An argument on finances can't agree help!!

[Babyblueeyes92]

Hi guys, please bear with.. I appreciate all opinions and really need some input help.
My DF moved in a good few of months ago. I'm pregnant with his child and have three children from a previous relationship.

My ex is a useless shit who doesn't provide a dime for his children. He is on benefits so I can't claim CSA. He does see them once a fortnight. He will have a few extra days in the holidays too. He has always been an arsehole so I can't force him to do something he won't. He sees his children because that is their choice and I know access and money are two separate issues and I don't argue that. He can see them when he wants.. He chooses minimum.

My current partner hates the situation and says I should force him to pay. If anyone could tell me how I would appreciate it. Apart from the my children see my partner as a second dad and he sees and treats them as his own. From disaplining to buying clothes for them. The only problem their is he do does moan that its us doing all the providing while their father doesn't. I get his reasoning but this is a daily argument and he doesn't understand he will never change.

Now we both work.
Me part time my partner full time.
I used to work full time and then childcare became and issue and I had to drop my hours.
Unfortunately now I'm pregnant and have become very ill with a heart condition. It's quite serious and I've had to give up work. Atm I'm on sick leave and then I'll go onto maternity but the doctors tell me I'm probably not going to be able to return.

So that means my wage will have gone completely and only my partner will be able to work.

This far finances have gone like this.
I pay all the bills, rent and food out of my wage a family tax credits.
He pays sky and all the fun bits.

Unfortunately because I can't work anymore the only income I will have is family tax credits and I can't afford to pay all the bills and food out of that.

My partner has said he won't be having a joint bank account and he shouldn't have to pay the bills is their father doesn't. If anything his contribution should be 1/5 of the household because as it stands that is all he is using.
He says ill have to use family tax credits because that's what it's for (I agree) because he isn't working to provide for the family on his own.
Now I understand how he feels.. but I can't have him living here and me struggling to make ends meet if he is willing to put his pride down.
If he wasn't living here I would have to claim a sickness income because of my illness.
I would have help until I'm able to work again and I wouldn't need to struggle. Is everyone following lol?
If I had a choice I would be working full time I've worked all my life and I live that sense of freedom it gives me. But I can’t support four children and a partner on no income.
Now he has said once his child is here he will contribute more. But whats that 2/6 of the family?

I rent a council house so rent isn't expensive.. buy all the other stuff on tope is.
I have explained to him that if he moves out he will have to rent his own 2 bedroom place for him and his unborn child as well as I have to and that will be at least 500 out of his wage gone already.
So he does have it to easy here..
He did agree he said yes I know I will... He then went on saying but I've bought the washer and cooker and things for the baby etc. (I too have bought household items, wardrobes etc and things for the baby) He said he has invested in the house so why should he be the one to move out.

I said we'll because I'm paying for the actual house and the four children that live in it. He doesn't quite understand what my point is. Yet I completely get his.
His answer to that was pay me back for everything I have bought and I will leave, I can't start again with no help.
He is being totally unreasonable and we are supposed to be getting married and having a baby!
Please someone do you have any experience or input? I'm at a loss!!

I don't give him tax credits I pay food out of it. The same as I would if he wasn't living here to feed the children. I support my children solely. And thus far have worked to support them and myself. Women don't always know what they are getting into and don't always see the signs. Especially if they hide this side well.
Help with the move, decorating, buy a washer and cooker ect.. Start of by saying. We'll do this and that and then it just never happens.
After their feet are under the table and are quite comfortable. It's not black and white and it's not easy. But blaming me for the way he is behaving is quite shitty.

It's your council house.

He has no right to be there.

Change the locks while he is out.

His homelessness is his problem.

You hsve no respinsibility to house him.

His attitude is disgusting. He has joined your family but is not willing to provide for them. Well what's he going to do? See them starve and have holes in their shoes while you are on maternity leave and seriously ill.

I would reimburse him for the household items and tell him to sling his hook.

I think you are getting a hard time but I also think you should have sorted finances before he moved in.
With a new baby in the mix the situation is even worse.

What do your children think of his moaning about their father and resenting putting his hand in his pocket?

If the tennancy is in your name he has no choice but to move out. Let him take the items he paid for with him. If it's joint, then there's an issue but it doesn't sound like it is.

Of course he should contribute, he did in a way as bought household items, Sky and all the fun items. Likely less than the rent and food but only you and he know what percentage you each paid from your salaries (not benefits). Most sponging males don't pay for anything expect gifts to keep the women sweet. Did you even talk finances through properly before moving in together? How did it even get to this stage? Who even talks marriage with somebody who quite clearly didn't want step children.

Should he be the sole earner? Only if he wants to. No adult should ever be forced into that unless it's what they want, male or female.

You both sound like a financial lesson would be beneficial, he seems to think life costs little and you (prior to illness) worked part time and claimed the rest from benefits. Neither of you have chosen the route of paying for yourself and your choices in full.

It's too late to be having these discussions now. Your partner should be paying 50% of the rent and bills. He is an adult (supposedly).

I don't see any way forward I'm afraid. You need to protect yourself and your children and the best way to do that as far as I can see, is to move him out. You will be better off and have less stress and no cocklodger.

His attitude is appalling. When a man gets together with a woman with children he has to be prepared to take on the financial responsibility - that's what the state determines to be fair, which is why tax credits etc is based on household income My DH is not my son's father, and he has never begrudged providing for us all as a family despite the fact we get nothing in maintenance and all our tax credits were stopped due to his high salary. We have a joint bank account and share all income. If this man really cared about you and your children, he would not be able to sit back and watch you go without while he has the means to support you.

If you've been working though you may be able to claim ESA for your ill health. If you have care needs you can also get PIP on top. I get both of these and DH's income isn't taken into account.

get rid of him. He should want to support you now you are ill. He has joined a family but he is acting like a lodger. If it is your name on tenancy put his stuff in bags and get rid.

Actually dragon up untill a few months ago I worked full time. Four 12 hour shifts a week as a nurse. So no I didn't claim the rest in benefits if that is what you are hinting.

I think you are trying to mistake me as a benefit sponger and that makes me quite upset yes.

I made the decision to leave an abusive man who once called me a slag when I refused sex with him because I was unwell. Who refused to work but also refused to lool after the family home. Who took all my money.

My current partner said I will by the washer cooker paint ect.. You pay the bills for a few months and that will make that even and then we will split things. He's now decided against that. This is how we got so far.. So actually technically all those things are also half mine. But tbh o couldn't care less if it saves arguments he can take them.

Should he be the sole earner.. Yes he should if I can't work and he want to marry me and live with me and love and displine the children as his own.

You seem like you are sticking up for a man that technically is in the wrong and has no leg to stand on.

To the other posters you are absolutely right i think I've just realised. I can financially support my children and home myself just like I am now and I've found my savv lol. If I wanted to house another person and support them I could put an ad in the paper for that. Thank you.. I can't believe I've been so stupid again

What's the betting he struggles to find the child maintenance for the newborn or forgets To pay on time and he turns into the deadbeat dad he is so critical of. You know he's tight. He's not going to suddenly turn generous is he?

Probably not but at least I will be providing.

To the other posters you are absolutely right i think I've just realised. I can financially support my children and home myself just like I am now and I've found my savv lol.

Yay!

If I wanted to house another person and support them I could put an ad in the paper for that.*

Ha. Can you imagine all the replies?

*Thank you.. I can't believe I've been so stupid again

You haven't been stupid. You've been trusting and human. It's just life. FGS don't relent and marry him, though.

Hurrah! Well done OP!
And no, you haven't been stupid. You've trusted him and have fought for a fair and equal relationship and partnership. It is very clear that he is incapable and/or unwilling to do the same.

You should have sorted bills/food contribution within first week of him moving in,if those practical arrangements weren't discussed between you two prior him moving in.
I bet he's the one installed sky and pays for it only because you didn't have it yourself.
Throw him out,you don't want to be in situation with no money after your maternity pay runs out and unable to have enough food for your 4 kids.
Also you don't need hesterectomy,just need tubes tightened.

Please also contact Womens Aid if they haven't been supporting you so far.
If you were in a previously abusive relationship and now find yourself in another then you need their help.
You can do their Freedom Programme.
This will help you spot abusive, cocklodging, twats and avoid them in the future. Put boundaries in place and make you feel better about yourself.
Give them a call and see what they can do to help (0808 2000 247)
They will also be able to tell you how to get rid of the current dickhead.
Although, it is a case of packing his bags and putting them outside then locking him out. It really is that simple.
So take control back and do NOT get involved with any other men until you have completed the Freedom Programme!

You are human so stop beating yourself up about being stupid etc....
Time for YOU now.

Found this on the CAB website. If the house is in your name, you can give him reasonable notice (I'd do this in person, by email and text so you have a record).

If you fear he might turn nasty, get a relative to be with you when you tell him.

It seems to me that as he's behaved unreasonably, you can't afford to have him around, and have a heart condition that might be made worse with stress, you could make the notice period very short.

OP, you posted about this man very recently I think and got the same advice?

I want to give you some important advice re your job. Assuming you work for the nhs ( and even if you don't) you MUST speak to your union rep if you belong to one. I was in a similar situation of long term sickness and unable to return and was told ON NO ACCOUNT SHOULD YOU RESIGN. Use your maternity leave, then go onto further sick leave and eventually they will terminate your contract and pay you three months' salary in lieu of notice.

If you are still unable to work you will be able to claim contributions based ESA and possibly PIP. If you are part of the pension scheme you can also, at that point claim Ill Health Retirement. It all takes ages but does work.

You need very specific a good advice re all of this. Keep absolutely all letters, documents etc from all health professionals and employment as you will need lots of supporting evidence.

And ditch the man, he's not good for you. He's causing you all kinds of stress.

End the relationship and move on.

Don't let him take the cooker etc you need it far more than he does and I was in lieu of rent (at best).

It's YOUR council house, he has NO right to be there. Call a locksmith, pack his crap, put his bags outside and tell him you'll let him know when you've had the baby

You and your kids deserve so much more than this.

I think the two of you are never going to see eye to eye & something needs to give.
He sounds spineless & should do the decent thing & walk.

Dump his arse and kick him out..... Seriously I'm talking from experience!

I to was a single mum of 3 living in a council house, my exh doesn't pay maintenance because he works cash in hand and isn't recorded as earning anything

I had s boyfriend who thankfully didn't actually live with me but spent every weekend here and I to ended up pregnant he couldn't get his head around being a family with everyone and always was telling me to make the kids dad pay..... How the fuck was I meant to do that when CSA couldn't?

The boyfriend contributed nothing but expected to sit her all weekend and be fed watered and provided with gas/ elec etc

I booted him out when as we would never be a family and I wasn't having that for my older kids, he now gives me £20 per week towards he baby dd always late

He sounds spineless & should do the decent thing & walk.
Whats the point saying it when its clear he is not decent and will not do a decent thing.
Naze are you just bored and posting for the sake of posting?

It sounds like he has moved from the comfort of his parents home and doesn't understand about the real cost of living.

In normal circumstances he should be paying half the cost of bills/rent plus 1/4 the cost of food (kids don't eat adult portions).

Refuse to give him the cost of the washing machine and cooker back. If it adds up to 1k, use that sum to work out how much hes actually contributed towards the bills/rent. He can't have a free ride. Hes a grown up, not a 5th child.

Hes very tight now. He will continue to be tight.

Yes,dont let him take appliances or don't pay back any money.
He has not paid towards half of the bills (he should pay half as its only 2 adults in the house) or nothing towards food costs .Tax credits have nothing to do with him because they are not even for his children,who he refuses to support.
Your new baby(his) will need washing machine same as rest of you. Any decent men if leaves,leaves everything material in the hose behind (apart clothes and memorabilia )because his child will be there.
Can you contact his family and see if they can get on your side and influence him to behave more appropriately?

He is a complete git. Get rid. He is living a great life, while you pay rent, food, gas, electric etc. all of which he is using. He is totally tight and not going to improve any time soon.