Kids and new boyfriend, really need advice

[Mintychoc1]

I have no idea how to handle this, and I wondered if anyone could share their experiences.

I am a single mum to 2 DSs (age 10 and 7), conceived using donor sperm so no legal father. Up until a few months ago I was happy with just my work, friends and DCs - I have been out for about 5 evenings in the last 10 years - my whole life has revolved around my kids, with work being the only other thing that took up my time.

However I have recently started seeing someone, just over 3 months ago. I really really like him, it's going very well, and I can see a future in it. He comes round after the kids have gone to bed, about 3 evenings a week, so they have no idea he's there and it doesn't affect them at all. However, I thought it would be a good idea to gradually introduce the idea that I now have a boyfriend (I told them about him after about a month), and the kids have met him briefly on a couple of occasions.

DS1 is 10 and is finding it very hard. He is a worrying about everything - will we get married, will we move, will we split up, what if they don't get on - and he is basically really angry and upset with me. It's not helped by the fact that he is in going to secondary school in September, so massive changes ahead - the timing is awful.

Obviously if my kids had a dad that they saw, then this wouldn't be an issue, as I'd have plenty of opportunity to do what I liked when the kids weren't with me. But I have no one else who can look after them apart from grandparents when I'm working (they can't manage any more than that).

I don't know what to do. Should I end it with the new man, even though I really like him? Should I continue to only see him for a few hours in the evenings when the kids are in bed? Should I keep arranging for us to do low-key things all together intermittently?

I try to reassure DS1 that I will always love him and put him first, but he doesn't hear me. I've also tried to explain that there is no way we'll be moving or changing our domestic arrangements, it is very early days etc.

DS2 is younger and generally more chilled, so he says he's not bothered about any of it.

I'm very upset about it, as I don't know what to do, and I don't want to upset my kids.

Op, I have a 3 year old. I know that is slightly different, but his father and I split up when he was 5 months old, so he had never seen me with another man.

I didn't have a great deal of time to date, and when I met DP we spent a long time either dating when I had a babysitter or when DS was at his dad's or grandparents, going for lunch when he was at nursery, coffee etc (it did help that I met him at work!)

We then gradually started with him coming over when DS was in bed. Then we did a day out for DS, to the zoo, and eased him in gently. He didn't meet DS for about 5 months.

Long story short, he now lives with us, DS adores him, and he adores DS.

I felt guilty. But I have need too. The fundamental thing was that I was very sure, very early, that DP was someone very special.
I still did it slowly and gradually.

Your children have had a long time with you alone, they are going to find it hard.
Good luck!

Sounds like DS1 is in fairly dire need of some counseling.

A 10 year old in tears at having a babysitter? Something there is haywire.

I think he'd freak out if I suggested counselling. He's happy and independent most of the time - sleepovers and school residential trips are no problem - but he can't bear me going out in the evening, gets angry and indignant that I see fit to have a social life. He gets cross if I'm on the phone or texting friends when he wants my attention, which rarely happens anyway. Hence me taking the path of least resistance and not bothering with a social life for the past decade!

That's awful for you mintychoc. That you feel you can neither be open and honest nor tell him the truth. Either will / does hurt him.

I'm ''lucky'' that my kids are ok with a babysitter. Can you identify two different babysitters and offer your son the choice. X or Y? make him feel less powerless.

But like others have said, it could be worth asking him why he minds that you have a boyfriend? go through it all bit by bit. You only have ONE son and that'll never change no matter how many friends (female friends) you may have.

when I was dating the man who met my kids, I made a point of telling my then 12 year old that we weren't moving. Because when we moved in to this house, the woman who moved out of it was a single parent who'd met somebody and they'd pooled resources and bought a bigger place. She knew that story and wondered if that was on my agenda.

'DS1 hated nursery, so I got a nanny instead. I had 2 nannies, both lovely, but DS1 was still in tears each time I left to go to work, and rang me in tears after school. He's ultra-sensitive, always has been.'

You need to get to the bottom of that. Would you consider family therapy? And / or an assessment for him. You need to work out what is bothering him, and how you can work together to change it and get him more comfortable with it.

Is he happy to go to friends houses? go on sleepovers? has he been away on any overnight residential trips, or a weekend, or a week?

So my advice is: try again, but don't impose it on him. Find a structure and almost certainly some professional support to work through the issues and find ways to address his fears and build his confidence to be comfortable without you.

With all this going on, it was, at best, naïve to expect him to accept the idea of a boyfriend.

With your boyfriend this is what I would do:

• discuss with him that this is tough on your son, and that it has revealed other issues (the refusal to be left with anyone else) and that you have realised you need to work on that now. (If you pursue this relationship while your son is this unhappy, you will set yourself up to fail: its unlikely your son will ever just 'get happy' about it).
• note that his children are also struggling.
• suggest that you press the pause button for a few months while you both work on your families, and seek to find ways to support their security. If this man is worth it he will see the wisdom of all this, and agree.

THEN: speak to your son. Tell him you realise you have made mistakes in the way you have gone about it, that it is unsettling for him, that you are sorry, and that you are stopping the relationship for the time being. Come clean (e.g. about the evenings), give him space to ask any questions that he can.
However, I would tell him that you would like to create some space for your own life and relationships, and that may include romantic relationships in the future.
IE, let him know that you accept that you have gone about this in the wrong way, that you have hurt him, that now you understand this you are prioritising him now. But maintain that you also (in principle and in the long run) have the right to a life and friendships of your own.

Separately, discuss with him, and start the process of finding support for him and you to get to the bottom of, and ultimately get comfortable with spending time with people other than you.

Once you are making progress there, you can (SLOWLY) restart your relationship, or look for a new one. But keep it apart from your son's lives until they, especially your eldest, has had plenty of time to establish some new found confidence and broaden horizons.
E.g., when you get to the point of your son being happy with a babysitter or equivalent, use that time for something for you, which you can come back and tell them about. Don't go on a date with your current boyfriend straight away (and lie to them about it: they will know).

Someone told me once that the heart always knows when it is being lied to, which I think is true.

'I think he'd freak out if I suggested counselling. He's happy and independent most of the time - sleepovers and school residential trips are no problem - but he can't bear me going out in the evening, gets angry and indignant that I see fit to have a social life. He gets cross if I'm on the phone or texting friends when he wants my attention, which rarely happens anyway. Hence me taking the path of least resistance and not bothering with a social life for the past decade!'

You need to parent him. You have been letting him control you. This is the root of your problem. And you must, lest you leave him to grow up and become a controlling adult (if he can do this to you, what would he do to a girlfriend...?)

But if you conflate re-asserting yourself with your wish to have a boyfriend your son will pin it all on him and hate him forever.

I would find a family therapist or child psychologist that you start off working with, to explore strategies for how to change it, and then perhaps draw him into the sessions (or leave him to have some one to ones without you) further down the line.

Concede on the boyfriend for the time being, but reassert your right to, and actual social life as soon as possible.

At the root of this there will be fear and insecurity in your son. You need to find him support to explore and resolve that, as well as practically changing your life.

The further posts about sleepovers and nannies does suggest this is not about having a boyfriend at all this is about him not wanting you to do anything that doesn't involve him. He doesn't just react like this about a boyfriend he does it when you're texting friends as well.
You need to get to the bottom of this. Whether that is through counselling or whether you feel you have just given him and let him control your life. But this is something you have to address for his sake more than anything.

Obviously I meant protect him OR tell him the truuth!

I agree with GoodLuck, put the boyfriend on the back burner while you sort out these other issues with your children.

For a 10-year-old to completely control the situation with guilt and hysteria and emotional manipulation is grim. For him and for you. He's going to have a miserable life as most people won't put up with that sort of claptrap - you need to find him some therapy as soon as possible.

Exactly what Goodluck said. This isn't a boyfriend issue, it's a kid-who-controls-his-mothers'-every-move issue. Which is far bigger and far more dangerous.

It sounds as if you have allowed your DS to control what you do and as such he has learned that being manipulative, crying, sulking, wining will get him what he wants.

IMO people are all too quick to jump to the "he needs therapy," conclusion, which may be what he needs, but it may be that you just need to set firmer boundaries if you have previously had a habit of giving up things for a quiet life.

He's ten now, not a baby. He needs to learn in no uncertain terms that sulking because you are texting your friends is not acceptable behaviour and that you won't stand for it. Similarly I would make a habit of going out at least once every couple of weeks, hire a babysitter who is experienced, some childminders will do babysitting, and make it clear that this is your time to be out with friends, doing something for you.

It's a very easy trap to fall into when you are the only person in your children's life, to feel that you somehow need to be the one who is always there. Been there, done that. But you do have the right to your own time as well, and he is old enough to be told.

Bearing in mind that he is reaching those pre teen years, and will then be a teenager. If he's selfish and sulky now you are in for a nightmare few years when he reaches teenagehood.

that's true. a teenage babysitter mightn't be able for it but if you explained to an older qualified childminder what the problem is, they'd have learnt about how to deal best with the situation. and keep going out until he accepts it because it isn't cruel. x

Please don't take this the wrong way, but your son is holding you hostage here. Millions of kids go to nursery have childminders, who they probably took a while to get used to but were fine in the end. What if you didn't have a mum who was able or willing to look after him? Would you have given up work?

You're entitled to a social life and your DS1 is being very selfish here. I know he's a child, but he must see his friends with partners and realise it's normal.

He'll soon get older and develop romantic relationships of his own and you could have missed a real nice man in that time. Don't let him dictate your life for you. You are entiltled to companionship and you've done a good job so far.

Just spend time with your BF when the kids aren't around for now as you've been doing.

Yes I think the boyfriend is a red herring, the real problem is that DS1 has not yet learned that if Mum goes off and does something he'll be OK. He's quite old to still not know this.

OP two of our biggest job of parents are to show our children that

1. life doesnt necessarily run as we want it but they will still be ok (because you are still looking out for their interests) this lesson breeds confidence and resilience and healthy relationships

and that:

2. mum is a person who has a life and outside interests, passions, friends. And yeah, maybe even a romantic partner. An important model for them to learn for their future adult romantic relationships.

I think the best way to go about it isn't to engage in 'I'll always put you first' conversations (this is quite an adult style conversation, I wonder whether your relationship with ds1 is quite adult-adult rather than adult-child) just go about it in a low key way and don't react so much to his anxieties. Let him see that his worries aren't yours, you are the adult, calm, confident in ds abilities to cope. Lead by example...

Keep seeing this lovely man. Low key event seems a perfect way for ds to meet him.

Good luck OP.

Great that there are so many opposing views on here. - opens up the debate eh! I also admire how you've held your ground op I've never been able to manage it

Perhaps you could aim for broadening your family social life by socialising with a group - instead of just the One Special Person. Do you get the opportunity to do that? I brought up my kids moreorless alone and know FULL WELL that groups don't happen much when you're a LP because the marrieds think you're going to steal/corrupt their spouses but there are a lot of LP orgs you could join. Perhaps your son would feel less threatened by seeing you with many friends around.

your ds may be controlling you... but I'd put my money on some deep something going on with him. He's also only ever seen you dedicate your entire life to him and his sister. I did similar - by default, mostly - and it wasn't great for my kids in the long run.

Mothering eh - can't get it bloody right! Whatever you do is Wrong and will Damage Your Children. pfft.