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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being paranoid about this friend and DH?

47 replies

Thomasina76 · 12/07/2016 13:16

DH is my second hubby. My first husband had an affair and let me and the kids and I am a little paranoid about the same thing happening again, especially as my new DS also had an affair (not with me) which led to the breakdown of his marriage. So, someone I have been friends with for around 12 years who is actually the ex-wife of my ex husband's best friend, has come to stay for ten days. She is from Argentina but usually comes to the UK once a year and asks to stay with us. This time she asked to stay for 6 days but said yesterday that she needs to stay for an extra 6 days. She is a good house guest overall but I am getting really paranoid about her interactions with DH. DH is Spanish so they frequently break off discussions to talk in Spanish in front of me and share little asides here and there. She is also hugely tactile and very animated and often touches DH's arm etc when she is talking. I am pretty sure there is nothing in it but I feel on edge and paranoid with her staying, especially as I may be away one night this week with work, leaving her and DH in the house alone together! She recently got married so I don't think anything would happen but I keep torturing myself. I am also getting a bit tetchy as she seems to expect me to make her breakfast/hang out when I am trying to get DSs dressed and ready for school and myself off to work. Am I being tetchy/paranoid or is there something in this?

OP posts:

Gabilan · 12/07/2016 19:37

Posie the OP says her OH is going to the wedding alone.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 12/07/2016 21:32

She's trouble and she doesn't respect you.
Tell her to leave - she's p*ssing all over you.

DontMindMe1 · 12/07/2016 23:41

they start off speaking English but then fall into Spanish and have little asides in Spanish here and there

Uh oh....i've seen that game played many a time - and always with an air of 'what me?! do that!?'

From what i've experienced, some women like to play this 'our secret' game with other guys - even if they have their own. It's like being close to him, having that connection that only they can have. In my opinion it's exactly like an emotional affair.
your husband may not be aware of this kind of machiavellian game of hers - but given he cheated how could he not? And still he chooses to play that game.
the whole point of this kind of game is to make the other person constantly question themselves, and if they voice their thoughts they're made to look paranoid/crazy/jealous.

The ex-best friend who did this to me - twice - had a live in bf of 6 years. Unfortunately, she never grew out of the habit of putting 'dibs' on guys. She would openly flirt with my bf in front of everyone - incl her own - and nobody once agreed she was out of order. she did it to others too and they all let her get away with it -fall out for a bit and then become friends again Her bf knew what she was doing but for some unknown reason he still protected her - his only way of protesting was to deny her sex until her current crush faded.

what you say to her is: "i'm sorry - that doesn't work for us". you don't owe her an explanation. If she says or does anything other than get packing - tell her you and dh are dying for some mad crazy sex and she can't be there.

how exactly is she 'holidaying' if she's spending so much time in your house? she should be out doing her own thing.

i wouldn't feel comfortable with her staying any longer, and i'd reconsider letting her stay in future. she can always rent a bnb.

winkywinkola · 13/07/2016 06:57

I don't know if your h will have another affair but I do know your 'friend' is mostly certainly not a good house guest.

It's extremely rude to extend a visit the way she has.

It's extremely rude of her and your dh to speak another language in front of you.

In fact, I would be really pissed off and ask her to leave.

I would also be saying to both of them in I uncertain terms that it is very ill mannered to speak another language in front of someone who doesn't share that language.

Don't be afraid of being annoyed and showing it. They are taking the piss.

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/07/2016 08:33

I think you'll never trust him because he has form for cheating. Even if he never cheats on you and does/says all the right things, the worry will be there because you know what he's capable of.

Is he worth a lifetime of worry, anxiety and panic every time he goes out without you, or every time you go away with work? I think this woman is a red herring. She sounds a bit tactile/flrty and it's rude for them to speak in Spanish, but if you trusted him, would it bother you as much? She has nothing to do with him cheating in the past, after all. It seems like she's just brought your past feelings to the surface.

I think you deserve better than a cheat for a DH.

Viviene · 13/07/2016 08:45

Seriously, nothing to worry about. It's a cultural difference. I'm EU but on the 'colder' side of the spectrum and I struggle with my Spanish and Italian friends as they touch and kiss a lot. O spent months thinking they all fancied me (yes, I know, vanity is a horrible thing). I don't think it has anything to do with real flirting, it just comes across as such. Speaking a language you don't speak is rude and I hate it when people do that to me but again - I have it happen every day so now I just ignore and not get upset as there's no point.

Original poster

Thomasina76 · 13/07/2016 10:58

Thanks all, this helps a lot. So I vented a bit to DH last night, saying that it was convenient that the friend has told us she is staying for an extra 6 days, especially as my sister is coming to stay on Saturday night so I need the room for her. In that context, I said to DH, oh and it's a bit rude that you and she keep talking Spanish in front of me as I don't speak Spanish and yo never do it when with your family etc. I put it this way to see what he said but am a bit annoyed now that I let him off the hook as he has been doing it too. He agreed with me and said he wouldn't but there was nothing to worry about as she was just making small talk etc. Still peed off it all really but feel like I can't ask her to leave earlier. She said her flight was on Saturday or Sunday but was quite vague about it. I am supposed to be away on Sunday night and really really want her gone on Sunday so that I don't have to worry about her and DH being in the house together. What can I say/do to make sure this happens? I would hate to leave on Sunday afternoon with her still there!

OP posts:

Original poster

Thomasina76 · 13/07/2016 10:59

"Wasn't convenient"

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 13/07/2016 11:17

You don't need an excuse for her to leave. You just tell her that you need her to leave by Saturday. She can be as vague as she likes about flights. That's her problem.

As for your h, well if you're fretting like this then there is s problem aside from your house guest.

Meanwhile I hope he pointedly used English from now on.

winkywinkola · 13/07/2016 11:18

You don't need an excuse for her to leave. You just tell her that you need her to leave by Saturday. She can be as vague as she likes about flights. That's her problem.

As for your h, well if you're fretting like this then there is s problem aside from your house guest.

Meanwhile I hope he pointedly used English from now on.

Dutchcourage · 13/07/2016 11:44

You could say you just need the house back. That's it.

It really isn't your responsibility to secure her free accommodation. Check out some near by b&b and give them to her.

The older I get the less I think about what other people will think about me. You should just do it. Who cares if she thinks less favourable about you - she hasn't actually been a great guest has she? She has made you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

You can sort your stuff out with Dh, he is your husband but this women is just a guest that's clearly over stated her welcome. I'd never dream of adding nearly a week on to my hosts - it's just bloody rude and she clearly has a boundary issue.

Just get it over with tonight. It doesn't have to be dramatic - just be honest.

"Friend, I'm sorry as this might be a PITA but I really need my house back from tomorow morning. Here are some local B&B. My sister is arriving soon and I need some space'

HappyJanuary · 13/07/2016 12:49

I admire people who can stand up for themselves and say what they mean plainly.

I'm afraid I'd have to come up with an excuse. We have someone coming to stay on Saturday so you'll need to be gone by then?

And don't let your DH off the hook. You know what he was doing. He knows you know. He should be repentant and doing some serious making up.

Original poster

Thomasina76 · 14/07/2016 10:58

Urggh, ok she is supposed to be leaving on Sunday evening but is still being vague and non-committal. She has to go via a train station to get to the airport so I suggested we go together as I need to leave from that station too and she needs to leave around the same time but she kept being vague. I think it could end up that I will need to leave before her so I would be leaving her in the house alone with DH as my kids are going to their dad's. I just have this feeling that she is going to decide to stay or miss her flight. Just gut instinct and I am driving myself crazy about this now. Told DH last night that I was really uncomfortable with it and he got massively offended then said he would either come with me or go and stay in a hotel so that he is not alone in the house with her but why don't I trust him, it's really insulting. At that point I came clean and said, well, sorry but I don't and I don't want to live with these fears all the time. Also, I changed some of the facts as didn't want to be recognised in RL but I am actually going to a funeral on Monday of a childhood friend on Monday (leaving on Sunday) which i am really upset about and I just want to focus on that not worry about this rubbish. What can I do? I don't want to be rude or fall out with this person but I want to know that she will leave by Sunday. I can't really say that we need the space back as it's a big house with several spare rooms.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thomasina76 · 14/07/2016 11:01

I have also managed to convince myself that she is totally after DH. She is very money-focused (wants a husband who can keep her) and her DH has just lost his job. It's certainly not the case that DH is rich but she may seem him as a good option. I can't really believe that she would try to steal him from under my nose (she knows what i went throough with my ex) but she just seems flirty and overfriendly with him. Even simple things like when the three of us are sitting together talking, she faces him not me, is tactile with him, not me. Am in full paranoia mode now.

OP posts:

FelicityGubbins · 14/07/2016 11:50

Well as he has now offered, tell him that yes you now want him to accompany you and she needs to leave before you both set off. Stick to it as you shouldn't be feeling this stressed in your own home.

BeMorePanda · 14/07/2016 11:57

If you can't kick her out, could you wangle it so your "guest" looks after the children so you can go to the wedding with your H?

You are going to have to learn to say "No" to this woman at some point, to prevent her returning expecting to stay with you next year too.

Original poster

Thomasina76 · 14/07/2016 13:42

The wedding isn't until the following weekend so it would mean her staying a whole extra week. No fear. Will totally be saying no to her next time or just not respond. So much easier to do when she is 5,000 miles away. I guess I could get DH to accompany me to the station or even pretend he is coming with me. He can't really come with me though as I am back late on the Monday and need him to look after the kids in the eve. Just need a good excuse for her to leave or do I just say, actually, I am not comfortable with you staying in the house with DH. She might be quite offended. Maybe she will just go and all this worry is for nothing.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 14/07/2016 13:46

You shouldn't ever feel uncomfortable in your own home. Since she seems to be your DH mate more than yours, he needs to tell her it isn't convenient for her to stay extra and she needs to leave tomorrow. If he won't, you've got an issue there.

FelicityGubbins · 14/07/2016 13:50

She doesn't seem to be bothered about offending you so don't worry about offending her, a brisk "you need to be out by 10am Saturday as my sister is arriving and I need to sort the room out for her" followed by a rinse and repeat should she become evasive should work.

Stormtreader · 14/07/2016 15:36

"So what is your plan for Saturday, DH friend? My sister is coming at 10 to stay in the guest room but we could give you a lift to the station up to around 9.30 if thats helpful?"

DontMindMe1 · 16/07/2016 20:21

for gods sake woman - TELL her she has to go! Ask to see her tickets to confirm she's booked them, then tell her to stay in a bnb if she wants to stay longer.

the british 'stiff upper lip' is not a good communication tactic.....

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/07/2016 17:31

Is she still there op !?!? I don't
Like the sound of either

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