I snapped and assaulted him

[Blueshoess]

Hello,
Iam a long time lurker and have only posted once before seeking advice on a EA relationship with my ex partner.

Bit of background first of all: Iam a single mum of 1 DS, I moved from my hometown 200 miles away to relocate to the city that my ex lives when my son was 6months old, hes now 4. I did this for my son to have a relationship with his Dad because his Dad was unhappy to be in my city. Me and the ex have had a very on/off relationship, I have often stayed with him out of fear of being on my own in this city. While living together I found messages and explicit photos of women on his Facebook, Iam ashamed to admit I read his messages for about a year without having the courage to confront him. During this time I felt my confidence sink further and further and I became more isolated in this city. We ended up breaking up as I had put on too much weight and he no longer found me attractive anymore. I was devastated, especially when he ran straight into the arms of the women he had been talking to throughout our relationship. I returned to college and then went on to university which boosted my confidence. Every time I picked myself back up he would turn up at my door crying for another chance or harrasing me with messages about how much he loves me and we need to be a family. I took him back once more as he said he was ready to stop smoking green (he does work but smokes every night and has done for years). I felt I owed it to my son to take him back so I did, then the smoking started again and cracks were showing. There was an incidence after I had surgery and was recovering in bed that he refused to bring me water, when I just thought what on earth am I doing with this man..he doesn't love me, the penny dropped. I left him.

Fast forward 7 months to now. He is trying to destroy my life. He has our DS regularly and they are very close, to be fair he is a wonderful loving father to him. DS worships him. I have never ever used DS as a weapon, kept them from each other or played games. Iam still in this city with no family. I am close with ex's mum and I have 2 close friends here, one of them is a mutual friend that I met through ex but I would say she is closer to me now than him. All 3 (even his mum) have been supportive of my decision not to be with him. I feel like he's still trying to control me, he wants to know what Iam doing before having DS. If i go on a date (I've been dipping my toe in online dating) he refuses to have DS. So I have to ask his mum. He gets drunk on his free nights and sends me messages about how unhappy he is, how he promises he will change, how this time he will quit smoking green for good.

Iam sorry this is long, I am getting to it. In June I took DS overseas to visit my parents (who have recently immigrated to a different country). We were away for 4 weeks. Before I left I did a really stupid thing and agreed to think about it on the condition we would talk when I get back. I know, it was stupid but I was feeling a blip in my confidence after having a couple of rubbish dates. Upon my return we talked and I said that nothing has changed, your still smoking weed, you don't make me feel good and I don't want to be with you. This was a week ago, well he absolutely kicked off. The abusive text messages started, he called me up and used me as a verbal punch bag. I am a total bitch for leading him on and keeping him hanging while I was away. Apparently Iam a slap and have dick lined up to suck at the weekend etc. I snapped and said he has 2 weeks to move his stuff out of my spare room (I rent a 3 bed house, one room is full of all the shit he hoardes - books, dvds, tools, camping equipment, clothes etc. Which he has left in my house since I moved in as he doesn't have space at his place). I thought if Iam such a fucking bitch then why am I allowing you to take up a whole room in my house?! He then told his mum that I am planning on not allowing access to DS (not true).

Yesterday morning he came over to start boxing his stuff up. We didn't speak while this happened, I just let him get on with it. On the way out he said can I speak to you in the porch. DS was sat inside playing and wasn't aware of what was happening in porch. He said that he had told his mum everything and that she no longer likes me, and that soon enough everyone will see what Iam really like and I will have nobody. I said why are you trying to destroy my life, you know I only have 3 people in this city and you're trying to cut me off from then (he's been making contact with mutual friend and complaining to her). He said Iam destroying my own life and he's enjoying it. Well I just flipped, I can't describe it because thinking about it now it wasn't even me? Iam not proud but I pushed him out the door, punched him in the chest and somehow managed to high kick him in the arm. I shut the door and locked it.

Iam not proud of my reaction and now he's saying Iam unstable and is worried about DS. I feel pushed into a corner. I sent my mum a message because I literally have nobody now to talk to about it, her response was to book an appointment for the Gp to discuss my anger issues.

Am I losing my mind?! I can't believe I assaulted him, I apologised afterwards but he's now ignoring me...which Iam relieved at.

I think your mum might be right, but for the wrong reasons. I think it would be a good idea to get support from your gp and then, should he try to use this incident against you, you can point to having gone for help and getting support.

If your mother sounded more supportive, I would tell you to go home to her. In the absence of a safe space to go, you need to make your space safe by cutting contact with him to the absolute minimum - 3rd party handovers ideally, and stop engaging with him. This relationship is horrible. You need emotional distance from him to get control back.

Thank you for your reply. I have a GP appointment this afternoon as after yesterday's incident I keep replaying it over and over and I feel really ashamed.
It scared me a bit that I did that.

My mum lives in the states, she remarried 10 years ago and I have a little sister 16 years younger than me. I think she's getting a bit tired of the emotional burden I place on her, my other siblings only get in touch with her if they need money which is easy for her to do. I get in touch for love and comfort from my mother which she finds difficult to give. Her life would be easier if I just shut up and put up with my ex, she has previously said I will be on my own forever..which really hurts. My ex now likes using this line also just to sting.

Iam looking for a safe spot, a comfort blanket, a home and Iam lost without anyone to turn to..which is why my mind keeps tricking me to go back there with ex. Like he is making this much of a fuss he must truly love me right? Wrong, he makes me feel worse - I know this.

Ive got 1 year left of uni before I qualify, my boy starts school in September. I can't go, but I am struggling to stay.

The shame and embarrassment of your behaviour, hang on to it and let it be the catalyst for you to accept that this is the price you pay for engaging with this man. This man is toxic, there isn't a parallel universe where he isnt abusive and if you don't disengage from him today, you risk the sanity of your son's mother.

Call Women's Aid for advice, today.

I think you would benefit from support from the gp too. You need someone to talk to. It sounds like he's been abusing you for years and you sound very vulnerable :(

Did anybody see you hit him? I suspect not. I think you should have just walked away from him.

Honestly, he's a horribly manipulative man.

Who you date isn't his business. Do not answer any questions about it. He should have your DS at his scheduled times and you go out with whoever you want during those times.

If he phones you and starts talking nonsense - just hang up. Do not listen to his bitter talk. He just knows you'll go on to find a better man and is jealous.

If dealing with him is getting too much, then do it through a third party. Like drop DS at his mum's and go. Then he picks DS from there.

Or he stays on the doorstep when picking DS from you. Or he texts or calls from the car and you take DS out to him.

Don't be with him alone while he just wants to erode your self worth.

I'm sure you don't want your son behaving like him when he grows up. He's extremely immature.

Have you ever read this?: The Abuser Profiles

Have a good read through. I recognise some of the Water Torturer in your ex.

your ex sound charming.
Emotional ,verbal abuse and manipulation of your support network.
The few things you can do for yourself:
Firstly learn your lesson from recent episode i.e. don't get into conversations with him and distance yourself completely.If he calls you and abuses you-put the phone down.If he text you negative things-do not reply at all. Put emotional wall between him and yourself.
Then you have to realise his mother is his mother and you shouldn't expect her to support you over his son,its just wrong.You need to distance yourself from his family,for your own sake.
You try to seek comfort in your own mother but she either unable or unwilling to provide that level of support you require. Sometimes things go this way and it might be unfair but all you can do is to drop your expectations.Realise you are a grown up and mother yourself ,seek strength within yourself as you are your own best friend that will never betrays you. Not everyone has support network and manage just fine.
Support network and friends is just one way of dealing with what life thrown at you but if you find strength to comfort yourself you ll come out on the other side of it wiser and better equipped/immune to future difficulties you might face in your life.

Don't engage with him in any way shape or form or than to pass DS to him on the doorstep & take him back from the same place. Remember hih mum is just that & if push comes to shove she'll likely side with him. I'd also think about new friends, have you not got talking to any mums at nursery? If not try to engage with them on the school run? I've now got another lovely group of friends from just there, new friends who have no ties to the fuckwit will do your feelings of self worth wonders.

I'm not surprised you snapped and to be honest I don't blame you at all. No it's not right but it did take you 4 years to snap and you only did it out of fear of having your very small support network taken away. You don't have anger issues and if you weren't o good person you wouldn't feel bad. Do not listen to anything he says in relation to his mum and friends he's just trying to pit you against each other!!! X

I really wouldn't tell the GP or anyone else you hit him. It's just his word against yours and he'll use it to full advantage in any custody/access issues.

Sounds like you pushed him out of the door to get him away from you, I wouldn't say that was too unreasonable when he's being so verbally abusive. Unless you've already admitted the violence in writing anywhere, including texts, don't. Frankly it sounds like he is completely toxic and would use this against you in any way possible.

I remember my ex and my strong desire to hit him, nobody else has made me feel like that.

You have all my sympathy, OP. I think you should get in touch with his mum and your friend, because this man is so toxic anything he says that they said about you could have been made up out of whole clothe, I know my ex did that to me. If you can get someone else to do the hand-overs of your son, that would be for the best, but this man is so toxic I would try to gradually cut down on the contact, for your son's sake.

He has been eroding your self-confidence over a long time, the best revenge is to make the most of yourself and get out there and enjoy life.

Also I highly recommend Vitamin B complex, apart from all its other benefits, it will help calm your nerves.

This site never fails to amaze.

He physically assaults you - it's his fault. Nothing you have done could ever provoke this. There is absolutely no justification. None whatsoever.

You physically assault him - it's his fault. He provoked you and nobody can blame you.

Masiejones it's not about that at all.
He mentally abused her for years!
She was alone a single mum with man who does drugs, cheats, lies and mentally manipulates her.. For years and years in a city with no friends.
He strips away at her self esteem until she has none.
He then takes away her safety net, backs her into a corner in her own home with her son present whether he was inside or not.
She lashes out to protect that little bubble she has left.. (I'm curious though why didn't you aim for his balls) joking! I'm not a violent person but I'm sorry and I'm going to say it. He kind of deserved it.
You don't need help for your anger, you need help for depression and anxiety and you need to join a group with more single mums that have been in abusive relationships. Set up a contact arrangement with his son. Speak to him about nothing but that and if he decides he doesn't want to see him you can't force him. His loss.
He'll soon get the message
Sounds like the only person ending up alone is him.
If this was the other way round man/women I'd give the same advice

Sounds like your relationship with him is toxic. You are both responsible for this.
Sorry but it sounds like you are making excuses for hitting him. Alone in a city, no family etc. Except you have two close friends and MIL (albeit strained now). Lots of people on MN are NC with family they don't go round hitting people. If you can do this with your DC in same room then goodness knows what you would have done without him there.
Your ex sounds horrible too but it sounds like you were both winding each other up, communicating too much via text. If it's over then you need to be clear to him, not string him along. But the assault is done now. You need to get help and consider where you go from here. You ex might press charges and would be well within his rights too, social care might want to help you. But you need to set boundaries between yourself and ex. Arranged fixed contact on set days, set up a mobile just for him then you can switch off when DS with you. Consider moving back to your home town as to mention family lots of times as though they help you stay calm somehow.

maisiejones I also think that it is not the same because the OP is not in an ongoing relationship with this man. Normally here we are hearing from a victim of dv who is still living with the person that repeatedly hits them and we tell the victim to leave. The odd time that we hear from person who has been violent to their partner, we tell that person to leave. However the OP is already apart from this man.

I don't think there is any place for violence inside a relationship but sometimes it is a necessary defence mechanism in the wider world.

Hi all,
Thank you so much for all your responses, it feels good typing it all down (in a shortened version albeit).

I just want to stress that I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed that I reacted in that way. I have never laid a finger on a person in my life, Iam studying to become a healthcare professional and I have really shocked myself that my reaction could potentially ruin the 4 years of education I've achieved so far. If it was the other way around and he attacked me I wouldn't of hesitated to call the police. The only way I can describe it is uncontrollable. Honestly, I didn't even have a moment of 'ooo Iam going to hit him in a moment'.. I just snapped.

I went to the GP and told him everything, probably a pain in the arse for him on a Friday afternoon running 45 mins late! He said "well..I probably shouldn't say this but it sounds like he deserved it". Which wasn't really helpful in my emotional state. I have a history of quite bad PMS, which I've been to the doctors before for. The week before my period I can be very emotional and irritable, but I've never been like this. GP has suggested trying AD's to see if they can calm my moods around this time.

I haven't spoke to ex since the incident, and he's not texted or called so I feel a bit calmer. His mum picked DS up yesterday and gave me a hug, she said she's not taking sides and that she's there if I need her. Ex will be dropping DS home on Monday morning, Iam dreading seeing him. I can't look at him, I know it was me who hit him but I still feel angry, upset and ashamed about it and Iam blaming him for pushing me to my breaking point. Which is stupid because I know it's my fault for reacting.

Thank you all again. Iam going for a big walk on my own today to try and clear my head.

Im affaird I agree with your GP he deserved it.
Of course you feel guilty, you're a good person that's normal.
You haven't or won't ruin anything.
He came into your home and practically backed you into an emotional corner.
The police would most likely tell him just to stay away from you. They really wouldn't arrest you over it.
Stop feeling like you have anger issues you don't, your only mistake is being too human. Lol do you know how ridiculous that sounds.
Sounds like his mother knows other she would side with him!

when he drops off please ensure it is doorstep handover only. He is bloody horrid and he put you in such an impossible situation. If he cannot do a doorstep handover sensibly then it will need to be done by a third party every time.

Again, let me recommend Vitamin B to help you be cool and not react, it really does help. Also acupuncture is really good for PMS, it worked a charm for my dd.

And it would be great if you could get someone else to take charge of the handovers.

Yes door step handovers will be the best option. My next concern is that he still has a key to my house, which he's had the whole time I've lived here. He says it's best if he has one incase of an emergency, or if something comes up and he needs to pick up things for DS. Initially I was okay with this but the past 7 months he often turns up uninvited without warning, let's himself in to get something he needs from his hoarde in the spare room.
On one occasion he came to collect something while he knew I was out on a date and took down all the artwork he had given me as gifts and punched the glass frames leaving them on the floor.
4 times he has let himself into my house at 8am on a Sunday morning, I think trying to catch me in bed with another man (I've never even had another man in my house full stop). After each incident I asked for the key back but he always forgets or comes up with an excuse to why he should have it.
I want to ask for it back but at this moment I feel like it's going to be a difficult conversation to have, if I ask his mum to ask him she will probably think Iam being petty and dramatic.

Oh honey, don't even faff about with asking for a key back, just get the locks changed first thing on Monday morning. It's your house, you can do that if you want to...

Fuck him.

Keep improving yourself, make new friends, and when he comes begging simply close the door and live a great life.

Change the locks. It's your home and he cannot just come in whenever he pleases. I'd also give him a deadline to remove his crap from your home, after which time you'll be dumping it. He sounds like a nasty piece of work and I wouldn't let him in your home again.