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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you tolerate this?

46 replies

Ellarose85 · 10/07/2016 07:47

Just wanted to check that my hormones aren't getting the better of me and in fact I do deserve better than an utter arsehole DH.

I'm currently heavily pregnant, totally fed up, housebound and in a lot of pain with a 1 year old to look after. DH wanted me to stay at MILs this weekend so he could get some jobs done at the house but I said I would rather I stayed at home as I could go into labour any day, just want my home comforts right now and don't have to put on any airs and graces around his family when I'm feeling so shit and fed up. His response to this was to call me a cunt in front of DS this morning which I found disgusting and just shows his lack of respect for me.

Am I overreacting by telling him it's over? I know he will say he wants to stay together and be a family but I don't want my kids growing up around parents who don't paticually like each other and a father who thinks it's okay to call their mum a cunt.

I've had a feeling that this was coming so I have all my ducks in a row ready to leave him and raise the children on my own.

OP posts:

category12 · 10/07/2016 07:55

Sounds like the last straw.

No I wouldn't tolerate that kind of verbal abuse.

Fairylea · 10/07/2016 07:58

He's abusive. Calling you names is not acceptable.

What on earth was so important that he needs you to leave the house so he can do it?!

No way would I be going to mils.

dungandbother · 10/07/2016 07:59

You poor love
Don't wait for a last straw or last event that gives you permission to leave him.

You don't need such a reason. His ongoing disrespect is all you need. So leave whenever you want

Paddingtonthebear · 10/07/2016 07:59

No way would I tolerate that

marmiteloversunite · 10/07/2016 07:59

I think that is a disgusting thing to call anyone, especially someone who you are in a relationship with. Sorry you are having to deal with this at such a time.

ClaireVoyante · 10/07/2016 08:02

No. You are not overreacting. He should be concerned for you and doing anything possible to make you comfortable and safe.

If you have made arrangements then I guess this is not the first time he's behaved this way?

Dutchcourage · 10/07/2016 08:03

That's horrible.

I think you need to start thinking very carefully about how your children will feel when they get older and hear their father calling their mother a cunt.

I'm 24 weeks pregnant and quiet hormonal so get upset over slight things but this is such a derogatory and agressive way to speak to you, what will happen next if you don't do anything about it?

Howmuchisthatdoggyinthewindow · 10/07/2016 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 10/07/2016 08:04

He was wrong to call you a cunt.

I can understand he wants to get some jobs done before the baby arrives and would feel under pressure with that. I can understand he thought he was doing right by saying to go to his mums where you'd have help with your 1 year old.

On its own I wouldn't say it's worth leaving over as I can see things from both sides. However there's clearly massive back story to this otherwise you wouldn't have suspected it wasn't working out and already have all your ducks in a row.

bloodymaria · 10/07/2016 08:05

No, I wouldn't tolerate that.

And yes, he's an utter arsehole.

VioletBam · 10/07/2016 08:05

Dutch she obviously has done some careful thinking already. She's ready to leave. OP...leave. Now. Don't stand for the stress of this a MOMENT longer.

You're pregnant and stress is not good for you at all. Is it your house though? Rented? Owned? HE should be the one to move out.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 10/07/2016 08:06

You don't particularly like each other?
No, you're right, that's not a good environment to raise children in:

Hassled · 10/07/2016 08:08

I take it this is the latest in a long line of swearing at you/generally being a dick, so if it's the tipping point you need to go, then go. The MIL is presumably quite close - would he go to hers for the time being?

Original poster

Ellarose85 · 10/07/2016 08:13

Thank you for everyone's responses.

My mum will help me out as much as she can, I'm sure his mum will help too. She is a lovely woman.

I know I've not been easy to live with especially the last few days but I don't deserve how he treats me sometimes and makes me feel.

claire one of the last times he behaved like this was when I was about this far pregnant with DS and he kept going out until all hours/following day so I wasn't getting a lot of rest as I can't sleep until I know he is home and well so I went into labour completely shattered and my body just gave up leading to a lot of complications and me nearly dying - something that I've probably bottled up and held him responsible for. I also suffered with PND after DS which I think impacted on our relationship massively then I fell pregnant completely unplanned when DS was 3 months old so it's been a tough old slog for us both which could either make or break a couple, unfortunatly I think it has broken us.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ellarose85 · 10/07/2016 08:15

He owns the house and has said he will go to his mums until I can get my own place.

OP posts:

Two4601 · 10/07/2016 08:16

It won't end there. I used to put up with ExH calling me a cunt all the time. I left the day 5 year old DD called me a cunt and haven't looked back. They pick up on what they hear a lot more than you realise.

ClaireVoyante · 10/07/2016 08:24

I think it is very telling when someone behaves badly at a time when you most need their support. :(

Lean on family and friends and ask him to leave. You deserve better but most importantly you really do need to take good care of yourself.

user1466282058 · 10/07/2016 08:31

I put up with emotional and financial abuse for 6 months, I finally got him arrested when he smashed the house up and shoved me swearing and shouting in front of our 10 month old. You want to believe things will be ok everyone wants a happy family but the abuse will only escalate and get worse. It's a long road of uncertainty but I'm certain I have done the right things for my son and that's all that matters to me.
Good luck to you. I hope you have the support you need.
A few useful resources I've used
Step change- a charity that helps you with your finances and budgeting
Fair mortgages- free impartial advice that have access to 50 different lenders
Domestic abuse helpline - 0808 2000 247
Citizens advice

Mamia15 · 10/07/2016 08:44

As you are married, the house is half yours.

VioletBam · 10/07/2016 08:51

Yes...if you are married, you own half the house.

WibblyWobblyJellyHead · 10/07/2016 08:54

Agree that if you are married you own half the house. Don't leave, it's your children's home. He should leave and go to his parents.

Original poster

Ellarose85 · 10/07/2016 10:02

Well I've asked him to leave and been screamed at. It's my fault because I moan all the time apparently. I can't see him going easily and I have no where else to go.

OP posts:

VioletBam · 10/07/2016 10:07

If he screams at you and refuses to leave, then call the police. Get your child out of the house first...then tell him he's going. He can stay at his Mothers while the house is sold and the proceeds split.

FantasticButtocks · 10/07/2016 10:13

No I wouldn't tolerate that sort of behaviour. He sounds vile.

Original poster

Ellarose85 · 10/07/2016 10:26

He wants custody of the children, reckons I can't cope and I'm not stable enough. I knew all this would get said.

I doubt he will follow through with it once he realises how much extra time he can spend in the pub without the kids!

Says he is going to hit my brother etc.

Delightful.

OP posts:

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