I don't really know where to start with this as there is a lot of background but I shall give it a go.
I am at a point in my adult life whereby I have finally snapped and realised that I need to establish some strong boundaries for my parents (and possibly whole family) otherwise my emotional well being will suffer. They have always been generous, loving parents who would drop everything to help me if needed. I have always had the unsettling feeling that they live their lives through their offspring (now all in our 30s) and I don't see how this is a healthy dynamic for anyone involved. Despite being the oldest, my parents have always been more relaxed with their rules for my brother and sister. I still feel that I am expected to tow the line. I always consider their feelings in everything I do, which is crazy! I am my own person but I can't seem to gain the independence that I crave.
There is a lot of background to this but briefly, I left my exH over four years ago due to EA, I was at a real low point emotionally and suffered terrible anxiety. I worked hard to rebuild my life and my confidence and following a 2yr course of citalopram (which I've been off for 18m) and two courses of counselling, I better understand myself and have been feeling stronger than ever for well over a year. I'm in a great relationship and have a job which I enjoy. DD is happy and I am so proud of her. On the outside it looks like I have a fabulous relationship with my family but it is just stifling. People always comment on how close we are but the truth is we a much to close. We have a facebook messaging group ffs! I never meant to settle in my home town but we are here and so the only way to create some distance with my family is to set some firm boundaries. I know what needs to be done but I feel so guilty about hurting my parents feelings. I feel like a pathetic child right now!
During my counselling I confided that I found my parents to be controlling and stifling and my counselor told me these are really strong words. I was so confused that I had ended up with an EA man but delving a little deeper I realised that DF (who can be incredibly engaging and lovely most of the time) has at times displayed these characteristics to my DM. At that time he was making her miserable but they've since worked it out. He can be controlling and this past year I have realised that he tries to manipulate me on all of my decisions.... everything from how to maintain my garden to my fertility! And I know he is aware he is doing it, I just don't think that he's realised that I am now aware of it too. My mother is excellent at laying on the guilt to the point where she practically pleads with me to do things her way. They are not constantly like this, they also dish out the praise... a little OTT sometimes. This is lacking a lot of detail but I just want to give an overview without losing anyone!
I am aware of my own faults in all of this. They are very involved with DD and she adores them. I do speak with them too often, mainly updates on DD, and I realise I depend on them emotionally. The thing is I often come away from our conversation feeling guilty or stressed. A bit like a child who hasn't had the opportunity to explain themselves properly! I am a classic people pleaser but it's gone too far for too long.
My sister can be a real b@tch. She has done some really rotten things to me in the past, like sabotage important life events, humiliated me in front of my friends and lectured me on my life choices.... "you are still in rented accommodation because of your poor life choices not because you were in an EA marriage and had to start again" was a classic! My friends and DP don't like her and don't understand why I keep in touch. I do it because my parents have literally pleaded with me "it's so important that sisters are friends, please get on with her it's so important for you and for us that you get along. If you don't get on it will break our hearts. We've invested too much.... I've been losing sleep over this." My counselor explained we are opposite people and I relayed this to my mother but to no avail. She seems to be in cahoots with them at the mo, which is not the status quo as she has really hurt them in the past. It's her talent!
My brother has just returned from a year away... literally turned up with his wife on parents doorstep one afternoon while everyone thought they were still on the other side of the planet!? I've spoken with him a couple of times since, in attempt to arrange to meet up and I was told "I'm busy for the next week pretend I'm not here!" It was a bit abrupt but I respected his wishes. The next night my sister and her family were round my parents with my brother and his wife for a BBQ that my family wasn't invited to. Without going into details (this is already an essay) it was clearly orchestrated by my sister to leave me out. I'm used to her doing this but I've always been close to my brother so this one hurt. God this seems so petty!
I expressed my feelings that my family should have been invited us and clearly that was a mistake because I've gone against the tribe! DB and DS haven't spoken with me and I received an incredibly patronising and manipulative email from parents demanding an apology. So far this seems incredibly petty but I'll now get to the point...
I am involved in a very serious court case at the moment. It's been going on for a year. I stopped contact between DD and ex-H as her behaviour became increasingly challenging and she seemed drained and emotionally exhausted for days following contact. Aware of exH's EA and MH issues I don't take chances. At this time his then Girlf contacted me (we had met once) for help as he was abusing her and she was scared. She needed advice. She contacted the police. It was very serious harassment and manipulation. I took DD to GP to see nurse for check over due to concerns over EA and she had an infection down below. Nurse told me she had been sexually abused. This is a parents worst nightmare. We were referred to SS and DP (my rock) and I stayed strong and did what we had to do. Of course I updated my parents and eventually sis and bro. Parents have been supportive but it's been hard on them. ExH took me to court over contact, we've been battling it out since last summer. I was advised to drop allegations of sexual harm due to lack of evidence (non of the professionals were willing to provide statements), which I did but I haven't dropped allegations of EA. They now have contact supported by family. It's a very complex case and been incredibly testing but I have managed to stay strong (I've had my wobbles) and maintain stability for DD. Throughout the process I have continued to feel undermined by my parents need to take over to the point where they are adding stress. We have the penultimate hearing this week, the other side are asking for unsupervised overnights. I told my parents I am contesting the cafcass report, applying for a full psychological analysis and hiring a barrister for the final hearing. They know money is tight due to legal fees. The email they sent told me they expected an apology for the other day, that I shouldn't take my stress out on those who love me unconditionally and they are going to provide "a little bit of money to secure the best future for DD. We will cover the cost of everything." That's thousands of pounds, not a little bit of money. I was fuming! I didn't ask for money and they know it's my archilies heal.
They sent me another message the following day asking if DD and I wanted to stay over. I replied that I needed some space. They then sent further messages at 1am (they stay up drinking most nights and get themselves worked up about all sorts of issues) demanding information that they could have googled themselves. They then told me they are going to pay for Barrister. "You don't have that kind of money." I thanked them for their offer but told them I couldn't accept. They told me they wanted to help. I told them "Don't worry, I am handling it". "Don't push us away!" It's just too much. Why can't they just give me some space.
This probably doesn't make them seem as bad as I feel that they are. They are stifling me at a point in my life where I very much need to act like a grown up. How do I get them to understand this? I'm at breaking point with our relationship but don't want to hurt them.