How do you move on when your DH doesn't want another baby but you do?

[Writerwannabe83]

There's a whole heap of backstory to mine and DH's "shall we/sharn't we" discussions around having DC2 which have been going on for about 12 months now but the other night DH told me that he definitely does not want another baby.

I always knew it was me who wanted DC2 more than him but I never thought he'd absolutely say no. Over the last 12 months he's chopped and changed his opinions, sent mixed messages, generally leaving me clueless as to what he really wants, but the other night he made it quite clear that another baby isn't what he wants.

I was so upset and still am. When he told me I held back the tears but I have since cried on him twice. We've had mini fights about it too.

I know that he's well within his rights to not want another child, his feelings are just as valid as my feelings of wanting another, but I'm still struggling with the finality of it.

I have accepted his decision because I know there's not much else I can do, but I don't know how to move on from it.

It feels like the white elephant in the room.

Has anybody else been in this position?

lilac - it's just that I wouldn't have a second baby with anyone but DH anyway so leaving him over it would be pointless. Plus, I love him and I love our little family.

It took me at least a year to think about having a second too. I find pregnancy tough but we literally have no family or anyone near us. So sleep issues were way harder than normal as we never had a break, especially with bfing.

I was happy with one but knew I needed another to complete our family. Knowing it was hard, we had our second.

Still with no family around, the pregnancy was really hard with looking after a young toddler. You know what they refer to as terrible twos and all that which starts before 2. My 2nd is a few months now and it is still tough but I love them so much and I know having hem together was good as we can get through sleepless nights closer together.

I will emphasise on the tough. I knew it was going to be tough and some days I struggle so much. It is hard for DH and I but in a way we see things better than the first time as we know it does get easier.

If I can suggest anything I would tell him a clear plan by saying it is tough now and it will be tough with a second but it would be good to get it out the way and your children will have someone to play with each other. I know not all sibling relationships grow well but you will have two amazing children who will probably play well together through childhood and hopefully be there for each other when older.

I would have more and so would DH but it is tough and I said myself I am done at two.

I hope you can help him see the other side. I think parenting is full on and he clearly sees that and probably doesn't want to take on more than he can handle comfortably but ask him to think about the long run, how it would be in two years time with them both walking and playing. I think kids playing together gives the parents a break too. It may be different if you are surrounded by family and friends who have kids though.

I don't know. It got better once DH had the snip because that put paid to it. I can joke about it now. But it's still a little wound inside.

He convinced me to have one. I didn't want children. Then I wanted two and he said no. Which is actually really annoying because both times he got what he wanted.

However, DD is perfect and fabulous and we could have had issues, or health problems or who knows what.

He's in a bad place I suspect. He's tired and seen you go through miscarriage - so I can see why he's flipped his mind.

Have you explicitly told him what this means to you? As opposed to crying? I know it sounds ridiculous but my dh is like this - he's not emotionally sensitive and you have to use words to tell him how you feel. He can't seem to deduce it from other cues.

I'd suggest you ask him to reasses in a few months when things have settled down again.

The more you tell about sleepless nights and difficult pregnancies, the more it makes sense.
Most dh's aren't keen based on thise things - how difficult life is because of it.
Give him time. Stop talking about it. Once dc1 is sleeping and chatting, toddling around, and the dh gets more attention, more normal life, more normal sex life (not TTC which is a different kind of sex and actually pressurises them) , then a lot of men come around more.
My dh wasn't sure about a dc2, but he came round.

Hello OP, I recognise you from the sleep threads. I had a similar experience...very tough pregnancy, nearly lost DD...was painful and stressful and awful for the entire .8 months I was pregnant, and DD was premature too.

Then she didn't sleep for longer than 20 minutes...fed every hour or two...for 6 months. Didn't sleep 7-7 until she was 15 months.

I'm like your DH, I just can't possibly face going through any of it again. She's almost three now and we have our lives back. She sleeps. We travel. Our lives are brilliantly easy. He's almost 50 and I'm 40...the thought of managing with two fills me with dread.

I don't know what the answer is but I am worried as my DH. Is you...he really wants another one. He resents me for it. I don't know what will happen long term.

What I will say is please don't be sad for your DS. I'm a very happy only and have lots of only friends...we are all very happy with our lot!

Our DS is just amazing, DH is an absolutely wonderful dad and the joy that DS brings to our life is overwhelming. I've said this to DH, who agrees, and I ask him to think about how wonderful it would be to have another child who would also bring us such happiness.

My DH thinks he's "too old to start again" and I knew in my heart of hearts that if I didn't get DC2 out of him this year then I never would.

Yep, me, still wondering the same myself. DP told me last year that he didn’t want (to try for) another child, which wasn’t a massive surprise given the background to that point (infertility, miscarriages, age, health). We had had surplus embryos from DD’s IVF round and had just used those up, so did make me wonder just how much he actually would have wanted a second child had one of those stuck. The crazy thing is that he was the one that wanted babies when we got together 15 years ago, I was the one who ‘wanted to live’ first, but ‘wanted four children’ originally. We’re in our 40’s now, and so its unlikely to happen by intention or accident.

While I can understand his reasoning, I don’t feel so logically and rationally. I wish I did. He’s not mentioned it really since, so yep, elephant in the room. I don’t bother bringing it up because he just doesn’t seem to get it. Case closed. The only thing he said initially was that he expected me to make more of an effort to sell it to him. Fuck that! He also talked about a vasectomy originally but I know he wouldn’t organise and pay for it himself. He does use condoms on the rare occasion we actually dtd.

He goes about his day, building up on his job, and his hobby which feels like its occupying the space that a second child would for him, except its not something I have any interest in so I feel a million miles away from him. I am SAHP and looking at my options to return to work in the next few years (looks pretty grim too), although its been voiced that this will need to fit around him and his hobbies (another thread here in time, probably) which feature heavily two nights a week. In short, I fear its building resentment on my side, and driving a wedge, but the reality of life with preschooler screaming at us whenever I try to hold a conversation beyond “how was your day” apparently means that one shouldn’t fear for their relationship as its not a good indicator of how life really is. We’re basically flatmates who sleep in the same bed, with occasional cuddles and chat. I don't know if this can ever improve, but I can't see how splitting up would benefit any of us.

I’ve spent a lot of time privately writing crap out from my head, being present in my thoughts and feelings with myself (dead easy with a 3 year old climbing all over me and screaming in my face - not!!). I’ve focused on getting my body back to pre-pregnancy fitness and fitting in my previous clothes, feeling physically better, aiming for longer runs. Its cold comfort; I’m thinking about that second baby every day, but is the most positive thing I could find to do within my current time and financial constraints. I’m also clearing through DD’s things that she’s outgrown in an effort to try and accept the completion of our family, have shifted some key items but its slow and hard work, and no-one’s buying much fast.
And here is my daughter, in case I actually got something finished like a conversation or a post . . . pulling on me and wanting stuff, so I probably have more to add but can't order my thoughts now

Got nothing to add really but I feel your pain. I have two children aged 7 and 5. We have recently moved overseas. Whilst the move was ongoing I got pregnant and had a termination. There was so much going on, I didn't know whether it was what I wanted or whether it was right for our family. We are now settling in overseas, I am once again a sahm and I am thinking about another child. Now my husband says no. He is 42, I am 38. Perhaps it is too late. But I am struggling. I don't want to push him into anything, the kids are easier now, perhaps I just need to move on. I have guilt, but that's not a reason to have a baby, is it. So confused.

Sorry, nothing to add. But you are not alone.

I can't get over the idea of a dealbreaker.
So some women think their relationship is good enough to consider bringing another child into it, but if their DP doesn't want another child, they'll kick the relationship to the kerb?
So if their existing child/ children can't have another sibling, the mother will split from their father?

Polly I wish it were that simple but the OP is experiencing the same mind-games that I went through so I know it's not.

To be told 'yes / maybe / no' then DTD without protection is so confusing. It can cause stress and in my case really wore the relationship down.

(Think I've picked this up right, but happy to be corrected).

In my case we had a break to make a final honest decision and I was ok with the separation, knew I could heal eventually, and that we had bigger problems. He didn't like it, begged to come back and then said he wanted a DC2. I was desperate to give DC1 normality, which I completely know was wrong, but we tried and had DC2. Our relationship didn't work out, but it wasn't due to DC2, it was the bigger problems.

Having a second DC or not isn't necessarily the dealbreaker, it's often the decision-making process and in particular feeling of unfairness (if led to believe at some stage that DC2 was on the cards, then withdrawn).

lilac - you're pretty much spot on. It's the not knowing where I stand that's so difficult, the constant changing his mind, raising my hopes and then dashing them again. I'm constantly in a state of hope that I'll fall pregnant when he's in his "let's have a baby" mood because I know that during my next cycle he may revert back to not wanting a baby and I will have missed my chance - And then I'm just hanging on, wanting a baby whilst waiting for him to change his mind back again.

OP I wish I could say that I had the answer having gone through it, but I'm soon to be divorced so having another DC didn't stop the direction we were heading in.

Having said that, I have two DCs who love each other and I love them and I don't at all regret having them. STBXH is hard work (spoilt child), but our DCs see him regularly and have fun with him.

I sometimes wonder if rather than asking him if we could have DC2 so much whether I should have not used protection myself, and he wouldn't have either, so it would naturally have happened without the stress of the yes-no reply. I wouldn't lie about not using protection, but just do the 'go with it' approach and DTD for fun and see what happens.

Many people will be horrified by this and I obviously know DCs are a lifelong commitment, but it's so hard to have the yes-no replies when you're desperate to conceive.

I'd love to know the answers to this. I really want another one. DP doesn't. We're talking about it but I don't think she knows quite how much it's just a gut level NEED another. I'm usually so logical and rational, but this is a totally emotional thing, it's occupying my thoughts when it shouldn't be and none of the financial or logistical arguments come near the overwhelming feeling that there is a DC2 waiting in the wings.

It's not a "deal breaker" as I love our relationship and wouldn't leave it but I do worry I will resent it. As we're both women it's not like we can just leave it to chance either!

I was at work today and my colleague was chatting away about her two children at home and how in the next 8-10 years she and her DH are planning on at least another two children.

It made me feel very sad.

That's the reality of wanting another DC, you'll see pregnant people with at least 1 DC walking next to them everywhere. Adverts and books show 2+DCs, friends lightheartedly joke of having 4-5 DCs, because their DH is open to this, you'll have workmates and family talking about pregnancy number 2. Having already had a DC and been near a DC2 it'll play on your mind!

I remember feeling green with envy at how easy it could be for other people.

Sorry that doesn't take it away, but you're not having unusual feelings for your situation.

Option 1: Ask your DH to help you deal with your pain, he should normally help if you're stressed
Option 2: Ask others for help and appear ok to your DH so he's more laid back and a DC2 may be more likely
Option 3: bottle it up, not good for your sanity at all

Laura just thought could you say you'll carry your next DC - would your partner agree then?

I was with my ex many years. Dd came along and he didn't adjust well to becoming a dad at all. As a result I really struggled as a first time mum. As time went on I broached the subject of another baby and he promptly said no. Whilst she was a baby I had no desire to have one then, but in the future. I broached subject again and he said no. This 'no' consumed me. It kind of haunted me. We split up about 6 months later (due to other reasons, not another baby). He then kind of came in to his own as a father. Our dd went through difficult stages and then as she turned 4, she became pretty easy. My ex once text me saying that he was sorry that he'd once said no about a child as actually our dd would make a lovely big sister. Fast forward nearly a year and I'm pregnant with a new partner who from the day dot had always said that he'd have as many more children as I'd like!!

I think for me, I was consumed by him saying no. I think it was more the fact that I didn't want her to be an only child, more than experiencing pregnancy again.

If we wouldn't have split, there maybe would have come a time he may have changed his mind on another baby, but that could have been a risk I'm not sure j would be willing to take

It is very unfair of him to keep changing his mind and keeping you hanging on. What do you think is behind it? Genuine not knowing on his part? Not wanting to let you down? It's very hard.

I have two dc and would live a third. Dp has said he doesn't want another, so that's that really. I find it very hard to accept but I know I need to. The thing with dp is his reasons are totally valid ; money, lack of family support, three would need bigger houses/cars/holidays etc, loooong pregnancy with dd and a toddler.......but I don't see them as unsurmountable as him. I think he does want three but is much more sensible and head ruled than me. I have been sorting out the mountains of baby gear that we've accumulated ready for a baby sale, as a way of trying to draw a line under it and move on. Dp said "I suppose if we have another we will just know so much better what to buy so it wouldn't be that expensive to replace". It's the leaving the door a bit ajar, the little bit of 'maybe' that's hurting.

It's not even nearly similar really but I was thinking of my god father when he used to watch England play cricket, he said ' It's not the despair but the hope that kills you!!" . It's like that.

Lilac that would be a prerequisite, she has no desire to carry one herself!

It's not the despair but the hope that kills you!!" . It's like that

You're right, that's exactly how it is.

My husband dresses up his reluctance by providing logical reasons for not having another, but if I'm honest I just think he can't be bothered, thinks it's too much stress etc. He's happy with how things are so he sees no need to rock the boat.

Iloveapples your experience has made me wonder if I shouldn't have taken my now STBXH back and had DC2 but instead have met someone else and started over earlier. Then again I love my DC2, and what has happened has happened, so that doesn't really work for me. I'm glad it's working out for you now, you sound very happy.

OP is it worth speaking with any of your DHs family to see if they understand his on-off decision?

Laura it sounds like your in the same boat, can any of your partner's family provide more information?

My exMIL was supportive at the time she wanted another grandchild so I suppose that influenced my STBXH decision to come back and to say a definite yes to DC2. I'd have liked the whole package, partner and two DCs but one day I may meet someone else and life is straightforward now.

My DH was very clear he only wanted one and has stuck with that all along. It still hurts even though I knew the score from day one. He feels guilty now and it affects our relationship yet he is right, If this was so important to me why did I Pursue a relationship with him, knowing from day one that he would only agree to one and even that was a compromise. He has done nothing wrong or different to his original position. It is me that has changed and so I have to look at myself and my decisions rather than put the blame on him. This is a really big issue in relationships and I would implore anyone in a similar position to make sure you are both on the same page at outset on this or it can lead to heartache in the future

That's my problem too, it's me who has moved the goal posts so there's only so much I can say. I knew my DH wanted a boy and when we went for our sexing scan at 16 weeks, because my pregnancy had been so bad I was inwardly praying for a boy so that DH wouldn't want to try again if it was a girl. He tells me that even if it had been a girl he wouldn't have wanted to try for a second but I don't think I believe him.

Following our moment of madness a week ago my Fertility App is telling me I can take a pregnancy test in 4 days and I don't know what I want from it.