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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i dont fancy my fiance

35 replies

adele234 · 04/07/2016 21:52

To cut a long story short... I dont fancy my fiance.. The father of my two children... Ive forgotten what i used to fancy about him. And now i just feel like i dont feel any lust towards him. Its making me really sad. I love him.. I dont want to feel this way.

But over the last 3 years hes put on about 3 stone.. And more than that just eats awful food drinks too much alcohol and binges all the time. And its the unhealthy lifestyle he has at the min that realy makes me think urgh!!

Ive told him he needs to sort himself out. Hes not happy with himself being over weight.

But i always pretend my feelings towards him havnt changed and i'll love him whatever.. I dont want to have to tell him i dont fancy him!

I feel really shallow for feeling this way! But im just not attracted to him anymore :-///

What can i do!?!?

OP posts:
fattyfattytoadgirl · 04/07/2016 21:57

If your fiancé is not happy with his weight, I presume that means he will be planning to get fit? It might be different if he didn't see a problem, but it seems he does.

Do you think he'll get fit and you'll get back to the way you were?

Doinmummy · 04/07/2016 21:57

How about a proper sit down conversation and tell him you are worried about the effect his lifestyle is having on his health ?

Do you think you will fancy him again if he loses weight ?

starsinyourpies · 04/07/2016 22:07

Is he happy? My partner was quite overweight when depressed, ate crap and drank too much. This turned around when he started caring about himself again. Worth having a gentle chat?

SandyY2K · 04/07/2016 23:16

Not many people are happy being overweight. If he lost the weight would you be attracted to him or is there something else you aren't happy with?

Original poster
adele234 · 05/07/2016 07:58

I feel awful even saying it cos i do love him. Its not so much his weight but the combination of his lifestyle at the minute. he works long hours and just eats takeaways and drinks beer these days because he cant be bothered to eat properly or feel healthy food wouldnt suffice. Alot of the time he's working away from home so i cant help him with that.
The fact hes away from home alot makes attending a gym regular difficult too. He has gone through stages of choosing a healthy iption off hotel menu and doing a home style workout in his hotel room or going for a quick jog but hes soo stuck in a rut at the moment. He does hate himself but i dot think he sees he can change it.
We have had a chat about it. And he agrees he needs to sort it out but he just doesnt

when hes home i find it a huge turn off seeing him eating so much rubbish food kebabs pizza burgers and beer.. He just binges His insides must be absolutely rotten at the minute. I eat pretty healthy and rarely desire food like that so it just makes me feel a bit sick watching him

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 05/07/2016 08:23

Depending on where you live there is a chain of gyms called puregym in the UK. You can get membership at different locations of the chain.

There is a customer service number if you go online to check it out and enquire about it.

Tellmewhyohwhy · 05/07/2016 08:38

Would you get the feelings back if he lost the weight? I suspect you wouldn't.

What if he goes on a health kick, you get married then he starts overeating again?

I think you have to be honest if your feelings have changed. You seem to have very different attitudes towards health, food and fitness.

Joysmum · 05/07/2016 08:43

Would you get the feelings back if he lost the weight? I suspect you wouldn't

I was going to say that too.

I have BED (binge eating disorder) and my weight fluctuates by 6.5 stone, my DH is very overweight.

This doesn't affect how much we fancy each other and sex is very satisfying.

I think this is because we have a deep emotional attraction and so the physical naturally follows on from that.

If you don't have that then it's understandable you feel shallow.

Dutchcourage · 05/07/2016 09:14

op were just, hopefully coming through the other side of this.

If he is not ready in himself to make a change nothing you say will make a difference and believe me - I've was brutal sometimes.

My Dh put on over three stone and he looked awful. If I would have seen him out no way would I have fancied him.

However - I bought some scales the other day and he was shocked at how much he weighed and we have been doing slimming world since. He has lost 11lb in just under three weeks by following that and swimming, this has really spured him on.

I don't agree with joy that you mustn't have a 'deep' emotional connection. I don't think that has anything to do with it snd that's unfair. Emotional and physical connections are too different entities

danTDM · 05/07/2016 09:22

when he's at home eating 'pizza, takeaways, burgers and beer' I don't understand what you and the children are eating and why you are not eating together? Or saving him some of what you ate (as he seems to work really hard)

How can you actually live together but have totally different lifestyles? I don't understand.

Dulra · 05/07/2016 09:25

I think it is less about his physical appearance and more about his lifestyle you are struggling with. I would really find it hard to watch someone binge eating crap food and drinking beer continually. I would also be very concerned about the example he is setting your kids. He doesn't just need to lose weight he needs a lifestyle re-haul. His behaviour at the moment is not conducive to a happy healthy family life. I think you need to park your feelings about whether you are attracted to him or not for the moment and work at getting him to change his lifestyle for himself and for his kids. Do you eat together as a family? go our for walks? bike rides anything active together? I think you need to get all that back on track and maybe then your feelings for him will change

Dutchcourage · 05/07/2016 09:28

dan my Dh problem was night time eating, we would have dinner around 6/7pm then at 10am he would start itching for cans of Coke and a take away.

He would miss breakfast then for lunch get chips pie curry and peas waged down with Coke, come home have his tea then get hungry again later on.

I really do think weight loss/gain/hunger is related to sugar so when he starts cutting that out it gets easier

ijustwannadance · 05/07/2016 09:42

Sounds to me like you have lost respect for him as he has lost control of his eating and respect for himself.
Unfortunately the issue is his and only he can sort it out.
I would tell him straight that his behaviour not only makes him unattractive to you physically but he is heading for a heart attack.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/07/2016 09:54

In my experience men do a bit better with the tough love approach.

"I'm sorry honey, I love you to pieces but you have put on so much weight I really don't find you physically attractive any more. "

Original poster
adele234 · 05/07/2016 10:58

Dan he works away alot! More often than not hes not here weekdays. So we do have different routines and very muh seperate lives at times. Me and the children are in the routine of eating when they finish school. He works long hours. The times he is working at home of course i save him what weve had but these times are not regular enough for it to make any difference. Weekend when hes home he does eat what we eat but then a few hours later he'll decide hes still hungry and order more food in. Or just binge all the childrens snacks. His habits have been developed working away living in hotels starting work at 6am and finishing work 8/9pm at night. And he doesnt seem to be able to stop them when hes home. Or may just think whats he point when is unsustainable at work.
I do think its unfair to say we must not have an emotional connection. I do love him and wouldnt want to ever be without him. He just doesnt seem like the man i know at the minute

OP posts:
Original poster
adele234 · 05/07/2016 11:01

Do u really think i should be that blunt with him. I dont want him to take it like i dont love him cos of it. Cos i do and i dont want him to feel worse about himself then he already does. He feels helpless to change thanks to his work set up. And unfortunatky that set up is not gonna change for a long time! And cant even be adapted! I have told him repeatedly hes heading for heart attack or stomach ulcers etc and he agrees but it doesnt stop him.

OP posts:
Original poster
adele234 · 05/07/2016 11:03

Dulra we are very active when hes home. The kids are very fot and active and dont see much of his behaviours. The problem is hes not home enough working away for our weekends to make any difference to his health/weight and the eating habits he has away at work he continues at home regardless of weather he eats with us or not.

OP posts:
TheyOnceSaid · 05/07/2016 11:09

If you're not attracted to him anymore, it is time to end the relationship, stop pretending!

just eats awful food drinks too much alcohol and binges all the time.

It's going to very hard for him to change!

Original poster
adele234 · 05/07/2016 11:13

Wow whatever happened to working through hard times in your relationships. I love this man! Hes in a bad place hes not himself at the minute. He hasnt always binged like this. Working away has played a huge role in this lifestyle and hes let it get hold of him and turned to habits.. Which has got him feeling rubbish and its spiralled! He hates how he looks at the minute! But his habits are now hard to break especailly when hes still away from home alot. I am more than willing to not just leave him and wrk through this cos there is more to our realationship than weather or not I'm physically attracted to him right now

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 05/07/2016 11:15

I totally see your point of view OP.

For me, it wouldn't necessarily be the physical appearance (although that would be part of it), but as much of my issue would be the lack of self-control, motivation and complete disregard for his health that he's showing, and that would be very unattractive to me.

TheyOnceSaid · 05/07/2016 11:23

He hasnt always binged like this. Working away has played a huge role in this lifestyle and hes let it get hold of him and turned to habits..

You're complaining about him but making excuses for him at the same time, if he was to loose weight would that bring back the attraction?

AyeAmarok · 05/07/2016 11:28

OP lots and lots of people work away from home (I do). But they don't all end up like this.

His diet and exercise is still within his own control, even when he's away.

bigbuttons · 05/07/2016 11:45

Not sure what the point of this thread is. You want to complain about him yet you defend him at the same time.

So what are you going to do? You don't fancy him because he is overweight yet you say the excuses for his binge eating are not going to go away, so that only leaves one outcome as far as I can see: you will be in a relationship with a man who you don't fancy and don't respect .

What do you hope to gain by posting here?

scampimom · 05/07/2016 12:21

What are you going to do when he gets older? Or if he gets ill or injured? Or gets depressed?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/07/2016 12:24

His habits have been developed working away living in hotels starting work at 6am and finishing work 8/9pm at night.

I've done those sort of hours and my weight spiralled. He HAS to find a way to stop though.

Where is he staying when he is away - does it change from week to week?
Does he drive there - can he sling some weights and a skipping rope in the boot?

Is he on an oil rig or similar where you simply can't go jogging [well maybe you can but only on a treadmill]

Obviously food is the main issue. My answer to that would be to start by physically reset his habits with a residential bootcamp. Really drastic stuff like New You Boot Camp or similar. Is it financially an option for him to take a weeks holiday and spend £800 or so exercising 12 hours a day?

After that - the ball is more in his court when he is working away. Difficult if all that's on offer is garage forecourt food but he'll have more of a vested interest in keeping it off if he's in a better place physically.

Being that blunt is a risk - for most women it would result in even greater unhappiness and comfort eating but men respond differently. Is he a blunt, tell it like it is sort of guy ?

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