Fed up, to stay or leave

[sootysweep]

My OH is a good man. He is hard working and affectionate. He provides for his family well and he is a good father. The problem is, we have become so disconnected! We don't share a bed anymore as I prefer to sleep with our two little ones (says a lot I know) and I am the one who has become unaffectionate, cold and distant.

I am just fed up. I feel taken for granted. I have been over-worked, under appreciated and generally neglected along the way. My stresses have been ignored to the point where I have had a few meltdowns and very little changes. I am skimming a lot of details here! My OH has two children that live with us, one is lovely but one of them Is very, very difficult. He is very complex and controlling, tells lies and can be quite aggressive too.

I've found myself getting crushes on other men lately! This is bad. I never thought this would happen. I ventured in to marriage full of hope, madly in love and with dreams of being together forever. It's so sad. I do love him and he does try to be a good husband (dinners out/weekends away) but nothing ignites that spark for me. And I can't seem to forgive past issues. But I do love him. I care for his happiness. So I guess our marriage may not be irretrievable. As we still have love! Just feel so, so, so disconnected.

We have enrolled in a marriage counselling course as my husband knows I have had many issues with our marriage and our life together in the past and I am unhappy. Hopefully this will help?

Has anyone else gone through a really rough patch in their marriage, almost to the point of giving up? But then managed to bring back a spark and a renewed energy in to the marriage? Re discovered happiness and re connected? I want to make it work if only for out children's sake. They deserve stability. But fully aware they will want happy, bonded parents growing up!

Feel like shite! Any advice or similar personal experiences? Do people really successfully work through their marriages in most cases, our most people's blips as big as this, and for those that have ended up having to enrol on marriage counselling, is it highly likely to end in separation anyway? Are we just biding time? Sorry if my post is a bit flat. Just feel a bit bleak about married life right now

Good luck, OP.

Believe it!
You will be fine.
Millions of women have been there and got through it and you will too.

It's quite bizarre, stalker-ish and totally controlling that he found this.
I think you're better off out of it with this latest revelation!

I hope he does keep it amicable.
Many of these 'men' get very resentful and it turns horrible.
They seem all lovely and nice to start with then it all changes.
There are many of us on here who can vouch for that.
Get yourself to a solicitor quick sharp and see where you stand.
CAB and see what you are entitled to.
CMS to see what he should pay.
Then take it from there.

Just get through one day at a time.
And yes you are right. While he's getting everything he wants from you it's all good. As soon as you become your own person who wants some support and help for you, he shuts off and wants out.
Yep, that sums him up nicely.
Find the anger there.

He's a taker and total cock! And you know it!

Thousands of women cope on their own as single parents. Given what you have been through and done for this man and his children without totally collapsing I think you will more than cope. Start by sorting out finances and thinking through the practicalities. I'm sorry to say this but I think you will now find your DH is not such a good man after all and will be difficult re childcare , money etc. You have rebelled and refused to be used so he will need to punish you. ( I hope I am wrong though ) . He is calm because he is planning what to do. He realises that he will need another slave because he won't want to do all the hard graft you've been doing. After all , he's the " brains" of the outfit not the " worker " . He will have to continue providing for your joint children and also sort out his own, including the one whose behaviour has drained your energy. I actually think it will be you who had the " easier " life when you separate , if that's what happens. He doesn't get off scot free... he now has two more children to support so make sure he does.
Your life sounds exhausting at the moment. It will get so much easier. And I don't think you will be alone for long. You have shown such grit and loyalty ... even though it was to a totally selfish user.

How did he manage to have 2 children half the week prior to meeting you? If he was so keen to co parent why didn't he change career or reduce his hours? Especially if he only manages to read to them a couple of times a week and play a bit of Lego at the weekend. Would he have been liable for a lot of maintenance? Is there mum happy about the arrangement?

Surely it would have been so much better for the children for their mum to be the primary caretaker and dad have very regular contact when he is free and not working. Surely far better than dads new girlfriend taking care of them ( no disrespect op but their mum, at least initially, will have loved them far more then you did) and better than the 2 hour journey.

Sorting out finances and paperwork is piss easy if you enjoy doing such things ( it's interesting and not mind numbing). Unlike toilet cleaning, clothes washing and driving 2 kids 2 hours to school.

I still think there is more to this. I also think his reaction tonight is to get you back into your box.

You reacted differently this time - you were calm and said you don't love him - so he has called your bluff...

One further point.

You said he wanted you to devote your life to his kids, err why? They are his kids and your relationship was new... He should be devoting his life to his kids, yep that may mean a massive drop in salary, but surely such a family orientated man would take that on the chin.

No family orientated person would think 2 hours in a car, three days a week, with 2 crying babies and 2 school children was the right thing to do. Not when the boy's mother could take them to school.

Your a fucking amazing person to have done it for so long! It certainly shows your strength of character. Hats off to you and I really hope your life improves.

I think you will be better off without this selfish man. Expecting home-cooked meals from scratch every night is laughable as well as looking after his kids like this with minimal input from him. You won't need No7 Facecream anymore either I think.

This man sounds very selfish and unappreciative. I wonder why his previous relationship broke up.

You sound like a great woman yourself, his loss I say.

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I really feel as though this thread has helped me see it from other people's views. It has been really strange these past few days. But I do feel strong. I feel as though I must focus on the positives or else I will just fall apart. I am chanelling my inner strength big time.

And together we have decided it is not meant to be. A stronger couple would have got through. I don't think I'm the right person for the job anymore. I think we will all be happier apart.

I take on board what each and every one of you has said. Sadly I agree with much of it. I know I have been neglected. My health, happiness has been the last priority in this marriage. But I also think it derives from my OH's desire to be a good father; the best. I think he just lost sight of what is also important: keeping your spouse happy. Because they are the anchor that holds everything together with you. You need to be vigilant and be aware of each other's needs and limitations in order to achieve the ultimate goal: to raise a happy family together. Sadly, this was lost a few years ago. And I have battling ever since, but knowing deep down I was fighting a losing battle. I couldn't have wished for a better daddy for my girls though and that is all that is important now.

Time to move on. Remain positive if I possibly can. Focus on what needs doing. So much to sort out! And have got my serious hat on today. Arranging CAB, a meeting with the council to discuss affordable housing, financial mediation.

Still think this must be part of grief as currently just feel a bit numb too. I expect it will be a total rollercoaster. Good days and bad days. And terrible days!

I read through your thread earlier and just wanted to say hats off to you for surviving that punishing workload, but even more now realizing enough is enough, putting a stop to it and bravely channeling your inner strength - go on you can do it!! From now on you and your DC can enjoy fish fingers and beans for dinner if you want. Your husband should never have dictated meals from scratch every night and immaculate house, it was as if because he was earning the money and paying for everything you were his employee to be dictated to - it's just not on! Anyway, best of luck for the future.

OP you sound like a very hard worker and strong individual. I've no doubt that you'll do a great job as a separated parent. It'll be tough at first but in time i think your life will be easier and happier in the long run. Best of luck for the future. X

You know it's a good decision.
And yes you will be on a roller coaster for a good while.
But you will come off that ride a happier healthier person for it.
I hope he steps up and does the right things.
Good luck to you.

I can really emphathise with your situation . Been married over 20 years & our sex life is now non rxistent , i feel so unwanted & unlovable even though I know I 'm still an attractive , intelligent woman
Take heart that you are taking positive steps with conselling .
Have the same issue with a crush & know its symptomstic of whats lacking with DH

It's good that you are going to CAB and the council for housing but I also suggest a Shl, especially if there are marital assets.

Do you mean affordable housing as in one you can afford from your share of the marital assets or as in local authority or housing association housing? Why aren't you and the kids going to remain in the marital home? I assume you are going to be the primary caretaker.

That must hurt, OP. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling along for years - yet at his first hurdle, your husband folded like a cheap deck of cards. What an embarrassingly weak excuse of a man.

Enjoy your new single life while it lasts, because you'll be snapped up in 5 minutes if you choose to be. But try to focus on making yourself and your kids happy first.

He will probably be online as we speak, lining up his next slave victim woman. Brains of the operation? Hardly. The man can't seem to tie his shoes without the support of other people.

Good luck!