Any advice for starting again after separating

[Lilfroggi1]

Hi me and my husband separated in October looking back we hadn't been happy for a while and things had been strained. He was the one who left it all happened quickly I wanted to sort things out he didn't, we have a 8 year old daughter. We have tried to keep it amicable even though sometimes it was hard. He wants to try again but I'm not really sure what to do or how to go about it really i wanted to spend some time together

[Lilfroggi1]

Hi thanks Horopu hope your cold is better. It has been an ok week did a day spa the Monday she left. Decided to strip her wallpaper in her room ready to decorate once she has chosen the colours and I also went away for a night with my mum but I have kept myself busy which was good. But I still found I kept thinking of the whole situation and getting upset sometimes at how much I have been a fool and that I had still hoped we could of sorted it out before the last rubbish that happened. I just don't really know what to do or how I feel I suppose I do feel a bit like I am having a bit of a midlife crises about all areas in my life I want my daughter to be happy and proud of me. I was so happy to see her tonight and we had lots of big cuddles so that was amazing

[Horopu]

Sorry, I've not been back here for ages. You sound like you are doing a good job. A week of her away will be hard for you but you will survive! My DS3, aged 10 now spends a week with his dad and then a week with me. He seems to cope with it ok, so I just make sure I do some nice things for myself and get lots of work done so that when he is with me we can have fun. I'm lucky in that I still have my middle boy at home all the time so there is always someone to chat to. (My oldest has started uni). Good luck for her holiday.
I hope this makes sense, it a cold winter's evening here in NZ and I'm full of cold, so not very coherent!

[Minime85]

Hi op. It will be a tough week but you will be so pleased to see your dd when she gets back. Hopefully he will do the right thing and get her to call you at least once. Mine were away for a week at the start of the summer and that's the longest I've had and it was really hard by the Wednesday. I just had to tell myself I knew they were having a good time. It's hard though and I'm 3 years away from where you are so still so very raw for you. Keep busy and when he comes back you need to try and set up a routine about your dd. You all need to know where you stand and not him demanding anything.

[Lilfroggi1]

Hi thanks minime hope your holidays are going ok? I have managed to get some time off and have some plans in place now so that is helping to keep things going. But I am dreading next week as she is off on holiday for a week with him and his mum it's the first time we will have been apart for more than 2 days as she hasn't been keen on going to stay with him so this will be a long week for both of us. He seems to be more demanding at the moment concerning her and seeing her, but I think it is mainly the fact that he cross as things haven't gone his way.

[Minime85]

Just take it a day at a time at this stage really. Get some things on the calendar to enjoy with your daughter just simple things like the park or going somewhere for the day. You don't have to rush into the formal process as yet just take it your time. In some ways the dust needs to settle. I'm about 3 years down the line now. Going to solicitors tomorrow to do a will and have had difficult conversations with ex as I'm resident parent.

[Lilfroggi1]

Hi how are you Horopu and minime how are things with both of you? I'm just trying to take things slow and calm down the only thing that worries me is that he seems to be trying his hardest to be awkward and hold information back about various things. I just need a break and I'm trying to get time off from work and they are being awkward too, and my daughter says she hasn't seen me much in the holidays so that is making me feel guilty. Just feeling exhausted

[Lilfroggi1]

Hi thanks it did help a bit not sure what I'm going to do though as we don't have many assets so it is mainly just the formality of it I suppose but it has calmed my mind down a bit though it's given me something solid to think about

[Minime85]

It will be good to talk to a solicitor and just start to get your head around it all. You don't have to make any decisions today. I saw a solicitor in the November but didn't get round to filling the paper work in myself until June and was divorced absolute by start of December

[Lilfroggi1]

Hi well I'm off to see a solicitor today to have a chat about a divorce I'm feeling nervous and unsure whether I'm rushing to it or is that a normal feeling. Just wish my head would stop spinning enough to think what I want to do about things.

[adora1]

I'm glad you saw the light, I thought right at the beginning he left for OW, saw the grass not so green and tried to sneak his way back in, don't be so trusting in future, words are cheap, always look at people's actions, if they are showing they care, if you feel loved.

You have a lovely daughter and the both of you can have a lovely life together, without a creep like him spoiling it.

[Lilfroggi1]

Hi Horopu thanks for the advice it is nice to talk to someone who has been through something similar. I am sort of sleeping I just tend to sit down stairs until I am really exhausted I know I can't sustain that though. I was doing a lot of exersice which helped before but I can't seem to get back in it, I'm trying to do things for me and find out what I enjoy I just didn't realise that I'd lost so much of me in all of this and I am not very assertive that had starts coming back. I will look for that book too ill give anything a go. When we were together I had been having a tough time in work since we had split it was better but my boss always seems to have a problem if I ask for time off but when anyone else asks it's no problem just feel stuck in life in general. I love my daughter more than anything and her happiness is my main priority she seems ok it's just trying to get her to understand that he won't be coming back

[Horopu]

Lilfroggi you are doing well. It is just really really difficult and horrible.
Things that helped me were getting outside for walks, exercising generally, taking up every offer to do things with friends and talking to friends and family. I was honest and open with everyone (well not always totally with my elderly parents who live on the other side of the world, I didn't want to worry them about stuff when they couldn't see me for a hug). I felt sick for a few months and couldn't eat properly for ages.
It also really affected my sleep and I got tablets from the doctor to help with this.

Counselling helped me a lot. It was also a very busy time at work for me, I went for and got a big promotion which gave me a lot to think about.
I did not bother even thinking about dating and a year on am still not interested. I watch my husband come spilt up and get back together with the woman he left me for and realise I need to just look after myself and my children, I don't want the responsibility of taking care of someone else.

Do what is best for you. I think about myself now and put me first. If I can't look after myself I can't be a good mother for my children. This doesn't mean I'm selfish, just sensible.

I'm currently reading ...
A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You by Anne Dickson and finding that really helpful.

I remember saying to my counsellor "It's not fair" thinking she would give me some great words of wisdom but all she did was agree with me that it wasn't fair (my h leaving) and I realised that life isn't always fair but you just have to get on with it.

I'm sorry, this has turned into a bit of a post about me, hope you find something useful in it.

Goodl Luck, it's not fun but you will get there.

[Lilfroggi1]

Thanks for the ideas might re decorate the living room change the colours as I had moved it around already. I've got a couple of days planned already. Just wish my head would stop spinning and the sick feeling would go away though. I don't think really the dating apps and things will happen for a long time I don't think I would be able to trust a man at the moment anyway I'm trying the no contact thing but it is hard as we do karate as a family and I don't want to give it up as I really enjoy it I feel if I took a break It would be him having more control over the situation. Just feel so alone even though I'm not I have good friends and family I haven't brought myself to tell my mum about it all yet well the latest bit everyone thinks I'm doing so well

[Minime85]

I would say as much as possible go no contact expect for necessary info about dc. Give yourself a month or so before you even consider dating apps of anything else. Fill your time with changing your home to repeatedly you and your DC and plan days out with friends.

[Lilfroggi1]

Thanks I know I'm just trying to stop the tears again also I'm just cross with myself too which I know I shouldn't be, I know I'll get there again but just can't believe I'm back to how I felt 7 months ago. and I know it will be his loss in the end.

[Cary2012]

Try to focus on having a nice summer with friends. It does take a while to process everything, and I know, from experience, that it can be one step forward and two steps back. When I first split I never said no to a meet up or going out with friends, even if I felt too down to want to go. It really helped me to go out and see friends. Personally, I don't think you can rush through the grieving process, and it is like a bereavement, well it was for me. But you're doing well, small steps. x

[Lilfroggi1]

I don't want to rush into a new relationship I suppose I want to look what's out there and if I am attractive to other men really I am not ready at all really. I just feel back to square 1 feelings wise I suppose I was doing really well and I was getting happy but I suppose he crept back in to making me feel things for him again it is definitely over for good as he more or less said he changed his mind about trying again I was unsure that I wanted too.

[Cary2012]

Hi, it needs to start with you seeing yourself as separate to him. You don't need to date again to stop yourself from being vulnerable to getting back with him. You certainly don't need a partner to be whole. I think you need to forget dating for the time being. Have as little contact with him as possible, spend time thinking (not brooding) about what you want, and just live through it. Rushing into a new relationship won't numb the pain of this one finishing, it just pushes it down then when the new relationship goes wrong, the pain resurfaces. So you need to take time for yourself now. That's how you start to heal.

[Lilfroggi1]

Hi just an update we haven't got back together some of you were right it was just easy wanting to get back with me and I was better than what he had seen on tinder. But can I ask you what tips can you give for really moving on this time I am waiting for counciling should I try dating apps I'm just really hurt all over again but think I need to do something different from what I did before, which was no dating and trying to heal myself but I'm not sure that worked really as I suppose it made me vulnerable to how he wanted me back

[Lilfroggi1]

Hi Horopu thanks I had some counciling earlier in the year and I am on a waiting list to get some more they did ring the other week but it is the day I have off and with the summer holidays coming up I couldn't work as I wanted to spend time with my daughter it hope to start it after the 6 weeks which I know will help thanks

[Horopu]

You've got lots of good advice and I hope you manage to keep calm when you talk to him about the letter.

My advice would be, whatever happens, to get counselling for yourself. My husband left me a year ago and it has been so so helpful.

[Lilfroggi1]

I know I can't now just feel in complete shock. I'm going to make myself look nice so I have more confidence he was coming to talk about what went wrong in our relationship. I really just want to see his face when I tell him and the thing is I'm going to let her know that I know too just before we start talking does that make me bitter though?

[Incognita82]

I think you have your confirmation here don't you? It's probably the girlfriend feeling insecure who sent the note.

Don't touch him with a bargepole love. Never go back!

[Lilfroggi1]

Hi thank you I'm still not sure I think I have decided not to go back but I had a bit of a shock I had a letter from someone today it was anonymous saying he had been seeing someone and that they wanted me to know about it could I ask what you would do at the moment I was going to keep it quiet until he drops my daughter off tomorrow so I can ask him to see his reaction and while I was doing that I was going to send a message to her asking what was going on? Do you think this is wise I haven't spoken to any of my friends as I was looking for some impartial advice

[RedMapleLeaf]

A question that helped me move on was, "if I was starting from scratch, would this be the kind of man I'd want to date?".