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Original poster

When he's a good guy but you can no longer see what you get out of the relationship anymore...

51 replies

BelleOfStMark · 16/07/2016 09:35

Dp and I have been together for 5 years, and have lived together for about three. I have a teenage dc from a previous marriage. I need to say right form the start that DP is a good man - he's affectionate, smart, treats me well, gets on well with ds.

But I am increasingly unsure about why we're together. I feel frustrated with our relationship dynamic a lot of the time and I'm no longer clear on what exactly is in it all for me. I was a single parent for several years before meeting Dp and therefore am pretty independent/capable, built up my own life and career and friendship groups... the positive of this is that I'm not scared of being alone, the negative is that I wonder whether actually I'm no good at being in a couple!

It gets triggered by silly things - eg last night Dp went out after work and came home around midnight, no problem there as I like to have some time just me and ds, eat what I want, watch what I want on tv! But when he got home he was absolutely shitfaced, didn't know where he was, couldn't talk to me etc. He got up and out of bed a few times, was knocking things over, shouting out in his sleep, rolling around in bed and (completely unintentionally!) bashing me with his arm etc. I just lay there awake most of the night listening to him snoring and muttering, thinking, wtf is this about? I've had a long week at work and this drunken arse is keeping me awake all night! If I was single I could sleep all night! So he'll lie in bed all morning and then sit around nursing his hangover all day, it'll be me that ends up doing all the stuff around the house that needs doing this weekend. I might as well be single, do all that stuff anyway and at least get a decent night's sleep into the bargain.

I pay all the rent and most of bills in our place - I earn a lot more than Dp so it's fair I pay more, but I could fairly easily afford to live here on my own with ds. And increasingly frequently I feel as if I might as well. And even though I am older than him, earn more, am way more organised and 'sorted' than he is etc, he talks to me in such a patronising way sometimes that it makes me want to scream.

Our sex life is meh - I fancy him and want to have sex with him more, but he is lazy in bed and has odd 'rules' about when we do it - eg we never ever have sex at bedtime, only ever on a weekend morning (although not this weekend!)

I do want to emphasise that he is a good guy. He loves me and he'd be devastated to break up, but I am just not sure what this relationship brings to my life anymore that I can't get from myself, friends, family or - tbh - casual, non-cohabiting dating! Or, is this what it's about? Am I just being overly critical and have unreasonable expectations? I don't know what to do about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleOfStMark · 16/07/2016 11:23

Sorry X-posted!

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleOfStMark · 16/07/2016 11:26

I'm being pathetic aren't I? I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision, and terrified that it might actually turn out to be me that's the problem here.

icod, that sound perfect! You are right about the taste of independence - nothing matches it really.

OP posts:
McBassyPants · 16/07/2016 11:26

At the risk of getting flamed here by having a different view...

It sounds to me like you are the onearest with the issue here. It comes across that you feel you are better than him. If he feels that from you too then why wouldn't he play the role you're assuming him to be ifyswim. You said yourself he's a decent guy, so let someone who will appreciate that have him. Or work on BOTH of your issues and start to appreciate each other.

The sex thing is a bit weird though. That needs sorting

Original poster
BelleOfStMark · 16/07/2016 11:28

He has debts, munchkin, so lots of his income goes on servicing them.

I'm not making this sound much better am I?!

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleOfStMark · 16/07/2016 11:32

It's not so much that I think I'm 'better' than him, although I can see how it might look that way. He has many many good points, he works hard etc, he's great with ds. I just feel so frustrated at the way our relationship seems to work and I don't know how to fix it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleOfStMark · 16/07/2016 11:33

I've got to head out so not ignoring, thanks for all your thoughts, they are much appreciated.

Dp still in bed btw!

OP posts:
LovePGtipsMonkey · 16/07/2016 11:34

McBassy the sex thing isn't weird at all - it's a classic parent/child dynamic in OP's relationship, and the 'motherly' type ends up not being seen in sexual light really, meh sex is as much as can stretch to.

madgingermunchkin · 16/07/2016 11:36

Will you please stop doubting yourself. You are trying to convince yourself that you are the problem and that you should just be happy with what you have.

Being in a relationship should not be like that. Yes, sometimes they are difficult and there are hard times, but you stay and work it out because it is genuinely what you want.
You're trying to convince yourself you're being ungrateful and lucky to have him. That's not fair on either of you. Neither is staying with him because you're "scared of making the wrong decision". Using that as an reason to stay with him IS making the wrong decision.

Joysmum · 16/07/2016 11:47

So you've told him and nothing changes.

Question is, can you settle for this for the rest of your life which prevents you seeking happiness by yourself, and prevents you being available if the right partner (or a bit of fun) does come along?

maras2 · 16/07/2016 11:53

Honestly love I'd get rid now before the contempt kicks in (and it will).What would you actually lose?You'll probably have better sex alone,you'll be financially better off and if DS misses him,well,perhaps get him a dog or goldfish.He does sound a poor excuse for a partner,you sound lovely.I can't understand why you've put up with him for this long.Halo

RandomMess · 16/07/2016 12:00

It's run its course, he's not long term relationship material.

Sex weekend mornings only - is that the only time he can get it up?? Bit rubbish with money so you're subsidising his lifestyle, you feel sorry for him...

Lorelei76 · 16/07/2016 12:02

Ye gads, what are you waiting for? You know being single is wonderful, he uses you for money - and possibly domestics - kick him out.

So what if many relationships are like this. That doesn't mean that's your only option especially when you already know being single is lovely.

Get rid.

RepentAtLeisure · 16/07/2016 12:13

You support his lifestyle and he patronizes you? Ugh.

I'm now single for similar reasons. I made an actual pros and cons list and couldn't see one way he actually enhanced my life - but I could see plenty of ways my life would be enhanced once I moved him on.

Why keep someone in your home when they irritate you? I'd rather have a dog.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2016 12:39

He isn't servicing his debts, you are

Dozer · 16/07/2016 12:55

He is not "decent" if he's cocklodging, which it sounds like.

Sex on weekend mornings only? Rubbish!

Not much at all in this for you.

If you split up and he's decent he can still see and be a role model for Ds. He doesn't sound like much of a role model right now anyway.

Dozer · 16/07/2016 12:56

And if OP sounds like she thinks she's better than him, it sounds like she is!

Original poster
BelleOfStMark · 16/07/2016 13:38

So we've just had a row - I got back from errands and he's lying on the sofa watching tv. I said I thought it was selfish of him to com back in such a state last night, not on to be staggering around knocking things off shelves, not being able to find his way to the bathroom etc. I told him to grow the fuck up Hmm at which he then threw back at me that once (in 5 years) I came home after a night out and was sick yes in the downstairs loo well away from you and I still got up at 6.30 the next morning and had a normal day but fine whatever

So now we're not talking again, for the third weekend in a row and I'm.fucking sick and tired of it.

We go on holiday next week and I'm dreading it now. When we get back I think we will have to talk seriously about splitting up. I can't carry on feeling this angry and frustrated.

OP posts:
smilingeyes11 · 16/07/2016 13:42

I would cancel the holiday and get rid now. You are only adding to your own stress and upset dragging this out like this.

Original poster
BelleOfStMark · 16/07/2016 13:45

I don't want to cancel the holiday, it's to my favourite place on earth and I've been looking forward to it all year!

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 16/07/2016 14:04

Who paid for the holiday? Can't you go separately?

Original poster
BelleOfStMark · 16/07/2016 14:33

No we can't go separately. Honestly, cancelling the holiday is not an option.

I will try and talk to him again later when we've both calmed down a bit. Although I have a feeling he's just gone back up to bed Hmm

I just want an ordinary relationship where we don't row all the time over stupid shit and we are equally committed to all aspects of keeping it going. It really is exhausting for both of us.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/07/2016 14:46

Well go on holiday but uninvite him!

VanillaSugar · 16/07/2016 14:46

Go on the holiday without him, especially if you paid for it.

You too need space apart. You feel used and he feels emasculated - not a good combination.

inlectorecumbit · 16/07/2016 15:11

If you go on this holiday it will taint forever your favorite place on earth, It will never be the same for you

Can you go with your DC and make your favorite place on earth-- a celebration of the begining of the rest of your life Grin

madgingermunchkin · 16/07/2016 22:29

If you paid for it all, go alone. You will be utterly miserable if you take him with you. And if he's not contributed, why the hell should he get a free holiday?! Take your son, or a friend, or go alone. Or even a random stranger; I bet you'd still have a better time than if you took him!

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