Hello,
Iam a long time lurker and have only posted once before seeking advice on a EA relationship with my ex partner.
Bit of background first of all: Iam a single mum of 1 DS, I moved from my hometown 200 miles away to relocate to the city that my ex lives when my son was 6months old, hes now 4. I did this for my son to have a relationship with his Dad because his Dad was unhappy to be in my city. Me and the ex have had a very on/off relationship, I have often stayed with him out of fear of being on my own in this city. While living together I found messages and explicit photos of women on his Facebook, Iam ashamed to admit I read his messages for about a year without having the courage to confront him. During this time I felt my confidence sink further and further and I became more isolated in this city. We ended up breaking up as I had put on too much weight and he no longer found me attractive anymore. I was devastated, especially when he ran straight into the arms of the women he had been talking to throughout our relationship. I returned to college and then went on to university which boosted my confidence. Every time I picked myself back up he would turn up at my door crying for another chance or harrasing me with messages about how much he loves me and we need to be a family. I took him back once more as he said he was ready to stop smoking green (he does work but smokes every night and has done for years). I felt I owed it to my son to take him back so I did, then the smoking started again and cracks were showing. There was an incidence after I had surgery and was recovering in bed that he refused to bring me water, when I just thought what on earth am I doing with this man..he doesn't love me, the penny dropped. I left him.
Fast forward 7 months to now. He is trying to destroy my life. He has our DS regularly and they are very close, to be fair he is a wonderful loving father to him. DS worships him. I have never ever used DS as a weapon, kept them from each other or played games. Iam still in this city with no family. I am close with ex's mum and I have 2 close friends here, one of them is a mutual friend that I met through ex but I would say she is closer to me now than him. All 3 (even his mum) have been supportive of my decision not to be with him. I feel like he's still trying to control me, he wants to know what Iam doing before having DS. If i go on a date (I've been dipping my toe in online dating) he refuses to have DS. So I have to ask his mum. He gets drunk on his free nights and sends me messages about how unhappy he is, how he promises he will change, how this time he will quit smoking green for good.
Iam sorry this is long, I am getting to it. In June I took DS overseas to visit my parents (who have recently immigrated to a different country). We were away for 4 weeks. Before I left I did a really stupid thing and agreed to think about it on the condition we would talk when I get back. I know, it was stupid but I was feeling a blip in my confidence after having a couple of rubbish dates. Upon my return we talked and I said that nothing has changed, your still smoking weed, you don't make me feel good and I don't want to be with you. This was a week ago, well he absolutely kicked off. The abusive text messages started, he called me up and used me as a verbal punch bag. I am a total bitch for leading him on and keeping him hanging while I was away. Apparently Iam a slap and have dick lined up to suck at the weekend etc. I snapped and said he has 2 weeks to move his stuff out of my spare room (I rent a 3 bed house, one room is full of all the shit he hoardes - books, dvds, tools, camping equipment, clothes etc. Which he has left in my house since I moved in as he doesn't have space at his place). I thought if Iam such a fucking bitch then why am I allowing you to take up a whole room in my house?! He then told his mum that I am planning on not allowing access to DS (not true).
Yesterday morning he came over to start boxing his stuff up. We didn't speak while this happened, I just let him get on with it. On the way out he said can I speak to you in the porch. DS was sat inside playing and wasn't aware of what was happening in porch. He said that he had told his mum everything and that she no longer likes me, and that soon enough everyone will see what Iam really like and I will have nobody. I said why are you trying to destroy my life, you know I only have 3 people in this city and you're trying to cut me off from then (he's been making contact with mutual friend and complaining to her). He said Iam destroying my own life and he's enjoying it. Well I just flipped, I can't describe it because thinking about it now it wasn't even me? Iam not proud but I pushed him out the door, punched him in the chest and somehow managed to high kick him in the arm. I shut the door and locked it.
Iam not proud of my reaction and now he's saying Iam unstable and is worried about DS. I feel pushed into a corner. I sent my mum a message because I literally have nobody now to talk to about it, her response was to book an appointment for the Gp to discuss my anger issues.
Am I losing my mind?! I can't believe I assaulted him, I apologised afterwards but he's now ignoring me...which Iam relieved at.