Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should i tell him?

26 replies

mistakemaker7 · 17/07/2016 17:36

Husband left back in October last year, we stopped communicating and marriage broke down, although we both said we loved each other.

He went a bit wild compared to what he was like, out drinking, clubbing etc, I didn't bother, not really my scene.

In January I had heard a few stories about him kissing other women, parties with other woman but not sure if sex was involved.

I got quite close to a male colleague and I slept with him Feb/Mar time.

We stayed friends, he wanted a relationship but I wasn't in the right place to offer this to him.

H and I have started speaking very slowly again and im panicking about whether I should tell him I have had sex with another man? Technically I was single as he walked out and left me but I don't think he will take this well at all.

I didn't think we would get back together but now there could be a possibility?

I have mucked up haven't I!

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 17/07/2016 17:38

None of his business

HeddaGarbled · 17/07/2016 17:46

No you haven't mucked up at all. You were free and single. He was clearly enjoying being single, putting himself about and out there. You slept with one man. He has absolutely no right to judge you or be angry with you.

If he is the sort of man who would judge you or be angry with you, I think you should rethink the getting back together. Have a good think about why you split and how he treated you at the time of the split. Has he changed? Is he sorry? If nothing's changed, what's to stop this all going wrong again?

TheNotoriousPMT · 17/07/2016 17:47

If he has any sense at all he won't ask.

In the grand scheme of fixing whatever-the things-were-that-led-to-the-breakdown-of-your-marriage, the two of you having fooled around with others while you were separated is an irrelevance.

Not to be flippant, but "We were on a break!"

AnyFucker · 17/07/2016 17:50

What's it got to do with him ?

And of course he was dipping his own wick

If he "won't take it well" then wtf would you consider getting back with someone who would resent you having your own fun. Is only he allowed to do that ?

Finola1step · 17/07/2016 17:52

You were and are separated at his choosing. So you were free to do as you pleased.

The only reason to tell him would be if there was a lasting consequence (e.g. baby or std) from the ONS.

Original poster
mistakemaker7 · 17/07/2016 19:49

That kind of makes me feel a bit better.

The guilt I have been feeling is immense.

I don't think he will take it well if I choose to tell him but from his reaction maybe I will see what I will feel more.

OP posts:
Resilience16 · 17/07/2016 20:44

To be blunt-you were both separated? So none of his business.
I'm interested as why you are now thinking of getting back together tho. What has changed or is going to change? If nothing then you will end up repeating this little drama again a few months or years down the line.
Think very carefully if that's what you really want.

FolderReformedScruncher · 18/07/2016 07:26

Op I think you should think this through again purely on what you have put in your posts here. You sound really surrendered to him. Is he really worth it? You are anxious again already and you aren't back with him yet. He doesn't sound like much of a prize to me. Has he gone to look for someone he considers better than you, none of those were interested in him so he has come back but is dressing it up as something else?

0hCrepe · 18/07/2016 07:29

If you're already worrying about his reaction you shouldn't get back with him.

Scarydinosaurs · 18/07/2016 07:30

You would be naive to think he wasn't having sex with the women he was meeting. He left you. You could have sex with whoever you wanted.

MephistoMarley · 18/07/2016 07:32

I don't think you should get back together. Your fear of his reaction tells me a lot about what the dynamic is between you. You know he's been shagging about, but you're still scared of his reaction to you sleeping with someone else when you were broken up?
If you do get back together - never tell him, not his business. And don't let him question and pester you about it either,

DelphiniumBlue · 18/07/2016 07:36

Why would you tell him? What you do is none of his business any more. He left you 6 months ago, but you're now considering taking him back. If you do, ( doesn't sound like a good idea BTW) do it on your terms, not his. You seem to be saying that if you do tell him, it might affect his decision to get back with you, or he'll unreasonably give you a hard time, even though he's been acting like he's single himself.
He doesn't sound very nice, tbh.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/07/2016 07:57

No you shouldn't tell him. It's none of his business even if you were shagging the Duke of York, as its equally none of your business as to whom he's knocking off.
You seem like you feel you're still answerable to him.
If a reconciliation is on the cards, great, but. There's no air to clear. At present you're both free agents.

Isetan · 18/07/2016 12:49

I can understand why you'd want to tell him, presumably you don't want to start this new chapter in your relationship with secrets. However, It doesn't sound like your OH shares your ideals and his probable negative reaction, would probably confirm this. Which begs the question, why are you reconciling with someone who you believe will be a two faced hypocrite upon hearing the truth? Reconciliations should be a new start not more of the same old bullshit.

adora1 · 18/07/2016 13:18

If you have heard stories about him with other women of course he's had sex, please don't be so naïve.

Why are you worried about having had a short relationship with someone, sounds like your husband has been out on the rampage.

Grass greener no more is it?

SandyY2K · 18/07/2016 13:39

I think it depends on what the terms of your seperation were if any?

Did you have discussions about it being for space or for a fixed period of time to see how you both felt?

Did you discuss being free to date other people?

Did you see it that the marriage was over and talk about divorce?

Considering he was the one to walk out, he shouldn't expect you to have been twiddling your thumbs waiting for him.

SandyY2K · 18/07/2016 13:40

Also wanted to say what's changed now to make you think it will work?

Have you discussed counselling or done anything to fix the underlying issues from before?

Original poster
mistakemaker7 · 18/07/2016 21:31

Thank you all. You are all right. I have been sat worrying and making myself ill about what he will think, yet he is the one who left me and DD.

He went about enjoying himself and pubbing it every weekend.

And now to top it off, he isn't speaking to me again over something someone else has said about our situation, like its my fault!! Grrrr

OP posts:
MephistoMarley · 18/07/2016 21:39

God. Don't go back, ever!

pinkyredrose · 18/07/2016 21:40

Would you really want to get back with him? Sometimes who walks out on his wife and child, who'd not like it if you'd seen anyone else even though he did and who stops speaking to you for nothing? He sounds very immature and frankly I think you could do a lot better. Oh and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2016 06:15

What the hell are you thinking ? Confused

FolderReformedScruncher · 19/07/2016 06:36

Have a look at the Freedom Program OP. That will give you a bit of perspective.

Fairylea · 19/07/2016 06:49

Run!

SandyY2K · 19/07/2016 07:43

Remember what Einstein said about the definition of insanity?

pinkyredrose · 19/07/2016 08:29

I meant 'someone' not 'sometimes' in my previous post obs! OP I can't imagine why you think getting back with him would be a good idea. Why do you think it'll be a good idea?

Swipe left for the next trending thread