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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life has fallen apart and I cant seem to get out.

27 replies

lifesucks75 · 04/07/2016 05:12

For the last four years I have been with a man who I believe is abusive. He has been vile to me to the point I have considered ending it all. He has isolated me so much I have no one. My so called best friend has completely cut me out of her life...Im angry with her...to be honest she is using my relationship with him as an excuse as she has done this before when she finds a new friend. But....it hasn't helped, the way my relationship is. My friend thinks I didn't care about her anymore but I was stuck...if I called her in a different room he'd say we were "up to something"..if I called her in the same room he would talk nonstop in the background so I couldn't hear her. I don't think she realises just how much i'm controlled. Maybe because it isn't normal! I have no me time at all...I went for cbt and ended up in tears at the end of every session when the counsellor asked me what I do for me...im not allowed to have any me time. Im not allowed to use my laptop, my phone, read a book. Please tell me what im doing wrong here? If im in the toilet too long, the bath too long he makes me get out. Example, tonight he had a bath and I was downstairs, he texted me asking for a glass of milk. I couldn't reply, I have no credit. I shouted up the stairs id be up soon, he was arsy so I went up to find out why. He shouted at me about the milk despite there being a big bottle of juice beside the bed. So I went back down for the milk not wanting to antagonise him. I came back up with it, he shouted at me again "why you being an arse with me" I said I wasn't, I just brought what he asked for. No, he STILL had to argue with me. It IS PATHETIC...unbelievable probably...and that's where I am...No sane, rational person would believe what im saying, I have no one anymore...I want out...but im not strong enough. I am so tired of being shouted at, but I cant prove a thing. Im only on mumsnet now because he has left in a strop because I couldn't sleep...that's all it takes.

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 04/07/2016 05:23

Okay, what do you need to get out?

You need a plan.

It will be hard to rebuild your social life while you're still with him.

Just5minswithDacre · 04/07/2016 05:25

Do you work?

Do you have a car?

Do you have any savings or cash that is just yours?

Any reliable family that can help?

Do you have children?

Could you get out in a hurry? Do you know where your important documents are?

Just5minswithDacre · 04/07/2016 05:30

You know, you won't feel stronger while you're there. He's torturing you and it will grind you down. You just have to decide that enough is enough and do it.

You said he's left because you can't sleep; does that mean you don't live together? Whose house is it?

Original poster
lifesucks75 · 04/07/2016 05:32

He doesn't live here officially but he is here 24/7 in my house. he treats it like its his own.

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 04/07/2016 05:38

So do you think an injunction would do it? Or will you need tomorrow to get away?

Controlling/coercive behaviour is now a criminal offence so making a police report is also an option.

Original poster
lifesucks75 · 04/07/2016 05:38

I don't have a car, despite lots of lessons I never learnt to drive...im too nervous. Im on Prozac for my nerves and tabs for my epilepsy.

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 04/07/2016 05:38

*need to move to get away

Just5minswithDacre · 04/07/2016 05:40

Well CBT isn't going to help you, given that your big problem currently is his extremely controlling behaviour. Do you know if you have a local domestic violence outreach project? They would help you.

Original poster
lifesucks75 · 04/07/2016 05:45

just5, ive had the police out before (someone heard us arguing) and they logged it as "domestic violence"...its not domestic violence...hes never laid a hand on me..but they still informed ss

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 04/07/2016 05:47

Verbal abuse or controlling behaviour comes under the umbrella of domestic violence/abuse for policy and legal purposes.

He IS abusing you.

Just5minswithDacre · 04/07/2016 05:47

And he's committing a crime.

Just5minswithDacre · 04/07/2016 05:48

Informed SS because you have DC?

VioletBam · 04/07/2016 05:56

Have you enough money to change the locks? If so, do that as soon as you can...then text him and tell him his stuff is on the step and he can fuck off

Tell the police on the non emergency number that you have asked your partner not to come to your home and because there is a history of abuse, you think he may kick off.

DO IT. Get that nasty bastard out of your life.

Original poster
lifesucks75 · 04/07/2016 05:57

The guy from ss visits her at school every week... and none of this is my fault, I love that baby...she's brilliant, up on all her predicted grades, a joy to teach im told...It isn't fair..

OP posts:
hesterton · 04/07/2016 06:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 04/07/2016 06:08

It doesn't make any difference to the advice - you need this man out of your life - but is he your DDs father? I'm just trying to establish whether there would be a need for any residual contact.

Just5minswithDacre · 04/07/2016 06:09

Do it for her then. Her life will be better with you safe and happy.

Original poster
lifesucks75 · 04/07/2016 06:14

no, hes not the father of either. (Jeremy kyle we come)..I do feel sorry for dd, hes the only dad she's ever known really. He spoils her.

OP posts:
Janecc · 04/07/2016 06:14

Oh dear he really does have you where he wants you. This is no life.

Your DD deserves better. Do you really want her growing up angry and confused? Do you really want her to think a relationship with a man is being his servant and slave? The world has changed since we were young and vulnerable teenage girls are easy pickings to be exploited.

You need to do what Violet said. Now.

VioletBam · 04/07/2016 06:17

He doesn't "spoil" her. He's damaging her world view with every day he is being awful to you.

When she gets a boyfriend, she will only know twats like him and will search and find one like him.

What are you going to do about him then OP?

Pearlman · 04/07/2016 06:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 04/07/2016 06:27

As said above it is abuse, but as the plod have observed it is not physical violence
You probably need evidence.

If you have a smart phone download an voice memo app.. leave it recording in the top of your bag when he is having a go at you. .

Good luck, there sre a lot of people supporting you.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 04/07/2016 06:34

Also, maybe try giving your friend a call.
She might have cut contact because she couldn't see you in this situation - it doesn't sound like he made it particularly easy for her to be a friend. You never know, when she hears you want help leaving him she might pull out a the stops to help you.

JudyCoolibar · 04/07/2016 07:00

Phone Women's Aid, talk to them about getting a court order against him.

Incognita82 · 04/07/2016 07:44

He's a nasty controlling bully isn't he? I think you know that you need to cut him out of your life and that it needs to be done decisively and with a plan.

You are actually in a much stronger position than you think here. You can change the locks so that he can't get in and you can tell the children's schools that he is not allowed access to them. They will have seen it all before and he has no parental rights.

I suspect that you need some emotional support to take these steps. I'd suggest you start by talking to Women's Aid for help and support to make a plan. I'd also think about getting a solicitor to write a letter instructing him to stay away from you (timed for delivery to coincide with the email from you I mention below) or he will be subject to an injunction and I'd also call in at your local police station, report his treatment of you and ask them to note you as at risk for the next couple of months - they won't do anything at this point but it should mean that if he turns up at your place they will respond more quickly to a call..

Then I'd get a locksmith round to change the locks once he is out for the day, and call and email him so you have a written record, telling him that the relationship is over and he is not to contact you or your children again. Get the solicitor's letter emailed to come straight after your email.

Personally I'd arrange to collect the children early from school that day so that you can explain to them that he is not a nice man and they should not speak to him in future.

Don't leave him any wriggle room. If he has stuff at your place, bag it up and put it out on the street r get it delivered to his place. Don't meet him to "talk about it" as he will undoubtedly try and suck you back in. Just cut him off while making it clear that you have support from outside agencies who are keeping an eye on him.

It will be hard but you can do it. Just think of the prize - a life of happiness for you and your DC free from abuse.