i dont fancy my fiance

[adele234]

To cut a long story short... I dont fancy my fiance.. The father of my two children... Ive forgotten what i used to fancy about him. And now i just feel like i dont feel any lust towards him. Its making me really sad. I love him.. I dont want to feel this way.

But over the last 3 years hes put on about 3 stone.. And more than that just eats awful food drinks too much alcohol and binges all the time. And its the unhealthy lifestyle he has at the min that realy makes me think urgh!!

Ive told him he needs to sort himself out. Hes not happy with himself being over weight.

But i always pretend my feelings towards him havnt changed and i'll love him whatever.. I dont want to have to tell him i dont fancy him!

I feel really shallow for feeling this way! But im just not attracted to him anymore :-///

What can i do!?!?

You telling him you're worried about his health and/or that you'd like him to make changes and lose weight might or might not encourage him to do so. It might make him more likely to continue to eat/drink unhealthily.

I don't agree with joy that you mustn't have a 'deep' emotional connection. I don't think that has anything to do with it snd that's unfair. Emotional and physical connections are too different entities

I'm happy to disagree and can only speak for our marriage, not yours.

I fell in love with my DH, not his body and sex is very satisfying because it's with him, we know how to please each other and enjoy doing so.

If that's not the case for you I can't contradict you

yep another smug post joy

I cant actually believe some of the posts on here. Ppl write here for advice not to be told by ppl theyve never met that they mustnt love their partners.. I have said i do. Ppl should take my word for that. i wrote to hear if anyone had been in the same kind of situation and how they came through it. And for those who replied that way thank you! This has nothing to do with my love for this man! I will never leave him and have no interest in other men! If he was in an accident etc of course id stay with him! Id still love him! And its not that we dont have a connection or sex isnt enjoyable.. Its just at the minute i dont find him as attractive as i did. I dont fancy him the same way. I dont get them urges of lust like i used to. If it makes me shallow then i apologise but im human! For the comment about what id do if he was in an accident or depressed etc.. He is getting there! Depressed and eating more! This is the point!! And Im not making excuses for him im merely understanding how its come to this point and how difficult it is for him to get hold of now when he works this way.. Whoever it was who said it was the lifestyle change that was the turn off more than the physical appearance i think thats more what it is for me too! I find it unattractive watching him binge im only being honest.

Treadsoftly

That is very much the situation. Yes he can take a few weights etc. and hes done that before when hes noticed the weight coming on. He has a very physical job and the long hours. And then he goes back to his hotel room. Generally all he lads from work staying in the hotel will have their downtime at the bar for a few hrs then order food. Then sleep to do it all again. While of course its in his control and is doable to not do that. Its not easy having zero downtime after a long day at work. And having to go sit in an empty hotel room on your own just to avoid the drink. And then get mocked at work by al the lads for doing so too. Yes its doable but its trying to convince him to stick at it and that its worth it

I think telling him that you're not attracted to him is absolutely a mistake. Men might be more apt to respond to tough love but just imagine how it would be if he said that to you. Men have feelings too. I've put on weight (granted a smaller amount) in relationships before and if my partner ever said that to me, I'm not sure I would be able to be intimate again with them without thinking of it.

Can you try approaching it from a "we need to be healthy for the kids" angle? What about both of you going to the doctor for cholesterol/blood pressure/weight checks? If he's eating unhealthy foods and has gained a significant amount of weight, the doctor will say something to him and his tests likely won't be good. Then you two can use that as the catalyst for committing to changes. Whatever you decide, my advice would always be to come at it from an angle of health and making sure you're around for your children instead of looks/attraction.

I think you should try and get him to think of the health aspect and to make that a big motivator.

I recommend that he makes a GP appointment and asks for a referral to the Dietician. They offer incredible support with tips and ideas on the kind of changes he should make to loose weight and get healthy.

They will be able to suggest changes in line with his work and eating habits.

Adele, I think it depends on whether you are not attracted to him because of his weight gain and bad habits, or whether time has taken it's toll and you're no longer in the 'smitten kitten' phase. It's natural to lose a bit of attraction (lust) for your partner after a while. Is it just mother-time or is it the weight?
I agree that I would find it off-putting to see an overweight partner digging into chips and takeaways .....unless I was doing it with him!
Good luck! :)

I don't understand if its a really physical job with long hours why he is loading on so much weight? I appreciate that further description can be identifying though.

If he wants to avoid the late meals, booze and general ribbing then he needs to change his habits while he's away. There's no reason why he can't head out for a run or do skipping or similar and get an early night. I have the world's worst willpower. It's easier to simply avoid the social situation entirely than turn up and drink water and snack on a green salad.

I don't know how you do this though - have you got a British Military Fitness near you? It's very mixed classes and male friendly environment. You can join on the basis of doing classes across a variety of locations which might give him the option to join in somewhere when he is away?

I had this with ex h op. I tried quite hard to sublet let him know that I was concerned about his health and that it was having a negative effect on how I felt about him.That didn't work so I tried telling him more bluntly.i recall one dreadful row when I asked him if it was really necessary to follow a Big Mac meal with a quarter pounder with cheese 'chaser'. He lost it with me massively.It did no good at all. I do t junk he lied his own app arrange much but he also doesn't take criticism well. You have to try though whatever the outcome as to not do so is to risk his health and also your marriage ultimately. Once you've sat and talked about it with him-as nicely but clearly as possible, I suppose it's up to him what he does.but at least you will have tried.