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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being paranoid about this friend and DH?

47 replies

Thomasina76 · 12/07/2016 13:16

DH is my second hubby. My first husband had an affair and let me and the kids and I am a little paranoid about the same thing happening again, especially as my new DS also had an affair (not with me) which led to the breakdown of his marriage. So, someone I have been friends with for around 12 years who is actually the ex-wife of my ex husband's best friend, has come to stay for ten days. She is from Argentina but usually comes to the UK once a year and asks to stay with us. This time she asked to stay for 6 days but said yesterday that she needs to stay for an extra 6 days. She is a good house guest overall but I am getting really paranoid about her interactions with DH. DH is Spanish so they frequently break off discussions to talk in Spanish in front of me and share little asides here and there. She is also hugely tactile and very animated and often touches DH's arm etc when she is talking. I am pretty sure there is nothing in it but I feel on edge and paranoid with her staying, especially as I may be away one night this week with work, leaving her and DH in the house alone together! She recently got married so I don't think anything would happen but I keep torturing myself. I am also getting a bit tetchy as she seems to expect me to make her breakfast/hang out when I am trying to get DSs dressed and ready for school and myself off to work. Am I being tetchy/paranoid or is there something in this?

OP posts:
HappyJanuary · 12/07/2016 13:29

It doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong and if she's newly married I doubt you have anything to worry about.

You're just sensitive because you're with a cheat, and god knows why you would be when you were once the betrayed spouse of such a man.

Original poster
Thomasina76 · 12/07/2016 13:36

Thanks HappyJanuary, I hope you are right. DH has done everything he can to reassure me that he would never do anything but I still have doubts.

OP posts:
GiddyGiddyGoat · 12/07/2016 13:39

Of course you have doubts - he has history for cheating! I don't suppose he told his ex wife she had good reason to worry / that he would cheat on her...

HappyJanuary · 12/07/2016 13:41

My marriage ended because my ex had an affair and I would never never never get involved with someone who was capable of doing that. Surely you have a lifetime of this sort of anxiety ahead of you, and always knowing what a plausible liar he is?

But on this occasion, from what you've written, I can't see anything to worry about and if she's been a good friend for many years it seems a shame to spoil that with unfounded suspicions.

Dutchcourage · 12/07/2016 13:42

Speaking in a language that you don't know is rude, it's exclusive and it's your home, why should you be excluded in casual conversations. I'd stop that.

Some times our instincts pick up on tiny vibes and may be that's what your picking up on. I'm not saying that they are/will be jumping in to bed shagging when your backs turned but maybe there is mild flirting and that's what your feeling.

HappyJanuary · 12/07/2016 13:43

Do you have to go away with work? I think you will torture yourself.

Original poster
Thomasina76 · 12/07/2016 13:49

Yes, I fear you are right. He is telling me one thing but my instincts are screaming another. I just watch them talking and how tactile she is and think, if I wasn't here then what would happen. Me not trusting DH has been the source of so many arguments. He says all the right things but, again, it comes down to instinct. He is going to a wedding (alone) the weekend after and I am dreading it. It is indeed a lifetime of worry. What can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thomasina76 · 12/07/2016 13:50

And yes, the talking in Spanish (which I don't speak) is rude and really irks me. They both speak really good English and DH never does this when he is with his family (he always speaks in English).

OP posts:
TheRealPosieParker · 12/07/2016 13:51

I think requesting that people speak in English in front of you is fair, it's like whispering isn't it?

HundredYearsInTime · 12/07/2016 14:34

I wouldn't suppose he is doing anything wrong just because he cheated on his ex. There are no rules for such thing and not everybody is alike.
First of all he has to stop speaking Spanish with her. What is the point anyway?
Also, I find it so uncomfortable to have someone touching while talking Angry, buy again not everyone is alike.
I guess the main problem here is that you don't trust your husband. You know, to cheat all is needed is the will to. One doesn't need to go away to a wedding alone, or stay alone home with a friend to do it. It can happen anywhere, at any time, at work, training... But you can't go around worrying if he is really at work right now or maybe cheating on you, if he really is working late or is maybe having an affair... You have to trust him.
Have you tried counseling to work on your insecurities? It may help.
Good luck 🍀.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/07/2016 15:18

I don't think so, its a toxic cocktail

(a) he has form
(b) this makes you insecure
(c) they are excluding you by speaking in Spanish

you need to think about your DH as seriously this could be years of misery! I mean you are scared of him going away without you? that's no life OP, really.... and not all cheaters stay cheaters either, despite what people may say. I have female friends that used to cheat, and now don't.

with her I would look her in the eye and say "Hey chica - can I ask you don't speak Spanish all the time? I don't speak it,.l and its making me feel excluded, in my own home! is that cool". just say it direct ands look her in the eyes. if she continues after that, or makes you feel silly - she has a brass neck and is basically not your mate

Original poster
Thomasina76 · 12/07/2016 16:00

I know it could mean years of misery and paranoia. I think he has done what he can to reassure me but I still worry. And I know it can happen anywhere and at any time and I do have moments when I worry what is going on at work etc but I try to trust him as much as I can. So, it is not normal to be worried about him going to a wedding alone or spending the night alone with my friend? Just feel cross that it's my house, I don't like the situaiton but I somehow have to put up with it! Re the Spanish, they start off speaking English but then fall into Spanish and have little asides in Spanish here and there.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 12/07/2016 16:04

House guests and fish...

It sounds annoying but innocent. Don't let her stay again for so long, it's bound to be hard work.

Kr1stina · 12/07/2016 16:08

Why is your DH going to a wedding alone ?

Dutchcourage · 12/07/2016 16:08

Who initiates the Spanish? As its them that's effectively taking you out of the conversation.

I wouldn't assume they will fall in to bed but it does sound as if they could be flirting with each other.

Original poster
Thomasina76 · 12/07/2016 16:24

I know. I could cope with 6 days but this is way too much as she expects food and conversation too, neither of which I have in abundance. I work full time, get home late and all I want to do is see my kids and fall into bed. I really can't cope with people trying to have conversations with me in the morning either when I am trying to do packed lunches, school bags, swimming kit. Urggh, such a nightmare. She doesn't have kids so I don't think she really gets it. She just announced she was staying an extra 6 days. What can I do? Last time she came I made a mental note to say no to future visits as I felt the same last time but it's hard to come up with an excuse.

DH is going to the wedding alone as I can't come as I need to look after my DSs. They sometimes spend a night at their dad's but he is working that weekend. It's the wedding of a good friend of DH anyway and I am really not fussed about going but am worried about him going alone. I have been to a friend's wedding alone when he couldn't come as he had to look after his kids.

Re the Spanish, I think it's both of them initiating it. Maybe her more. Should I say something to him?

OP posts:
GutInstinct · 12/07/2016 16:37

As your previous H had an affair it is natural that you will have some insecurities around your current DH. Added to that, as your current DH had an affair in his previous marriage you may feel insecure about that also.

what you need to ask yourself is whether you can get past his past, and if not, why not?

What happened in your previous DH's marriage that he says led him to an affair? What were the circumstances of that affair I.e. Did it go on for months? Years? Did he leave for OW or did she throw him out when she found out?

The statement "once a cheat always a cheat" certainly is not necessarily true for everyone, but if there are reasons why you are insecure you need to explore these and decide whether they are because of your previous experiences or because of his previous form. It's entirely possible that you would have felt this way even if he didn't have a history of having cheated on an ex. It would be helpful for you to try to rationalise where these insecurities have come from so you can deal with them.

And if they stem from your current DH's actions then you need to be able to address that with him also.

SandyY2K · 12/07/2016 17:09

Is she tactile with everyone? Males and females alike? With you?

You could always get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and place discreetly in your house when the two of them together. Even though they speak Spanish, you would still know if anything like a kiss was going on.

I also vote for not having her stay again. Just say it's not convenient as your having another guest, then say you'll be away on holiday .... make a long list of reasons and she'll get the message if she gets bounced back a couple of years in a row.

Any chance she can babysit while you go to the wedding. She does have free accommodation after all. I know I'd be fine to babysit in her position.

GutInstinct · 12/07/2016 17:14

You could always get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and place discreetly in your house when the two of them together. Even though they speak Spanish, you would still know if anything like a kiss was going on. the point at which you start bugging the house is the point at which the relationship is over. Either the OP trusts her DH or she doesn't. If she doesn't trust him, then she needs to try to figure out why, whether it's because of something he's doing, or because of her own past with her ex.

Just because he's previously had an affair does not mean he'll do so again or should have to be responsible for what the OP has previously been through.

Dutchcourage · 12/07/2016 17:45

She just announced she was staying another six days? Hmm

Just say no. Your tired, busy, ill, blah blah but you can say no. Tell her to go to a b&b.

I'd mention it to your Dh - as in 'please don't talk in another language s it's incredibly fucking rude'

Op if you are not comfortable having her there - ask her to leave

HappyJanuary · 12/07/2016 17:55

Okay your latest replies have made me change my mind.

If she is rude enough to be flirting in front of you, you can certainly say that she can't stay longer. It doesn't sound as if you will miss her friendship if she takes offence anyway.

If they lapse into Spanish, ask them to repeat in English. The quizzical head tilt is favoured on mn I believe. They're behaving badly and you shouldn't fall into the trap of feeling bad about pulling them up on it.

Longer term, I don't know. You don't sound happy or secure. You tell us he says all the right things but actions speak louder than words, and his actions are 'flirting with your friend in front of you'. You are one step away from obsessive phone checking, car mileage spying and bugging your own house. In my case it wasn't worth it, but plenty do get past it.

MatrixReloaded · 12/07/2016 18:51

I wouldn't tolerate a guest excluding me from conversations or flirting with my husband in my own home. She sounds rude and entitled. Tell her to leave.

Does your husband acknowledge her flirtatious behaviour ?

TheRealPosieParker · 12/07/2016 18:56

Your husband is going with this friend to a wedding?

No, just no.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 12/07/2016 18:56

Next time they speak in Spanish ask them what is so important for you not to be included and ask her to leave

SandyY2K · 12/07/2016 19:01

Just because he's previously had an affair does not mean he'll do so again or should have to be responsible for what the OP has previously been through.

Of course it doesn't, but he's been there before and as the OP had her first husband cheat, it's only human nature she is feeling this way, with a man who has cheated too.

He should be responsible for making her feel secure, by not speaking in a language she doesn't umderstand at the very least. That's hardly too much to ask in this situation IMO.

If the OP had a male visitor being tactile with her and speaking a language her DH didn't understand, I'm sure he wouldn't be that impressed and she hasn't got form for cheating.