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Original poster

Do I get involved with a married man?

75 replies

user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 10:36

So I've been single for what seems forever.
I met a guy and we get on well have been speaking for a couple of weeks and had two dates.
He says honesty is the best policy and tells me he his married but they separated 5 months ago.
He told me that she said she made a mistake marrying him and it was over.
He moved back up north and is now living with his parents.
She was his childhood sweetheart and were together 10 years.
I do like him but no feelings involved yet but I enjoy his company.
I don't want to get hurt,what do I do?

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 23/07/2016 11:59

I'm married 20 years but checked out years ago, recently separated. I am walking away without a backwards glance.

Pearlman · 23/07/2016 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 23/07/2016 13:11

I don't see a problem given he actually is seperated.

Many of my friends now in second marriages started their new relationship while seperated and married to their ex.

Original poster
user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 14:01

I think I'm just wary as it was her who left him and he said it came out of the blue.
But like others have said no harm in dating him and if it becomes clear he is not over his wife(sounds weird when you say that) then just move on.
It's not like I have feelings for him I just think he is a nice man and like his company.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 23/07/2016 14:37

Incidentally, adultery is grounds for divorce, but the non adulterous party is not 'looked upon more favourably' by the Courts - the legal process is entirely indifferent to who did what, once grounds for divorce have been agreed.

LindyHemming · 23/07/2016 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 14:40

Ok something doesn't add up.
I know it sounds crazy but I looked at his brothers Facebook and they got married the 2nd of August last year.
He told they were married 10 months and have been separated 5.
The dates don't add up

OP posts:
AsteroidB314 · 23/07/2016 14:41

No, because you'll be the one who gets hurt.

He'll be fine. His wife probably won't know, or if she finds out, they'll patch it up somehow. You'll be the one she directs all of her anger towards.

There are other men. You must be young if this man is so young. Seriously, WALK AWAY. Find another less complicated situation that is less of a recipe to see you get hurt.

AsteroidB314 · 23/07/2016 14:43

Sorry, apologies Blush

Duh. Skim read

But, he is telling you a version of the truth that paints him in the best light possible?? Proceed with caution....

AsteroidB314 · 23/07/2016 14:45

PS ExtraHotLatte is right, look at his wife's page. I got chatting to a man on pof a while back and he told me he was separated and a bit of detective work led me to his wife's page and I got my answer there. I won't muddy the waters by telling you what that answer was, but I got the truth from her page.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 23/07/2016 14:47

Have you looked at her FB yet?

Ilikegin · 23/07/2016 14:48

I would date him but be very clear you want him to be honest about his feelings and not lead you on, if he's looking for a quick fling to heal his wounds then your not the girl for him, if he's not over his ex I personally don't think it's the right time for him to be dating anyone as people can fall very easily and end up getting very hurt in the process, casual sex is another thing so long as you are both on the same page but sometimes one person gets too attached and still gets hurt, he could also be the type who needs to be in a relationship with someone and no offence OP but the first person that comes along will do and they can get very clingy as they try to replace the previous love to get over it! Just tread carefully and good luck with whatever you decide Smile

Vagndidit · 23/07/2016 14:48

Walk away. He's already reading from "the script". Separated. Her fault. Etc.

Summerlovinf · 23/07/2016 14:56

No prob dating someone who is genuinely separated...I'm doing it myself and only divorced myself too last month after 5 plus years being properly separated. However, when it's so recent to the wedding, let alone the split it's risky. You're probably at best a rebound...at worst his wife doesn't know they are 'separated'.

Original poster
user1468602338 · 23/07/2016 14:58

Can't seem to find her on Facebook.
I've seen a pic of her and we are both brunette and the sam kind of slim figure.

OP posts:
TheUnsullied · 23/07/2016 15:19

I don't want to make you paranoid but not being able to find her probably isn't a great sign. Hopefully she just genuinely isn't on Facebook but there's also the possibility that she's blocked you, whether she's done it herself or he's been onto her account and done is so that you can't see each other.

merville · 23/07/2016 18:42

So he said they were married for 10 months & separated for 5, but his brother's FB shows they've been married for less than a year?
Doesn't look great tbh.

Also, if he is truly separated he should have no problem with you confirming that with his wife - as someone he's getting involved with. You're fully within your rights to request that, and if she's truly with someone else & they're relatively amicable why would she have a big problem confirming it for you. I wouldn't if I was in that situation.

But his timeline not aligning with the wedding date on FB is not looking great.

iCloud · 23/07/2016 18:44

So he said 15 months and it turns out it's only 12? Maybe his brother put the wedding photos up a while after the wedding?

Joysmum · 23/07/2016 18:50

Did he actually say he'd been married for 10 months then seperated for additional 5?

He will have been married for 10 months, 5 of which he's been seperated for so that does add up.

SandyY2K · 23/07/2016 18:57

When will he (or her) be filing for a divorce? If she made a mistake marrying him, then why wouldn't she want to finalise things? Or why wouldn't he?

Assuming he's telling you the truth, she could change her mind and he'll have her back.

MrBoot · 23/07/2016 20:17

I honestly wouldn't focus on whether the marriage lasted ten, twelve or fifteen months. It was over quickly - these things don't finish on a specific date, there is a run up to it before one finally leaves. I certainly wouldn't ask if I could contact his ex to confirm what he has said is true. That would be very very unusual and downright weird. I find some of the responses on here incredulous!

Divorce takes time to come through, it isn't always started immediately after s split. I know somebody who didn't divorce for ten years after a pretty amicable split. They both moved on but didn't finalise things until one party met someone they wanted to marry.

Itsnowornever01 · 23/07/2016 20:20

You might get hurt.

MrBoot · 23/07/2016 20:35

You might get hurt

Isn't that true of any relationship?

crazyhead · 23/07/2016 20:55

It totally depends. My sister and her partner were both married but separated when they got together. They took it gradually and it is going well. I would say that in your shoes I'd take it fairly gently to begin with and not over invest as you don't want to be involved with divorce arrangements and you want to be sure he's ready for something new. But since he hasn't got kids it really may not be too complex

ChipsOrDaddy · 23/07/2016 20:58

I would want to know why he wasn't divorced?

I'd also want to know the extent of any financial entanglements and obligations.

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