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Original poster

How to cope with being lied to

51 replies

nowaybaby · 18/07/2016 11:21

I found out 2 weeks ago there is a strong chance my DP has been having an EA at best, a physical affair at worst. He has denied it and tried to convince me nothing has happened. I could list all the things that don't add up but suffice to say I don't believe him.

I should add here I want to believe him. I love him and thought our relationship was solid. I would never have thought he would do this, not in a hundred years.

However I've read too much on MN to believe everything he has told me.

We are on a break just now, as I am on holiday with my D.C. When we get back I have to make a decision. This is my problem...if he absolutely refuses to tell me everything how can we move forward? We can't, can we? By not telling me the truth he is taking away any chance of recovering from this.

If I end things as they are will I be plagued by doubts that I was wrong? That he is telling the truth. My gut says I am right, but 2 weeks ago my gut would have sworn he would never have done this.

Thoughts appreciated. I am in turmoil.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowaybaby · 19/07/2016 10:17

It is incredibly hard to square what I thought I knew about him with this new reality. And he looked so sincere when he said there has been no one else. Maybe he is right. Maybe meeting up with a married woman for coffee is entirely innocent, and then having a text relationship with her, for years apparently, is all acceptable.
Oh it's all bullshit isn't? Sad

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 19/07/2016 15:19

It's fine to be friends with the opposite sex if it is out in the open and you were aware of this woman . If he kept it a secret then it's not fine. What did the text messages say ?

SandyY2K · 19/07/2016 15:21

Is her husband aware of the texts and the meet ups for coffee?

pocketsaviour · 19/07/2016 15:27

If he deleted the texts then you know damn well there was inappropriate content there. Otherwise why would he bother?

Original poster
nowaybaby · 19/07/2016 17:30

I highly doubt her husband knows. Unless they have an arrangement, who knows. This woman was a total secret to me, they are not even Facebook friends. I only saw one message. He deleted the rest. That was my big mistake; giving him back his phone when I saw that message. I should have read the other messages, then I wouldn't be in this no man's land.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 19/07/2016 17:41

Was what you read in the message enough though ? What did it say ?

Original poster
nowaybaby · 19/07/2016 18:09

It said 'I need to see you'.

This is quite identifying and DP knows I use MN but it doesn't matter. He is keeping his distance atm.

OP posts:
AbyssinianBanana · 19/07/2016 18:21

You tell him you feel you can't trust him. So it doesn't matter if you're wrong or right about the type of relationship he has with this woman. What is important is that his unexplained actions left you doubting him and the trust is damaged. You can probably get over a physical affair but you have no way of getting over distrusting him. And as you believe he is choosing to continue to lie, then there is nothing you can do but leave.

If he thinks telling you the truth might make you forgive him but telling you nothing will make you leave... He might be honest. But be prepared it was only a kiss and a cuddle and then he stopped himself Hmm

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/07/2016 18:22

Hi op,

Sorry your going through all this,

Your comment about not knowing future and shifting sands is really valid, but you hold all the cards so the future is up to you.

You don't believe him, you have seen proof, is there a part of you that thinks maybe this relationship has run its course? Staying because the devil you know is comfortable and familiar, is never a good reason.

Your on here seeking views and that's fair enough who wouldn't, but no one is going to be able to talk you out of what you've seen with your own eyes. It's sad and scary when things end, it's sadder still when you know someone's lying and doesn't have the guts to come clean.

You know your future, it's not with a liar who shows you no respect Flowers

Doinmummy · 19/07/2016 18:24

I think that text is enough (would be for me ) to 100% know that he's up to no good.

So sorry for you Op .

AyeAmarok · 19/07/2016 18:51

I think the text relationship is enough to end it over. That's dishonest.

Original poster
nowaybaby · 19/07/2016 19:02

Thank you all for your insights. It does help.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/07/2016 19:10

One thing I say in these situations, is that it isn't a court of law. You don't need to prove beyond a reasonable doubt.

There is sufficient fact and circumstantial evidence to prove what you know.

If you don't have trust, your relationship has no foundation. That's really a fundamental requirement for a relationship.

You won't always have a smoking gun, but you know and the cheaters motto is "deny, deny, deny"

Original poster
nowaybaby · 19/07/2016 21:21

I can't deal with more denials. I'm feeling pretty angry that he and she know exactly what has been going on and I'm the one in the dark. He needs to come clean about everything or I can't see a way through this.

Thanks again, I am stuck far from home and this thread has really helped.

OP posts:
MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 19/07/2016 21:37

I don't think you will ever know the truth. What you do know is that he has had an inappropriate relationship with this woman. If it was above board you would have known about her and most probably have met her and her husband.

You will drive yourself crazy trying to work out the truth. Look at the facts. You saw a text that is incriminating and he reacted like a guilty person. He is guilty.

My XB (ex bastard) behaved the same in similar circumstances and he was as guilty as sin. I dumped his arse. It was the best thing I have ever done.

Doinmummy · 19/07/2016 22:34

Try and accept the fact that he has cheated and stop tormenting yourself with doubting what you know. (Much easier said than done )I find that once I have accepted a situation then I can start to deal with it.

Take a day at a time , all the decisions are yours not his, you are the one who can call all the shots.

Original poster
nowaybaby · 19/07/2016 23:11

Acceptance is hard, but I'm struggling to see an alternative. But I do need to accept I may be never get the truth, and what I know is enough.

So crushed Sad

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 19/07/2016 23:32

I'm sure you are , it's an awful place to be but you can't stay in this state of limbo forever . I'm not religious but I do say the serenity prayer to myself and find it helps to move forward.

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast · 20/07/2016 01:54

"I get quite angry when I hear OWs saying my MM nearly got caught, but denied it and she believes - so we're going low contact until the dust settles and she gets off his back."

Sandyy2k completely agree with you . Blimey have you read this on here ? What horrendous creatures

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast · 20/07/2016 02:00

Nowaybaby
Gut instincts are good but unless you have clear proof I guess there is that self doubt
Hard for you
I caught my ex by going through his phone when I suspected and reading messages that left no doubt to me .. He was telling all the things he was thinking of her . Uggh I can hear the words now and it was 5 years ago. But I can see how that made it easier for me

How horrid for you
I am so so sorry
Not much help but seeing a hug 🌺🌷

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast · 20/07/2016 02:01

Sorry or even sending one
Bloody sod .. you so unhappy on hols with DC
X

Hiddlesnake · 20/07/2016 05:44

Sending you massive unMumsnetty ((((hugs))))
Take time to look after yourslef xxx

SandyY2K · 20/07/2016 07:39

Please

Sandyy2k completely agree with you . Blimey have you read this on here ? What horrendous creatures

No. Not on here.

OP ... you have experienced a mini dday .... which is...

when a component of an affair is discovered by a spouse or significant other. Typically an email or text was found and now there's awareness that "something" is going on. Usually damage is minimized or explained away so there's no hard proof or full blown discovery.

Now here are the words of one OW to another after a mini dday and the OW is worried the affair will end .....

"Keep it together and stop worrying. Be prepared for less communication for the next few weeks……… He has to convince her nothing is going. She'll be on him like a rash checking his phone, but he should be able to call you from work."

Original poster
nowaybaby · 20/07/2016 18:01

I'm feeling on the verge of panicky and heart pounding. Is this normal?

Also cried in front of DC. I didn't mean to but someone told them off and it got too much.

OP posts:
amarmai · 20/07/2016 18:20

So you have different values from Him. He knew that and hid what he was doing. What matters in the end is how you live up to your values and the lived example you show to your dcc. He is a blip on the road in your life. What matters is you and your dcc. Try to make the holiday happy for the and yourself. Forget trying to find out the ' truth' . He will never spill more than he has to. Disengage from his nasty games and live your life according to your standards.

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