child, so fridge raising for normal food (a cheese sandwich at lunchtime) would be fine. Fridge raiding that meant eating all the lobster meant for a family dinner - no!

Original poster

maryni · 31/07/2016 11:54

She wants the best of both world complete freedom to do what she wants but all home comforts.I know it's my fault I did too much for her.She doesn't have a house key -she lost it!

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 31/07/2016 11:56

Why wouldn't she want the best of both worlds though?!
And whilst she's staying with him she's not getting all the home comforts - she's not in, with you.

Your house your rules, but I don't see the point in being restrictive about an adult staying over with their boyfriend.

HeddaGarbled · 31/07/2016 11:57

I think that her going to university is a very good thing. She'll have a massive new social group and it will open her eyes to her opportunities so might help her leave the boyfriend behind. You need to play the long game. Stop fighting over the boyfriend now - it will just make her more stubborn. She's not doing anything massively unreasonable, though there is no reason for you to provide meals for her at anytime other than normal family mealtimes. Put your energy into helping her get into uni.

Cabrinha · 31/07/2016 11:59

How on earth does she get in when she has no key?

Rule for lost keys: she has to borrow yours to get a new one cut. The coat of that is her problem. If you're not in, then she gets the hassle - e.g. She needs to be at home to see you off, then take your key for a copy and be at home when you need to get back.

Or get 5 cut yourself and charge her £10 per key for the convenience of you giving her another instantly.

Original poster

maryni · 31/07/2016 12:01

We leave the front door unlocked I'm not a complete ogre.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/07/2016 12:05

The very worst thing you can do about a teenager with an unsuitable boy/girl-friend is to get between them. You push and you will be pulling them together.

She's 18 and it's possible she will come to her senses. Either over the summer and almost certainly when she leaves to go to Uni. Very, very few relationships endure when one is away for so long, realising they have future prospects while the other is in the same old rut, going nowhere.

She lets you know whether she'll be home at night by X time or you'll double-lock the door. If she isn't around no meals will be made for her. She keeps her own room ship-shape and she does her own laundry. If she's home she pulls her weight doing a fair share of the chores. AND YOU DO NOT GIVER HER ANY MONEY! If she wants cash she will need to earn it herself.

Cary2012 · 31/07/2016 12:07

She's 18! She can stay with her boyfriend when she wants. As long as you have an idea of when she is staying out/will be back I think that's fine. My three are all older now, but they often stayed out at 18, I insisted on regular text contact so I knew they were safe. Meals, stock up on a few frozen ready meals and frozen veg etc, let her use these if you don't know her plans, and relax about food. The boyfriend is a separate issue, try and stay neutral about him, the more you show your disapproval, the more appealing she'll find him! I learnt this the hard way...

BITCAT · 31/07/2016 12:08

My son is 18 in Oct. And he regularly stays out..the only stipulation is that he messages me so I know he is safe. And he has been.doing this since he was 16. He has a gf and she also stays here on a regular basis. I think at 18 they should have the freedom to come and go. If my son is not here I don't cook for him. He will eat at his girlfriends or cook for himself. He doesn't tend to come in too late 12 at the latest. He is quiet and he never complains if I haven't cooked for him.
My mother was overbearing strict like yourself OP and it didn't go to well. I had no social life and I hated her and now at 39 I still do not speak to her. She threw me out at 17 because I was seeing a boy she didn't approve of.

Cabrinha · 31/07/2016 12:10

Do you live somewhere that you can leave the front door unlocked all the time?
I don't understand!
What happens when you're at work and she goes to meet a friend for an hour in the day?

It's by the by though.

I don't see why she can't stay where she likes - especially as you want her off to uni in a couple of months!

honeybunny14 · 31/07/2016 12:32

Shes 18 so an adult I think you are being to strict with her my nephews the same age stays out all the time his mum and dad have never once seen it as a issue

Original poster

maryni · 31/07/2016 12:47

I get the message that you think I'm wrong wanting this but she can take up to 2 days to text me when I just want to know she's safe.

OP posts:

BITCAT · 31/07/2016 12:59

Tell her that all you want is for her to message you so that you know she is safe. So if she isn't coming home to let you know at a reasonable time so you can lock up and not be worrying. You don't mind her staying out because she's an adult but you would like the consideration of her letting you know, that's not asking for much.
My son can be an absolute moron at times but even he understands that I just worry and messages me to let me know.

Cabrinha · 31/07/2016 13:11

When she goes to uni in September, will you expect a text every night? I think not.

I do think it's basic manners to tell you whether she is in or not, and as a parent I totally understand that you worry whether she is safe.

But honestly, the risk here is small, and from a safety point of view there actually isn't a need to tell you.

But manners - yes.

I would pick your battles. Where she stays is her business, but as she still lives with you, she either tells you in advance that she isn't coming home on x nights, or she texts you before 21:00 if it's spontaneous. If she doesn't have a key, well tough luck cos door is locked at 21:00.

That is what I would battle over.
At first I might send a 21:15 text: are you staying out? Let me know by 21:00.

If she consistently doesn't bother, then I'd look at my options - talking to her (good luck with that!) or deciding on sanctions - for example do you still give her pocket money?

happypoobum · 31/07/2016 17:49

Erm, why haven't you replaced the key? She can' t feel very welcome. I assume you don't go out for the day and leave the house unlocked?

I would be concentrating on rebuilding your relationship with her to the extent that she will address the issues she has getting into uni, and cross my fingers that she ditches the boyfriend once she is away.

I think it's OK to expect a call/text to say if she will be sleeping at home or not, just so you don't worry, but it sounds like you are having lots of rows and this breakdown in communication might be clouding her mind over your more sensible suggestions?

Take a step back and decide what your priorities are, and forget anything that isn't crucial for now.

Original poster

maryni · 31/07/2016 19:55

I do find it interesting people making assumptions .she lost the key a few days ago and we work from home and work long hours hence the circumstances.

OP posts:

Cary2012 · 31/07/2016 20:07

my kids frequently lost their keys. I leave a spare in a very safe place, so they can always get in if they visit, I'm out and they have misplaced theirs.

Poppledopple · 31/07/2016 20:24

Teenagers are tough but in 17 days she will be accessing clearing and 14 - 21 days after that hopefully moved on to a new adventure. It is positive that she wants to get away. Bide you time, indulge her for now to keep your relationship and your influence at a really critical time.

Deep breath....

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