Found out he's married...how do I deal with this

[lauren42]

I've been seeing someone for 8 months. He works in the same building but at a different company two floors above. He said he was separated and tonight I found out he lives with his wife. We bumped into his neighbour who talked about the hedge and how he'd spoken to my DP's wife about it earlier and she'd said my DP had said he'd already paid a contractor to come round. It was all said with such ease, it shocked me. I had been to DP's house!! It turns out she works in London, Tuesday to Friday. There's nothing in the house of her, except a couple of photos with the kids but he said they were up for the sake of the kids.

I went crazy with him. We have just argued for 4 hours. He said they never have sex, dont share a bed, have plans to formally separate. How can he have done this to me? He said he had only moved down here a year ago and so I have never met any friends of his apart from his colleagues. I am in shock. Why would he do this. 8 months.

Well, he's lied to you every day for eight months so....

Run, run for the hills and don't look back.

Liars and cheaters like him will not change, so dump him like a hot potato.

I agree don't speak to him unless it's strictly necessary at work and not alone. At the very least he is likely to try persuading you into emotional conversations that have no place at work. If at all possible avoid but if he tries to drag you into chats and whatnot at work I'd threaten to tell his boss / wife unless he leaves you alone.

This is really horrible and I do feel for you, must be a terrible shock.

It's always really tough when we believe in a version of someone that turns out to be false. I agree with PP who say to think of the guy you knew as being gone, non-existent. The person you talk to from now on is the actual him..might sound and look the same but it's not the person you thought it was.

Lots of people have been conned by clever manipulative types, often because those of us who are honest and upfront don't realise the extent others might go to to play their little games and spin their fantasies. When you are a truthful and open person you sort of assume others are the same.

There is no shame on you for being taken in by a manipulator. You did nothing wrong, you went into this with integrity and you can keep that integrity and self-worth. You aren't like him and it's not your fault he chose to lie and deceive you. That's all on him.

You sound lovely and I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Oh love, I'm so sorry, what a fucking bastard.

Have you got good friends you can lean on?

Please, whatever you do, don't do the 'pick me dance ' he's so not worth it, and will only make you miserable.

Pick yourself up, you'll be OK

Walk away, there is better out there. And yes get a STI check. If he loves you he will leave her. To my shame I met my husband when he was living with another girl. We kissed once and he had left her and moved out within a week of that. If he loved you he would have left.

I split from my ex a year ago after finding out about his affair.

The day I came across his messages to her within 20hr period. Over 300 messages. All through the night. 2 am 3 am when I was asleep. Funny thing is I was the night owl in the house. He would pretend to sleep and text her all the time. When I did go to bed he would be awake not long after.
Or whilst we were both watching TV he would be chatting on the group what's app chats of the boys. All lies.
He was chatting to her non stop whilst being surrounded by me and his kids.

Course she's crazy - they always are! My cheating arse of a husband used this one to - and he's still bandying it about now!

In all these months did you ever see and stay at his home? If not, you must have had some idea that he wasn't all he claimed.

I can't believe that DutchCourage's introduced her to his parents

He must have been semi-separated to have done that ??

OP I feel for you. I have been doing internet dating and I thought I was going to meet a nice guy only about three weeks ago. His profile came up on my 'people you may know' and I could see that although his settings were fairly well locked down, he was still 'friends' with a woman with the same unusual sur name, so I look on her page and lo and behold, she chats about R88888 and the kids, in recent posts.

My now xh did this to me when I was on holiday with the children camping .... He is still doing it now to ow , so sorry this has happened to you, and yes get tested , I found out to late , he then turned violent

madamecholet she did stay at his house!

I know if I'd been to a man's house several times, I'd stop lookinng for clues he was married. If it doesn't occur to you, you don't walk around with your eyes out on sticks looking for it.

Firsttimer is right if he loved you he would leave her and try and make a go of it with you, but they never do leave their 'crazy wife'.

💐. I'm sorry, it's utterly shit.

What did he say his reason was for not telling you all of this?

He's lying. He will undoubtedly lie some more to try and get himself out of the hole he is in. He will tell you he loves you. He will tell you all sorts of things so you will think that he is innocent, kind and lovely and his wife is crazy, unwell, selfish and vile.

All lies. All lies.

Walk away now. Be proud. You will find someone far better than him. Stay, and you demean yourself.

*Don't go into work tomorrow (sickness/food poisoning/anything)

• Wallow in the morning, go somewhere inspiring in the afternoon (gallery, walk/whatever floats your boat) *Ignore all his calls/communications. *Try and book holiday asap - if you can go away next week do. *Find a counsellor, talk it through with them.. *Stay absolutely determined to move on.

He's a liar and a cheat. Once a shit always a shit. This is not the man for you. He will not make you happy.
You have to throw everything you've got into staying away from his bullshit until you are strong enough to resist his communications...

Lauren , speaking as a X crazy wife, you will be ok, I know how you are feeling , my whole married life was a game, cherade, you must clear your head and never be swayed again, when a man seems perfect they rarely are or to good to be true. Take care .

Don't EVER waste another 4 minutes of your life with this tosspot. Spend the next 4 minutes by deleting him and blocking him from everything. Trust me.

I was with a man like this once. He made me feel special. Permanently contacted me. Wanted to know every detail of my life. Then when I found out he had a partner, the acted like it was the toughest decisions of his life and he needed to leave her etc.
I walked ran away during his deliberations, heartbroken it was so hard. Within a month he was on his next very intense affair. (i've since found out he'd walked out of a previous very intense affair just before me. Men like this a serial womanisers. They need to have several women at once for their ego.

Yes it's all ego boosting sadly.

Just call the wife to confirm the separation. Easy.

Doesn't he have the fact he's married listed on social media? Friends with her on fb? Did you see him on weekends when his wife is home?

"My ex-wife is crazy" is such a standard cheater lie.

Ah, yes. Crazy wife...no sex...etc

I used to work as a barmaid. It was remarkable how many men's wives were crazy and frigid, especially late at night.

It's called the big lie.
Men like this go for honest and very straightforward women never the game players (too like themselves).

They tell lies so big no normal person would consider rational - therefore they must be telling the truth as lies that big would be so stupid and cruel and just plain ridiculous that rationally they must be true.

It's a form of mental illness and to be brutal you aren't going to cure them . In a normal relationship the intimacy is what makes it special - but these men are never genuinely intimate as they are constantly holding something of themselves back to ensure they don't slip up with their lies and get caught out.

It's actually quite sad because they will never know a full and truely intimate relationship but they cause a lot of unhappiness. You feel hurt, angry and maybe a little bit foolish. Don't......you did nothing but try and build an honest relationship - He's the fool.

Hold your head high - and if you were known as a couple at work - simply say "He wasn't the man I thought he was so I ended it" and keep your dignity.

It's true. Where's the challenge in kidding a fellow game player.
where's the fun in having casual sex with somebody who chose HIM for casual sex.
how is the ego stroked by having sex with somebody who doesn't want you either

they choose women who don't want casual sex to have casual sex with.
same as avoidant men don't choose other avoidant women to have their push pull distance pursue attachments with.

argh!