MIL passive aggressive or me being paranoid?

[PopeyesWench]

Ok bear with me, so classic story, me and MIL got on really well pre DD1 being born. We moved house to be near DH work and MIL, SIL & BIL. Once I'd had the baby our relationship changed. She gave lots of advice which I listened to but didn't follow (give a bottle, give a dummy, do CIO, water at night, baby rice etc). I tactfully deflected all this, and when she forcibly would take DD1 away from me I would let her have a quick cuddle then take her back or not let her take her in the first place. Lots of PA comments like is she still feeding, whilst looking at her watch and doing pursed lips. And "she's not feeding again is she? She doesn't need it" etc etc, anyway I put up with all this and just laughed it off. There are other little things that happened in that first year with DD1, all in the same vein. Basically trying to say I was doing it wrong, or not how she would. I tried to civilly counter these comments.
One of the reasons we moved was because OH is military and he wanted to have as much time with DD1 as poss. MIL Spouted about how much she would help and was so onboard with it. She would tell me not to worry about the deployment, about how she would do washing and have the baby so I could get my haircut etc. So none of this ha happened. I did everything on my own. I think she mowed my lawn once or twice and let me have a nap a couple of times whilst OH was deployed. She always says "if
You ever need anything just ask" but when I was pregnant with DD2 and OH was in hospital she wouldn't look after DD1 even though on the phone the night before she said she could. She couldn't emergency babysit when I had to get checked over in hospital after birth because she said she was getting her piano tuned (she doesn't even play her piano anymore). I had an interview for a ft job and we asked if she could do 1 day a week childcare. She said she was busy every day apart from Thursday's and shed have to think about it. I didn't get the job and she hasn't mentioned it again. She also never asks me anything about myself. My SIL noticed it and she literally won't ask my or SIL one question about our lives when she visits. I wish she hadn't pointed it out to me! So basically she offers help with childcare but doesn't actually want to do it. She invites herself round every couple of weeks and brings carrier bags full of cakes and sweets and crisps for OH and full on outfits and toys for DD1 and DD2. Every fortnight! She then sits and expects me to bring her cups of tea all day and wants to just cuddle the kids. You can imagine they don't really want to sit there all day!
Another weird thing she has been doing is talking to me through the dog. Now to be honest since having the girls the dog has been put on the back burner. But he still gets a walk 3-4 days a week. But MIL keeps talking to him saying "oh look at the state of you" X 3 when I didn't react (he needed a groom), she brings him bags of dog treats and after being asked not to feed him more than 1-2 per visit secretly fed him four in the kitchen and then left the open packet on the side for me to find once shed left, so she obviously wanted me and DH to know she'd done it. That's weird right?!
And the last thing I can think of right now is the musical toys she buys. She always get our eldest whistles, toys that sing etc, so much so that OH has brought it up (jokingly) about three times "why do you always get DD1 noisy toys, you know how annoying they are right?" MIL replies "yes it's revenge for when you were little!" DH:"but I'm deploying/away a lot, really You're getting revenge OP". MIL (laughs a bit horribly) "well then OP you will have to watch out/keep on the right side of me" etc.
We've had a variation of this conversation many times. Light hearted on the surface, but I still get mean vibes. Then for DD1 2nd birthday OH was away on the actual day so I said just cards from family for her to open and bring pressies for the party, she wasn't happy about this but accepted it and then sent a musical card with V annoying birthday song! I got DD1 to ring to say thank you and MIL asked me gleefully if it was doing my head in yet! I said no I really think it's cute actually .
Finally (and well done if you got this far) OH is deploying for X months soon and I can't stand being in the same room as her. I don't know what to do as I don't want her to not see our kids but I literally can't hardly speak to her she's wound me up so much. Help!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Can you move back to near your family and friends? This move was a good idea that didn't work out (major understatement). It will be much harder to move after the children start school. Get out now or this is the next 20 years for you.

[PopeyesWench]

We have considered moving back to be nearer my family.
We are in a horrible position in that T OH is leaving again soon, this time for 9 months. He's told me if it gets too shit here he will
fully support me if I decide to start procedures to move house again.

Smiling and waving will be in full force today! we are going to visit BIL and SIL,
MILS eldest DS. They've just had a baby and I have a feeling will be getting much more help as they will be likely to follow all knowing MILs wisdom and advice, unlike rebellious moi

And he's a Westie btw

[wishiwasntme]

I love poverty's suggestions about the dog and the toys. I would try that out; especially the " thanks for offering, here's the lead" one. Other than that, I've no useful advice, but wanted to wish you the best with it all.

For those going on about the dog, that wasn't what the op wanted advice on, and she's already doing her best and doesn't need anyone making her feel guilty for it.
What you'd like to do and what you're able to do aren't always the same. My dog doesn't get enough walks atm due to my poor health, but I try to keep him busy by giving him jobs to do (eg, helping me with the washing) and throwing balls for him to wear him out. Sometimes life gets in the way, it might not be ideal, but it doesn't mean you're not doing the best you can and there's worse things than not getting enough walks; at least he's well looked after in all other ways.

[PopeyesWench]

povertypain you were right. Like an idiot I got my hopes up. Today we were at BIL&SIL and after not talking to me all afternoon she asked me about my return to work after maternity leave. I was planning on waiting to have everything confirmed before we spoke about this but as she brought it up (and actually asked about my life-woah) I told her my boss has told me I can go back same two days a week but do Thursday and Friday's not Tuesday and Wednesday. This will potentially throw up a lot of problems with the childminder who doesn't think she has placed on Thursdays and Fridays from September.
So I suggested a possible plan could be that we keep the childminder for a Friday, if she can do that, and MIL has DD1&2 on Thursdays. Even though that still wouldn't give me a break.
She then told me that she can't do full days anyway because she "doesn't like to drive in the dark". And so basically can't do Thursday's really, at least not in any real help sense.
I burst into tears on the way home I can't believe I fell for it again