your relationship with your mother.

[baldrick]

I don't know about anyone else here but am always analysing the relationship that I have with my mother, who I love to bits btw. I wonder often if I'm a nice daughter for her to have (which I'm sure I am)....but the thing I am really curious about is the amount of time other mumsnetters spend with their mothers, face to face, or on the phone...feel I should be having conversations with her more than once a week and feel it's probably normal to do so...thing is as she doesn't ring me every week I tend to be a bit slack and can go for 3 weeks (btw we are similar but not that similar) any thoughts.

My mum lives in Italy, so I don't get to see her all that often, but we talk on the phone or on MSN almost every day.

If you are feeling you want to speak to her more often, I'd say just pick up the phone and ring her!

how often do other people ring their mothers? btw spacemonkey if I spoke on the phone every day she would think it weird, I wouldn't (just the way I am, she's got loads of friends and me ringing up every day would be too much)....is your mum always pleased to hear from you every day btw?

I think she is pleased to hear from me yes!

Reading between the lines, sounds like you wish your mum was making more of an effort to communicate with you?

yes, she's done all the running with bringing us up so I guess I should be doing the running, but for some reason she doesn't ring up every week, perhaps I should ring her every week and expect nothing in return??

Can you not talk to her about how you feel? Tell her you'd like to speak to her and/or see her more often?

yes, I'll try, have a bit of a fear of talking about personal stuff with her it's very silly I know (but when was 19 I was in trouble and came to her for help and she shouted at me as I stood at the door and told me it was my problem and I should sort it out) from then on have always been wary of opening up to her (very silly I know) but things like when I was very young she took all my sisters to France on a holiday and not me and doesn't visit me now half as much as the others (I feel I am the one she feels she ought to visit and not wants to)....whole point of this thread btw is to see how often people keep in touch with their mothers and NOT about my relationship with my mother....as wanted to see what the norm was...btw my mother has about 100 friends, I have half a dozen, we are not so similar and I do fin it hard to open up to her...thank-you for reading this

I'll ring her about this, sorry a bit rambly

baldrick.... i see mum only around every 8 weeks or so... we only live a couple of hours away but she has a very busy job and i have a baby so lives are fairly busy. sometimes we talk once a week, sometimes, like you it gets to 3 weeks before one of us calls the other... and she ignores my texts!

i moved away from where my mum and most of my family are, its about an hour drive. I don't see my mum or hear from her that much, as with my friend she sees her mum all the time. I envy her alot and which i had a relationship like that, but i am thinking that my mum is married where as my friends mum isn't and is on her own so to speak. I haven't spoken to my mum at all this week, she never really phones me, she's written to me and eek, i haven't written back yet. I envy my sister because she sees her alot more, but i don't think she would care or not.(things happened in the past with my mum and step dad and my sister which i would rather not say, but my sister lived with my real dad). Shes always babysitting for my sister and has basically told me in other words that she couldn't do the same for me because i am too far away. Sometimes althought i love my family dearly btw, it can hurt alot i am only 25 not that age matters but i still feel young at times and want my mum. Sorry for ranting.

I talk to my mum weekly. We take turns to ring each other. We only talk for about 10-15 minutes because it a long distance call to/from Australia. Before I moved over here, I talked to her every day, but not because I wanted to. It was really because my dad put a guilt trip on me if I didn't. And I used to go see them once a week after dd1 was born, or else I got the guilt trip again. HTH

We ring each other once a week, sometimes we talk for 5-10 min, sometimes we talk for an hour (Thanks God for OneTel, my family leaves in America).

My mother is a bit like yours, the only difference is that she tells you to solve your problem yourself whether you have a broken nail or a broken marriage, so, maybe because I don't expect much of a "motherly" behaviour I talk to her as friend (but not as my best friend)and since I am so far away, our relationship is at its best

I need to say that one of the most problematic things about the mother-daughter relationships is that we all grown in all this marketing that mothers are perfect and that they are supposed to be our best friends, but in reality mothers are as human as daughters, and they may have things in common with us or not.

when i lived mear mum i went to see her a couple of times a week. she never came to my house unless i picked her up - but that was ok - i reasoned this by thinking that i had a car and it was easier for me to get the family ready than it was for her to get the bus. but this was the case even before i could drive, i used to get the bus with 3 babies to see her. i think i was making sure i was the dutiful daughter and therefore leaving myself guilt free- rather than seeing her becuase i truly wanted too.

however mum has mental issues which have developed over the years. deep depression for decades after the loss of my father compounded by paranoia and the fact that i moved 300 miles away all came to a head in feb/march when i went to my home town for a funeral when she screamed and spat and pushed me out of her house and called me evil and said my children were evil.

i still love her and although i do try to rationalise her actions - her mental state - the fact i am an only child - the only person to vent to, i am not a good enough person to forgive her. i cant get past the fact that she doesnt love my children ( no birthday or xmas cards this year which i ignored for the sake of peace before the argument)

however, i have the kind of flawless easy going relationship with my nan that i always thought "should" have been the way with mum. i ring her one a week or more she came down to holiday with us and i love her as a person not becuase she is family and i should. there is no sense of duty with my nan becuase each time we talkor visit its an utter pleasure. i am v. lucky.

don't know how my experience will help your situation but hope it may.

xx

Before I moved I used to see my mum a couple of times a week. Now I have moved we see each other maybe once a month(?) but she stays with us for a few days. We speak most days on the phone. I do miss her physical presense now I have moved but we dont get on each others nerves so much. We are very similar and do clash but she means the world to me. I said to my husband yesterday I dont what I would do without her, its not that she does anything for me but I would miss her friendship. Losing my sister has taught me not to take her for granted and I am so proud of the way she has carried on with her life even though things have been falling all around her. I also have a great relationship with my Gran, with whom I can talk about anything. Me and my gran are on the phone most days aswell! (no wonder my phone bill is so high) but my Gran and Grandad used to look after me alot when I was younger because of my sisters illness so I suppose that is why we are closer.

My husband on the other hand rarely sees his mum. He maybe rings her once a month. I ring her every week because my husband just forgets. She never used to visit even when we lived close. We always had to do the visiting. She would come to where we lived to go shopping but would never drop in. Christmas is a nightmare with his family every year because we have to do all the dropping off and collecting and I pressume it will be even worse this year because of the travelling issue.

I should also add, because I ring my MIL every week she has now starting taking her moods out me!

I speak to my mum on the phone upto four times a week and for at least an hour, sometimes two or three. I usually ring her because I get free calls and my dad is a skinflint, lol. I see both parents about every two months, because we live 200 mile away from each other.

A differennt persepctive, but my relationship with my mum is like I'm still her teenage son, whereas I'm as close to my Dad as can be - though I'd NEVER take his advice about parenting.

My relationship has generally been very close with my Mum, due to the life we have led together. But when it has become strained, it has been VERY strained (extremes I guess). We are very similar and so when it's good, it's fantastic. But when it's bad, it's heartbreaking.

She lives 100 miles from me and I currently don't drive, I either have to drag her over here (she drives) or drag my entire family (5 of us) over to Wales. We go to see her about once a month and she comes to see us about the same. So on average we see each other around once a fortnight.

It was great when I was a teenager as she was the cool mum who all my mates wanted ! She was pretty relaxed and I didn't take advantage of that fact (not much anyway), so the arrangement suited us perfectly. Then I had children and found her hands off approach quite upsetting, she adores DD (almost 2), but it's only recently that she has started to ask after her on the 'phone and really start to get involved. Don't get me wrong she was always wonderful when she came to visit, very involved and affectionate. But it was almost a case of 'out of sight, out of mind' for her when she went away again & .

I suspect that if I asked her why she was so distanced, she would say that she didn't want to be an 'interferring granny', and it was just a case of us getting the balance a bit wrong. But I am sooooo pleased to say that my Mum is starting to find her balance now and is becoming much more involved, which I love .

Oh, forgot to sat that we speak on the 'phone around twice a week, possibly more than that now that DD hogs the phone and asks to phone Fangle (her granny/nanna type name)!

Me and my mom have a great relationship now, but it was very bad between about 11 and 14.
My parents had a terrible divorce and big custody battle, and as i wanted to stay living with my dad (as did my brothers) our relationship really deterioated as she just refused to allow it and did some horrible things to try and make sure it didn't happen.
Luckily we eventually made up a while after the divorce, and we now get on great and see each other near,y every day as she lives in the opposite block to me

I speak to my Mum once a week on the phone. We really get on quite well when we are in separate countries, but I have a tendancy to revert back to moody 15 yr old if I spend more than a week at a time with her. So we mostly visit each other for long weekends.

My relationship with my mum has become more complicated over the last couple of years as she has developed some mental health problems, and we are now in each others pockets as I live with her too! She is not really the person she was a few years ago and that has obviously changed our dynamic somewhat. Her illness has put up a bit of a barrier between us, which I am really sad about.

However, despite all our difficulties recently I would say that our relationship is still fundamentally a good one. I am less open with her these days about what I am feeling, things that are going on in my head etc because I don't want to worry her (fat chance lol!) But I know that she has friends who are genuinely envious of our relationship - I think in some ways I am quite a 'good' daughter (in the sense of being dutiful, I suppose) and have tried to stay close to her (emotionally speaking) as far as possible. When I was not living here we would certainly speak on the phone two or three times a week and it was not unusual for us to speak everyday. I would not say she is my 'best friend' - we have never had a girly-type relationship, but we do generally get on well and love each other dearly even when we are driving each up the wall!

Thanks very much for taking the time to post your replies to this, it's much appreciated I will try and ask her this....but one thing my sister said when she came down to visit was that I am nothing like our mother (she was with us for about 48 hours...I have known her all my life)...is it possible for a child to be very unlike one parent (as I was very like my dad in many ways) and to inherit mostly one parent's characteristics....btw in 48 hours your true personality can't show, but I think she was genuine....maybe because we are so unalike that's why we don't get on that well...just a thought.

I sometimes feel like I ring my mother too much, She lives really close and we speak once a day and see each other 3+ times a week. I think I'm pretty dependent on her input with my dd (11 months) but also I love seeing her with her, and bask in the praise that she heaps on dd. That sounds as if I'm craving her attention and am getting it vicariously though dd, which I'm not entirely sure is the case. I do think though that I'm not as grown-up and as self-sufficient perhaps because she's there as my support (dh is too!).
I tend to be the one ringing, but probably more because I ring when it's a good time dd-wise, and she doesn't want to call in the middle of a meal/nap/when we're out and about.
Occasionally I'll try not to phone, just to chat, but inevitably dd does something interesting or I feel like conversation with an adult, and I'll "crack"!!!

My relationship with my mother was never close. She would rarely show affection and I went to boarding-school when I was from 7 to 10 years old, which didn't help. I always felt that they preferred my younger brother. This was made worse by the fact that, some years ago, my parents retired to Australia to live near my brother, although they said they went there just for the weather and better health-care. They have never returned to the UK, even when I had my ds and dd, and even when I was very ill. I felt very hurt by this. We have to go and visit them, although they do contribute to the air-fares and accommodation.
We rarely speak on the phone, but my father and I write emails twice a week. We get on OK when we're out there, but it's a terrible wrench for me coming back and I miss having relatives here. I feel jealous at Sports Days, school plays etc when other people have family with them, as I've no parents-in-law, since they died some years ago.

I speak to my mum on the phone twice a week, more if something happens (like one of the kids doing something cute ) They're on holiday at the moment and its wierd that she's not there to speak to.
As we live quite a distandce apart, we don't see each other that regularly (we did more before dd went to school). Now they come and stay for a few days about 3 times a year and we go to them for a total of about 3 weeks a year (usually about 2 months between visits)
My sister lives only about 30 miles from them, so they get together more often but just for days, not extended visits.

I would say I'm very close to my mother although we fell out very badly after ds was born. We're back on good terms now (11 months later) but not quite as relaxed as it was previously. I used to speak to her every day or every couple of days, sometimes two or three times a day if I suddenly thought of something else to tell/ask her. We are similar in some ways, very different in others (I'm not as tough as her and she interprets this as weakness; she's impatient with anything she sees as soppy). We work in similar jobs so there's always work stuff to talk about as well as everything else under the sun! Now I call her a couple of times a week; she doesn't really call me very often but I think that's partly because she knows I'm busy with ds and call her when I get a moment and partly because she's still sulking a little. Boy, can that woman bear a grudge...
My dh on the other hand would very rarely call his mother by choice and only does so out of duty now she's on her own. He calls her about once a week but she's been known to text him four or five times a day and doesn't understand that he's at work and can't always get into a long text conversation. They are completely and utterly different, absolutely nothing in common. Dh was much more like his father although didn't call him that often either (bloke thing I think). MIL much closer to dh's sister who calls her at least twice a day, partly to check MIL is OK. I just hope when ds grows up we have a much better relationship than dh and MIL...
HTH