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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not a LTB, but am I being unreasonable

32 replies

AlbusPercival · 25/07/2016 10:44

It feels like DH and I have very different expectations and it is starting to make me pretty cross.

We are expecting DS1 in October. A few examples to see if I am being nuts.

He is very excited about baby. He bought a doppler, without consulting me, as apparently it is a present for me. If he had asked I would have said no, as I don't want one. However he timed buying me said present so he could take it with us to his parents for the weekend. As it happens it arrived late, so he couldnt take it. But I really would not have wanted to sit there with my tummy out for his family to sit around and listen to the baby. To avoid a drip feed, we have had 2 miscarriages, so are both very anxious about baby. I am also having a lot of anxiety at MW appointments etc, so do not welcome the reminder, but DH has not been able to come to any appointments apart from 12 and 20 week scans due to work.

My family have come to decorate the nursery for us. DH wont let me help as he is worried there might be a risk to baby from paint exposure etc. However DH is so ungrateful to my parents for their help, they have given up annual leave from work to do it for us, and driven 2 hours each way to do it. DH left lots of his things in the room, for them to work around. It just doesn't sit right with me, and I have ended up defending DH to DParents, and DParents to DH.

I think he is suffering with a lot of anxiety at the moment, but won't go and see his therapist, who I don't think a lot of anyway, even though he has sessions already paid for.

Baby is here soon and I just want him to step up a bit and try and see things from my perspective. Am i expecting too much?

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 25/07/2016 10:57

Ok firstly the Doppler. They are hugely popular. Not for everyone sure, but for a lot of people they actually assuage anxiety during that difficult time before you feel any movements. Not an unreasonable present in my view. I am presuming that happened a while ago as you are about 7 months now.

The appointments: father's rarely if ever come to any appointment outside the 12 + 20 week ones. Those are the big ones. Again, pretty reasonable unless you are currently experiencing a very high risk pregnancy.

The nursery will be likely empty till next summer as guidelines recommend the baby stays with you for 6 months. There is plenty of time to fix it up.

I am not sure how he's supposed to "step up"? It's not clear from your post tbh.

Maybebabybee · 25/07/2016 10:59

It's not clear from your post what your different expectations are?

Maybebabybee · 25/07/2016 11:00

PS my DS is 4 months old and we still haven't done the nursery!

BusyHomemaker · 25/07/2016 11:02

It sounds to me like you are both dealing with anxiety, which is understandable. Perhaps a good heart to heart will clear the air?

PeterRabbitt · 25/07/2016 11:02

I get the Doppler thing. For private use maybe if you wanted to but there is no way I'd want other family members expecting a show!

Original poster

AlbusPercival · 25/07/2016 11:03

No, doppler was this weekend. Yes we can feel movements.

Im not upset at him not coming to appointments. My issue is that he is buying me a present, which is actually for him and his family to hear the heartbeat. Its not actually for me at all.

Also, and he knows this, twice earlier in the PG MW couldnt find hb with doppler and I got sent to hospital for scans, so I in no way find them reassuring.

It is DH insisting nursery is done now as he doesn't want paint fumes around baby, so wants it all done now. Just to be clear, when I say DP are helping, i mean they are doing it. DH and I are at work.

OP posts:

Monochromecat · 25/07/2016 11:07

He sounds excited and involved to me. He wanted to share his excitement with his parents.... And maybe he wanted to do the nursery himself for his son/daughter... What's your problem? What exactly do you want from him????

Maybebabybee · 25/07/2016 11:08

Ok so you are annoyed about the Doppler and the fact he isn't grateful for you parents' help?

Both totally valid. Have you told him how you feel about the Doppler?

Re the decorating, could he not do it himself and/or help them at weekends?

RiverTam · 25/07/2016 11:09

Don't forget, your DH has suffered two losses as well, he is doubtless just as anxious as you are. You need to sit down and talk about this.

Maybebabybee · 25/07/2016 11:09

mono why should he expect the op to sit around with a Doppler over her tummy trying to find the heartbeat.

What if they couldn't find it?

smilingeyes79 · 25/07/2016 11:11

Tbh I think dopler was prob very well meaning but he like I was at the start of my sisters pregnancy unaware how difficult it can be to hear a hb and this then raises anxiety.

DoubleCarrick · 25/07/2016 11:15

I would insist nursery was done early - in fact, we painted it pretty early. MW advised me to do it as far in advance as we can due to paint fumes. She also warned me not to inhale too much. Maybe he's been doing some reading up on the internet and come to that conclusion. DH has been overprotective of me too due to previous mc

Original poster

AlbusPercival · 25/07/2016 11:15

He doesn't want to do the nursery himself, sees it as a chore, but wont make life easier for them, by tidying his stuff out the way, because he was tired.

OP posts:

Isetan · 25/07/2016 11:20

At best he's anxious and it's contributing to him being a selfish git. However, it doesn't excuse the impact his behaviour is having on you. What was his communication skills like before your current pregnancy? I would firmly suggest that visiting his therapist should be a priority and not an option. Now is the time to start dealing with this before he continues treating your feelings as secondary to his, better get those good communication skills established before exhaustion and sleep deprivation kicks in.

Isetan · 25/07/2016 11:23

The more you post, the more I'm leaning towards him being a selfish git. These can't be the first instances of his twattery?

RiverTam · 25/07/2016 11:44

Is this what he's usually like?

Original poster

AlbusPercival · 25/07/2016 12:35

I dont know tbh. He is not in any way malicious, just a bit thoughtless if that makes sense?

Generally he has a kind nature that other people take advantage of.

OP posts:

RiverTam · 25/07/2016 12:50

Well, giving the benefit of the doubt, I would say that he's struggling in his own way. I had 5 MCs before having DD and of course it affected him, he didn't want to buy anything before she was born!

You need to sit down and talk to each other, maybe even involve a third party.

Oh, and congrats on your pregnancy .

SandyY2K · 25/07/2016 13:00

I'd tell him to return the doppler if I didn't want it. Present or not.

With regards to the nursery. I'd ask him to remove stuff from the nursery as your parents are coming to decorate it.

That shouldn't be a problem for him surely?

I'd point out that your parents are being very generous with their time and the least he can do is remove his stuff.

TBH, I find men can be foolishly ungrateful when their MIL and FIL do things for the family, but the minute their own parents do one little thing, they want to shout it from the roof tops.

My friends parents had her 2 toddlers staying with them in another city for 3 weeks when they were having an extension done. No gratitude from her DH, but the minute his mum babysat for an evening, he was acting like she's fantastic.

Original poster

AlbusPercival · 26/07/2016 16:17

Argh, latest drama today.

He wants to go to NCT classes as we will apparently meet a better class of parent there

i picked one a few weeks ago, and he was meant to book it. He finally got round to it today and it is fully booked. The only one left runs on the Saturday either side of my birthday, and my actual birthday.

i don't want to go to bloody nct classes on my birthday

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 26/07/2016 16:49

Well the NCT "drama" - it is only a drama if you allow it to be! So you don't want to go on your birthday - perfectly reasonable. As for "meeting a better class of parent" - words fail me.

No-one needs an NCT class. You've left it too late to book a convenient one - so don't go. Simple as. Do something nice on your birthday and don't give it a thought.

Ebony69 · 26/07/2016 17:47

The NCT issue is 'drama'? I'm sorry but I think you're making a big deal over very little. As has already been pointed out, you're both understandably anxious. You're just dealing with it in different ways. Try not to let it blow out of proportion.

Haggisfish · 26/07/2016 17:53

I think you're being unreasonable. Nct classes are actually quite a good laugh and they were very useful for us. And we are still good friends with three couples we met there, too. Your birthday happens every year. Wouldn't like the Doppler as it often gives false results-just ask him to return it.

Original poster

AlbusPercival · 26/07/2016 18:04

DH makes a whole performance of his birthday, every year, and this is the last one I will have without a little one.

The point is, if he had done what he said he was going to, there would be no issue. But he didn't, so I have to cancel my birthday.

Just like I had to deal with my parents after room was left a mess.

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 26/07/2016 18:13

Why do you have to cancel your birthday? Can't you go to a class and celebrate, surely it's not an either/ or?
But I do agree that he sounds like he needs to step up. You don't want to be sorting out his fails on a long term basis. And he is too tired to clear a room after work? That is pretty pathetic, unless he had no warning, and even then....

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