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Original poster

Any advice for starting again after separating

42 replies

Lilfroggi1 · 05/07/2016 12:37

Hi me and my husband separated in October looking back we hadn't been happy for a while and things had been strained. He was the one who left it all happened quickly I wanted to sort things out he didn't, we have a 8 year old daughter. We have tried to keep it amicable even though sometimes it was hard. He wants to try again but I'm not really sure what to do or how to go about it really i wanted to spend some time together

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 05/07/2016 12:43

Well do just that - spend time together.
But I would advise that you do it away from your child, so as not to get her hopes up until you are certain.
Perhaps one night a week date night, and one night a week couples counselling.
By the way: if he won't go to counselling, he's not committed to you, don't even try getting back together.

Do you know why he left?
Does he know?
Do you even want him back? (for him, try to forget the temptation to have a family together, and the practical ease of it)

He has put you and your daughter through a lot - he needs to be certain. And even if he is certain - you may not be.

You know the phrase the grass is always greener?
I like the phrase the grass is greener where you water it.

Is he actually wanting to come back and water the grass?
Or is he just disappointed the bachelor life didn't work out?

I hate to be so blunt about this, but be very careful that there wasn't another woman involved who has either dumped him, is less attractive now it's not exciting and illicit, or has failed to leave her own partner.

This is in YOUR terms. He has to work for this.

Original poster
Lilfroggi1 · 05/07/2016 12:43

Sorry that sent to early so I will carry on I wanted to start seeing each other without our daughter as I don't want to get her hopes up. But I just find at the moment we seemed to have created a tension by trying to be honest and discuss what went wrong just looking for some advice on what to do and can it work?

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Cabrinha · 05/07/2016 12:47

I'm not surprised that honesty leads to tension.
I would consider that you are not perfect at communicating on this and get professional help.
Go to counselling together.

Cabrinha · 05/07/2016 12:49

As to whether it can work - why not?
If he made a massive mistake and you can forgive him in time for that, understand and fix the underlying reasons, you could come out stronger than ever.
I would be age appropriate honest with my child - that you had falling a out just like she does and you've had to work really hard at understanding the best way to be friends again.

But... If this happened because of an undeclared other woman, or if he doesn't engage in working on it with you (like counselling) then no, I don't think it will work.

ChicRock · 05/07/2016 12:52

What exactly were the reasons he told you that he left?

What is he telling you he has he learned from your time apart and what are the reasons he wants to try again?

What exactly does 'trying again' look like to him? Has he suggested counselling, come up with any practical ideas or is it just vague mumbling?

Original poster
Lilfroggi1 · 05/07/2016 12:57

Thanks cabrinha I'm not sure really how I feel I suppose I think when it happened I was in shock then for a few months I was overthinking everything and then had to make a conscious effort to stop thinking about things. But now I try and think about what went wrong I find it really hard to start thinking about things such as what I want and what I need. I know I hadn't really moved on I didn't start dating or looking, but then it was harder as my daughter didn't want to stay with him. He said he hadn't other than had a kiss with someone on a night out maybe more happens but I will never know, also he did say that in April he went on a dating site for a few days and decided against it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilfroggi1 · 05/07/2016 13:03

Hi chic rock, his main reasons that he was un happy and didn't think he loved me anymore and he hadn't been happy for months and started being quite grumpy and distant but he did turn 40 the month before he decided to leave. Also my confidence and self esteem were low as I was having a hard time in work and I think how he was to me didn't help, He has said he thinks he did contribute to my confidence issues and he was really sorry for that he realised that from moving in with his brother and mum as his brother is similar if not more like that

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Cabrinha · 05/07/2016 13:04

Wait - this kiss on a night out, that was before you split, yes?

Actually it's wrong that you'll "never know".

You would know, if he was honest and you were able to 100% trust his honesty.

You really think that's all that happened? Again, I'm sorry to be blunt, but that's a big bloody thing! To kiss someone else.

I never tried again with my XH, but after we split he joined Match and POF (I had his password). Whilst I was getting reasonable interest and going out on dates, I know that in 8 months til a friend set him up, via OLD he got precisely zero dates, and couldn't even get a conversation going. 48, not awful looking, dull profile though and only ever mailed dull crap like "hello want to talk?" and "I like your profile". So... That's an example of a man who probably thought dating would be easy. The cynic in me says there's every chance your husband is the same.

He needs to prove to you that this is genuine. A realisation that he loves you and has made the biggest mistake of his life that he'll do anything to fix. Are you feeling that from him? Or do you just think he wants you to forgive and forget?

Cabrinha · 05/07/2016 13:09

It's probably not much fun living back with mum.
And perhaps she's said "this is temporary - time for you to move out now" and the financial reality has hit him.

I know I'm being very negative here.
But you need your wits about you.

Very least, counselling - and BEFORE he moves back.

MegFlyAway · 05/07/2016 13:11

his main reasons that he was un happy and didn't think he loved me anymore and he hadn't been happy for months and started being quite grumpy and distant

This really is the sign of another woman being involved.

He's said there was a kiss on a night out?

I'd be very careful proceeding here.

Original poster
Lilfroggi1 · 05/07/2016 13:21

No the kiss was after we split around Christmas time. He is living on his own now. I don't feel that he will do anything to get me back it seems like he is waiting for me to say something I couldn't have home back in the house until I was sure of anything I don't trust him much as when he left he broke my trust then. I'm not sure what to do really and also I'm not great at saying how I'm feeling.

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Cabrinha · 05/07/2016 13:59

You seem to be avoiding the comments about counselling.
If you're not great about not saying what you feel, and you don't trust him, why wouldn't you get professional help?

Absolutely do not bother with him unless he is pulling out all the stops. Which he isn't.

Original poster
Lilfroggi1 · 05/07/2016 14:15

Hi sorry didn't mean to avoid the counselling question I did ask him to go when we first separated and he wouldn't Go as he felt they would blames him. I haven't asked him again it has been something I've been thinking of though but I think he needs to make of an effort as well. thank you all you have given me somethings to think about x

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Saltfish · 05/07/2016 14:29

Sounds like he wants an easy life and not necessarily you.

Cabrinha · 05/07/2016 16:03

Well I'm not surprised he didn't want counselling when he was resolved to go. But it's really got to be a bare minimum now.

Lethimbloodygrowup · 05/07/2016 22:35

Me and my partner split up last year, got back together 3 months later, if anything it made our relationship stronger, we have been through alot the last 2 months, but we have stuck by each other and we are out the other end

Original poster
Lilfroggi1 · 05/07/2016 23:13

Did you find it hard to begin with starting again or did it happen naturally and also do you have children I hope you don't mind me asking

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RedMapleLeaf · 06/07/2016 06:57

A question that helped me move on was, "if I was starting from scratch, would this be the kind of man I'd want to date?".

Original poster
Lilfroggi1 · 12/07/2016 20:31

Hi thank you I'm still not sure I think I have decided not to go back but I had a bit of a shock I had a letter from someone today it was anonymous saying he had been seeing someone and that they wanted me to know about it could I ask what you would do at the moment I was going to keep it quiet until he drops my daughter off tomorrow so I can ask him to see his reaction and while I was doing that I was going to send a message to her asking what was going on? Do you think this is wise I haven't spoken to any of my friends as I was looking for some impartial advice

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Incognita82 · 13/07/2016 09:04

I think you have your confirmation here don't you? It's probably the girlfriend feeling insecure who sent the note.

Don't touch him with a bargepole love. Never go back!

Original poster
Lilfroggi1 · 13/07/2016 10:46

I know I can't now just feel in complete shock. I'm going to make myself look nice so I have more confidence he was coming to talk about what went wrong in our relationship. I really just want to see his face when I tell him and the thing is I'm going to let her know that I know too just before we start talking does that make me bitter though?

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Horopu · 13/07/2016 10:58

You've got lots of good advice and I hope you manage to keep calm when you talk to him about the letter.

My advice would be, whatever happens, to get counselling for yourself. My husband left me a year ago and it has been so so helpful.

Original poster
Lilfroggi1 · 13/07/2016 12:36

Hi Horopu thanks I had some counciling earlier in the year and I am on a waiting list to get some more they did ring the other week but it is the day I have off and with the summer holidays coming up I couldn't work as I wanted to spend time with my daughter it hope to start it after the 6 weeks which I know will help thanks

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Original poster
Lilfroggi1 · 24/07/2016 08:01

Hi just an update we haven't got back together some of you were right it was just easy wanting to get back with me and I was better than what he had seen on tinder. But can I ask you what tips can you give for really moving on this time I am waiting for counciling should I try dating apps I'm just really hurt all over again but think I need to do something different from what I did before, which was no dating and trying to heal myself but I'm not sure that worked really as I suppose it made me vulnerable to how he wanted me back

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Cary2012 · 24/07/2016 09:14

Hi, it needs to start with you seeing yourself as separate to him. You don't need to date again to stop yourself from being vulnerable to getting back with him. You certainly don't need a partner to be whole. I think you need to forget dating for the time being. Have as little contact with him as possible, spend time thinking (not brooding) about what you want, and just live through it. Rushing into a new relationship won't numb the pain of this one finishing, it just pushes it down then when the new relationship goes wrong, the pain resurfaces. So you need to take time for yourself now. That's how you start to heal.