Do I get involved with a married man?

[user1468602338]

So I've been single for what seems forever.
I met a guy and we get on well have been speaking for a couple of weeks and had two dates.
He says honesty is the best policy and tells me he his married but they separated 5 months ago.
He told me that she said she made a mistake marrying him and it was over.
He moved back up north and is now living with his parents.
She was his childhood sweetheart and were together 10 years.
I do like him but no feelings involved yet but I enjoy his company.
I don't want to get hurt,what do I do?

Blimey chips! He's been separated 5 months, give him chance.

After only two dates I really wouldn't feel comfortable asking too many personal questions.
If he started quizzing me I would be put off straight away.
I think il take each day as it comes.
At the minute it's just casual dating and I think il just go with the flow.

They can't start divorce proceedings until they have been married a year. They have been married 10 months, of which they have been separated 5.
I was in the same position. Separated after less than 6 months of marriage. I met a new partner who I was with for 5 years so glad that he wasn't bothered by my marital status.
I am still married actually. Separated now for 6 years.

I was still married when I met my last partner.
I was honest like this man has been.

Divorce can take time especially if there are finances involved and childcare issues.

I would date him.

Hairy make sure you are sorted legally if you are still married but separated. That can get messy if anything happened to either of you

Thanks Kerala, I know on my side everything is covered, can't speak for him though.

Name change fail?

In reading around on the OW forums, so many affairs start this way. The ex comes back, he wants the ex, but he still wants the woman he's dating.

By then she's too deep into it to let go and thus takes her position as the mistress.

If you can keep your emotions out of it and have fun while it lasts, then you'll be okay.

It's unlikely to be a serious thing from his end, fresh from a split with a woman he was with for 10 years and who suddenly decided it was a mistake.

He's naturally going to be guarded and cautious with women if everything is like he says.

I got confused (not unusual ;)) by the timeline thing - I thought he'd told you he'd been married for 10 months, then separated for 5 months - which his wedding date didn't correspond with. Is it that he's been married 10 months, 5 months of which he's been separated ...if so how come were you taken aback at his wedding date being August last year and saying it didn't fit?

In any case, it is certainly early days and as posters have said; it could go either way ... a reconciliation or that the marriage was a sticking plaster over an already broken/dead relationship that is truly over.

A poster has ridiculed the idea that if you're starting to see someone steady who is v recently separated but not divorced you should be able to explain to them that, to keep everything above board, you'd really appreciate a word of confirmation from their wife that she considers them separated and completely free to date . I don't see this so outlandish; most ppl would understand why someone might want to do this if explained diplomatically; and it would avoid so many situations involving heart-break, usually for women.
If I was in his wife's position, I'd understand and be happy to speak to her; in fact I'd think she was someone with integrity & not a fool. If I was in the husband's position and a new person asked this, I think I might be slightly offended but ultimately acknowledge the fact that they don't know me from Adam yet, that trust is built gradually, not given 100% at the start ... and husbands claiming they are separated, who are not, is sadly a rather common thing.

I agree that you'd need to be dating steadily, getting into a 'real' relationship before it's worth looking into. With the caveat that early stage ambivalence can quite quickly turn into emotional involvement esp. if sex is involved.

DH was married but separated when we first met. They'd been together nearly 14 years (childhood sweethearts), no kids though, and she'd had an affair with his mate. They'd been married a year, no kids and separated for 2 months.

I took a chance on him. He was honest about everything and we've been married for 12 years now. I won't lie though, those early years were tough. Not down to him though, more his family and friends.

DP and I were both still technically married when we met. Everybody had something to say about it! Long separated I might add, just awkward a spouses holding up divorce proceedings. We knew how we felt so we went for it, 5 years and two dcs later I'm glad we did! Divorces did come eventually btw.

It takes most people a long time to get the divorce finalised - separated is fine. It took me at least 3 years I think and the same for most of my divorced friends of mine - if not longer.

Take it slow, he may be a bit on the rebound but slow is sensible anyway...I agree not to ask 10 million questions having only met him twice. A bit heavy really. Work him out for yourself, he will tell you more as time goes on. And find out if you like him anyway, is he the right sort of person for you, before you worry he might not be in a fit state for a relationship.

You can't start a divorce until you've been married 12 months in England.

I disagree with the line of thought that he's still married. If all the evidence points to the marriage having failed and the couple separated, he's free to date.

Caution's advisable, obviously, as he's going to have several emotional disruptions however things work out. People don't end their marriages lightly - both partners are bound to be upset, angry, doubtful & disappointed by degrees.

It's early days yet :) If you carry on together, wait & see how long it takes him to come clean over the dates! I am in favour of contacting the ex if things start getting serious. There's no guarantee she'd want to talk or be honest with you, but it's all helpful background.

Sounds like he is fooling you.

Oh, hang on, I've missed something here 10 years or 10 months??

I'm guessing they were together 10 years but only got married in 2015? That would make sense, especially if the wedding was supposed to consolidate a fraying relationship - been there, done that.

You still need him to come clean over the dates, though.

NO, I'm currently on the receiving end. NO, just no

If his wife did indeed leave him then I don't think one could say that she was on the receiving end of anything...

Ah, should've read full thread, it's a bit of a sensitive subject at mo so just dived on in there......

Lippy

In the Uk you can't divorce on a 'no fault' basis until you have been separated for 2 years. If he or his wife want a divorce before 2 years then then one of them will have to divorce the other for unreasonable behaviour or adultery. If its an amicable divorce then they may not see the point in doing that.

Me and my exdh had an amicable divorce (grew apart) so we didn't divorce for 2 years after we had separated. We actually lived together for 6 months after we had made the decision to split to give the dc time to adjust and to buy our own properties. I classed myself as seperated from the moment we decided to split, although obviously didn't date anyone whilst we were still living together!

Once I had moved out I had to adjust to being without him and new routines with the kids etc. It takes / took a long time before I could even imagine getting involved with someone. It takes time to get over a relationship of that length - especially when it starts at such a formative part of your life.

i started dating by now dh after I had been separated about 2 years. I was still married to exdh, although we started the divorce proceedings after 2 years as we both just wanted to get it done. No aggro, we were in a good place and quite friendly about it.

Even though I was still technically married, I had been living apart for 18 months.

You will soon clock if he is genuinely separated IMO - he won't let you come to his place, meet his friends or family and be secretive with his social media.

Even if he is genuinely seperated I would be mindful of him moving on so quick. Having said that, I do think it takes women longer to detach after a divorce.

Difficult. I met my DP when he told me he'd been separated for nearly a year. He had only accepted it being over a month before he met me and his ex had been stringing him along but I've only found this out quite recently.
He did have children with her. I love him and we have kids together now, but there have been a lot of issues. I should have walked away in the beginning for the way he treated me.
I think men are better are compartmentalising things than women so he might well be over her and you don't have the added complication of children.
My DP is still bloomin married so I would maybe ask that he starts divorce proceedings.

I think it's best to steer clear until people are properly divorced- people can and do get back together.

If you've already had your fingers burned in love, best steer on the side of caution.

The rule of thumb for getting over a relationship is at least a month for every year, so five months after a 10 year relationship is probably a bit soon. To be honest, I also think marriage breakdown is a bit like bereavement- grief is involved, especially with longer marriages, say 7 or 8 years or more. They say grief takes 5 years to process. So for a five year marriage, I would say that 1-5 years after divorce would be the ballpark.

The usual sexist crap about married men. Asking his ex for permission to date him is farcical, and no man on earth would do this if his new girlfriend had a recent ex.

Married men are not children that the world must collectively protect from predators.

People separate all the time. Countless women on the relationship boards are separated but not yet divorced. Nobody advises them to wait years for a legal rubber stamp to let them date again. We don't live in bloody Afghanistan.

If that's directed at me Zapp then I'll point out that I said "people". I would say the same about time needed to a woman who was seperating/divorcing.

I think that people often don't give themselves enough time to process emotions ( not just in relationships but in many areas of life) properly and it leads to all kinds of problems further down the line.

The only thing that cuts across those timelines is when people are running out of time in terms of reproductive health. But looking for a mother/father of children isn't necessarily the same thing as looking for someone to be married to for the rest of your life. We often get the two mixed up.

BigBarry

Nowadays we have 'no blame divorce' so there are no consequences for committing adultery. It doesn't matter and won't affect his rights to anything.