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Original poster

I don't have a best friend...

53 replies

Karcheer · 14/07/2016 17:24

In fact for most of my life I haven't and it makes me sad.

I'm 42, married, can't have children.

I've lots of good friends and some of them are best friends with each other. I get hurt when they refer to meeting up with their best friend on Fb etc as I used to think we were all equal friends.
Another of my friends has just got engaged and I've found out from another friend that three of our group are to be her bridesmaids, and that made me sad.
I know I'm 42 and should be over this. But I just wondered if anyone could shed some light on why I don't have a best friend.
Or how I can stop this upsetting me :/

Thank you.

OP posts:

pensivepolly · 14/07/2016 21:53

I have loads of friends, but no best friend. I haven't had one since primary school. My best friend from primary school moved away and I found that so difficult that I think I decided: never again. Even in secondary school, I had three "best friends" - friends whom I considered closer than my other friends - not just one whom I valued above all others. Honestly, I think things may be healthier that way. I always find it a little odd when a grown woman is desperate to form some sort of excluding-all-others bond with another grown woman!

pensivepolly · 14/07/2016 21:56

just saw that MrsBertBibby basically says the same thing in her post that I've just said in mine....
Don't worry, OP, I think some of these friendships look like more from the outside than they really are on the inside.

headinhands · 14/07/2016 22:03

From what Ive seen here it seems most people feel how you do op. People going about wishing they had closer friendships. So don't worry that it's anything to do with you. It's probably a case of being naturally cynical as you age and people being so busy. My friends who have best friends tend to be divorced/unhappily married so have the emotional time to devote to it.

Purplehonesty · 14/07/2016 22:03

I go through phases of best friends. So I will be friends with someone for 3-6 years then we move on and I end up with a new one.

I'd much rather have had a best friend forever type thing. Altho I hope the one I have now will be that but judging by past history...
It's really rather depressing. It's not like we fall out just grow apart or they move or we do....

My cousin is probably my longest standing friend. We hated each other growing up and now she is coming to live next to me and I'm so excited!

Have you any family you could spend more time with?

Original poster

Karcheer · 14/07/2016 22:03

Perhaps it's them that's odd and not me then. Seeing my friends as equal rather than one more important than another.
But definitely feels weird knowing they see me as a lesser friend.

OP posts:

Purplehonesty · 14/07/2016 22:03

I go through phases of best friends. So I will be friends with someone for 3-6 years then we move on and I end up with a new one.

My cousin is probably my longest standing friend. We hated each other growing up and now she is coming to live next to me and I'm so excited!

Have you any family you could spend more time with?

newworldnow · 14/07/2016 22:06

Come on OP lets grow up here! Best friend is for primary school. Have lots of friends but don't over invest in anyone who thinks you are b list. Id rather not bother. Have no best friend myself through choice. Just be friendly with everyone and see what happens.

Original poster

Karcheer · 14/07/2016 22:14

newworld reading these has made me come to that conclusion too.

OP posts:

Fontella · 14/07/2016 22:18

I don't have a best friend either.

I have a few what you'd call 'mates'. We natter on the phone every few weeks. We meet up occasionally. We 'get on' and 'get each other' but it's an ad hoc thing.

I did have a 'best friend' up until 12 years ago when we had a massive falling out and I realised what an utter bitch she was. We had been friends since our teens and there were lots of things I liked about her but if I'm honest, she'd always been the dominant one in the relationship, but I just accepted/tolerated/went along with it for reasons, which now, looking back I don't really understand. To keep the friendship going I suppose, I kept my mouth shut and ignored a lot of things I shouldn't have ignored.

The older she got, the worse she got and I became less inclined to put up with it, until it reached the point that I finally told her to 'fuck off' and cut all contact. I can honestly say, I don't miss the friendship at all. I
don't feel anything because even though she was my 'best friend' she was a pain in the arse.

I like the 'mates' I've got now. Casual, occasional and hassle free.

Partiallycloudy · 14/07/2016 22:18

Op, do you meet up with these friends as a group? Or do you meet indivduals occasionally?

Original poster

Karcheer · 14/07/2016 22:23

partially we used to go out as a group, but now it tends to be individuals or me and two others.

OP posts:

ProudMummyOf2Girlies · 14/07/2016 22:25

I'm same. 30, no best friend. I have some friends, mainly from work or school run but i feel like I have to put on an act around them. Only DH knows ( and loves) my true, slightly sarcastic personality. I find I easily offend most girls if not too careful.

Allofaflumble · 14/07/2016 22:27

Best friends are for childhood. Too cloying for when you are adult. Women who are constantly in touch, meeting up, going shopping together, texting, phoning etc would drive me insane.

Partiallycloudy · 14/07/2016 22:28

Totally get how you feel, think I've gone through my life feeling like a 3rd wheel or as you say the b list friend.
I actually googled "how to make friends" recently!

SandyY2K · 14/07/2016 22:39

I don't have a best friend.

I have wide variety of friends and have different conversations with them, due to interests, careers and family set up.

My closest friends are my sisters. I trust them to have my back and never let me down or betray me in any way.

I find the term best friend among adults a bit childish TBH.

lasttimeround · 15/07/2016 07:25

I think the 'best friend' thing often comes loaded with wierd stuff where you have to be the same or support each other no matter what. I've always felt oppressed when someone nominates me their bf cos next going I know I have to provide uncritical unwavering support while they behave badly to me or someone else.

I do have snd value good friends tho. And these are strong and committed and close and few. But I'd never ask for a ranking - even tho over the years those friends have proven that they step up for me - so the friendship is a priority.
I wonder whether there's a difference between the being 'best friends' and having people you count on snd who you know count on you. I get the need for the latter but not the former.

Stargazing25 · 15/07/2016 07:57

In defence of the op, i don't think this thread is really about a 'best friend' even though the title suggests that.

I think it's more about feeling left out by a group. Women, who the op thought were close friends that seemingly hold each other in higher regard.

Iwantagoonthetrampoline · 15/07/2016 08:32

I get similar feelings and feel a bit lonely sometimes. Fell out with best friend from school over a boy when we were 19. We were very close and might have sorted it out eventually but I moved away to uni and naturally just drifted away from the wider friendship group. I still miss her sometimes. Moved to partners home town after uni, nearly 15 years ago and we have a brilliant extended group of male & female friends. I am closer to a some more than others, esp one who had children same time as me. I would consider her my closest friend, but it's clear that to here I'm just part of the extended group/mr trampoline's wife still. She has picked others as bridesmaids, god parents etc., which is completely understandable but makes me a bit sad sometimes if I'm honest. My husband is my best friend and we are very happy and have lots of fun together, but can't help feeling like the outsider with our friends still sometimes. Others have come into the group more recently and seem to pick up close friendships much more quickly than me so maybe it is me. I'm not one for constant texting/girly gossip/diets/'you ok hun' type stuff, but tv/books etc do seem to project that it's normal for women to have this sort of best friend relationship so it's hard not to let that make you feel inadequate if you don't.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/07/2016 09:07

I have lots of good friends but don't have a best friend and l couldn't care less. I know my friends have other friends they are closer to maybe bit that's healthy. I notice here that a lot of people have fallen out with their best friend so it sounds like a lot of drama at times. I think if you've moved away from your original home place and left behind your best friend from school you usually don't narrow it down to one person again. I love my friends, very close, very supportive but all equal really. Don't bother dwelling on it. Enjoy anyone who is in your life. I am very good friends with my sisters as well. Room for lots of friends.

inastew · 26/07/2016 13:40

".... best friends tend to be divorced/unhappily married so have the emotional time to devote to it."

Great point 'headinhands'
Its nice to have one person to watch your back, but a group of friends maybe better.

wishiwasntme · 26/07/2016 14:06

I'm also early 40s and I don't have any friends, I have acquaintances that I see in passing, and 1 or 2 of those I have a very occasional coffee with, but that's it.

I do have my dh who I guess is my bf (although he's been too busy to talk much at all this year, but that's another story!), but that's not quite the same as having a female bestie. I also have my dogs, which are good company.

If you ever find out the answers, please let me know as I'd love some good friends that I could rely on. All I can say is, be glad that you have some friends, it could be worse and be kind to yourself.

wishiwasntme · 26/07/2016 14:10

It gets very lonely though, doesn't it? I'm often lonely, and it does get me down. My only advice would be to say that (as others have said to me) just be yourself and don't try too hard.

MammouthTask · 26/07/2016 14:16

Actually I have a few frineds that ARE more important. They are the ones I will make the extra mile to go and see and them for me. They are the ones I might not see often but it feels like we've just seen each other yesterday whe we meet up.
And then there are friends atht are 'just' friends. They come and go, change with time. I have good times with them but yes they are all 'equal'.

I fully agree about the loneliness though (said 'Best' friends are in other countries so it's not as if I then have a full on social life where we are involve in each other life all the time) and yes it's hard.

Peridotisinvalid · 26/07/2016 15:44

I have a husband, he's my best friend. He's also my only friend.

Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers · 26/07/2016 15:48

I don't have a best friend either. I have plenty of friends, but not one set circle. I seem to flit in and out of a few friend circles. I don't live anywhere near where I grew up, I've lived in a few places as an adult, I've adopted most of dh's friends as my own, but they're really "his". Also, I think I'm just too busy/lazy to put the work in to spend so much time with someone that they become "best".

Sometimes it bothers me.

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