Anyone else with a Dp who just can't laugh at themselves?

[Only1scoop]

I'm completely sick of this horrible trait my Dp has. He just can't laugh at himself and it's making life miserable and waring.

I know these examples sound odd but I wanted to set the scene....

Years ago in a supermarket he picks up 2 deodorants....the lady at till lightheartedly says 'these are on 3 for 2, these men eh they never read the signs properly, go and get another I'll put it through and winks at him.

Dp 'no it's ok I only need 2'

'Are you sure you may as well have the free one'

'No it's fine'

'Oh ok'....

I personally in what situation would have just chuckled and graciously thanked the assistant.

He cut someone up the other day in car, they honked the horn, I put my hand up to apologise he just came out with a few muttering re their awful driving. Their driving was fine.

Today a lovely day ruined, I finally put up a little tent which dd has being desperate to camp out in, I suggested we did that tonight. He goes to blow up the double air bed which does just about fit in. However he went to blow it up on the lawn metres away from the tent....

I say
'I wouldn't do that you narna you won't get it through the tiny tent opening'

Mutters and miserably starts moving it.

I'd have just laughed 'what am I like' style.

He is so stubborn and seems to lack the ability to ever admit he's wrong, apologise or laugh at himself. It's making for a miserable existence.

Does anyone live with someone like this?

In other ways he's kind, generous, and nice. However, I really hate this.

Thanks for reading.

Feel slightly better now I've had a moan.

I wasn't expecting 'everyone to support' me on this thread. I've had comments from all angles and previously said I'm interested in reading the other side etc.

Didn't realise I was being 'a dick'

That's really unkind

I'm slightly sarcastic

A horrible trait of mine

Nobody's perfect

Small, thanks

I think I need to just appreciate that he for whatever reason isn't going to see the funny side of these certain daft things like I do....

I find in this relationship I have to be the thinker, sorter, the one who takes initiative and I think it wears me down slightly....

We are completely different people, and I think I do need to handle things a little differently sometimes.

If he was the one ripping the piss out of you and dressing it up as you not having a sense of humour, posters would be calling him a dick.

There are many posts on here where one partner rips the piss out of the other, knowing they don't like it. If you know he doesn't find it funny, then don't take the piss - unless you are doing it deliberately, which WOULD make you a dick.

I indulge in the MN sin of 'banter' but I would be mortified if I offended the recipient.

I find in this relationship I have to be the thinker, sorter, the one who takes initiative and I think it wears me down slightly....

Ah drip-feeding... So you ARE doing it to have a pop at him?

Only,

Its a hard balance to strike but worth it. I don't think you're being a dick, sense of humour is such a changeable thing between people. DH really had no idea how much it was upsetting me and we've both made an effort to change how we view things. It was over ten years ago now though!

Jeez, leave the woman alone. I don't think you'll get anything much constructive from this thread OP. Though the examples you gave weren't great, but I think its an interesting question and I am not sure why people are being so unpleasant. I had a thought but I'm not getting into a shouty thread.

My DH also takes things far too seriously - I worry that any major catastrophe would send him into a deep spiral if he can't laugh at a tent mistake or him doing something silly - total lack of a sense of humour

Small

That's good to know. I think balance is a thing we both need to strike and be comfortable with.

What happens if you have to discuss relationship issues? Or something that upsets you?

User

I know my examples were a bad choice.

Relationships is a great board....I just had to check this morning I hadn't posted in AIBU by mistake as I'm never brave enough for that

And, conversely, what happens if he tells you something like: I don't appreciate when you call me narna (or whatever)?
Do you tell him to lighten up or do you make an effort to talk to him without calling him names?

BTW, I hadn't properly noticed the "narna" on the tent comment, when I first commented, as I was on the phone and may need glasses.

It changes things.
It's really not a good thing to add such words when commenting on someone else. OK to ourselves, or if they do it to themselves often enough.
However, I call myself stupid often, but wouldn't put up with being called it by anyone else.

I'd really take note and stop doing it.

Lweji

We have had counselling in the past for all kinds of issues but we are still here. It's not great but certainly not awful.

Don't wish to drip feed though. It's something which annoyed me yesterday. Feel as if happy times become hard work. He lacks patience with our dd and routine stuff can become tedious.

I'm a bit if a joker, he probably finds me annoying I guess.

Lots of useful bits on here to read though.

I realise that it's about much more, but even being a joker, I'd cut down on jokey monikers in the middle of sentences. They are not necessary and can definitely grate.
In that sentence, you didn't really allow him to laugh at himself, because you were already laughing at him.
I'd really worry if he had turned it back on you, blamed you, was aggressive, or tried to justify doing it how he was doing it.

For reference, what I meant in relation to exH was something like this: he had finished a DIY job and asked me to see it; I said it was good but for a tiny little thing (smiling) - almost a made up flaw - and he went crazy and almost took the whole thing apart. (note that we did lots of DIY jobs together and I was doing something else at the time). I'd have coped with grumpy or a complaint that I couldn't just appreciate his work, to which I'd apologise.

Thanks Lweji

No he certainly didn't get angry and aggressive just a bit sulky for a while.

Agree re the 'jokey monikers'

He does lack a bit of common sense sometimes, and he obviously hates anything being pointed out.

I'll certainly pick my words more wisely.

Lweji. Good example about the diy, XH would turn it around into having a go at me, my DH now would tell me to lick his big hairy balls!

I could never go back to a man like XH. I'm a gobshite and it never ended well. He stood on my foot once. No apologies. My foot shouldn't have been there

Affectionate teasing and joking is only affectionate and jokey if both people find it funny, though.

You finding something funny doesn't mean other people will find it funny. Your DP doesn't like being laughed at or teased like that, so don't do it.

Though it sounds like this is symptomatic of bigger problems.

Lived here 11 years and still had to go ask my English DH what on earth is "you narna"

I will walk on egg shells if it happens again then and gently tell him to place said air bed in tent prior to inflation and be very careful not to try and make light of situation.

To be fair, this is a dickish comment. Quite stroppy. People not agreeing so you go completely the other way.

That's not to say you are a dick. Just that the 'banter' and defensiveness are a bit dickish. But Aren't we all a bit dickish at times?

Why not just let him discover his mistake on his own? Or just say 'it might not fit through the door when it's up'.

You don't have to walk on egg shells.

If you keep mocking him when he tries to do stuff, you can hardly start wringing your hands about this: "I find in this relationship I have to be the thinker, sorter, the one who takes initiative"

Yes, why comment on the airbed at all? Could he not work it out himself eventually? Do you always have to rescue people from their mistakes? That could be really very annoying.

That said, I have noticed that bullies can rarely take a joke at their expense. Only you know if he is actually a git or not.

runrabbit I assume she told him to save time? If I saw my partner do it I would intervene as what's the point in letting them do the job only to find out the mistake?!

ffs hardly mocking!

Some people grow up in families where teasing becomes mocking, and criticism isn't used to teach resilience, it's used to cause shame.

Shame is one of the most powerful and viscerally-felt human emotions. It's like it has a life force of its own and is more difficult to control than anger.

A lot of adults with even just a sniff of this background tend to close down or stiffen when faced with any kind of 'trigger'.

Sorry to come over all serious.

If I saw my partner do it I would intervene as what's the point in letting them do the job only to find out the mistake?!

Perhaps you would do it more nicely, Horehound. I like to receive eminently sensible advice. When I'm annoyed about being "mocked", often it's not because of what is being said, but the way in which it's being said.

Method 1:
(in a neutral voice) "It will be easier to put it in the tent before you pump it up."

Method 2: (a little too cheerfully) "You narna etc."

Spot the difference.

I'm with you op.

I have an ex DH who couldn't take any criticism, real or perceived, and it does get wearing.

The fact that he blamed the other person's driving for a near-miss that was actually his fault really resonates.

My ex always had to be right, even when he was wrong. When he did daft things I had to bite my tongue, blame someone else or spin the story so that it was actually a huge success.

The woman in the shop was out of order but your DH's reaction makes him look like a loon. Your other examples - the driving, the tent - clearly show a skin so thin you can see through it.

If you were constantly sniping at him he'd have something to complain about, but most people can take the occasional tease about a daft decision without sulking. He didn't like being called a narna? Dear god. If this was a friend or colleague I'd say 'avoid' but you can't and I doubt you'll change him now.