Wife Changing

[happyne]

Hi All..... First post so please be gentle!

My Wife (49, me 52) has massively changed over the last year. Cards on the table, I love her with every fibre of my being and would do anything to make her happy. We have two amazing daughters (15 and 17) and she is an amazing mother and mentor to them. About a year ago i picked up a call on her phone from one of our daughters when she was in another room (no big deal i thought - we've never hidden phones etc from each other) and when hung up I saw a message from a guy saying how much he missed the hugs and kisses at work (she is a primary school teacher). It turns out this guy is 25 and just out of being a student. I asked her about it and she didnt deny it. Given we have been in a monogamous relationship for so long I want to put it down to perfectly understandable curiosity, but ever since then she has been pretty horrible - cursing me under her breath, Leaving flowers I bring her for the cleaner to decant, and most shamefully I find it really hard to be intimate with her as the grimaces she has on her face shame me (we used to have a vibrant and lovely intimacy), and she doles it out like a reward rather than a pleasure. Now this is all a backdrop. It's summer; she's a teacher and has defined holidays. I work in the advertising sector in a pretty senior role so have a lot of things I need to clear to book a holiday. She knows this but won't commit to a summer holiday as she says she's exhausted and will let me know when she's ready. I'm worried about letting my company, colleagues and family down, as this might be just a couple of days notice notice or something..When I try to explain this she just ignores me

Can anyone help me to know the best way of dealing with this?

Thank you so much

[SloppyDailyMailJournalism]

YOU WHAT????? YOU HAD AN AFFAIR??

You utter fuckwit of a man. Don't come on here with your bloody whining (MN attracts a certain sort of whiner sometimes) when you were the one who betrayed your wife! What did you expect?

Poor woman's probably been torn to pieces about it since and is finally coming to her senses. There was something about the language you were using that didn't ring true for me, now I see why.

Go Mrs Happyne - run while you can

[SloppyDailyMailJournalism]

should have said MN attracts a certain type of male whiner sometimes

[happyne]

SloppyDailyMailJournalism- wasn't whining at all - just wanted advice about holidays...blimey you are angry!

[Jemmima]

Just saw you had an affair. You came to your senses and went about recovering your relationship. Good. Many many people have affairs and for many couples they can be a wake up call to both but only if it is dealt with properly and discussed. She sounds like she has not recovered from it though if she has hated you touching her all these years. I think you need to talk to her about what happened 14 years ago and where you are both at now and ask her if she wants to change things and you both try and sort it out or ask her if she would like to separate, even for a while so you both have space to reflect and she can see if she misses you.

[SloppyDailyMailJournalism]

Yeah, I am angry with people who treat other people badly (who wouldn't be?) and try to gloss over it - not from personal experience, but I think it stinks. And, what with it being Mumsnet 'n' all, I'm guessing you were looking for the female view.

What I do have personal experience of, second hand, is males who have treated women badly (and I have no doubt it happens vice versa) and present themselves in a particular way. I do have some insight into this and I recognise something in your language that suggests to me you are far from the little sweetie you portray.


I'm so sorry, I didn't realise you were looking for holiday advice , Thomas Cook perhaps?

[SloppyDailyMailJournalism]

And this: 'younger, cocky, world at my feet, backstage at gigs, flying around the world, celeb parties, drugs, massive drinking etc etc etc. I have never forgiven myself, and if I'm seeing things clearly neither has she'. No, expect you did forgive yourself, I expect she was the desperate wife for a long time, until you were not in that world and realised what you are losing.

[NotYoda]

OP

Calm Down Dear won't win you friends here.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

Ah. No wonder she's not too keen on you.

I'm guessing she was too hurt and angry 14 years ago, and pushing the issue inside a wall of silence was her way to cope with the pain.

This issue has been festering for 14 years, and now she is having her own payback affair. Not healthy, but also not at all surprising.

I think joint counselling is your only hope, if both of you are willing. Otherwise, split.

But you don't have a marriage: you have a union of festering anger and resentment. This does nobody any good, least of all your daughters.

Lance the boil, or divorce.

[Cary2012]

Totally agree with RiceCrispie. Think your wife is living her own life, tolerating you and staying to keep the family home together until she feels ready to split. Thing is, your daughters are not benefiting at all from living with parents as unhappy as you two are. Kids, especially girls in their teens know and pick up on far, far more than we realise. I stayed in an unhappy marriage for three teenagers, looking back, it did none of them any favours. You need to talk to her, consider whether you both want help in working at it. If not, do the decent thing and split. Treat the mother of your girls with kindness and respect, that's the best thing you can show your kids.

[Cleavergreene]

SwloppyDailyMailJournalism. I think your sanctimonious attitude is uhelpful at best and sexist at worst. I'd tell you to pull your head in, but I suspect that's against chat guidelines.

OP. Mate, I feel for you brother. Given what you've said, the is what I'd do.

1. I'd find out the status of her relationship with Mr 25
   
2. I'd sleep in a different bed.
   
3. I'd ask her what she wants in the relationship. See if it's compatible with what you want. I doubt it will be.
   
4. If 3 doesn't resolve the situation. I'd advise her that you are leaving and you will seek shared custody.
   
5. Grow some balls.