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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please somebody help me. My marriage is over

32 replies

Fellytone · 20/07/2016 12:26

I'm in a state. I don't know what to do. It's such a long story, my h has a gambling problem. It escalated to the point that I had to have full control of our money just to make sure we could pay the bills. He stopped for a while then moved his attention on to sexting apps and web cam sites. I understand some people may be ok with that but I am not. Showing his dick and having explicit chats with other women is cheating in my eyes. Whether it was physical or not doesn't matter to me. I tried to move on, then a few months later he did it again. Stupid idiot that I am forgave him again.

This morning I've discovered that for the past "few weeks" he has been gambling and "chatting" to other women again. I'm heartbroken. I'm so fucking stupid. He was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago and I stupidly thought he was getting help and serious about changing. How wrong was I.

He's made the decision to leave. I suspect he's waiting for me to ask him to stay.

I don't know what to tell the DC about why Daddy isn't at home. DS has SN and change in routine is a massive trigger.

I'm trying to keep it together as I'm home with DD who's 3. I don't know what went wrong. Why was I not enough for him.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 20/07/2016 12:29

It's not your fault and you can't live like this for the children. It's not fair to them. Make him realise it is over.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 20/07/2016 12:32

It is not your fault your H is an addict. You have not made him gamble or sext or anything else. You are not responsible for his weaknesses.

You are however, responsible for the safety and wellbeing of your DCs and have a duty of care for them. Which is why you are now being strong and assertive and doing the right thing. He needs to leave. You can do this.

keely79 · 20/07/2016 12:33

Your marriage has been over for a while - it's just official now. He has treated you appallingly and with contempt - that is not how a marriage works. It sounds like you have been holding things together on your own for quite a while and in the long run will be better off without him. It's not a question of whether you were "enough" - he hasn't been "enough" for you.

ayeokthen · 20/07/2016 12:34

Firstly, don't be so tough on yourself. You have held things together in unbelievably difficult circumstances for a long time. All through your post you talk about how fucking stupid you are. You are NOT stupid, you are a wife and mum who was trying her very best to keep things going with little or no help from the sounds of things. I've been where you are, my ex husband ran up crazy debts, cheated relentlessly, physically and mentally abused me for years and I stayed because I felt it was what I should do. It sounds like you are completely exhausted, physically and mentally and your confidence is on the floor. You can do this on your own, you've been doing it for months already, managing everything and coping. If you don't want him to stay, don't give in. You and your son are what matters now, do what is right for you. My son has autism, and when his dad left he didn't bat an eyelid because his dad was never really involved with him day to day anyway. You are the constant in your son's life, you can help him through changes in routine, in whatever is to come. But please, please don't put yourself down. You are a strong, capable, selfless Mum and you are not all the negative things you think about yourself. Leaving my ex husband was the best decision I've ever made, it took a long time for me to build myself back up but I got there. And so will you!

Swifey · 20/07/2016 12:35

You sound strong and capable (although you may not feel that way now!) and you will get through this. It has nothing to do with you 'not being enough', he obviously has issues which he cannot deal with, and that is no way your fault. You have tried to get past it, but the reoccurring pattern means that he either sees you forgiving him and feels he can carry on, or, he doesn't have the willpower to stop. Either way, yes he has cheated, and has not been true to his weddings vows. The children will absolutely get used to it, even the one with sen, and it will be hard when you are dealing with your own emotions too. Try and tell at least one person in rl, for sone support for you. Just take one hour at a time if that's easier, slow and steady, and you will get there. FlowersBrewCake

Original poster
Fellytone · 20/07/2016 12:40

Thank you for the supportive posts. I don't feel strong at all. I'm tired, I feel sick to my stomach. I can't even begin to think about how I will cope financially.

We're meant to be going on holiday in a few weeks. It's all ruined.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 20/07/2016 12:56

I'm sorry. It's hard when your other half has an addiction of any sort. But it is not that you are at fault in any way. The sadness is in realising that your dreams of things being different are just that - your dreams. And that's hard to adjust to. The reality of your day to day life is not something you want to hang onto. You were hoping for change. Recognising that this ain't going to happen is difficult- but ultimately it's liberating. It means you don't have to put up with the crap any more. See if you can concentrate on what you have gained. I know that sounds cheesy but it helped me. My ex was ( still is) a drinker, and the moment I realised it was his problem rather than mine things became much clearer. Good luck Flowers

ayeokthen · 20/07/2016 12:59

CAB can help with financial advice, and we're all here to support you if it all gets too much. You probably feel like a wrung out dishcloth at the moment with everything you've been put through, just remember you're still standing! Give yourself credit for that xxx

Original poster
Fellytone · 20/07/2016 13:13

I feel like I can't breathe

OP posts:
adora1 · 20/07/2016 14:20

He never really stopped gambling and chasing women - you really are well rid OP, I know it doesn't feel like that right now but this man has been taking the piss long enough now, he's practically made you bankrupt.

I've yet to meet a woman that wouldn't think this is cheating, of course it is, he has zero respect for your relationship and stop blaming yourself for his inadequacies, you did fuck all wrong OP so just accept that this man is very weak, selfish and a creep, sorry but he is.

Have you good friends and family because they will be a big help in getting you through this.

Original poster
Fellytone · 20/07/2016 14:40

I've spoken to his mum. He is going to stay with his parents and when she asked why he told her to speak to me. Yet again passing the responsibility on to me. When I told her what has been going on, because why should I keep his secrets anymore, she said it wasn't really that bad as it wasn't physical and that I need to sort it out with him because it's not fair on the children.

So yeah, lots of support there Hmm

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 20/07/2016 14:43

Ignore her. What about YOUR family and friends - who will help you ?

adora1 · 20/07/2016 14:46

She's going to take his side and play down his abuse, of course she is, don't discuss with her, discuss with your own family.

Original poster
Fellytone · 20/07/2016 14:51

I have no close friends. He was my best friend. My mum knows and is being supportive but I don't think she knows what to say really. Not much she can say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fellytone · 20/07/2016 15:33

Just picked DS up from school. First thing he asks when we get through the door is "where's Daddy?". It's going to be a long night

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 20/07/2016 16:34

Tell him mum and dad have decided not to live together anymore because you are not happy . It's nothing your son has done and it's not his fault .

Dad will live in X place and you and he will live in your house with you. He will still go to the same nursery / school / see his friends / gran / whatever is important to him .

He can go to visit dad every week / weekend / whatever you have agreed .

I know it's hard but putting it off won't make it easier and DS will get more confused.

SandyY2K · 20/07/2016 16:48

MILS who support their adult kids like this really annoy me.

So if you took vjay and boob pics and chatted with other men would she think it was not that bad?

You can't reconcile with him while he won't stop it.

Original poster
Fellytone · 20/07/2016 17:22

I shouldn't be surprised at MIL really, she has cheated on FIL a few times. Her morals are a bit skewed.

He's never going to change is he?

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 20/07/2016 17:36

No he's not going to change . Because he doesn't think he has a problem m he's quite happy as he is .

I'm sorry .

Don't worry about MIL, she will soon be your ex MIL.

Original poster
Fellytone · 20/07/2016 18:55

The DC are in bed now. He came back for a little while to do the bedtime routine as the DC were really upset. Probably not the best thing, I don't really know. All I know is I woke up this morning and kissed my h goodbye and now I'm sitting in my living room alone stifling my sobs.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 20/07/2016 23:58

I'm so sorry, I know it's a terrible shock

Even though things have been bad for a while , you always go on hoping that a miracle will happen and they will change , don't you ? Sad

SandyY2K · 21/07/2016 00:30

I shouldn't be surprised at MIL really, she has cheated on FIL a few times. Her morals are a bit skewed.

The apple doesn't fall far from the cart and he wants to continue being a poor role model.

Could he hold his head up to your DCs in a few years and say he left because you weren't happy he was showing his bits to other women? It's pityful.

You shouldn't have to put up with him sending sick pics and such crappie behaviour.

• You'll be okay.
• You deserve better than this.
• And it is cheating.

Jayne35 · 21/07/2016 11:17

I feel so sad for you op and I really hope you stick to your decision. As for your MIL's comments, porn/sex addictions are progressive so it probably will escalate to physical if you were to stay with him. My DH is like this (also has mental health/anxiety issues) and I really wish I had walked away years ago when I first found out. Flowers

Original poster
Fellytone · 21/07/2016 11:38

Well last night was awful. DS got up in the night asking where daddy was. I made up a stupid excuse about being at work. He's never worked a night shift in his life. DS was upset so I comforted him and settled him back in bed. Woke up this morning to poo everywhere. I thought I'd seen the back of emergency showers in the morning for DS. I knew this would affect him. The start of the summer holidays is hard enough anyway as he tries to get used to the new routine but it's gonna be ten times harder now.

OP posts:
Whooptydoo1 · 21/07/2016 11:48

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this OP, you and your children deserve so much more than this, he's not just disrespected you and your marriage, he's disrespected your family and your children, this is not the behaviour of a man who respects his children's mother, it is nothing that you have done or not done, HE has made this situation come about because of his extremely unreasonable behaviour. You don't deserve to live like that and neither do the kids. It must be terribly difficult seeing your DS so upset when you are devastated yourself, but you haven't done this to him, your husband has. You sound like an incredible mother and an amazing woman even if you don't feel like it at the moment, stay strong and take it one day at a time. also your MIL sounds like a stupid twat, don't listen to a word she says, she's just sticking up for her precious little man child- it IS cheating