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Original poster

I wanted a threesome. Now I don't. Now he's kicking off

69 replies

amyc88 · 04/07/2016 23:31

Me and my OH discussed having a threesome so we decided to have a joint account on this website.

After several failed attempts at getting someone to meet us, and me losing interest in the idea and deciding I just want this to be me and him...he's kicking off

He says this was all my idea and now I've changed my mind. I only think about what I want and not what he wants. He says I'm controlling the whole situation.

I don't understand why he even thinks it's okay to kick off at something that was initially my idea! How can he even have the balls to do that?!

I'm not saying I'm completely off the idea but at this moment in time I have a lot going on, I don't want to do it right now, but he just kicks off whenever I say not now.

I don't know what to do. I've told him, at this present time I'm enjoying doing things with him, not putting energy into finding or speaking to women off a site for them to let us down again.

He just doesn't understand. No matter how I say it.

OP posts:
MintyChops · 05/07/2016 00:29

He is a prick. Dump him or get used to the idea that any sexual fantasy you discuss or initiate, you will have to follow all the way through on (wouldn't it be rape if you changed your mind halfway through sex and he insisted on carrying on against your will as it was "all your idea"?). Your call.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 05/07/2016 00:38

Why are people teasing the OP
Her boyfriend is failing to grasp the basics of consent, (i.e. her changing her mind or the timing) and MNers are teasing and joking?

AnotherTimeMaybe · 05/07/2016 00:51

Is it a threesome with another man or a woman?

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 05/07/2016 00:58

Is it a threesome with another man or a woman?

does it matter? she consented to something in advanced, and has now changed her mind, and her OH is not okay with that - that's worrying! It doesn't really matter what the act was, what matters is that he isn't taking "no not now" for an answer

FeralBeryl · 05/07/2016 00:59

Why did you want to initially? Was it just to please him or something you genuinely wanted for yourself?
He needs to grow the fuck up, no one has the right to emotionally coerce you into a sexual activity you aren't 100% with.
Please do not do this.
I've seen so many relationships fail after this when 1 partner wasn't completely comfortable.
They've done it to 'get it out of the way' then the willing partner has badgered them for a repeat leaving them feeling inadequate.

Bogeyface · 05/07/2016 01:00

I think changing your mind was a very good thing, as it has shown you the kind of man he is.

I dont think that your relationship will survive this, in fact for your sake, I hope that it doesnt.

Bogeyface · 05/07/2016 01:03

I think the fact that the other partner would be a woman is relevant actually.

If it had been a man, I would put a months mortgage money on the fact that he wouldnt have agreed in the first place and certainly wouldnt be sulking now that its all off.

Years ago I said to an exBF that I wouldnt mind trying a threesome. BF was all over the idea, wanted to find someone etc, until I made it clear I was thinking of another man. He said that no way would he do that, it would only be with another woman and if I wanted to have another man in our bed then I was a slag!

Sadly I didnt dump him for another 2 years.

Lillygolightly · 05/07/2016 01:16

Funny how that happens isn't it Bogeyface such double standards!! Your considered kinky if you want another woman but a slag if you want another man!! What did the bloody idiot think wanting another woman made him!!!

Lweji · 05/07/2016 01:21

Yes, women are too unreliable.
Go for a second man. He'll be pleased.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/07/2016 01:56

Dump his sorry arse.
He's trying to force you into doing something that you no longer want to, even if it was your idea in the first place (which I slightly doubt, I kind of get the feeling that he put the idea into your head to begin with!). Contract this down to "yes I'll have sex with you... actually no, I don't think I should/want to just now" - and he says "You SAID you would so now you HAVE to". Coercive sex = rape.

So dump him.

Bogeyface · 05/07/2016 02:25

lilly well clearly being able to "satisfy" 2 women in bed would make him a stud. It clearly never crossed his mind why I wanted another man......or maybe it did and thats why he was so opposed to it!

I was with him 4 years in total, but I was 20 when I finally dumped him so I have youth and inexperience as my excuse!

Jackkac · 05/07/2016 02:47

@ThumbWitchesAbroad Being disappointed that a threesome didn't work out does NOT "=rape"

Bogeyface · 05/07/2016 02:55

Jackkc no it doesnt, but coercion does. "You promised so....." leading to a person (male or female) having sex that they dont want and do not consent to but go along with for fear of what will happen if they refuse, does indeed equal rape.

WickedLazy · 05/07/2016 03:16

Don't let him guilt or pressure you into something you don't want to do. Some things are great in our imaginations, but once we realise the reality could feel quite different, they can loose a lot of the initial appeal.

If you were mid piv and said no, stop, he has to respect that, and stop. And not be an asshole about it. Don't see why you changing your mind about letting him shag another woman in front of you is any different. I think threesomes are more likely to ruin a commited relationship than enhance it. Something you should do when you're single or with a fuck buddy

AnotherTimeMaybe · 05/07/2016 03:28

does it matter? she consented to something in advanced, and has now changed her mind, and her OH is not okay with that - that's worrying! It doesn't really matter what the act was, what matters is that he isn't taking "no not now" for an answer

With another man, he doesn't love her (watch her fuck another man??) let alone care she changed her mind

With another woman, excuse to fuck around

The fact that he's not happy she changed her mind is the least of her problems

AnotherTimeMaybe · 05/07/2016 03:34

I think threesomes are more likely to ruin a commited relationship than enhance it
No brainer is it?
OP I assume you have no children with him? How do you picture your future with him especially after a threesome?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/07/2016 04:26

Thanks Bogey.

Jackkac - contracting my post down that far in the way that you did really made a nonsense of it, as I quite clearly did NOT say that "Being disappointed that a threesome didn't work out = rape".

TheStoic · 05/07/2016 04:53

I think changing your mind was a very good thing, as it has shown you the kind of man he is.

I dont think that your relationship will survive this, in fact for your sake, I hope that it doesn't.

In a nutshell.

TheNaze73 · 05/07/2016 09:29

How can people say almost in a matter of fact type way, that 3somes will ruin a marriage? They're not for me but, work for a lot of people. I think if the subject comes up again be equally prepared to go MMF as FFM but, go about it in a way that doesn't make him look like a manipulative twat

VestalVirgin · 05/07/2016 10:44

Tell him you have found a man who wants to have a threesome with you, and watch what happens.
Though I think you might be better off divorcing him instead of fighting his coercive behaviour from inside this marriage.

How can people say almost in a matter of fact type way, that 3somes will ruin a marriage? They're not for me but, work for a lot of people.

They work for a lot of people who have always been polygamous.

I don't think they work for married couples who are by nature monogamous and just want to spice up their sex life. Especially since in that case, they are most often just a way for the husband to frame his having sex with another woman in a way that doesn't get him accused of cheating and has the added advantage that his wife doesn't get the same enjoyment out of it that he does. (Note how many men never even consider that a threesome could include another male)

SandyY2K · 05/07/2016 11:35

I imagine if you thought you were getting something and he changed his mind you'd be peeved as well.

Not saying he's right to call you controlling, but look at it from his viewpoint.

How would you react if the tables were turned and you were still very much interested in the idea, but he wasn't anymore.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 05/07/2016 11:46

I imagine if you thought you were getting something and he changed his mind you'd be peeved as well.

This is about consentual sex, and him not respecting her right to withdraw her consent at any time, not whether or not to get a new widescreen TV or a takeaway!

I am Shock at the wishy washy reactions to this

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/07/2016 12:01

I would be interested to know who suggested the 3some first and if the "discussion" was the OP having to "coerce" her OH in to the 3some.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 05/07/2016 12:04

I would be interested to know who suggested the 3some first

Still doesn't matter Hmm
None of that matters
What matters is the basics of consent, which include being allowed to change your mind at any time without being pressured or your partner "kicking off"

TheyOnceSaid · 05/07/2016 12:09

Why would you search online for someone to have a threesome with? You don't know them or anything about them.

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