Stupid online crush

[honeyandmarmitesandwiches]

I've been texting someone sporadically for several months, we haven't met up and honestly I don't know a huge amount about him really but for some reason I've developed a really odd crush.

I know it's ridiculous because actually half of his messages are just sexual and I don't want to be a quick shag for someone, which is partly why I haven't met up with him. Oh and the fact that we haven't even met makes this crush even more 'unreal' and frankly ridiculous. I'm embarrassed to post this really, there are so many other things going on in my life and I'm choosing to obsess and make myself miserable over someone I haven't even met? But that's the way I feel and at the moment it's getting on top of me, I wish I understood why. It's illogical. I have this far fetched hope that something more meaningful may come of it because we do have some real common ground and I don't find that every day, but I know I'm deluding myself since he's so focused on the sexual side of things and keeps his day to day life very much to himself. I've done a tiny bit of online snooping and I'm pretty sure he's not married but this still isn't healthy or normal is it? Help me stop being silly please...is there any hope for this one or do I just cut him off once and for all?

If all he's doing is talking dirty you don't stand a single chance in hell of this becoming something meaningful. Sounds like he's looking to get his rocks off and I'd hate for you to fall into that sort of trap as it doesn't seem to be what you are looking for at all.
Whether you cut him loose or not is up to you but I wouldn't be arranging to meet him anytime soon.

How much of all this is just down to loneliness? I think if you can find a way to widen your RL social circle you'd spend less time obsessing about what you know is a lost cause. This common ground you have with the online-bloke - is there any RL club/group you could join where you'd meet more people who share it?

Thanks both of you. I think loneliness is probably a big part of it, you've hit the nail on the head Hassled

I'm only quite recently separated and don't have much of a social life. The relationship I came out of was almost completely sexless for the last several years and not by my choice so I think it gave me a boost to start with, just someone being sexually interested! It sounds a bit tawdry and it probably is, I'm annoyed with myself for turning it into more than it is in my head. I won't go into any details but he is the very much kind of person I would normally be interested in (and actually probably out of my league) so that's why I started getting caught up in it, plus he says the loveliest things sometimes. And it's me not wanting to meet rather than him...so it's just about ambiguous enough for me to indulge the fantasy that he may actually 'like' me rather than just being after a shag, however the evidence for that is slim really.

The other part of the reason for me not wanting to meet is that I'm trying to lose a couple of stone ...zero body confidence at the moment so I guess I'm hiding. I'm a wally aren't I? It's just taking over my brain at the moment, I feel quite anxious and down because I'd like it to be something and I know it's not going to be but I can't let it go so I just feel stuck and a big hopeless.

A bit hopeless, that should say

I know this all sounds so silly but I really could do with some outside input here, I have a tendency to lose perspective and I can't talk to anyone irl about it.

I think you should distance yourself from this bloke. He's making you unhappy. You say yourself you have body and self esteem issues and you are trying to perfect yourself for him - why? He clearly isn't that into you if he won't accept you and care about you for who you are.
You obviously know he's only interested in the physical.
If you want to make changes, make changes for yourself not for some booty call arranged over the Internet. It will do your self esteem no good once it's all over.
Hassled gave you some really good advice already, maybe you could join a club or take up a hobby and meet some likeminded people as you go? That would stand you in better stead of fulfilling or enriching your life. You are a good and genuine person who has a great deal to offer someone, more than this chap is trying to take you for. Mean more to yourself than all that.

I don't know, I think you could meet up with him and have some fun. But only if you can enter into it not expecting it to go anywhere. (I disagree that something sexual can't turn into something more, but it would be a bad idea to go in pinning your hopes on more). But nothing wrong in having a shag.

In person, you might not be attracted anyway and the bubble would burst.

Hmm, I think if you MET him that might cure your crush.

I communicated on and off for a couple of months with a man and we didn't 'sext' but we had a GREAT on line rapport. However, for some reason, when we met each other we were both struck dumb. Our fake rapport ground to a screeching halt in real life. And we were both extroverts. It was weird.

Thanks Lottie I know you're right. I do want to lose the weight just in the general and thought it might help me get off my arse and get motivated but it's just making me feel inadequate and anxious.

I know if I did meet him it would lose a lot of mystique and I may not even fancy him but I just feel too shy and uncomfortable at the moment to do so, so it's kind of building it up in my mind to be more if that makes sense.

I have a lot going on at the moment anyway and don't want to start anything complicated so that's partly why I've kept putting it off, I have exams for a professional qualification I'm doing in January and thought maybe I'd be in a different frame of mind after that. It's a long way off though and I feel a bit silly saying something like that, do you think he would lose interest totally? Or that it would build up expectations in some way? I kind of want to detach but keep it on the back burner until after that when hopefully things are a bit more settled for me, but I realise it doesn't usually work that way.

if you have to question whether he will lose interest if you make him wait you already know whether he's serious about you or not.
If you want to have some fun I say go for it BUT do not expect anything from this guy. If all he does it sex-text I doubt entirely he's got much of an interest in you beyond that.
I'm not personally sure why you'd want to keep him on the back burner but I would imagine he won't hang around if you stop being receptive to his advances.

Walk away now. It'll be very short term excitement (at most) for BIG long term hurt. Guaranteed. Just block him. He's just looking for something to jack off over.

I know that's good advice. I think I'm kind of working up to that but posting on here makes it more real (as in a really stupid situation!) so that helps.

On the other side of the coin abs ignoring the fact that he's mainly about the sex it would appear, has anyone had a reasonably drawn out online communication that translated well in real life?

I texted someone I met on Twitter for about 18 months. It was a real let down when we actually met - what was witty and clever in a text was mean mouthed and bitchy in real life. I'd suggest meeting him as soon as possible. That way you know whether it's worth pursuing, or whether you should cut your losses. If he doesn't want to meet, move on. I wasted 18 months of my life sitting in, texting, when I should have been out having fun and learning new things.

Meet him. You mustn't keep him on a backburner until a magical time when you have lost weight and everything is great. What happens if you have invested all this thought and emotional energy all that time and you're completely repulsed by him in person - or worse, not really attracted and he's alright but feel like you have put so much time into it, you should pursue it?

Meet him and have some fun. If you're only recently separated then maybe that's what you're subconsciously looking for anyway and that's why you're attracted to him. Just don't get too involved.

Could you test him a bit?
Message him something real. Job issues? Just see if he give a fuck.

I'm abroad at the moment Chanel and sent him a message two days ago saying I kept being awake half the night (jet lag) and still waiting for him to bother to respond, so I think basically he doesn't give a fuck and likes to let me wait if it's anything mundane or, you know, an actual person getting to know another person. Thanks for giving me clarity there...

I feel kind of embarrassed at myself really, he's never shown enough real interest to warrant caring one way or another. Why do I get so overinvested? I hope he hasn't realised

He still hasn't even replied to my last text (sent Sunday morning)

Delete and block, or is that an overreaction?

Delete and block. It'll close that door for you.

I don't know what's wrong with me but i feel really upset about it.

It's been an escape and now it's crashed, so it's going to hurt. There's nothing wrong with you.

Thanks xx

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I'd come out of a relationship and was lonely, low etc and began talking to a guy. He claimed he wasn't just interested in sex but that was literally all he would talk about. Whenever I tried to talk about anything...real (for want of a better word), he would just try to change the subject back to sex (whilst still trying to deny that he was just interested in sex). I may not have been in the best place but thank God I was sensible enough to realise that, despite his reassurances, he was only interested in sex, and as I don't do the casual thing, it would have definitely been setting myself up for a fall if I'd met up with him. He sounds similar to your guy (so to speak) - never responded to texts unless it suited him etc. The only difference, from the sounds of it, is that I knew he wasn't the type of guy that suited me...but darn it, if he didn't have a pretty face.
The last conversation I had with him, about 3 years ago, he even said that if I was with someone, he'd still want to be friends (because, of course, he wasn't just interested in sex)....then when I said something along the lines of "That's good, because I've actually just started a relationship with someone...." he swiftly disappeared and haven't heard from him since!

I think, if it wasn't for the fact that my circumstances changed over the time I'd been talking to him and I was in a much better place, I think I would have felt similar to you (and have a number of years ago, with a different guy that I thought something was going to happen with).
If he's not genuinely interested in you though, it is much better to shut down contact now than keep it going and get even more invested.

Looking back, even aside from the one track mind, I had a lucky escape...he already got controlling when I went out and got back later than I said so we didn't end up talking until later and there were other weird instances that it was only later that I realised were off that and the fact his dad was a complete creep

Keep your head up, it will get easier with time!

Thanks redlittlesquirrel. Was he just somebody you'd met online or did you ever see him in person? I feel so silly being bothered about someone I haven't met, today I finally got to the point where I felt quite upset he hasn't bothered replying, and that means I probably have to accept his interest in me is minimal. I think it's probably because I feel unsettled and not that confident at the moment but it really got to me and I was actually in tears earlier, even though it's obviously not remotely worth that.
The casual thing isn't really for me, it's just a shame because we actually have a lot of good stuff in common but I think because he's separated he's just not in that frame of mind. Also he probably was out of my league anyway