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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that PIL assume they're invited for Christmas?

51 replies

Lorelei2 · 28/07/2016 20:48

I don't really want them with us for Christmas. I want a Christmas with just us in the morning and then going to my mum and dads for Christmas lunch. I want a Christmas morning where it's just us not having to wait til they get back from church to open the presents and then being stressed because MIL wants to know who got what and it's all a bit of a stress. The problem is, they don't realise this and I'm too chicken to say anything because I know they'll be offended. And the worst thing is my DH thinks its fine to have Christmas with his parents and doesn't think along the same lines as me about it. I'm going to have to suck it up and let them come for Christmas but I don't want them to. They've just sat there and booked their flights to come, even though I didn't agree (but I didn't disagree either) It seems it doesn't matter what I think. They've booked them because the price will go up if they don't so that's why they've had to do it now. I just want a magical Christmas with my little family but they'll spoil it. But maybe I married the wrong man because he doesn't see it either.

OP posts:
Doublemint · 28/07/2016 20:57

I think YABU because you didn't communicate your concerns to the rest of the family.

I think people put a LOT of pressure onto just one day. I too get my ILs coming over for Christmas so try to do a year on year off thing.

Tbh you should've spoken to your DP before anything was booked it's all too late now.

I would try a compromise and have them there but open the presents whenever you want, do your normal family Christmas thing and hope they enjoy spending time with you all at YOUR home.

Don't read to much into your DP not understanding, I doubt he's a mind reader! just focus on the rest of the Christmas break and how next year it's your turn for the quiet family Christmas. Although you will have to make it V clear ASAP after January that that is the plan. Do they have somewhere else to go next year?

ChicRock · 28/07/2016 20:59

Well now is the time to talk to your DH about how you'd rather not spend Christmas 2017 with them. Unless you expect him to read your mind.

You might find that he'd quite like the opportunity to tell you how he feels about the assumption that you'll go to your parents for lunch.

Original poster
Lorelei2 · 28/07/2016 21:02

They don't do year on year off, we've spent every Christmas with them. They don't understand the concept that they might not be wanted. It doesn't enter their heads. I do appreciate what you're saying. I just think my DH knows I don't want to spend EVERY Christmas with them but he doesn't want to do anything about it. He doesn't respect my wishes. Honestly, I don't like the pressure put on just one day and it wouldn't be an issue to me if I could have just one Christmas with my children on our own before they get too big. But, in my relationship it's too much to ask. Maybe there are underlying issues I need to address.

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 28/07/2016 21:06

Maybe your DH feels it's important to see his parents at Christmas especially as they live in another country. You have to communicate with each other it's not just your Christmas to plan as you see fit

Original poster
Lorelei2 · 28/07/2016 21:08

Every year ChicRock I tell him my husband, well, next year we'll have Christmas just us, but he can't stand up to his parents and tell them they're not invited. They just assume they are. It's also because they come for a whole week not just a couple of days so it monopolises our entire time off over the Christmas break and they are very opinionated about the way we're bringing up our children and don't hesitate to share their views about how we're doing things wrong and what we should be doing. It makes for quite a stressful atmosphere which doesn't do the kids any good, receiving discipline from different people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorelei2 · 28/07/2016 21:10

Bakingaddict I appreciate what you're saying but it's only England and we're in Scotland and they've been staying with us for 3 weeks over the summer holidays already and they're planning to monopolose our October break holidays too by coming back. I just think every holiday break is now going to be granny and grandad time, not mummy and daddy time.

OP posts:
ChicRock · 28/07/2016 21:10

Yes the underlying issues are that you don't communicate your wishes but still expect your DH to respect them.

Here's a radical idea. Try saying to him "hey DH, I know your folks have already booked for this year, but next year I'd really like us to do something different and have Christmas to ourselves, what do you think?".

ChicRock · 28/07/2016 21:12

Ah X post.

Ok if they're that hardfaced then you need to tell your in-laws yourself, "were looking forward to having you this year. And I've decided that next year we'll be doing something different, just me, DH and the kids".

Doublemint · 28/07/2016 21:16

Totally book something up for 2017 then just for you guys! Or invite your parents over too?

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 28/07/2016 21:19

It's so hard OP, isn't it? I too would like a magical Christmas of just our little family, without having to put up with MIL'S constant criticism, controlling behaviour and cat's bum face if something is not done The Way She Says.

But I can hardly say that to DP (he does know that I can barely tolerate the woman). Unsurprisingly he takes a more benign view of her. He is happy that Christmas should be about recreating his childhood. This is impossible as his family has gone separate ways (mostly for positive reasons). So if you want I'm competing against a dream, a rosy memory.

I realised that I can never have the Christmas that I want while I'm with my partner. This is a big deal to me - I am a Christmas freak and daydream about it almost through the year. I have pondered if this is a deal-breaker in our relationship. Then I realised that DP cannot have the Christmas that he wants with me (he would like to go to his mum's house). So we have reached a sort of compromise in that Christmas is spent at ours, with MIL and BIL coming over for a few days. At the beginning MIL wouldn't hear of it - she wanted us to drive 5 hours to hers with a car full of presents and 2 small children. She has now reluctantly agreed that maybe it's better for them to come over - seeing that they have bigger, comfortable cars, no worries about booking leave as they don't need to work, no kids screaming in the car, no explanations to give to said kids about the boxes in the boot...

I have realised that the Christmas that I want will never happen. And this Christmas is the best I'm going to get.

Not sure of this helps but you have my sympathies.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 28/07/2016 21:20

I think it would be fine if neither sets were involved but to tell him his cant come but yours will be seen on the day is unfair.

Original poster
Lorelei2 · 28/07/2016 21:20

Thanks ChicRock I'll give it a go. Maybe I just need to man up a bit. I just feel Christmas is such an emotive time. It's like everyone has their own ideas of how it should be. My parents haven't been able to spend Christmas with us for such a long time and when I told my mum today that my PIL were coming again this Christmas she was very disappointed. They won't come over for Christmas meal if my PIL are there. They'll come for a short time but they won't stay because they don't like them very much. They think they're a bit overpowering and quite rude. So I feel sorry for my parents who won't come because my PIL are here. However the other side of me feels, well, my parents should just grow up and come over even if they are here rather than making it a strained situation by making a point of not coming. Sorry it's getting a bit complicated. It's just my PIL are sociable people and my parents are not. Families!!

OP posts:
PenelopePitstops · 28/07/2016 21:20

Wow they sound awful.

Time to woman up yourself and tell them it's not fair or convenient.

Do you see your parents on the day?

PenelopePitstops · 28/07/2016 21:21

Crossed post!

Why not say you'll go to your parents after dinner? You take the kids and your dh can make his mind up. Main point is that PILs don't come.

UnexpectedBaggage · 28/07/2016 21:23

So you want to see your parents at Christmas but not his? YABVU.

Original poster
Lorelei2 · 28/07/2016 21:27

OhtoblazeswithElvira thank you so much for your post!

I'm sorry you don't get the Christmas you want but I'm so grateful you shared it with me because I know someone is in the same boat. And Christmas shouldn't be a time for squabbling but it's just the assumption that they're always going to be here for every Christmas. I guess it's more the principle that they don't think they have to wait for an invitation. It's only July for god's sake! I don't know what I'm planning for Christmas yet, but.... they have to book it because the flights are cheap! Cest la vie!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/07/2016 21:29

I guess you either simmer with resentment for the next x years or YOU tell them "Btw just to give you plenty of warning Christmas 2017 we're doing something different so you won't be able to come and stay for the week" Perhaps then implement alternate years so both you and your DH get a go at the sort of Christmas you would like.

TendonQueen · 28/07/2016 21:29

Right, you can't have exactly what you want this year, but you can take some steps. For October, book a holiday of your own, or make some plans like going to your parents and maybe some friends too. If your husband protests, say you'd like time there to match up with the time PILS have had up at yours. Now, Christmas: how about you book to go out for a meal that your parents can come to as well, and being out will dilute your PILS a bit? And I would definitely open presents when you want - make a point of it being the kids' big day and it being unkind to make them wait.

tribpot · 28/07/2016 21:34

Maybe your parents could be a bit more sociable but you are making a huge amount of allowances for the overbearing nature of your in-laws and none at all for the fact your parents are more introverted. Just as you are making all the allowances for your DH and he is making none for you.

They are taking up way too much of your family time as it is. Three weeks of the summer hols, and the October half term and Christmas? I take it you get the brunt of the extra work when they're there? I honestly would take yourself away in October and leave DH with the kids and his parents. After this Christmas he needs to tell them that they are welcome to join you on (say) 27 Dec for a couple of days but you will be spending Christmas Day with his in-laws.

Original poster
Lorelei2 · 28/07/2016 21:38

Thank you TendonQueen and RandomMess. I'll talk to him and hopefully we'll get something sorted. I think sometimes things like this just highlight certain issues like 'my views are never considered' and I know that sounds selfish and I should just speak up for myself but I'm made to feel very ungrateful. Why wouldn't I want my kids' grandparents to stay for weeks on end?

OP posts:
Inertia · 28/07/2016 21:54

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you need to toughen up a bit and organise the things you want to do with your own family. Don't wait until the inlaws have booked flights, make your own plans first.

If you want to go elsewhere in October, plan it now and tell the in-laws now that you won't be around at half term. Tell them that as they're with you this Christmas, next Christmas you'll be away visiting your family.

If you do what you've always done, you'll end up with the same results you've always had.

Original poster
Lorelei2 · 28/07/2016 22:01

Thanks all I've tried bringing it up with dh and he says I'm ungrateful and at least they're making the effort to come to visit and they might not be around forever. At least I tried to get my message across.

OP posts:
tribpot · 28/07/2016 22:03

Ungrateful for having to put up with rude people who don't wonder why you never get to see your own parents on Christmas Day? What does your DH do when they're here, does he take three weeks off work to run around after them?

oldestmumaintheworld · 28/07/2016 22:06

There is still six months to Christmas so here's what you do

Say to your DH, I'm sorry I do not want to spend this Christmas with your parents so either you tell them not to come or I will go to mine.

Job done. But you have to own it.

WeekendAway · 28/07/2016 22:12

'I just want a magical Christmas with my little family'

You don't though, do you? You want a magical Christmas with 'your little family' plus your parents, but not your husband's parents.

If they are guests in your house then do Christmas your way and don't let them call the shots. If you wNt the children to open their presents first thing in the morning then let them. If your PILs want to see this then they either need to get up earlier and see it before church, or miss church. Their choice. Unless they want to withhold their own gifts until after church, which is their perogative. These things don't need to be a complicated drama unless you let them be.