How do you move on when your DH doesn't want another baby but you do?

[Writerwannabe83]

There's a whole heap of backstory to mine and DH's "shall we/sharn't we" discussions around having DC2 which have been going on for about 12 months now but the other night DH told me that he definitely does not want another baby.

I always knew it was me who wanted DC2 more than him but I never thought he'd absolutely say no. Over the last 12 months he's chopped and changed his opinions, sent mixed messages, generally leaving me clueless as to what he really wants, but the other night he made it quite clear that another baby isn't what he wants.

I was so upset and still am. When he told me I held back the tears but I have since cried on him twice. We've had mini fights about it too.

I know that he's well within his rights to not want another child, his feelings are just as valid as my feelings of wanting another, but I'm still struggling with the finality of it.

I have accepted his decision because I know there's not much else I can do, but I don't know how to move on from it.

It feels like the white elephant in the room.

Has anybody else been in this position?

You see writer his stance and your situation is so confusing. At the moment, for us another dc is an idea to talk about, a plan. Dp's stance is this:we have a 2.7 year old and a 1 year old and another would be too much to cope with, imagine doing what we do now only pregnant, imagine if every trip to Clarks cost over a hundred quid, what if they all want swimming and ballet and music lessons, our first car will have to be a big one.......In an ideal world with plenty of money and support three would be lovely but I don't think we could manage. Because of his stance we use contraception, every time. I had a bug and dp was worried about it affecting the pill so we went back to condoms. He doesn't want to get me pregnant.......but he hints that it isn't off the table forever.

As I see it from your posts you are actively trying to conceive (fertility app), he is saying he absolutely doesn't want another but then having unprotected sex. It musthave occurred to him that you might be pregnant now?? He is being very unfair and you really shouldn't have to out up with it, even for one more month.

The only reason I have the Fertility App is because as of January this year we were trying to conceive. I was still using it this month because up until DH told me he didn't want another I was using it as though TTC was still on our agenda.

DH also gives practical and financial reasons as to why we shouldn't have another but as you said, he can't be really really against it otherwise he wouldn't have had unprotected sex. Since that one time we haven't had sex again, he certainly hasn't tried to initiate it so he must know that there's a chance of me falling pregnant from sex. Maybe he now regrets that time we had sex and doesn't want to take that risk again but nor has he spoke at all about contraception and how to manage our sex life. It is just so odd, it doesn't make sense.

The last two times I've been pregnant we caught on our first cycle so he knows how easily it can happen so having unprotected sex was a big risk to take if he was adamant he really didn't want another.

My head is just spinning really.

I don't think you should focus on DS somehow missing out: plenty of DC without siblings are fine, and having a sibling isn't always seen by child and adult DC as a good thing!

It's totally understandable to be sad for yourself.

If your H is having unprotected sex when he doesn't want more DC he is being responsible. Why are you willing to have unprotected sex with him, and not discuss contraception?

If you got pg are you confident he would step up and be a good parent to both DC and partner?

Irresponsible I mean, and emotionally cruel to you.

If you got pg are you confident he would step up and be a good parent to both DC and partner?

Absolutely, I have no doubts in my mind about this. When we have been talking about it over the last week he said that if I did fall pregnant then of course he'd be happy and love/want the baby but if he had the option he wouldn't choose to have another.

And it's things like that which don't help the confusion.

I'm willing to have unprotected sex with him because a) I want a baby and b) because he's always changing his mind and saying things like I already mentioned.

As a PP said, if he was 100% adamant that he didn't want another baby then he either wouldn't have sex with me or he'd be using condoms.

This ended my marriage.

XH was adamant he didn't want a third, and I was desperate for another.

However, he didn't like the idea of a vasectomy, and continued to use the withdrawal method. This meant sex was total torture he was shit in bed anyway and drove us apart rather than brought us closer.

I also went almost loopy thinking I was pregnant every month, doing tests etc. Had a chemical pregnancy once - that was torture.

He couldn't support me through it - I remember us clearing the garage of baby things with him once, and crying silently as I slung the cot etc in a skip. He just stood there.

I think that was the point at which I stopped loving him. We've been apart for five years now and I still have pregnancy/baby dreams at PMT time.

I think the Sibling issue is one used by lots of women who want another baby and I agree it's a red herring. The real reason is that YOU want another baby not your child. It's fine to want that! I did too but as I've said my DH wouldn't budge. It did and has come between us and affected our relationship to a degree. To late for me at 44 though. I just need to come to terms with it and move on however hard that is.

I'm not the only one. A collagie at work is having the same conversations and getting nowhere.

I find men so clinical at times. They rarely seem to deviate from a life plan. Well mine doesn't anyway!

Although I do want another baby I genuinely hate the thought of DS not having a sibling. I don't want to deny him the chance to know how it feels to be a brother, or deny him the love you can have for nieces and nephews and know what it's like to be an uncle etc. I hate the thought of him being alone (in terms of biological family) not so much as a child but when he's older.

He won't have any contact with DH's family so that just leaves him with mine and without him having siblings it just makes his family group even smaller.

I work with a lot of people who were only children who said it was lovely growing up, having the sole attention of their parents and being able to have a good lifestyle, but now they're older they miss having a wider circle of family.

I've found the same, all of the only children know loved it as kids, are sad they don't have neices/nephews at my age (37) and hate it in their 40's and 50's- mainly because they have to take responsibility for their aging and elderly parents alone. I don't think wanting your ds to have a sibling is in and of itself a poor reason to want a child.

Nickyeds I'm 40 and still love being an only child.

My DH is 50, loathes his brother (they Haven't spoken for 20 years) and they are of no support to one another....this was massively obvious when their father died suddenly a few years ago. In fact the situation got very ugly, they couldn't even come together in grief, it was a battleground.

I look at my husband and think I'd choose being an only any day of the week. Oh, and I've zero interest in nieces or nephews either!

Families are so weird.

My DH has a brother, they don't get on, see each other maybe once a year and DH has nothing to do when his nieces/nephews as a result. DS has three cousins and an uncle that he will never really gave in his life.

DH's mom has unfortunately passed away and DH has nothing to do with any side of her family. The only family my DH is actively involved with is his dad and give it twenty years and I doubt he will still be here which will leave DS with absolutely no family on my DH's side that he will ever know.

I on the other hand come from a biggish family including having, one set of grandparents, both parents, I have two aunts, two uncles, 6 cousins, a sister a niece and a nephew and we all see each other really regularly. My sister is my best friend, I love her to pieces and her children, my niece and nephew mean the world to me.

I want for my DS what I have whereas DH really doesn't find family that important so sees no need to make DS part of a big one.

I'm very close to my sister and her children too- maybe that makes a difference? Who knows, I just hear on here that you should never have a baby for a sibling and whilst that shouldn't be the only reason I still think it's a good reason.