Long post alert. Sorry! I feel terrible. I've come in to my children's bedroom to give him some space. He's gutted. I feel bad. I've just told him really calmly, from the beginning, what I feel went wrong. That I bent over backwards to accommodate his needs and make him happy again and again and again, to the detriment of my own happiness and mental health at times. Seriously. And that it has always been one way. In the past I've had explosions where I melt down and sob and ramble on always about the same issues (which is why he says I hold grudges) but this time I was really calm. In the past he has been unable to see my viewpoint. He always said things like well I just went along with it and I should have made it more plain for him to see; that I sent mixed messages. Sorry but that's rubbish and he is in some sort of denial. Because if someone is sobbing their heart out over and over again about something or complaining that they are stressed out beyond belief regularly over a four year period, that should be enough for him to think 'hang on..:my wife is struggling here.' And actually do something about it! He just chose to ignore my needs because it was easier for him. I've called him utterly selfish tonight and negligent and he is repeating those words back to himself. He says he can see it in black and white and keeps saying that he is a bad person. It feels weird to hear him say that. It feels horrible. He isn't a bad person. He has just even selfish for the duration of our relationship.
Even if he was to remedy things, I'm not sure if I can overcome them because of so much. His son drains me totally. I'm exhausted by everything. As much as these things needed saying to him, I feel sad to have upset him so much. However, I feel a bit numb too. I'm not crying. I feel as though I might have turned in to a cold person to him, I'm acting a bit like a stone on the surface.
Now to answer some of the questions...I stepped in to the role of 'mum' and general maid and chauffeur simply because he made it clear how much he loved his children and wanted to keep them half for half of the week. It's so sad they had to move to a separate county though. His job wouldn't allow for that without support from me. That if I could help facilitate that, it would make him the happiest man alive. That sort of thing. I was blown away by his family orientation. My own father never acknowledged me and left my mother in pregnancy so I thought it could only be a good thing that he was such a devoted father.
I do get some things out of the relationship. I'm financially provided for. I have enough clothes, bits of make up -enough to buy no.7 face cream! (at £22.50 a pot!) and all four children want for nothing. I did not grow up with this financial security. My Mum was a single parent and although we scrimped and saved for our horse, it left us with little else. Basically, our cupboards were bare. I also get companionship from the marriage...someone to sit next to on the sofa, watch a film with now and again. Someone to say hello to in the evening. Another adult face. It counts doesn't it. Loneliness is hard. I'm scared of growing old alone if this marriage ends.
Can I forgive him? I'm not sure. Possibly in time. He has talked about getting my horse back in the future, when finances settle down a bit and when the youngest starts school in a couple of years. There is potential. However I do feel as though I missed out on being a mummy to my babies (for four years!) because I was always SO busy in the house or else on long haul trips and I'll never get that time back again. In fairness a lot of my time went on caring for my own mother up until her death last year so it wasn't all down to fulfilling his needs. But he didn't help matters or try and alleviate my work load in other areas. In fact, the opposite. It was crazy how much I had to do looking back. I'm only just coming out of the other side. Also, his son is difficult. I'm mentally drained and just not sure if I'm up for the challenge anymore.
Do I prefer it when he's not at home? No. I miss him and don't like being alone overall. He goes away to conferences a few times a year and the first couple of days are a novelty - love slobbing it out by eating beans on toast and watching my soaps when the little ones go to bed but after a couple of days, I start feeling lonely. I'm pathetic aren't I.
Do I fantasise about single life? Yes , only very recently. And I found myself attracted to someone a few months ago. That served as a red flag to me. Because I've never looked in anyone's direction until recently. I think I just came out of a fog. But I think the single life may be less of a fantasy and more of my brain trying to prepare myself for what may be ahead.
Does he do anything with the children? I would say I give 95% of the care but I am SAHM and I'm ok with that. He reads to them a couple of times a week, does Lego with them sometimes on the weekends. He's a good father. There is no denying that at all.
Do I get time to myself? Umm...not really no. I stay up late in my children's bedroom after he goes to bed, FB, that sort of thing. That's my downtime. His son has OCD and rules the TV for half the week so I take myself off to bed. Certainly no me time in the daytimes or anything. Weekends are variable. I rarely get to meet up with friends 'child-free' because of my OH's long and inflexible working hours. But I think that's probably the same for lots of people out there. Life is busy isn't it. Down time is precious and hard to come by. But it does happen now and again.
Sorry I've rambled on so much. I just wanted to answer some of people's questions. It also helps to clarify things in my own head. I just don't know what to do for the best. I'm shocked that I told him I've fallen out of love with him. It hasn't sunk in. Maybe I have. Why would I say it otherwise?