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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out he's married...how do I deal with this

80 replies

lauren42 · 05/07/2016 19:45

I've been seeing someone for 8 months. He works in the same building but at a different company two floors above. He said he was separated and tonight I found out he lives with his wife. We bumped into his neighbour who talked about the hedge and how he'd spoken to my DP's wife about it earlier and she'd said my DP had said he'd already paid a contractor to come round. It was all said with such ease, it shocked me. I had been to DP's house!! It turns out she works in London, Tuesday to Friday. There's nothing in the house of her, except a couple of photos with the kids but he said they were up for the sake of the kids.

I went crazy with him. We have just argued for 4 hours. He said they never have sex, dont share a bed, have plans to formally separate. How can he have done this to me? He said he had only moved down here a year ago and so I have never met any friends of his apart from his colleagues. I am in shock. Why would he do this. 8 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
lauren42 · 05/07/2016 20:04

How do I get over this? I have to see him at work and I love my job. I have to see him because our companies interact and so sometimes he will be involved in a project I am on. I can definitely reduce contact but it won't be completely cut out.

I feel so fucking angry and so heartbroken.

OP posts:
Original poster
lauren42 · 05/07/2016 20:05

i know it sounds obvious to just leave him..and i will! but it is so hard. i thought we were madly in love this time yesterday.

OP posts:
Thisisnow16 · 05/07/2016 20:09

The only way you can get over it is to think how his wife would feel and think what a .....,,,

CapsicumCat21 · 05/07/2016 20:09

He speaks to me EVERY night. All night, texting. There is no way he sleeps in the same room as his wife. That's the ONLY thing I think he's being truthful about.*

Don't be too sure about this. You can send text messages to a phone from a computer so he could appear to be on his laptop to his wife which appears less suspicious than being on his phone. My ex used to do this when he was cheating on me. I later found the saved messages when he was boasting to OW what he was doing!!!

Sorry this happened to you. Something similar happened to me but I only found out after 12 months. Just don't listen to the lies and cut all contact.

Original poster
lauren42 · 05/07/2016 20:12

I suppose that's true he could be. I think he is telling the truth for some of it. But still, if they're not together WHY THE FUCK DOESN'T SHE KNOW ABOUT ME.

it's so messed up.

I hate him and love him and I'm in utter shock. Who the fuck thinks it is ok to do this to people??????

OP posts:
Girlgonewild · 05/07/2016 20:17

Sadly it's very common indeed. I would usually do things like check the electoral roll, check the title deeds to his house on the Land Registry website etc - might sound over cautious but I have found it really pays off to do that kind of checking on people.

Anyway at least you know now. So you have to decide if you want to persuade him to leave his wife and children; or if you can accept what he has to offer; or if you want to break it up. Three choices. Most people would just break it off.

Kittencatkins123 · 05/07/2016 20:20

Sorry OP but I've been in bed with one person and always called and stayed up texting someone else - even right into the early hours. (I'm not married and wasn't having sex with the 'OM' but it was complicated. Yeah, I'm not always a great girlfriend) Other person could be asleep, he could pretend it's work, playing a game on phone etc
So sorry this has happened Flowers

ijustwannadance · 05/07/2016 20:23

Yeh, the wife/partner is always crazy and no sex blah blah.

It also means he probably wouldn't think twice about doing the same to you.

In regards to work, you will just need to suck it up and ignore him if you want to stay there unfortunately. It will ease and you will get over it.

JennyMe · 05/07/2016 20:24

Definitely run and never look back even if you're crying with devastation on the way.

Dutchcourage · 05/07/2016 20:25

Of course he can text you while near her. Just like my ex did to me with the phone on silent 'playing candy crush' or 'talking to boys about football' OR going down stairs while she is asleep. He also did it to me behind both our backs with his step brothers girlfriend!

He told you a massive lie. You can never trust him.

You will absolutly meet and trust some o D again. I did and married my lovely DH.

Pearlman · 05/07/2016 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ample · 05/07/2016 20:28

Why would he do this?
Really? You're asking this question Hmm
I would imagine to said it to make it easier for him to have sex with another woman, ie: you. And maybe more. So yes I would get tested for STD's.
Sorry Flowers. Trust is hard to find these days

Oh yes and the wives are all crazy. Yes I've heard that lame excuse before. You deserve better. Cry it out (you're entitled to be upset and hurt) but move on

Original poster
lauren42 · 05/07/2016 20:29

Thank you for replying.

I feel completely devastated. I trusted this man with my life. And I'm usually so cautious. I can't believe this has happened.

My faith in the world is shattered. Dreading work tomorrow and im cross about that because I like my job and he's fucked me up so much.

OP posts:
DavetheCat2001 · 05/07/2016 20:34

Of course you'll get over it. Not right now because it's a massive shock, raw and horrible, but you will and you'll look back on the creep and shudder.

You've had a lucky escape..even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Men who cheat will cheat again and again. You'd never feel secure or be able to trust someone like that.

DO NOT talk to him whilst emotional and let him talk you round with a sob story.

Always keep a tight grip on your pride x

emilybrontescorset · 05/07/2016 20:35

What a shit he is.

Sorry this has happened to you op.
If he bothers you again threaten to tell his wife.

Dutchcourage · 05/07/2016 20:36

I was introduced to his dad and step mum. They didn't even say a word. I also met his kids who were under three years old.

They do it because they are fucked up. This isn't your fault

MammaTJ · 05/07/2016 20:36

OK, until know, you have been the OW without knowing it, you were not to blame.

From now on, if this continues, you will be as much at fault as he is! Can you live with that knowledge?

So, you end it, which I think you will as an honest person, and return to your real life. It will be hard but a lot easier than being the OW would be for you.

SandyY2K · 05/07/2016 20:38

Standard cheating lies.

We live like roommates
We're seperated
Only together for the kids
She's crazy
She's cold and frigid
We don't sleep together
Can't divorce for religious reasons

I'll send you a link with some helpful info hopefully.

ohtheholidays · 05/07/2016 20:40

OP your wrong she could be in the room whilst he's texting you.

I knew someone who did exactly that,he was still very much married,his wife had no idea there was any problems.He'd be on the computer in the same room as her sitting across from her telling another women what he wanted to do to her and arranging to meet up with her.

He'd be on the phone texting all through the night with his wife asleep next him OP,so it does happen.

Like other posters have said I'd run if I was you and I hope his poor wife founds out what a shit he really is.

LordyMe · 05/07/2016 20:43

We have just argued for 4 hours

Why bother? All you needed to do is tell him it's over and block all means of communication. Then you get on with your life. Be kind to yourself and feel free to feel sad. Don't forget to keep reminding yourself that you have had a lucky escape.

Thanks
EarthboundMisfit · 05/07/2016 20:47

The only thing to do is think of him as gone. The person you thought he was wasn't real. He has shown you his true self now, and he is a liar. Cut all contact. Don't let him talk to you.

JudyCoolibar · 05/07/2016 20:47

You can get over it. You tell him you don't have relationships with cheating liars, you tell him to fuck off, and you walk away with your head held high. See if you can change to work that avoids interacting with his employers, but if you can', treat him completely professionally, keep communications to a bare minimum and never speak to him on his own. Above all, remember that you are worth much more than this scumbag.

confusionoftheillusion · 05/07/2016 20:51

OP sorry This has happened.

The most likely scenario is what everyone is saying.... However.... There is a chance that what he's saying is true but they haven't told people they've split yet hence neighbours comment. This happened to a friend of mine and the separated couple were very religious Muslims so hadn't managed to tell people they were divorcing.

He could also not have told his wife because they aren't divorced and he didn't want to rock the boat with her on the divorce so was biding his time.

Personally I would be extremely cynical but would give him one chance to explain himself. As long as you're sure your bullshit radar can take it...

Either way he's massively lied and been COMPLETELY out of order but I personally wouldn't be able to walk away without getting to the bottom of why. (But that's just how I am and it's not necessarily a good thing!)

pippinandtog · 05/07/2016 20:52

Sorry for you, lauren.
Nothing to add to all the good advice from your MN friends, just do what they all say.
And do keep your pride.

maggiethemagpie · 05/07/2016 20:53

If you walk away now you are sending a big message to yourself that you deserve better!

And something better will, in time, come because you've set your standards.

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