Why am I so anxious when all I've done is raise an issue?

[bananamilkshake1]

Hi - longtime lurker & not posted for a while but looking for a sense check on a current relationship issue.

First, my DP is a good man and has supported my through some very difficult times in my life. However, we have a communication issue in that neither of us will directly raise any issues with each other - so they simmer under the surface or get brushed under the carpet. We are both conflict adverse and I have spent my entire adult life trying to appease everyone around me - I'm a people pleaser to the extent my own wishes are often overlooked.

Anyway, we are having a very dry spell & the physical side of our relationship has all but vanished. It's the elephant in the room and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets. We now have pretty much no physical contact at all - not even a kiss :-(. We live seperately & when we spend time together, sleep in seperate bedrooms. This has always been the case re sleeping due to him being a v light sleeper & me a wriggler - but we always managed to have a good sex life.

I was ill last year, had major surgery & our sex life has never got back on track. I am desperate for a return to some kind of intimacy but neither of us discuss it & "it" or lack of, has become the norm.

Each weekend we are together, I want to raise it - don't get me wrong, we have nice times together but I've felt anxious about raising it as an issue for discussion because it's never a good time - it's the weekend, he's had a busy week at work and just wants to relax etc.

Last night I emailed him & raised the subject. I know not ideal, but we don't have long conversations on the phone, generally don't see each other during the week and I never just turn up at his house. I spent ages crafting an email which said how i was feeling, but in a non blame way, focusing on the good points of our relationship but saying we needed to talk at the weekend as I wasn't happy with a just friends arrangement & doubt he was either. As soon as I pressed send, I had a tight knot in my chest and (kind of) as expected he sent me a 2 line response saying he didn't need that at the start of a working week, sorry I was so dissatisfied and was very defensive.

I'm now at work, feeling sick and guilty I have even raised the subject when I know he probably feels I'm being ungrateful for all he does for me. The 2 issues are seperate though aren't they?

By the way, we've been together a number of years and are both 50's. It looks pathetic I know but other than raising the subject by email, AIBU?

Banana

Sorry missed "ex", he spoke so badly about her as a person. She's still the mother of his DCs.

Honestly? You don't live together, sleep together, have sex and can't have a conversation without who going full on Liberace!

Just sack him off.
There is no relationship here.
You deserve much much better.

I agree with pp, what on earth is the point? If it's that hard work just move on.

How did it go, OP?

Sorry for radio silence...

So update - we had the chat. I had worked myself up into quite a state before he arrived & wasn't sure what to expect when he walked through the door. He was surprisingly quiet and calm, sat down & I told him everything that had been festering - it all came out with loads of tears. My closing statement was that I couldn't have a relationship without some form of intimacy given it is so important to me.

He said that he had accepted the lack of intimacy as a by product of my surgery and the fact that our relationship had grown and deepened over time. He said there were lots of other positives and he thought we had a really strong reationship in other ways.. He did admit that the relationship was better with intimacy though..

I asked him why he had the extreme reaction to my email - he said first the email wasn't appropriate (fair enough). He said that he was completely blindsided & didn't have any idea I was unhappy. Even though in my mind it was obvious, he clearly wasn't seeing it.

So, we haven't split up - yet. We both agreed that it was worth trying to see if we could work on getting back some intimacy over the next month or so. We had a better weekend together & he did make an effort to engage with me.

I don't know how I feel about it all really; I was so worn out from it all at the end of last week. I do need to see a real change over the next few weeks though otherwise we will call it a day.

Feeling a bit flat today.

OP.
I haven't much advice other than please never never squash your feelings down again.

If you have an objection, a disagreement, something to say, please say it.
You've dealt with the knot in the chest, the panic and the worry - I know, it's awful. But you've done it once and you can do it again.

You might not have the outcome you want yet with your relationship but I bet you feel at least just a little bit prouder of yourself, stronger, more self-respecting.

That's how it should be.

I was in a relationship a bit like yours. Not the same in all ways, but I was definitely the appeaser, the giver-in, the put-my-self-second, without being asked to.

My ex actually ended the relationship and I was devastated at the time but now I have moved on it's a whole new world for me. I now say what I think. I don't try and work out how to be undemanding and how not to be difficult.

I still sometimes get the knot in my chest and a mild panic, but the difference now is that I'm now lucky to have a lovely DH who is a functioning adult and who expects me to have an opinion and to want my own way sometimes. He sometimes looks at me mystified when he can see I am struggling to assert myself but he helps me to do it as he is a kind and lovely man.

Make the change and if your partner doesn't help you with it, LTB and find someone you deserve who will.

Hi Trevor - yes I do feel proud of myself that I raised the issues and I will certainly bring things up at the time in future rather than let them fester.

DP said that it's partly because I'm so kind and patient and giving, that he feels this is a good relationship. Now I AM that person by nature & don't see a problem being like that. It will be interesting to see whether my change of approach (i.e. speak up when I'm upset) changes his perception of just how patient I am!

I definitely feel this is the start of me making a shift - in all areas of my life. I started squashing my own feelings and needs during my childhood (that's a seperate thread on its own). I think finally at the age of 50, I'm more inclined to think "sod this". If DP doesn't keep up his end of the deal, I can walk away knowing I'm being true to myself.

We (already) had a short holiday planned for next month & that for me is the review point. I know what I need to see.

The way you have become a pleaser, supremely accomplished in the art of squashing yourself appeasement seems to me to be at the heart of this thread. Your partner doesn't seem to be very pleasant though I agree he sounds very much like he's on the spectrum. This may not make him the most emotionally engaged soulmate you might hope for and need. However, if you intend to speak up more and review the relationship perhaps this is a good step forward. His perceptions are possibly pre-limited but it is to be hoped that your clear intelligence and honesty are not.

it's partly because I'm so kind and patient and giving, that he feels this is a good relationship. Now I AM that person by nature & don't see a problem being like that. It will be interesting to see whether my change of approach (i.e. speak up when I'm upset) changes his perception of just how patient I am!

Yes it will.

And remember, just because you are a lovely kind person who puts your DP first doesn't mean that he has to get his own way all the time.

He is perfectly capable of putting you and your feelings first sometimes (even though you'd never push for it) and it's on HIM if he doesn't. NOT on you. He can't blame his selfishness on your nice nature.

It gets easier .