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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that PIL assume they're invited for Christmas?

51 replies

Lorelei2 · 28/07/2016 20:48

I don't really want them with us for Christmas. I want a Christmas with just us in the morning and then going to my mum and dads for Christmas lunch. I want a Christmas morning where it's just us not having to wait til they get back from church to open the presents and then being stressed because MIL wants to know who got what and it's all a bit of a stress. The problem is, they don't realise this and I'm too chicken to say anything because I know they'll be offended. And the worst thing is my DH thinks its fine to have Christmas with his parents and doesn't think along the same lines as me about it. I'm going to have to suck it up and let them come for Christmas but I don't want them to. They've just sat there and booked their flights to come, even though I didn't agree (but I didn't disagree either) It seems it doesn't matter what I think. They've booked them because the price will go up if they don't so that's why they've had to do it now. I just want a magical Christmas with my little family but they'll spoil it. But maybe I married the wrong man because he doesn't see it either.

OP posts:
Chelazla · 28/07/2016 22:13

Yabu i would be very annoyed if my husband wanted his parents involved in Christmas and not my family. I wouldn't have it.

Wandastartup · 28/07/2016 22:19

I feel your pain. 2 weeks summer holiday,May half term & Christmas with in laws here. I booked a weekend away at Easter to stop them coming then too. I get 6 weeks holiday a year and really really resent spending 4 + weeks of it with inlaws... Also rude over bearing and unhelpful. I thought I had written this post except we're in England & them in Scotland..,

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/07/2016 22:27

If you want Christmas day to be as you want (just yourselves without any other family members), would it be possible for the IL to arrive on Boxing day (that is if they are staying with you while they visit) rather than arrive on or before Christmas day itself?

I agree with the other poster who suggested that you might want to say something to them gently about Christmas 2017...or else book a sun holiday for you, your DH and your kid(s) so that you'll be away for Christmas. It's what my IL do every Christmas, spend it on a beach in Spain! Smile

FashionablyLate · 28/07/2016 22:38

If you are sure that you have made it clear that you did not want them this year, then you need to tell them. 'There seems to have been a misunderstanding - we had planned to have Christmas just the 4 of us this year. I hope you understand!'

If you cannot be sure that you have been clear about this (note DHs need things like this spelt out to them - not just casually mention 'oh we'll do it different next year') then you need to suck it up this year but put your foot down for next year.

BertrandRussell · 28/07/2016 22:43

So your parents won't stay and have dinner with his parents- and it's his parents that are rude?

oK then................

LazySusan11 · 28/07/2016 22:44

You spend Christmas with your parents and let dh spend it with his. Then next year make it very clear it's just you your dh and the kids.

MuchasSmoochas · 28/07/2016 22:53

I feel your pain but to be honest with you Christmas with in laws is part of being married and you have to suck it up. I too would prefer it to be just us but we have the in laws every year and I wouldn't hurt DH by saying anything because his sisters won't take them in, and if they didn't come to us they would be home alone. But yes, do it your way.

TheBouquets · 29/07/2016 02:17

I think it is very selfish of your PILs to expect you to have them every Christmas. Does your DH and PILs know that the reason your own DP do not have Christmas meal with you is because of the PILs overbearing ways. There are people who will shy away from overbearing types rather than speak out.
Are the PILs so unaware that they do not see that they are pushing your own DP out. Be careful that your own DP don't give up the hope of having as much contact as the other set of parents

NPowerShitShower · 29/07/2016 02:50

Well, your DP doesn't sound up to much if he can't stand up to them! Surely you and your nuclear family unit come first now? I'd go nuclear if someone booked flights and just assumed we'd be there (and have done in the past - we live abroad). What a strange attitude! To be honest, I'd be tempted to say that they can't come. Your DP are here this year and that's enough excitement for the kids.

SalemsLott · 29/07/2016 03:00

Sounds like the big problem here is your dh.
Take your dc's to your parents for Christmas and leave him with pil Wink

2nds · 29/07/2016 03:03

It seems that the DP can't stand up to OP and tell her that they are his parents, his children's grandparents and that it's also his house and he should be able to have his parents over for Christmas if he wants and if her parents have an issue they can either Bury the hatchet or stay away and sulk.
BTW it's July, but I take it the DP will be moaned at from now until January about it! If my OH told me he didn't want my parents over he'd be booking himself a hotel room for the time that they'd be here.

SalemsLott · 29/07/2016 03:10

2nds did you not read op's post at 22.01 Hmm

AnnaMarlowe · 29/07/2016 03:11

I suspect that very few people actually get the Christmas they want.

There is however a big difference between having to have your pils every year of the sake of marital harmony and lying down and letting them walk all over you in your own home.

Speak to your husband. If Christmas is non negotiable then the October holidays are absolutely negotiable.

Ground rules for Christmas are also negotiable. Respect for you and your parenting is a minimum - as is your DH's support.

You need to put on your big girl pants.

bloodyteenagers · 29/07/2016 03:13

Here's a suggestion.
You have told him that you would like a year without them and to instead actually see your parents. Who you never get to see at Christmas. So this year it's too late they have already booked. But next year
You are going to your parents.

If he wants to pull the selfish card - tell yup thanks for bringing that up instead of me. Because that's the word I was looking for, when we spent the last X years with your parents for Christmas.

bakingaddict · 29/07/2016 07:30

Oh sorry I saw your reply Lorelei that is far too much of your annual leave to spend with IL's. I would reduce summer holidays and tell them she has activities planned in half term so it's not worth coming down. Communicate with your DH exactly how you feel and make him tell them

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 29/07/2016 07:45

WeekendAway

'I just want a magical Christmas with my little family'

It was me who said that and not the OP.

FWIW my parents live abroad and I haven't seen them at Christmas for over 10 years. We have a lovely relationship but I still prefer Christmas with just my nuclear family.

OP my DP would be quite happy for us to spend every school holiday with MIL. I put a stop to that pretty quick. I was Mrs Nasty for a while Hmm but now that DC1 is a bit older (s)he enjoys having time to play with friends at home, have days out locally etc instead of being whisked away to grandmother's at the first opportunity.

ChanelNo314 · 29/07/2016 08:13

Ask your parents over too.

That'll prepare them for next year.

But tbh, I think you're being silly when you say ''maybe I married the wrong man''. Who would the right man be, somebody with parents who ignored him? a man without parents? Your Husband has parents. They live in a different country, and they want to see him at Christmas.

MorrisZapp · 29/07/2016 08:24

The in laws aren't 'coming over' for Christmas, they're flying in and staying for a week.

Absolutely no way I'd be up for that but then I wouldn't move in with or have kids with someone without being roughly on the same page about all this stuff. MN is an eye opener. Do people just have kids with a guy and hope for the best?

Ragwort · 29/07/2016 08:30

Ohtoblazes - the OP also made the same point in her first message I just want a magical Christmas with my little family .............. I wonder how you will all feel when your children decide that they would prefer a 'magical Christmas with their own little family' in the future Hmm.

Why should the Op's parents have more importance than her DH's parents?

Christmas is so fraught with angst for so many people ............... I feel sad that such a special time of year causes so much unhappiness.

wobblywonderwoman · 29/07/2016 08:38

What would annoy me is three weeks in the summer, Oct midterm and Christmas!!!!

You need to tell them you are going away for mid term or you have other visitors - start breaking the routines

StealthPolarBear · 29/07/2016 08:51

Didn't the op say this was the first year they'd see her parents in a long time??

LellyMcKelly · 29/07/2016 09:25

You can't stop them coming this year, but it's your house so your rules - present opening when you want it, taking them round to your parents for Christmas lunch, etc. Organise it how you want and they will have to fall in line.

bloodyteenagers · 29/07/2016 12:29

How have the ops parents got more importance than the Inlaws?
The Inlaws have been there every Christmas for years. This year the op would have liked a chilled morning then spend some time with her parents.
Since when was this wrong? The Inlaws are monopolizing every single Christmas and a good chunk of the school holidays.

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2016 12:44

I have never heard anyone say "my little family" without actually meaning "excluding my in laws" Grin

BiddyPop · 29/07/2016 13:45

OK: What I am taking from OP's posts is:

DPILs have come every Christmas for the past few at least - flying in for a week
DPILs also visited for 2 weeks in summer, and another week at Oct midterm
DPILs just "announce" their intentions, do not ask if they can visit
(I am assuming from the posts that PIL stay in OP's home)

OP's DPs live somewhat more local
OP has not had Christmas dinner with her own DPs for some years as she has been entertaining DPILs
DPs will not eat Christmas dinner in OPs house if DPILs are there also

OP had understood that THIS year, it was due to be her own DPs year to have dinner at her house

DPILs dictate what must happen at Christmas even though they are in OPs house

OP's own DPartner agreed that it was OP's DP's year, but refused to stand up to his DP's when they announced the fait accompli (sorry about all the DPs)

OK - so DPILs have now booked their flights. Presumably to get cheap deal they have booked non-refundable tkts.

Firstly, tell DPILs that this was not what you had expected, you will be happy to see them over the holidays but that you really want some time to relax this year over the holidays.

So you are asking them politely to find a hotel/guesthouse/cottage locally rather than stay with you. And/Or at least rent a car to get around while that are in the locality.

Whether they stay with you or not, things will be different this Christmas. DCs are getting bigger and you will be allowing them to open presents at a time that suits you, and making various calls etc on your timetable. You will, of course, make sure that DPILs will be able to get to Christmas services, but you may not go with them as you may go to a children's service or not at all or the one local to your own DPs etc.

Could you all go OUT to Christmas dinner - would your DPs go for that in the company of DPILs?

Could you talk to your DPs and get them on board to come to your house in DPILs company this year, but that you will have them alone next year?

Bertrand - I often say "my little family" - meaning DH, DD and I, and not including either DPILs OR my own DPs. We are happy to see lots of both - but there comes a point at which you want to enjoy just being your own family doing your own things.

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