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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anybody NOT get very tense when their mum is visiting?

89 replies

Spidermama · 25/01/2007 19:41

I get really wound up no matter how hard I try not to. It's almost like a visceral response. My mum has just gone after a four day visit and the relief is immense.

Is it normal to find ones own mum so irritating and upsetting?

OP posts:
undergroundernie · 25/01/2007 20:02

I also get very wound up. I love my mum dearly but seem to be very sensitive to her comments. It's not as if she says anything dreadful but I always seem to respond in a very - I can't think of the way to describe it - but as if it brings me back to childhood/adolescence and feelings/resentments that are burried deep. Not that I think I have anything to be resentful for as my mum was a great mum and always tried to put us first.

Maybe it's part of growing away from your parents as you get older but also feeling yourself becoming more like them and so the tension occurs.

I don't know what it is. My mum is one of the first people I want to speak to if I'm ill. She can make me feel fantastically loved and comfortable but also drive me insane.

The thing that gets me most is that she has a fantastic relationship with my eldest (good) but she is always convinced that I am not spending enough time with him. Then again maybe that is just how I interpret it.

suedonim · 25/01/2007 20:04

Well, I feel the same about mine. I usually have to go to bed with a migraine within three hours of her getting to our house.

Original poster
Spidermama · 25/01/2007 20:09

I just hope my dd doesn't feel this way about me when I come to visit. I hope it's not inevitable, but I fear it's very common. I remember my mum always being furious when her mum came to visit and I could never understand it.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 25/01/2007 20:13

I don't!

SoupDragon · 25/01/2007 20:13

Nor when my MIL visits...

MrsApron · 25/01/2007 20:16

2 hours before snapping normally. MIL is fine - make of that what you will...

funnypeculiar · 25/01/2007 20:18

god, mine would be under the patio if she was ever foolish enough to stya for 4 days. Went on holiday with her (and my 3 bros/sis for 2WEEKS earler this year, and tis a blaardy miracle no-one drowned her in the pool

AitchTwoOh · 25/01/2007 20:19

no, i sigh with relief when she rings the doorbell. dd goes apoplectic with joy, as does my mother, so i get to leave them to it.

FioFio · 25/01/2007 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KezzaG · 25/01/2007 20:21

4 days? thats impressive. I always look forward to seeing my mum, and then within half an hour I am like a teenager and get all stroppy. She brings out the worst in me for some reason.

belgianmama · 25/01/2007 20:24

I've got no worries about my mil visiting. My own mum on the other hand requires an awful lot of preparation:

  1. clean house top to bottom
  2. ensure it is equally tidy
  3. always have napkins in the house for dinner time, preferable pretty ones
  4. stock up on sherry (for her not me)
  5. ensure dp is prepared to support me and listen to some serious ranting at the end of the day as my mum will invariably have critisised my house and its decorations, my sense of clothing/style, my diet, my dc's diet,... I could go on for hours and hours. So yes I totally understand you Spidermama and I must say that having the channel inbetween us is making our relationship only better!
Original poster
Spidermama · 25/01/2007 20:25

I wish I loved seeing her. I'm so jealous of people with nice, helpful mums who genuinely appear to want the best for their dds and their grand dds.

I've let go of the idea that my mum will deliver, but now I want to guard against letting my dd down in this way.

You people who enjoy the company of your mothers. Can I ask why? In what way is it good when things go well?

OP posts:
Califrau · 25/01/2007 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Spidermama · 25/01/2007 20:49

Belgian oddly enough I think I'd rather have her nearer because then she wouldn't have to come and actually stay in my house every time she visits. That's what makes the whole thing so intense. I'd rather stop by to visit her for an hour or two.

She has driven me crazy. She just sits there doing nothing and talking to me all the time about TV programmes when I don't even watch TV. I'm trying to rush about getting things done and she barely talks to the kids and just waits to be fed.

I'm so jealous of those people whose mothers help. Mine is definitely the hindering type.

OP posts:
Booboobedoo · 25/01/2007 20:56

I hope this doesn't sound rude (genuinely mean to be helpful), but as it sounds like it's pattern in your family (you said your Mum felt like this about your Mum), maybe you could consider therapy for yourself. (Nice convoluted sentence there ).

I only suggest this as it's very difficult to spot family behaviour patterns and break them, and if you're worried about this happening between you and your DD a therapist should be able to help you spot the family pattern and break it.

I get on fantastically with my Mum, but I'd still like to do this if I had the cash!

cece · 25/01/2007 20:59

No I really look forward to my parents visiting. The longest they stayed was 3 months... and Imissed them when they went

Original poster
Spidermama · 25/01/2007 21:01

Absolutely booboo. I'm at pains to avoid this. I don't think I'm anything like my mum, but she probably didn;t thing she was anything like hers.

My mum isn't at all maternal and really only thinks about herself. I'm almost the opposite, but you're right about family patterns.

I can't afford therapy, but would love to have it. I devour self help books on the subject and have revelation after revelation but it doesn't seem to translate into actual imrpved relations for some reason.

OP posts:
mythumbelinas · 25/01/2007 21:01

I don't mind my mum coming round. We don't always see eye to eye, but she likes to make herself useful when she's round .. like watering the plant she gave me and pulling weeds from my garden. She never stays long.

colditz · 25/01/2007 21:02

The longest my mum has |EVER stayed at my house was 5 hours, and that was christmas.

colditz · 25/01/2007 21:03

I'm going to be one of those mothers who smothers their children, aren't I.

itsmeNDP · 25/01/2007 21:04

I don;t get tense when my Mum visits, she is much more relaxed and laid back than I am !

Booboobedoo · 25/01/2007 21:08

Just read back my last post, and noticed how much I repeated myself .

You probably have, but on the off-chance...

Have you read 'Families and how to Survive Them' by John Cleese and Robin Skynner? It's genius.

Original poster
Spidermama · 25/01/2007 21:40

I haven't Boo. I've read others but will look out for that one.

OP posts:
Ilovemyboy · 25/01/2007 21:46

My mum has just been to stay with me for 5 days while DP was away with work.

I think I lost my temper with her a couple of times and told her shut up but I cried when she left. She is so good with my baby and we live at opposite ends of the country so I rarely get to see her and miss her so much.

But if she lived round the corner...

Ilovemyboy · 25/01/2007 21:50

Oh and MIL lives in Oz so we hardly ever see each other. I think we both prefer it that way.