Why am I so anxious when all I've done is raise an issue?

[bananamilkshake1]

Hi - longtime lurker & not posted for a while but looking for a sense check on a current relationship issue.

First, my DP is a good man and has supported my through some very difficult times in my life. However, we have a communication issue in that neither of us will directly raise any issues with each other - so they simmer under the surface or get brushed under the carpet. We are both conflict adverse and I have spent my entire adult life trying to appease everyone around me - I'm a people pleaser to the extent my own wishes are often overlooked.

Anyway, we are having a very dry spell & the physical side of our relationship has all but vanished. It's the elephant in the room and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets. We now have pretty much no physical contact at all - not even a kiss :-(. We live seperately & when we spend time together, sleep in seperate bedrooms. This has always been the case re sleeping due to him being a v light sleeper & me a wriggler - but we always managed to have a good sex life.

I was ill last year, had major surgery & our sex life has never got back on track. I am desperate for a return to some kind of intimacy but neither of us discuss it & "it" or lack of, has become the norm.

Each weekend we are together, I want to raise it - don't get me wrong, we have nice times together but I've felt anxious about raising it as an issue for discussion because it's never a good time - it's the weekend, he's had a busy week at work and just wants to relax etc.

Last night I emailed him & raised the subject. I know not ideal, but we don't have long conversations on the phone, generally don't see each other during the week and I never just turn up at his house. I spent ages crafting an email which said how i was feeling, but in a non blame way, focusing on the good points of our relationship but saying we needed to talk at the weekend as I wasn't happy with a just friends arrangement & doubt he was either. As soon as I pressed send, I had a tight knot in my chest and (kind of) as expected he sent me a 2 line response saying he didn't need that at the start of a working week, sorry I was so dissatisfied and was very defensive.

I'm now at work, feeling sick and guilty I have even raised the subject when I know he probably feels I'm being ungrateful for all he does for me. The 2 issues are seperate though aren't they?

By the way, we've been together a number of years and are both 50's. It looks pathetic I know but other than raising the subject by email, AIBU?

Banana

Hi all and thanks for all replies which have made me think about things from different perspectives.

No word from DP - and after the "betrayal" email of yesterday morning I suggested he might like to talk last night & left it open for him to respond. He didn't, so I did my own thing & had a perfectly pleasant evening.

You're right LilacPink, I am confused & after reading another thread on here about how someone felt she was trying to fit in with what her partner wanted, it struck a chord and has made me realise even more that I generally put my own feelings on the backburner in order to keep DP "happy".

I never thought I'd be almost 8 years into a relationship & not cohabiting, that there would be no firm plans for a future together & I would only be seeing my partner on weekends & during holidays. It's amazing what becomes the norm. I think DP is perfectly happy with the arrangement though & get no sense that he wants more than that. It's a bit sad thinking that I might actually spend my old age living alone though.. if i stay in this relationship. I guess I need to start thinking about what I want - but I'll admit the thought of not being with DP makes me feel anxious. I need to work out why.

I feel comforted that it's not just me though & that I'm not being unreasonable about wanting to discuss something which has been troubling me for some time. Previously, I would have felt worse & worse and ended up apologising for making him unhappy (so the matter gets left) but his feelings don't trump mine and I feel a big talk coming on - when he stops sulking...

I still think deep down DP's a good man - but you're right, he does have issues and I'm sure he's on the spectrum somewhere which is why I am super tolerant - usually.

Banana

Banana - just a quick word to say that I feel for you. I have been in a similar situation and I know how horrible that "walking on eggshells " feeling is.
Just remember - his needs and feelings do NOT count for more than yours. Keep that thought in your mind and good luck.

This resonates with me so much. I know and understand why you wrote the email. I have done the same. Primarily because I didn't feel listened to or acknowledged.
I figured that an email would help him digest what I was saying in his own time, and that he wouldn't be expected to respond immediately.

Truthfully, in my experience, without communication that is respectful and reciprocal, a relationship is dead.

I spent 15 years trying to be listened to, trying to understand and be understood. Not any bloody more. The pain of recurring patterns of arguing and being dismissed have diminished greatly.

You are being kept in line here - its not fair on you or at all respectful of your wishes, your needs, your feelings.

This making a big show of doing things for you, even when he's in a mood, reminds me of a relationship I was in where he was so over helpful it was embarrassing at times, doing things for me I didn't want him to do.

Looking back he was actually false and all the fussing around me was for show. I always felt indebted to him. It was as if he was trying to make himself indispensable? When I ended it, he said he felt used .

Are you sure its not a control thing?

It's natural to feel anxious about change, especially when you have been with someone for that length of time.

However you sound as though you are beginning to identify some issues with how things are, and despite him being supportive of you when you were ill and doing nice things when you see him there appears to be other things lacking.

Knowing you can't bring up issues like intimacy without him reacting this way, realising that for the most part you actually fit in with his needs both practically and emotionally, and feeling anxious about communication are all signs that actually this is a pretty unequal relationship.

Contrast how much you 'let go' of issues or adapt to what he wants with how he has reacted to the one time you have actually raised an issue you are unhappy with. You did your level best to raise it sensitively and thoughtfully. Look at his reaction. Would you have reacted the same if you had received that email? (even if perhpas the initial reaction was hurt or worry, would you really have continued to sulk and stonewall and guilt trip over two days?)

It's easy enough to make a nice dinner or enjoy a lovely day out once a week or in the holidays. It's easy to have a 'hassle-free' relationship which is mostly about doing things the person enjoys when you spend time together.

What is a better test of a relationship in my view is how people deal with 'full life' stuff with each other. Things beyond a 'date-based' relationship, which is mostly about seeing each other every now and then and having a nice time.

There is nothing wrong with this sort of relationship by the way. For some people it works really well to see their partner every now and then and to essentially just date and go on days out etc. However if you are looking for someone to share fuller aspects of your life with, like your emotional needs, working through problems, maybe cohabiting at some point? Then maybe this isn't the right relationship for you at this time?

This man isn't your partner. This part time relationship doesn't serve you. You need to let it go its that simple, avoid blame and accept its time for it to end, life is too short.

I'm sitting here eating my lunch and keeping focus on staying strong over this - when I still have that tight knot wondering what is going to happen next. Am I going to get home & find my belongings from his house on the doorstep? The fact that I think this might be a possibility is both anxiety inducing and completely unbelievable at the same time.

He actually said he was "devastated" in his response email a couple of days ago. How can he really feel devastated over something like this? This is what baffles me - this extreme and inappropriate emotional response. It's not like I've said I want to end our relationship or that I'm off to find intimacy elsewhere - I've said I'd love to find a way to a happier us.

The fact that he hasn't been in touch & is blanking me feels like punishment - probably because it is. I have no doubt that when we eventually talk - which I know will be me offering some kind of olive branch, he'll say he's had a dreadful week, he'll be in a depressive state I'm sure of it, drinking too much etc. This will all be my fault - I am vicariously liable for him feeling this way. If I hadn't raised the issue, then there wouldn't be a problem... My faulire to bend over backwards to apologies & make things right will be perceived as me not caring about him...

SockGoblin, actually when the relationship is in a happy place the living arrangement suits me fine. I have my own house, a good job, friends - so I have a life beyond him. I often wonder whether the reason I'm happy with this arrangement is because I'm adapted to what he wants & have made myself believe it's okay or whether it's because I couldn't imagine living with him full time...

I feel like I'm in some kind of parallel universe..

So......

Let it and him go.

The 'extreme and inappropriate' response is so that when he finally deigns to allow you back into his life, you don't raise the matter again.

I agree let him go. should have been happy that you raised the issue, but instead he's angry and devastated. You can do without walking on eggshells anymore. You shouldn't be scared of him like this.

If one person is more (or less) interested in sex than the other, and it continues over a longer time without being resolved then it really does lead to very serious problems in a relationship.

My sister and one of my close friends have been down that path, problem not addressed and ignored, impacts other aspects of their relationship, and ultimately they parted ways.

Hopefully he'll understand you and issue is resolved, if not then ...

It took my counsellor many weeks to make me see that my STBXH had been manipulating me. It was like unwinding a pile of knotted wool. I'd say very similar comments to yours about how he said I had been wrong and needed to change and I felt immense guilt. She'd point out the common sense perspective and it was like the knots unravelled.

If you're trying to do the right things for the right reasons but your partner constantly makes you feel wrong, it's your partner who's wrong.

Manipulation is like an invisible maze so you're used to being constrained and you're used to putting someone else's needs first. It's hard to leave!

The 'extreme and inappropriate' response is so that when he finally deigns to allow you back into his life, you don't raise the matter again.

Yes, and you'll be so glad things are back to normal that you'll feel they are wonderful by comparison even though nothing has in fact changed.

I went through this , that knot in your stomach is your gut instinct, go with it , sorry to say he will,only get worse , my Xh played the little boy hurt act .. Then when I didn't cave in started to be violent and abusive, it is definately a bad sign from my point of view, sorry if this does not come out right , take care and do not beat yourself up over the email, I did the same , they hate to here the truth

So update - still no word from DP & frankly I've had anough of this whole issue, so I got in touch this morning saying I was at my wits end & that we should talk this evening.

He replied saying he'd had a distressing week, not sleeping, affecting his work & that it was all about me & not him. Wow - all because I flagged a relationship issue & said we needed to work together to sort it out. I resisted the urge to get into this over email & the upshot he's coming round tonight after work. I can see him now, refusing a cup of tea, sitting on my sofa in his jacket & staring at the floor...

There's got to be something I'm missing or a massive backstory, I can't believe he's actually serious. Although the tight knot in my chest is now worse, I'm not going to cave and beg for forgiveness. I'm at feeling bloody angry myself now.

Sounds like he stonewalls things...

I think you are probably wasting your time, you seem prepared to compromise and work on things, he doesn't. Not to mention how he is determined to make it all about you have hurt him rather than discuss it all with you.

FGS, you have done absolutely nothing wrong OP, you sent an email as you find him impossible to talk to - not good and you should not feel bad for sending an email, it appears the only way to get through but even that was put down, all because you are trying to improve your relationship?

He sounds horrible and really not worth the anxiety or effort, I'd bin him off, seriously OP, he sounds horrible and controlling.

Yes - everything has to be about him. Know the type well!
You seem to be dealing with the situation well OP; stand your ground and don't let him emotionally manipulate you. I think that you may be getting to the end of this relationship here, but whatever happens good luck.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry for you being in this kind of situation.

Here is my version:

Me: I would like to settle down with you.
Him: Oh really?! At least keep quiet about it.

It was at the beginning. By the end I couldn't even offer him a date as it was only on his terms. If not as he said he can't be bothered even to have a chat.
My last try to get closer to him after he hurt me enough was to date him and bring the lightness we had at the start. He even shut me down with that.
Remove yourself and get your confidence back...
He is a manipulating man... Life is too short!
It says how insecure he is...
You don't need a man who doesn't allow you to talk or open your mouth.

I'm sorry... 💐

Thanks again for the insightful responses. I've found it vey helpful to re-read this thread in order to stay focussed & make sure I get my key points across later.

Whilst I will be genuinely sad if this is the end of the relationship, the thought of spending the rest of my days silenced, subservient and eternally grateful is far worse.

Yes and no sex either.

Christ, how can you be bothered with him ?

Surely you can find something better to do with your time than try and make this truculent adolescent talk reasonably to you

Yep, he is the older, more set in his ways, extreme version of my ex. He'd also do the staring at the floor trick.

Echoing AF, can you be bothered OP? He just sounds so draining and childish.

What do you get out of this relationship? Really, though?

I really feel for you OP. He sounds extremely manipulative to me, hence the disloyalty/betrayal bullshit. You raise an issue in your relationship that is deeply upsetting to you, and that's somehow interpreted as some form of treachery?? No, he just needs you back in your box. Over the last eight years he's taught you to put up with the status quo, and shut up.

My ex husband had a slightly different technique. Whenever I said anything at all that he didn't like to hear, he would instantly fly into a rage, accuse me of deliberately choosing my timing for the maximum possible effect and insist on deferring the discussion until he was calm. And repeat.

silenced, subservient and eternally grateful

You are well aware of what was sadly expected of you and that will help you to move forward. He'll work his charms with some other unsuspecting woman in the future, but you'll know the 'red flags' to avoid similar situations.

I was attracted to someone at work after my break-up but he spoke unecessarily in a very belittling way about his and showed controlling needs. I backed away, he found another woman to go out with. She doesn't look as happy since they've been going out. Near miss avoided!