would you mind your husband going out drinking 4 weeks after you've just given birth?

[sammyjayneex]

So my husband has a night out coming up, where he will be going to the races. His friend invites him every year, most times he's gone bar the odd once or twice where he hasn't. Anyway our baby is gonna only be 4 weeks old. We also have 4 other children. My problem is that the baby doesn't settle very well night or day. He doesn't like his cot so I'm up most of the night holding him whilst my husband just sleeps and because I'm breastfeeding I'm the one doing all the work. Every time I talk about how much I'm struggling my husband says ' you wanted a baby' so I'm supposed to just deal with it. This week he is doing a night shift Monday so I'll be alone with baby and these nights are hard because I have my other kids to sort out as well as preparing for the school run, then taking the kids to school the next day on about 1-2 hours Sleep. Then Tuesday and Wednesday he goes to the gym in evening and Thursday he will be going to the races so all week I will be tired, alone with lack of sleep whilst he gets To live his life as normal. Is this really fair? I've told him I would like him to cancel his night out but he won't, I also can't have him sleeping in my bed with me after he's had a drink because the odd time I'm co- slept With the baby. So if he comes back drinks and comes to bed I'll have to battle with him to sleep downstairs instead and I'll be up even more trying to avoid falling asleep whilst feeding baby in bed. I just think it's too soon for him to be going out drinking and leaving me at home. So would any of you bother your husband resuming his life 4 weeks after birth whilst yours is on hold.

I wouldn't like this either, but why is he saying its you who wanted this baby? Has he always been this way?

I wouldn't have a problem with it as its a one off and not 3 nights a week. I would ask him to not do one of his gym sessions that week maybe to help out another day.

What about no gym that week, if he really wants this night out. And, when back from night out he HAS to sleep downstairs. He has to sit down with you compromise here.

...*sit down with you AND compromise here

It sounds like the problem is his lack of support, more than the 1 night. He fathered that baby so he has 50% responsibilities and as a husband he should also support you. As an aside, co-sleeping is a god send for me, I couldn't breastfeed otherwise (and like you said it's a big no to co-sleep with baby after drinking, perhaps if he still goes put a blanket and pillow on sofa and tell him no need to come upstairs at all).

As something that happens once a year I wouldn't have had an issue with it. But personally I've always made sure I get one evening free every week no matter what after my dc were born, I'm not someone who would have been happy staying home night after night just because I have children.

On the whole, it wouldn't have bothered me but then I had only 2 children and a DH who shared in childcare duties. He went out but not as frequently as your DH and always made sure I was 'set up' for the evening as far as chores went. My dh also worked nights when our sons were young but it's not fair to hold that against him, one works the shifts as assigned.

Sounds as if he's never stopped his life as usual, rather than that he's resuming it. So all he's doing is continuing his 'status quo' of being not much help in the home. If you want more help (and with 5 children who wouldn't?) you're going to have to ask him for it. If he refuses then you need to ask yourself whether or not he's worth keeping around as it doesn't sound as if he contributes much to your happiness.

I, too, am curious as to what he meant by 'you wanted this baby'.

In general, yes, but in the situation you describe, no - it doesn't sound like he's any help when he is there, and you clearly don't get a break.

I wouldn't have an issue with the night out, and would tell him you'll leave bedding downstairs for him as you might have the baby in with you.

But I would have an issue with the lack of support generally. You should have the same amount of leisure time as him.

Was he more helpful with the first four children and, if so, what has changed? Did you push for a fifth child while he wanted to stop at four?

I would feel totally let down if my OH went out for any night out when we had a newborn. I completely understand your feelings. Even if you're the one doing the feeds, it's important to have someone for moral support, company and to look after the other DC.

(In fact, I'm going to make that clear in a conversation tonight in order to avoid this same situation in the future!)

I'd have no problem with this at all

You've posted about him several times before - he isn't going to change, that's been obvious all along, so you have to decide if you're going to keep putting up with his crap or do something concrete about it. I know it isn't easy with such a small baby and 4 other children, but this is him - and it's like it or lump it really

It's not about this one night though really is it? It's about his whole attitude to doing his fair share while your clearly struggling and tired.

What do you get out of being with him?

Um. No. I would encourage him to have time to himself.

Of course, you should also be entitled to that.

Well firstly it doesn't sound like he'll be much help if he is home so it's probably not worth you stopping him from going out.

But also he didn't want more children and you pushed for another baby then he may have a small point. I think it's irresponsible on both your parts of this was the circumstances of your baby's birth. Sorry, unpopular view but true.

Sorry, that should say if he didn't want ...

My ex went out the night I came home from hospital..he said "but you've only had a baby" ..should have left there and then..complete twat..

You are both responsible for the child, however if it's a one off and something he's always done, I'd 'allow' that. To be honest, I don't think men's lives change as much as women's do anyway, they all seem to carry on as usual, well the ones I know do!

The one night wouldn't bother me at all. I'm 33 weeks with our second and happy for DP to plan a night out if he wants.

However the rest of the picture - lack of support and flexibility, critical comments etc would most definitely bother me. A lot.

Let him go out
Express milk or formula feed at night-get the lazy arse to do it (will also fill baby up better)
Do not co sleep - IT'S DANGEROUS!

Loveyoutothemoon, co-sleeping is not dangerous if done carefully (well no more than having baby in a cot really).

How would you do it carefully?

I used to co sleep. So much easier to do BF at night.
My midwife put her in the second night after she wouldn't settle.
Was it you who wanted a fifth child? How was your r'ships before you had your baby? Does he help with the other kids?

Loveyoutothemoon, the guidelines my health visitor gave are sleeping on the side with one arm above baby (hand tucked under my pillow) to avoid baby being able to go under the pillow, leg folded up to prevent rolling over and baby going down under the cover. I also use a full size cellular blanket or nothing with fleecy PJs as am a bit anal about blankets (baby has a gro bag if needed). Bed is very low to the ground, although usually have baby on the wall side. No smoking, drinking, siblings or heavy sleepers.

I am with 4sillybeans. Has this man been a great supportive husband right up until you had this fifth baby ? Or has he always left it all to you ? Has he always been useless - in which case why are you surprised after the experience with the previous 4 or has something drastically changed ?

The comment about 'you wanted it' plainly sounds like he was pushed into it. - and before the whole of MN starts jumping up and down with the 'he made it and is equally responsible stuff' I know that, but there are many women who promise the earth in an attempt to persuade their dhs into another baby.. I have heard it myself from my best friends sister who is 'addicted'to having babies and promises 'she will do everything' 'life won't change' etc etc every time she wants another... (7 so far ) he wanted to stop at two but is emotionally blackmailed into another each time. Even says she will leave with all the children if he has a vasectomy .

I would let him go to the races, it's a one off.
Co sleeping is not dangerous. It is the norm throughout south East Asia.
I co-slept with mine. Now in their late teens and twenties. I never had a single sleepless night with three babies.