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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife Changing

60 replies

happyne · 21/07/2016 22:58

Hi All..... First post so please be gentle!

My Wife (49, me 52) has massively changed over the last year. Cards on the table, I love her with every fibre of my being and would do anything to make her happy. We have two amazing daughters (15 and 17) and she is an amazing mother and mentor to them. About a year ago i picked up a call on her phone from one of our daughters when she was in another room (no big deal i thought - we've never hidden phones etc from each other) and when hung up I saw a message from a guy saying how much he missed the hugs and kisses at work (she is a primary school teacher). It turns out this guy is 25 and just out of being a student. I asked her about it and she didnt deny it. Given we have been in a monogamous relationship for so long I want to put it down to perfectly understandable curiosity, but ever since then she has been pretty horrible - cursing me under her breath, Leaving flowers I bring her for the cleaner to decant, and most shamefully I find it really hard to be intimate with her as the grimaces she has on her face shame me (we used to have a vibrant and lovely intimacy), and she doles it out like a reward rather than a pleasure. Now this is all a backdrop. It's summer; she's a teacher and has defined holidays. I work in the advertising sector in a pretty senior role so have a lot of things I need to clear to book a holiday. She knows this but won't commit to a summer holiday as she says she's exhausted and will let me know when she's ready. I'm worried about letting my company, colleagues and family down, as this might be just a couple of days notice notice or something..When I try to explain this she just ignores me

Can anyone help me to know the best way of dealing with this?

Thank you so much

OP posts:
Isetan · 22/07/2016 03:49

I get it, you're trying to hang on to normalcy (planning your summer hols) but you can't because your wife has checked out of your marriage and appears not to want to check back in again.

The woman you love has transformed herself into a self absorbed and disrespectful selfish individual, whose contempt for you and your vows continues to grow. Watching your father humiliate himself trying to attract the attention of a spouse who isn't interested, is very corrosive and is an unhealthy relationship example to your daughters.

Ignoring the elephant in your marriage won't make it go away.

cozietoesie · 22/07/2016 06:39

Are you scared to talk to her?

donajimena · 22/07/2016 06:53

I think the only way you can see whether there is any chance of reconciliation is to actually separate and initiate divorce proceedings. Stop trying to win her affections and seek her approval.
it may just may give her a shock if you have always been there steady and reliable.
However this isn't a game tactic and if you don't get the desired response you go back to begging (for want of a better word)
She may be relieved to separate/divorce which would be horrible for you but you CAN and WILL move on with this.
I'm only on this board after my former long term partner cheated on me and I was 'devastated' and 'heartbroken' but I healed and so will you.

SandyY2K · 22/07/2016 07:20

She's loving the attention from a man half her age and she has no intention of stopping it. By doing nothing you are allowing her to disrespect you without consequences.

Even when the young man moves on, your marriage won't compare to the sparks she gets from that 'new relationship feeling'.

Right now, she knows that you know and you do nothing. She's effectively having an affair and from your behaviour so far all your doing is trying to win her affection.

Stop being Mr nice guy and she may actually respect you. Google the book 'no more Mr. Nice guy' and read it.

If I were you, I'd get a divorce, but you don't want that so the next thing I advice is that you stop initiating sex with her, focus on you and your daughters. If she's not going on holiday, then plan one with your daughters and be sure not to pander to her.

Show her that you are fully capable of living a happy life, whether she's part of that or not. You do this in your actions and not by treating her badly.

Maintain politeness, but jack up your social life and get out there.

Once you realise you can go it alone, you'll have the strength to leave.

A wife who grimaces at your touch during sex will only damage your self esteem. I'm sure you wouldn't encourage your daughters to stay in such a marriage would you?

Dutchcourage · 22/07/2016 07:35

To my utter horror, she used to be repulsed when I touched her even to the point of curling her hand into a fist if i tried to hold her hand

Op - how has she got to this point? This does not happen over night. Be honest and look all the way back to when things started going off kilter.

The kisses and cuddles with the other man is the thin end of the wedge, you need to look at what your relationship was like before he came on the scene.

She recoils from you. I've been in that place and it took a bloody long time for me to get there. Once you are in that place there is no going back.

Does your wife use MN? Do you argue a lot? When was the last time you made proper love?

I think there is a lot more too this.

Joysmum · 22/07/2016 07:45

Numerous people have asked you now if you've spoken to her about her feelings towards you and your marriage and you e avoided answering.

You can't try enough for 2 people. The key thing here is that she needs to want to try too.

I suspect you've not really spoken about her feelings and your marriage because you fear she'll finally say to you the things you don't want to hear but fear are true.

Avoidance isn't fixing things, in fact it's making it worse as her behaviours continue.

You need to get her to be open and honest with you do you both knew e where you stand and can make the decision whether this is salvagable.

Being a walkover and allowing your wife to continue to behave like this towards you is worse than divorce.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/07/2016 09:30

What a horrible example of a relationship to be showing your DDs!
You could however show them that people do not have to put with being treated like a door mat.
People do not have to put up being walked all over.

Look up 'sunk cost fallacy'

Your wife broke her vows which now make yours meaningless.
Sorry... but it does.
She's not interested.
Time to get to a solicitor and find out where you stand financially etc...

FolderReformedScruncher · 22/07/2016 10:19

OP I bet there is not one MumsNetter that would come on here and say they had a relationship with a younger man at their workplace, had got to the stage in their marriage where they were grimacing with revulsion when their husband touched them, made a fist when he got near to them but they went on to have a wonderful (or even so so) happy ever after. If a councillor can get your marriage past what you have put here, I would like to shake him or her by the hand. It's not going to happen and your continued attempts whilst admirable, will be adding to her dislike of you. It's not right but it's human nature. You are teetering on the edge of doormattitude. Don't be a doormat. Quietly get advice. Follow it. Have an amicable separaton and move on. It was over a long time ago. She did not have enough respect for you to tell you is all. You sound a decent sort and it's rotten but it is real. Good luck.

MatrixReloaded · 22/07/2016 10:36

I think you should stop any attempts at intimacy with your wife. The grimacing indicates that she doesn't want to which will harm your marriage further. There's also the issue of stds. Have you been tested ?

wherearemymarbles · 22/07/2016 12:43

To be blunt she finds the idea of intimacy with you revolting. There is little come back from that.

But I bet she loves the financial security. From what you said about your career you probably earn significantly more than you wife and her fancy man combined.

You may not want to divorce her, fair enough, but at least show her you dont need her.

But ask your self this, do you want to spend the next 30 years with someone who doesnt love you, especially as your children are mot far from leaving home?

Wont be much fun, you and a stanger.

Enjoyingthepeace · 22/07/2016 12:48

Op, there's lots of overblown talk about how much you love your wife and how you are committed to her, but there is very little, if any at all, introspection on your part as to why your wife seems to find you so deeply off putting.

Rather than keep proclaiming your undying love, what about asking yourself some serious questions about WHY your wife might be behaving like this

Cherylene · 22/07/2016 13:01

I would say that yes, you made a commitment and vows.

And yes, she made the same commitment and vows too.

But to carry them through, you need to work together. You cannot do the work for her, no matter how committed you are to making it happen. I know you want to, but it is the old Leading Horse to Water problem.

You both need to honour the vows and if she will not prepared and willing to put in the commitment too, she is not doing that.

You need to go to counselling to give her the chance to talk to you. You also need to visit a solicitor to get the low down on what your position is legally, so that you know what you are doing. You have to do this with your eyes open.

amypie86 · 22/07/2016 15:37

Unfortunately everyone is right, I fully understand you don't want a divorce and that your marriage vows are important to you. But you BOTH have to want the same thing, and she's obviously checked out of this relationship. The more and more you act like you want to make it work even though her behaviour is unacceptable, the more you will actually be pushing her away because it's going to give the impression you have no back bone. At the moment there are no consequences for her actions, she has no reason to be afraid of losing you because obviously you're not going anywhere - even though she doesn't want you to touch her and you know she's probably sleeping with a younger man. Please for your own sake talk to her about it and have the conversation and then you can both decide where to go from here. You sound like such a nice guy, the type of guy many women would love to have, but I feel like you're prolonging the agony here.

Dutchcourage · 22/07/2016 17:44

enjoying exactly! I think there is much more to this

cozietoesie · 22/07/2016 19:13

Is it possible that she just doesn't know what to do? Sometimes, people can be unhappy but lack sufficient insight or purpose to do anything about it. They just keep on bumbling on.

Cary2012 · 22/07/2016 19:35

OP you sound a lovely kind man, but you need to see this as it really is. She doesn't respect you, probably because you have turned a blind eye to the younger man she works with. Why have you tolerated this? Talk to her, tell her that you've had enough. Get tough, take those rose tinted specs off, she's having her cake and eating it. You deserve better.

NotYoda · 22/07/2016 19:39

cozietoes

Yes, that might be right.

I think I'd confront it.

I wholeheartedly agree with what Sandy said

NotYoda · 22/07/2016 19:41

I think you don't want to hear what she's saying to your OP.

It's scary, but it's not inevitable that this leads to the end - but you cannot go on with this level of disrespect

cozietoesie · 22/07/2016 20:41

If your DDs are 15 and 17, and especially if your wife is close to them and an amazing 'mentor', I'd lay a modest wager on her deciding to 'stick things out' - whatever 'things' may be - until they've both safely left school etc. Such milestones seem to figure in people's thinking.

You're not happy, she can't be happy and your DDs are likely not as stable and happy as you both may think.

Talk to her.

Original poster
happyne · 22/07/2016 22:01

Thank you all for brilliant advice - I know in my heart of hearts there's no future, but I do think I can put up with it to ensure my DD's are safe, secure and in a nuclear family until they're ready to fly. My DD is not a bad or evil person at all, but after 20 odd years has probably got a bit bored (I am a boring twat at the best of times). I do have to say i had an affair 14 years ago and was the most massive arse to her - younger, cocky, world at my feet, backstage at gigs, flying around the world, celeb parties, drugs, massive drinking etc etc etc. I have never forgiven myself, and if I'm seeing things clearly neither has she. To answer the 'but why' questions and the 'but why do you put up with it' questions, I'd simply say I made my bed and by christ I am lying in it now. I left her with our young daughters while I acted out a juvenile fantasy - and yes I do know what a total twat of a bellend that makes me. My only dream is that I can get her to see my penitence and accept the possibility that I am actually the man she married.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 22/07/2016 22:24

Then you have to talk to her.

Original poster
happyne · 22/07/2016 22:41

Even though it was 14 years ago she has never ever wanted to talk about it. When I snapped to, I arranged marriage counselling - we went to one session and she never wanted to go back.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyne · 22/07/2016 22:47

And ever since then it's the kind of taboo subject that lays hidden behind the sofa and nobody acknowledges the smell

OP posts:
donajimena · 22/07/2016 23:44

Ok so you have both made mistakes. Time to move on. Your daughters will be fine. I'm not saying it won't be devastating but you can't carry on like this.

Jemmima · 22/07/2016 23:54

Sounds like she is having an affair. You need to find out for definite and then call her on it and tell her you will not continue in this way. Tell her you want to separate for a while to get your head together and let her sweat. She needs a shock to realise that she could lose you.