MIL passive aggressive or me being paranoid?

[PopeyesWench]

Ok bear with me, so classic story, me and MIL got on really well pre DD1 being born. We moved house to be near DH work and MIL, SIL & BIL. Once I'd had the baby our relationship changed. She gave lots of advice which I listened to but didn't follow (give a bottle, give a dummy, do CIO, water at night, baby rice etc). I tactfully deflected all this, and when she forcibly would take DD1 away from me I would let her have a quick cuddle then take her back or not let her take her in the first place. Lots of PA comments like is she still feeding, whilst looking at her watch and doing pursed lips. And "she's not feeding again is she? She doesn't need it" etc etc, anyway I put up with all this and just laughed it off. There are other little things that happened in that first year with DD1, all in the same vein. Basically trying to say I was doing it wrong, or not how she would. I tried to civilly counter these comments.
One of the reasons we moved was because OH is military and he wanted to have as much time with DD1 as poss. MIL Spouted about how much she would help and was so onboard with it. She would tell me not to worry about the deployment, about how she would do washing and have the baby so I could get my haircut etc. So none of this ha happened. I did everything on my own. I think she mowed my lawn once or twice and let me have a nap a couple of times whilst OH was deployed. She always says "if
You ever need anything just ask" but when I was pregnant with DD2 and OH was in hospital she wouldn't look after DD1 even though on the phone the night before she said she could. She couldn't emergency babysit when I had to get checked over in hospital after birth because she said she was getting her piano tuned (she doesn't even play her piano anymore). I had an interview for a ft job and we asked if she could do 1 day a week childcare. She said she was busy every day apart from Thursday's and shed have to think about it. I didn't get the job and she hasn't mentioned it again. She also never asks me anything about myself. My SIL noticed it and she literally won't ask my or SIL one question about our lives when she visits. I wish she hadn't pointed it out to me! So basically she offers help with childcare but doesn't actually want to do it. She invites herself round every couple of weeks and brings carrier bags full of cakes and sweets and crisps for OH and full on outfits and toys for DD1 and DD2. Every fortnight! She then sits and expects me to bring her cups of tea all day and wants to just cuddle the kids. You can imagine they don't really want to sit there all day!
Another weird thing she has been doing is talking to me through the dog. Now to be honest since having the girls the dog has been put on the back burner. But he still gets a walk 3-4 days a week. But MIL keeps talking to him saying "oh look at the state of you" X 3 when I didn't react (he needed a groom), she brings him bags of dog treats and after being asked not to feed him more than 1-2 per visit secretly fed him four in the kitchen and then left the open packet on the side for me to find once shed left, so she obviously wanted me and DH to know she'd done it. That's weird right?!
And the last thing I can think of right now is the musical toys she buys. She always get our eldest whistles, toys that sing etc, so much so that OH has brought it up (jokingly) about three times "why do you always get DD1 noisy toys, you know how annoying they are right?" MIL replies "yes it's revenge for when you were little!" DH:"but I'm deploying/away a lot, really You're getting revenge OP". MIL (laughs a bit horribly) "well then OP you will have to watch out/keep on the right side of me" etc.
We've had a variation of this conversation many times. Light hearted on the surface, but I still get mean vibes. Then for DD1 2nd birthday OH was away on the actual day so I said just cards from family for her to open and bring pressies for the party, she wasn't happy about this but accepted it and then sent a musical card with V annoying birthday song! I got DD1 to ring to say thank you and MIL asked me gleefully if it was doing my head in yet! I said no I really think it's cute actually .
Finally (and well done if you got this far) OH is deploying for X months soon and I can't stand being in the same room as her. I don't know what to do as I don't want her to not see our kids but I literally can't hardly speak to her she's wound me up so much. Help!

[Banana99]

She probably resentful you didn't take (and probably still aren't) lots of advice from her. I know my MIL was, she definitely saw it as her 'role' and was a bit lost/annoyed/pushed out.
It's not like I could have taken the advice either as it was almost always awful or plain ridiculous

[PovertyPain]

Bring every single noisy toy that she has bought them into the room every.single.time she visits and encourage them to play with them. If she says anything, believe me she will, just say you've got so used to them, you don't even notice them, anymore, and you don't want to deprive the children of 'granny's toys' as that would be cruel. evil cackle

If she comments on the dog, just say "oh, thank you so much granny, I didn't realise that you also meant offers of help with the dog" and hand her the lead, while wittering on about the dog, so she can't get a word in. Act all confused when she refuses and ask her why she bothered mentioning it.

[FuzzyEyes]

"maybe I should make more effort and help her live the dream somehow?!"

OP you have children and a dog to look after - she is being childish, and I think you actually could do with help rather than looking after MILs needs on top of everything else.

My plan would be:

1. Accept that MIL can be no help or support and your role in this is only about making sure your kids have a positive relationship with their grandmother.
   
2. Arrange a different set up for contact with MIL. For example - in future arranging to go on trips and inviting her along, rather than hosting her at your home. Changes like this give you more control on the length of the visit and the kind of activities the kids will be doing.
   
3. Be bold and challenge her. Draw a line. Decide what you think is acceptable and unacceptable. EG- "MIL, if you have concerns about my dog it would be better manners to speak to me directly about it". I also think some posters do well laughing it off, etc.
   

Its great that your mum wants to help out.

[OlennasWimple]

Organize your own life and let her fit into it if she wishes. Do when she comes over, don't sit around all day, do what you would normally do / get out and about and let her decide if she's coming out with you to walk the dog / go to the library / go tinge park / whatever.

Assume you will get no practical support from her at all, then any you do get will be a bonus. So don't ask her for baby sitting.

Get a big box / shelf to keep new toys in. Practice saying with a tinkly laugh that the DC get over stimulated with so much new stuff all at once, especially as they are always so excited to see their granny, so you will be putting the presents away to bring out at another time

[Costacoffeeplease]

Fuck off costa

Nice

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Thanks

[CountessOfStrathearn]

Not helping with the overall picture, but a friend had a great suggestion for noisy toys. They go into a 'noisy toy box' for 'noisy time', so for 10 minutes/an hour/whatever a day, the noisy toys can be played with, with as much noise as you want, before they all go back into the box again and peace (or as close as it ever gets with babies and toddlers) reigns again!

[Wolpertinger]

You are never going to meet up her expectations as a DIL as TBH she sounds horrible. Even your OH has noticed over the noisy toys. And your SIL is on to her as well.

Save yourself a lot of time and heartache and stop trying. She isn't nice and she isn't worth it.

You have a lot on your plate with 2 little ones, a dog, not much support and a soon to be deployed OH - so put yourself first and develop some tactics. Make the most of the good support you have like your mum, SIL, other military mums, SSAFA and so on.

Then try and cut down the visits - she can't stay all day for starters because you have to walk the dog - solves two problems in one. Does she book the visits - make sure you are busy for a few so the dates get pushed back. Or can only do a couple of hours as you are going out. Or she can come round but she'll have to muck in as you'll be doing the washing so could she take the kids to the park? No more all of you sitting staring at Lady Muck making her cups of tea - plan some strategies.

Whistle fairy is absolute genius by the way.

[1frenchfoodie]

She sounds very PA and it seems sensible to go low contact and use time you'd spend making her tea to build up local friendships. Are you on a base? If so there are usually good social SAHM networks. Can your SIL recommend any local groups?

In know it is not the point but your dog does need a walk at least once a day. I'd dearly love to miss at least 1 of my dogs' 2x daily walks especially when I have to put rain cover on pram and brave the weather but it is not really optional..

[KindDogsTail]

I think she is and you are not being paranoid.

I think you should clearly challenge her, but lightly and with humour a like Dutch suggests and especially "Oh MIL that was years ago..."

YOu might say about your dog, our dog only has treats when X ...as this is what the vet told you - then put the treats away.

Try to visit her so you can control when you leave, as someone else said. Organise things to do together out of home, and ask her to join in.

Meanwhile, it would be good to avoid the trap of having to be the angry one with too much on her shoulders in the face of a PA mil and a husband who is working away.

Would you be able to get a bit of help, just to assert your right for it?
A dog walker a couple of days a week to add to what you already do (it will help have a calm, relaxed dog.)
Someone to mow - if you have 100 ft garden that is quite a lot.
A baby sitter so you have someone you trust, one afternoon so you can do something alone?
Some help with cleaning?

If she offers anything, pin her down about what it is and when it will happen and put it in your diary. But it sounds as though she never actually meant her offers of help, or in practice just can't face it looking after the children or doing any jobs.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Can you do extended visits to your parents when your dh is deployed? You need help and you are not getting it in your present arrangements.

[KindDogsTail]

What AndThe BandPlayedOn said is very funny
Whistle fairy then puts them in overnight bag when lo goes to sleep over at grandma's house.

[Pogmella]

Why can't you build a daily dog walk into your routine? I take mine to chase a ball round a field every lunchtime and it does us all good, anyone who is fighting sleep crashes out in the sling/buggy and anyone with too much energy gets to run it off!

[PopeyesWench]

Sorry for not replying I was walking the dog irony alert. And pogmelia I do build it into the routine- trouble is the girls don't always want to go along with it! If they're asleep for example there's no way I'm waking them to walk the dog. And getting them ready and going out after 4pm is just not going to happen. So I have a morning and lunchtime window to get him out- I love our walks it gives me some peace and quiet!

Thanks for all the thoughts. Kinddogstail my mum has suggested I get some help like a cleaner to do the bathroom and kitchen and she might pay for it- she lives 2 1/2 hours away so wants to do that to help me.

And yes long weekends back with my mum are definitely on the cards.

I will start carrying on as normal when she comes around and when OH is away we will go to her.

I am so getting out all the noisy toys when she's over next Thursday. That is a GREAT idea. And I'm taking them to visit her too. After all she must think they're awesom- she bought them. And the best part is she refuses to wear her hearing aids so she won't be able to hear over the noise mwah ha haa!

[PopeyesWench]

Also I'm so relieved that you don't think I'm being paranoid!!!

[FuzzyEyes]

I am so getting out all the noisy toys when she's over next Thursday. That is a GREAT idea. And I'm taking them to visit her too.

This is a very passive-aggressive way of dealing with it- and kind of locks you into ongoing timewasting bullshit with her.
Still ... it is fun to imagine it.

[FuzzyEyes]

I suppose you could do it in a non-PA way. Pack up all the noisy toys - drop them off with her when you visit and be upfront, casually saying: "MIL I don't want to offend you, but I don't like having noisy toys at home - I'm leaving them with you so the dcs can play with them here from now on."

[PopeyesWench]

We went over to hers yesterday and it went really well. When she (again) offered to help I said "yes, when exactly are you free?" And she told me she's free on Thursdays so I asked her to come over every Thursday. She was a bit cryptic and replied "yes, as long a so have enough notice". But I'm hopeful this means she at least wants to help out.
Also OH spoke to her about babysitting in the evening and said she can't if she doesn't wear her hearing aids. We got cats bum face back but at least she knows our terms now and it's up to her how she wants to proceed.
We did take some noisy toys- ones that I had stuck in the car a few weeks back, because they were doing my head in. I got two more gleeful "aren't they doing your head in" comments but laughed them off saying how I enjoy them. We will be doing the noisy box idea.
Slightly new concern is that when she asked what DD1 wants for her 2nd birthday we said a pop up play tent and she has got her that. And a tunnel. I was OK with this but OH went into the spare room he found it packed to the gunnels with toys and presents and things. I'm getting a bit frustrated as she has gone completely overboard at Xmas, and for DD1s first birthday bought her what we had suggested and also the same thing my mum had been asked to buy her. We had told MIL what my mum was getting her too.
Now a tad worried for the party because we have asked her several times to please not get a mountain of presents but she's got enough to fill the spare bedroom!!!

[PovertyPain]

If she arrives with a mountain if presents, take them all off her and LOCK them in your room. If you don't have a lock, put them in the boot of your car and make sure she can't get the key. Keep out the one you asked her to get and make it clear your DC will not be getting the presents until the next day. That way she doesn't get to 'take over' the party. Prepare your child, if she's old enough, for the fact that she won't be opening ALL her presents at the party, in case dear granny tries to wind her up.

As for the child minding, you do realise she will just remove her hearing aid once you're out, don't you? Though I dare say she will be busy every Thursday as you will never ever give her enough notice.

[PopeyesWench]

So we didn't open any presents at all until the next day. I had told her my mum was getting dd1 a frozen tea set. I told her this a few times over the last few months.
The MIL bought her a play tent, play tunnel, pyjamas and a tea set. Of course a tea set.
No noisy presents though so not all a loss!
She also tried to kidnap go inside with the birthday girl and dd2 at least three times because apparently dd2 couldn't for some reason eat in her high hair in the garden and she thought dd1 needed some calm down time- from her bouncy castle.
I've decided she is cuckoo crazy. She also now has admitted she needs us to be on speakerphone to hear us when we ring but is still refusing to wear both her hearing aids/buy a replacement second one. Gah.

[PopeyesWench]

Oh we also don't know where the rest of the presents went, me and OH have assumed it's some kind of present stash or cache? DD1 is MIL first DGD and maybe feel the need to have some kind of stock room set up?

[mypropertea]

Sorry to go back to the dog but have you tried www.borrowmydoggy.com? If you find a borrower you won't need to be worried about that at least.

Your mil sounds like a cow.

[mypropertea]

It is a web site where people borrow your dog for how ever many hours a week, not a regiment site by the way.

[OhMyWord16]

For all those posters fixated on the dog, how do you know what breed it is & what it's exercise requirements are? The OP hasn't mentioned breed anywhere.
Your MIL is very contrary btw. She likes the idea of being a Grandma but not the practicalities. Just smile and wave !