Anyone else with a Dp who just can't laugh at themselves?

[Only1scoop]

I'm completely sick of this horrible trait my Dp has. He just can't laugh at himself and it's making life miserable and waring.

I know these examples sound odd but I wanted to set the scene....

Years ago in a supermarket he picks up 2 deodorants....the lady at till lightheartedly says 'these are on 3 for 2, these men eh they never read the signs properly, go and get another I'll put it through and winks at him.

Dp 'no it's ok I only need 2'

'Are you sure you may as well have the free one'

'No it's fine'

'Oh ok'....

I personally in what situation would have just chuckled and graciously thanked the assistant.

He cut someone up the other day in car, they honked the horn, I put my hand up to apologise he just came out with a few muttering re their awful driving. Their driving was fine.

Today a lovely day ruined, I finally put up a little tent which dd has being desperate to camp out in, I suggested we did that tonight. He goes to blow up the double air bed which does just about fit in. However he went to blow it up on the lawn metres away from the tent....

I say
'I wouldn't do that you narna you won't get it through the tiny tent opening'

Mutters and miserably starts moving it.

I'd have just laughed 'what am I like' style.

He is so stubborn and seems to lack the ability to ever admit he's wrong, apologise or laugh at himself. It's making for a miserable existence.

Does anyone live with someone like this?

In other ways he's kind, generous, and nice. However, I really hate this.

Thanks for reading.

Feel slightly better now I've had a moan.

My dh complains about me not being able to laugh at myself yet joke with him and he's a real arsehole. Go figure!

I know what you mean, OP.

My ex-husband was the same. I found it very wearing. I laugh at myself all the time, but if I ever tried it with DP...sheesh.

It went to the extent that decades-old anecdotes couldn't be mentioned, let alone laughed at. For example, the time he accidentally knocked a wall down on my 21st birthday, or the time he went to a party wearing my trousers

I mean, surely, these things are just...funny? It's not mean to laugh at them, is it?

Well, I wasn't even allowed to mention them.

He had crashing low self esteem, control issues and an overwhelming desire to be right.

So now I'm rid of him I tell everybody and we laugh and laugh and laugh...

I used to be like this (couldn't handle even light teasing), but I think a large part of it is down to how you are raised/what your childhood family life was like.

For example, my father didn't do light teasing at all. What he did do was constant mean-spirited nitpicking, usually with the aim of getting you to cry or storm off so he could laugh at you some more, or as an excuse to punish you physically if he was feeling particularly sadistic.

I've been out of the family home for many years now, but it is really only the last few years that I have begun to internalise that not everyone wishes me harm, and that sometimes teasing gently is affectionate and an invitation to see the light side, not the start of a series of tormenting pinpricks.

I don't know if this is the case for your DP, but it sounds familiar to me.

Thanks for all the examples too, I see I'm not alone.

"Accidentally knocked a wall down on my 21st birthday"

That made me chuckle

Thanks Keep and perhaps that could be relevant.

He did say this morning 'I'm getting old and grumpy and have zero patience'

I would have been fucked off at the cashier's comment - it was rude, patronising and sexist.

Presumably if a bloke had said 'typical woman', then you would have laughed?

And aren't there always comments on here about teasing only being teasing of the recipient thinks it is funny? Otherwise it's being a twat to the other person.

I did say my examples weren't very good.

Of course some people would be offended by that comment, perhaps rightly, I didn't feel that the lady who was probably 60 plus said it in anything but a jokey manner....I'm not easily offended though.

I can only handle teasing if it's someone I trust and if I'm in the right frame of mind. Laughing at yourself is one thing - my default setting is self-deprecating, I'm usually the first to take the piss out of myself. But i hate it when other people do, though usually I try to laugh along if I don't know them well enough to show them how I really feel.

I think if you're annoyed with your husband about other things, your 'light hearted banter' probably comes across with more of an edge than you intended. Plus there's something mean-minded about hoarding such inconsequential episodes as the deodorant one from several years ago to use as ammunition later.

My DH would have looked at the two deodorants and said 'well I've only got two armpits!' It's his job in life to make people laugh. My XH sounds like yours.

I do not think the issue is in being able to laugh at himself, more that he's overly sensitive and can't be seen to be anything less than right/perfect.

I'm sure she did say it in a jokey manner - doesn't stop her sounding like a twat though.

I tease my friends but only if I know they will find it funny.

Anyone had the right not to find it funny when someone rips the piss out of them - it doesn't mean they don't have a sense of humour. Or shall we tell all those people who are upset about PA 'bantering' comments made by friends and family to just lighten up?

As as a PP said, laughing at yourself implies some self-deprecating type humour, not comments by other people.

Kitty yes

Well I tend to have a sense of humour fail if someone's idea of funny is sexist comments. I make no apology for that and it runs in both directions.

I'm happy to laugh at myself. I do it all the time. But my exH and my mother used to both think it was funny to bring up mistakes i'd made for other people to laugh at me over. If it's something you know he doesn't find funny, why do it?

Because I've seen people who do highlight other people's mistakes and laugh at them, when they can see the other person isn't finding it funny, and encouraging other people to join in with the mocking called "abusive twats" on here. Those people always think someone has had a sense of humour failure too.

If someone is happy to laugh at themselves, then fine, go ahead and do it. If they're not, or particular incidents make them self conscious, then don't do it. It's not difficult.

What's the shop assistant's age got to do with it too?

I spent 3 hours listening to 'funny' (sexist) comments from a man yesterday who was in his 60s. It wasn't funny from him either.

No I don't share these things with others in RL to 'laugh at him' and never would.

As I said in my Op I felt better for having a moan.

The examples given, don't indicate a lack of humour but more of a dislike of digs dressed up as supposed jokes. He's not alone at not finding those funny.

So, what, you're taking the piss out of him for your own entertainment and just getting wound up by the fact he doesn't like it then? Nice.

'You narna'

Perhaps it is taking the piss....

I will walk on egg shells if it happens again then and gently tell him to place said air bed in tent prior to inflation and be very careful not to try and make light of situation.

I will happily laugh at myself (ie tell a self deprecating story)

But I don't particularly like being teased, there is a line where teasing becomes too regular and just makes someone feel like shit. I think we have to be aware of that.

Does he ever tease people? I have a teen who can dish it but can't take it at all which is super annoying.

I tease and get teased by my kids . I have Aspergers and have NT kids but I'd like to think that my kids are more resilient because they've seen me laugh at myself when I screw up and try again. (I'm a single parent so there's plenty of examples of this) It doesn't come naturally to me but I don't want the kids to beat themselves up about being not perfect all the time.

He does have a sense of humour with other situations, and really strangely says he loves mine.

It's not about 'walking on eggshells'. Don't be a dick about it. You were expecting people to support you on this and, instead, most people have said, "don't take the piss out of someone, it isn't very nice and you can't complain if they don't like it"

It's about not taking the piss out of someone. He doesn't like it. So don't do it.

Totally agree with this: "The examples given, don't indicate a lack of humour but more of a dislike of digs dressed up as supposed jokes. He's not alone at not finding those funny."

"I will walk on egg shells if it happens again then and gently tell him to place said air bed in tent prior to inflation and be very careful not to try and make light of situation."

Bit overly defensive. You don't sound like you're very good with criticism either.

I don't handle bring mocked or teased very well either. I often find that people don't realise that it can be very hurtful for someone you love to make fun/light of something, often in front of other people, that you are actually really insecure about. DH loves mocking people because to him it's a way of showing affection, the closer you are the more affectionate he gets. He was really surprised when I burst into tears about something he said, because to me he had just zoned in on something really foolish I had done, that I felt horrendously insecure about, and highlighted it to the whole world. I think it comes down to being bullied a lot at school, I have a hard time seeing a difference sometimes. But we had a brilliant chat, I am better at having a thicker skin and we have discovered a level of teasing that isn't hurtful.

Often the person making the 'joke' or teasing will be surprised when you suggest that it is teasing or that you consider it unkind, because that's not how they intended it. However you can have the best intentions in the world and still upset someone. Surely the best thing to do is not to keep upsetting them and then in addition blame them for not having your sense of humour. I'm sure it can be exasperating but it's also exasperating to have to put up with constant belittling insults disguised as jokes about trivial things.